letters of two brides-第23章

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woman's　delicacy。　He　understands　and　divines　woman；　and　the　wings　of
passion　on　which　he　raises　her　are　restrained　by　the　timidity　of　the
sensitive　spirit。　But　when　the　mind；　the　heart；　and　the　senses　all
have　their　share　in　the　rapture　which　transports　usah！　then　there　is
no　falling　to　earth；　rather　it　is　to　heaven　we　soar；　alas！　for　only
too　brief　a　visit。

Such；　dear　soul；　is　the　philosophy　of　the　first　three　months　of　my
married　life。　Felipe　is　angelic。　Without　figure　of　speech；　he　is
another　self；　and　I　can　think　aloud　with　him。　His　greatness　of　soul
passes　my　comprehension。　Possession　only　attaches　him　more　closely　to
me；　and　he　discovers　in　his　happiness　new　motives　for　loving　me。　For
him；　I　am　the　nobler　part　of　himself。　I　can　foresee　that　years　of
wedded　life；　far　from　impairing　his　affection；　will　only　make　it　more
assured；　develop　fresh　possibilities　of　enjoyment；　and　bind　us　in　more
perfect　sympathy。　What　a　delirium　of　joy！

It　is　part　of　my　nature　that　pleasure　has　an　exhilarating　effect　on
me；　it　leaves　sunshine　behind；　and　becomes　a　part　of　my　inner　being。
The　interval　which　parts　one　ecstasy　from　another　is　like　the　short
night　which　marks　off　our　long　summer　days。　The　sun　which　flushed　the
mountain　tops　with　warmth　in　setting　finds　them　hardly　cold　when　it
rises。　What　happy　chance　has　given　me　such　a　destiny？　My　mother　had
roused　a　host　of　fears　in　me；　her　forecast；　which；　though　free　from
the　alloy　of　vulgar　pettiness；　seemed　to　me　redolent　of　jealousy；　has
been　falsified　by　the　event。　Your　fears　and　hers；　my　ownall　have
vanished　in　thin　air！

We　remained　at　Chantepleurs　seven　months　and　a　half；　for　all　the　world
like　a　couple　of　runaway　lovers　fleeing　the　parental　warmth；　while　the
roses　of　pleasure　crowned　our　love　and　embellished　our　dual　solitude。
One　morning；　when　I　was　even　happier　than　usual；　I　began　to　muse　over
my　lot；　and　suddenly　Renee　and　her　prosaic　marriage　flashed　into　my
mind。　It　seemed　to　me　that　now　I　could　grasp　the　inner　meaning　in　your
life。　Oh！　my　sweet；　why　do　we　speak　a　different　tongue？　Your　marriage
of　convenience　and　my　love　match　are　two　worlds；　as　widely　separated
as　the　finite　from　infinity。　You　still　walk　the　earth；　whilst　I　range
the　heavens！　Your　sphere　is　human；　mine　divine！　Love　crowned　me　queen；
you　reign　by　reason　and　duty。　So　lofty　are　the　regions　where　I　soar；
that　a　fall　would　shiver　me　to　atoms。

But　no　more　of　this。　I　shrink　from　painting　to　you　the　rainbow
brightness；　the　profusion；　the　exuberant　joy　of　love's　springtime；　as
we　know　it。

For　ten　days　we　have　been　in　Paris；　staying　in　a　charming　house　in　the
Rue　du　Bac；　prepared　for　us　by　the　architect　to　whom　Felipe　intrusted
the　decoration　of　Chantepleurs。　I　have　been　listening；　in　all　the　full
content　of　an　assured　and　sanctioned　love；　to　that　divine　music　of
Rossini's；　which　used　to　soothe　me　when；　as　a　restless　girl；　I
hungered　vaguely　after　experience。　They　say　I　am　more　beautiful；　and　I
have　a　childish　pleasure　in　hearing　myself　called　〃Madame。〃

Friday　morning。

Renee；　my　fair　saint；　the　happiness　of　my　own　life　pulls　me　for　ever
back　to　you。　I　feel　that　I　can　be　more　to　you　than　ever　before；　you
are　so　dear　to　me！　I　have　studied　your　wedded　life　closely　in　the
light　of　my　own　opening　chapters；　and　you　seem　to　me　to　come　out　of
the　scrutiny　so　great；　so　noble；　so　splendid　in　your　goodness；　that　I
here　declare　myself　your　inferior　and　humble　admirer；　as　well　as　your
friend。　When　I　think　what　marriage　has　been　to　me；　it　seems　to　me　that
I　should　have　died；　had　it　turned　out　otherwise。　And　you　live！　Tell　me
what　your　heart　feeds　on！　Never　again　shall　I　make　fun　of　you。
Mockery；　my　sweet；　is　the　child　of　ignorance；　we　jest　at　what　we　know
nothing　of。　〃Recruits　will　laugh　where　the　veteran　soldier　looks
grave；〃　was　a　remark　made　to　me　by　the　Comte　de　Chaulieu；　that　poor
cavalry　officer　whose　campaigning　so　far　has　consisted　in　marches　from
Paris　to　Fontainebleau　and　back　again。

I　surmise；　too；　my　dear　love；　that　you　have　not　told　me　all。　There　are
wounds　which　you　have　hidden。　You　suffer；　I　am　convinced　of　it。　In
trying　to　make　out　at　this　distance　and　from　the　scraps　you　tell　me
the　reasons　of　your　conduct；　I　have　weaved　together　all　sorts　of
romantic　theories　about　you。　〃She　has　made　a　mere　experiment　in
marriage；〃　I　thought　one　evening；　〃and　what　is　happiness　for　me　had
proved　only　suffering　to　her。　Her　sacrifice　is　barren　of　reward；　and
she　would　not　make　it　greater　than　need　be。　The　unctuous　axioms　of
social　morality　are　only　used　to　cloak　her　disappointment。〃　Ah！　Renee；
the　best　of　happiness　is　that　it　needs　no　dogma　and　no　fine　words　to
pave　the　way；　it　speaks　for　itself；　while　theory　has　been　piled　upon
theory　to　justify　the　system　of　women's　vassalage　and　thralldom。　If
self…denial　be　so　noble；　so　sublime；　what；　pray；　of　my　joy；　sheltered
by　the　gold…and…white　canopy　of　the　church；　and　witnessed　by　the　hand
and　seal　of　the　most　sour…faced　of　mayors？　Is　it　a　thing　out　of
nature？

For　the　honor　of　the　law；　for　her　own　sake；　but　most　of　all　to　make　my
happiness　complete；　I　long　to　see　my　Renee　content。　Oh！　tell　me　that
you　see　a　dawn　of　love　for　this　Louis　who　adores　you！　Tell　me　that　the
solemn；　symbolic　torch　of　Hymen　has　not　alone　served　to　lighten　your
darkness；　but　that　love；　the　glorious　sun　of　our　hearts；　pours　his
rays　on　you。　I　come　back　always；　you　see；　to　this　midday　blaze；　which
will　be　my　destruction；　I　fear。

Dear　Renee；　do　you　remember　how；　in　your　outbursts　of　girlish
devotion；　you　would　say　to　me；　as　we　sat　under　the　vine…covered　arbor
of　the　convent　garden；　〃I　love　you　so；　Louise；　that　if　God　appeared　to
me　in　a　vision；　I　would　pray　Him　that　all　the　sorrows　of　life　might　be
mine；　and　all　the　joy　yours。　I　burn　to　suffer　for　you〃？　Now；　darling；
the　day　has　come　when　I　take　up　your　prayer；　imploring　Heaven　to　grant
you　a　share　in　my　happiness。

I　must　tell　you　my　idea。　I　have　a　shrewd　notion　that　you　are　hatching
ambitious　plans　under　the　name　of　Louis　de　l'Estorade。　Very　good；　get
him　elected　deputy　at　the　approaching　election；　for　he　will　be　very
nearly　forty　then；　and　as　the　Chamber　does　not　meet　till　six　months
later；　he　will　have　just　attained　the　age　necessary　to　qualify　for　a
seat。　You　will　come　to　Paristhere；　isn't　that　enough？　My　father；　and
the　friends　I　shall　have　made　by　that　time；　will　learn　to　know　and
admire　you；　and　if　your　father…in…law　will　agree　to　found　a　family；　we
will　get　the　title　of　Comte　for　Louis。　That　is　something　at　least！　And
we　shall　be　together。



XXVIII

RENEE　DE　L'ESTORADE　TO　LOUISE　DE　MACUMER
December。

My　thrice　happy　Louise；　your　letter　made　me　dizzy。　For　a　few　moments　I
held　it　in　my　listless　hands；　while　a　tear　or　two　sparkled　on　it　in
the　setting　sun。　I　was　alone　beneath　the　small　barren　rock　where　I
have　had　a　seat　placed；　far　off；　like　a　lance　of　steel；　the
Mediterranean　shone。　The　seat　is　shaded　by　aromatic　shrubs；　and　I　have
had　a　very　large　jessamine；　some　honeysuckle；　and　Spanish　brooms
transplanted　there；　so　that　some　day　the　rock　will　be　entirely　covered
with　climbing　plants。　The　wild　vine　has　already　taken　root　there。　But
winter　draws　near；　and　all　this　greenery　is　faded　like　a　piece　of　old
tapestry。　In　this　spot　I　am　never　molested；　it　is　understood　that　here
I　wish　to　be　alone。　It　is　named　Louise's　seata　proof；　is　it　not；
that　even　in　solitude　I　am　not　alone　here？

If　I　tell　you　all　these　details；　to　you　so　paltry；　and　try　to　describe
the　vision　of　green　with　which　my　prophetic　gaze　clothes　this　bare
rockon　which　top　some　freak　of　nature　has　set　up　a　magnificent
parasol　pineit　is　because　in　all　this　I　have　found　an　emblem　to
which　I　cling。

It　was　while　your　blessed　lot　was　filling　me　with　joy　andmust　I
confess　it？with　bitter　envy　too；　that　I　felt　the　first　movement　of
my　child　within；　and　this　mystery　of　physical　life　reacted　upon　the
inner　recesses　of　my　soul。　This　indefinable　sensation；　which　partakes
of　the　nature　at　once　of　a　warning；　a　delight；　a　pain；　a　promise；　and
a　fulfilment；　this　joy；　which　is　mine　alone；　unshared　by　mortal；　this
wonder　of　wonders；　has　whispered　to　me　that　one　day　this　rock　shall　be
a　carpet　of　flowers；　resounding　to　the　merry　laughter　of　children；
that　I　shall　at　last　be　blessed　among　women；　and　from　me　shall　spring
forth　fountains　of　life。　Now　I　know　what　I　have　lived　for！　Thus　the
first　certainty　of　bearing　within　me　another　life　brought　healing　to
my　wounds。　A　joy　that　beggars　description　has　crowned　for　me　those
long　days　of　sacrifice；　in　which　Louis　had　already　found　his。

Sacrifice！　I　said　to　myself；　how　far　does　it　excel　passion！　What
pleasure　has　roots　so　deep　as　one　which　is　not　personal　but　creative？
Is　not　the　spirit　of　Sacrifice　a　power　mightier　than　any　of　its
results？　Is　it　not　that　mysterious；　tireless　divinity；　who　hides
beneath　innumerable　spheres　in　an　unexplored　centre；　through　which　all
worlds　in　turn　must　pass？　Sacrifice；　solitary　and　secret；　rich　in
pleasures　only　tasted　in　silence；　which　none　can　guess　at；　and　no
profane　eye　has　ever　seen；　Sacrifice；　jealous　God　and　tyrant；　God　of
strength　and　victory；　exhaustless　spring　which；　partaking　of　the　very
essence　of　all　that　exists；　can　by　no　expenditure　be　drained　below　its
own　level；Sacrifice；　there　is　the　keynote　of　my　life。

For　you；　Louise；　love　is　but　the　reflex　of　Felipe's　passion；　the　life
which　I　shed　upon　my　little　ones　will　come　back　to　me　in　ever…growing
fulness。　The　plenty　of　your　golden　harvest　will　pass；　mine；　though
late；　will　be　but　the　more　enduring；　for　each　hour　will　see　it
renewed。　Love　may　be　the　fairest　gem　which　Society　has　filched　from
Nature；　but　what　is　motherhood　save　Nature　in　her　most　gladsome　mood？
A　smile　has　dried　my　tears。　Love　makes　my　Louis　happy；　but　marriage
has　made　me　a　mother；　and　who　shall　say　I　am　not　happy　also？

With　slow　steps；　then；　I　returned　to　my　white　grange；　with　the　green
shutters；　to　write　you　these　thoughts。

So　it　is；　darling；　that　the　most　marvelous；　and　yet　the　simplest；
process　of　nature　has　been　going　on　in　me　for　five　months；　and　yetin
your　ear　let　me　whisper　itso　far　it　agitates　neither　my　heart　nor　my
understanding。　I　see　all　around　me　happy；　the　grandfather…to…be　has
become　a　child　again；　trespassing　on　the　grandchild's　place；　the
father　wears　a　grave　and　anxious　look；　they　are　all　most　attentive　to
me；　all　talk　of　the　joy　of　being　a　mother。　Alas！　I　alone　remain　cold；
and　I　dare　not　tell　you　how　dead　I　am　to　all　emotion；　though　I　affect
a　little　in　order　not　to　damp　the　general　satisfaction。　But　with　you　I
may　be　frank；　and　I　confess　that；　at　my　present　stage；　motherhood　is　a
mere　affair　of　the　imagination。

Louis　was　to　the　full　as　much　surprised　as　I。　Does　not　this　show　how
little；　unless　by　his　impatient　wishes；　the　father　counts　for　in　this
matter？　Chance；　my　dear；　is　the　sovereign　deity　in　child…bearing。　My
doctor；　while　maintaining　that　this　chance　works　in　harmony　with
nature；　does　not　deny　that　children　who　are　the　fruit　of　passionate
love　are　bound　to　be　richly　endowed　both　physically　and　mentally；　and
that　often　the　happiness　which　shone　like　a　radiant　star　over　their
birth　seems　to　watch　over　them　th