letters of two brides-第14章

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meditation；　and；　lo！　the　weapons　of　that　purely　ideal　experience　have
turned　against　your　own　breast！　If　I　did　not　know　you　for　the　purest
and　most　angelic　of　created　beings；　I　declare　I　should　say　that　your
calculations　smack　of　vice。　What；　my　dear；　in　the　interest　of　your
country　home；　you　submit　your　pleasures　to　a　periodic　thinning；　as　you
do　your　timber。　Oh！　rather　let　me　perish　in　all　the　violence　of　the
heart's　storms　than　live　in　the　arid　atmosphere　of　your　cautious
arithmetic！

As　girls；　we　were　both　unusually　enlightened；　because　of　the　large
amount　of　study　we　gave　to　our　chosen　subjects；　but；　my　child；
philosophy　without　love；　or　disguised　under　a　sham　love；　is　the　most
hideous　of　conjugal　hypocrisies。　I　should　imagine　that　even　the
biggest　of　fools　might　detect　now　and　again　the　owl　of　wisdom
squatting　in　your　bower　of　rosesa　ghastly　phantom　sufficient　to　put
to　flight　the　most　promising　of　passions。　You　make　your　own　fate；
instead　of　waiting；　a　plaything　in　its　hands。

We　are　each　developing　in　strange　ways。　A　large　dose　of　philosophy　to
a　grain　of　love　is　your　recipe；　a　large　dose　of　love　to　a　grain　of
philosophy　is　mine。　Why；　Rousseau's　Julie；　whom　I　thought　so　learned；
is　a　mere　beginner　to　you。　Woman's　virtue；　quotha！　How　you　have
weighed　up　life！　Alas！　I　make　fun　of　you；　and；　after　all；　perhaps　you
are　right。

In　one　day　you　have　made　a　holocaust　of　your　youth　and　become　a　miser
before　your　time。　Your　Louis　will　be　happy；　I　daresay。　If　he　loves
you；　of　which　I　make　no　doubt；　he　will　never　find　out；　that；　for　the
sake　of　your　family；　you　are　acting　as　a　courtesan　does　for　money；　and
certainly　men　seem　to　find　happiness　with　them；　judging　by　the
fortunes　they　squander　thus。　A　keen…sighted　husband　might　no　doubt
remain　in　love　with　you；　but　what　sort　of　gratitude　could　he　feel　in
the　long　run　for　a　woman　who　had　made　of　duplicity　a　sort　of　moral
armor；　as　indispensable　as　her　stays？

Love；　dear；　is　in　my　eyes　the　first　principle　of　all　the　virtues；
conformed　to　the　divine　likeness。　Like　all　other　first　principles；　it
is　not　a　matter　of　arithmetic；　it　is　the　Infinite　in　us。　I　cannot　but
think　you　have　been　trying　to　justify　in　your　own　eyes　the　frightful
position　of　a　girl；　married　to　a　man　for　whom　she　feels　nothing　more
than　esteem。　You　prate　of　duty；　and　make　it　your　rule　and　measure；　but
surely　to　take　necessity　as　the　spring　of　action　is　the　moral　theory
of　atheism？　To　follow　the　impulse　of　love　and　feeling　is　the　secret
law　of　every　woman's　heart。　You　are　acting　a　man's　part；　and　your
Louis　will　have　to　play　the　woman！

Oh！　my　dear；　your　letter　has　plunged　me　into　an　endless　train　of
thought。　I　see　now　that　the　convent　can　never　take　the　place　of　mother
to　a　girl。　I　beg　of　you；　my　grand　angel　with　the　black　eyes；　so　pure
and　proud；　so　serious　and　so　pretty；　do　not　turn　away　from　these
cries；　which　the　first　reading　of　your　letter　has　torn　from　me！　I　have
taken　comfort　in　the　thought　that；　while　I　was　lamenting；　love　was
doubtless　busy　knocking　down　the　scaffolding　of　reason。

It　may　be　that　I　shall　do　worse　than　you　without　any　reasoning　or
calculations。　Passion　is　an　element　in　life　bound　to　have　a　logic　not
less　pitiless　than　yours。

Monday。

Yesterday　night　I　placed　myself　at　the　window　as　I　was　going　to　bed；
to　look　at　the　sky；　which　was　wonderfully　clear。　The　stars　were　like
silver　nails；　holding　up　a　veil　of　blue。　In　the　silence　of　the　night　I
could　hear　some　one　breathing；　and　by　the　half…light　of　the　stars　I
saw　my　Spaniard；　perched　like　a　squirrel　on　the　branches　of　one　of　the
trees　lining　the　boulevard；　and　doubtless　lost　in　admiration　of　my
windows。

The　first　effect　of　this　discovery　was　to　make　me　withdraw　into　the
room；　my　feet　and　hands　quite　limp　and　nerveless；　but；　beneath　the
fear；　I　was　conscious　of　a　delicious　undercurrent　of　joy。　I　was
overpowered　but　happy。　Not　one　of　those　clever　Frenchmen；　who　aspire
to　marry　me；　has　had　the　brilliant　idea　of　spending　the　night　in　an
elm…tree　at　the　risk　of　being　carried　off　by　the　watch。　My　Spaniard
has；　no　doubt；　been　there　for　some　time。　Ah！　he　won't　give　me　any　more
lessons；　he　wants　to　receive　themwell；　he　shall　have　one。　If　only　he
knew　what　I　said　to　myself　about　his　superficial　ugliness！　Others　can
philosophize　besides　you；　Renee！　It　was　horrid；　I　argued；　to　fall　in
love　with　a　handsome　man。　Is　it　not　practically　avowing　that　the
senses　count　for　three　parts　out　of　four　in　a　passion　which　ought　to
be　super…sensual？

Having　got　over　my　first　alarm；　I　craned　my　neck　behind　the　window　in
order　to　see　him　againand　well　was　I　rewarded！　By　means　of　a　hollow
cane　he　blew　me　in　through　the　window　a　letter；　cunningly　rolled　round
a　leaden　pellet。

Good　Heavens！　will　he　suppose　I　left　the　window　open　on　purpose？

But　what　was　to　be　done？　To　shut　it　suddenly　would　be　to　make　oneself
an　accomplice。

I　did　better。　I　returned　to　my　window　as　though　I　had　seen　nothing　and
heard　nothing　of　the　letter；　then　I　said　aloud：

〃Come　and　look　at　the　stars；　Griffith。〃

Griffith　was　sleeping　as　only　old　maids　can。　But　the　Moor；　hearing　me；
slid　down；　and　vanished　with　ghostly　rapidity。

He　must　have　been　dying　of　fright；　and　so　was　I；　for　I　did　not　hear
him　go　away；　apparently　he　remained　at　the　foot　of　the　elm。　After　a
good　quarter　of　an　hour；　during　which　I　lost　myself　in　contemplation
of　the　heavens；　and　battled　with　the　waves　of　curiosity；　I　closed　my
widow　and　sat　down　on　the　bed　to　unfold　the　delicate　bit　of　paper；
with　the　tender　touch　of　a　worker　amongst　the　ancient　manuscripts　at
Naples。　It　felt　redhot　to　my　fingers。　〃What　a　horrible　power　this　man
has　over　me！〃　I　said　to　myself。

All　at　once　I　held　out　the　paper　to　the　candleI　would　burn　it
without　reading　a　word。　Then　a　thought　stayed　me；　〃What　can　he　have　to
say　that　he　writes　so　secretly？〃　Well；　dear；　I　/did/　burn　it；
reflecting　that；　though　any　other　girl　in　the　world　would　have
devoured　the　letter；　it　was　not　fitting　that　IArmande…Louise…Marie
de　Chaulieushould　read　it。

The　next　day；　at　the　Italian　opera；　he　was　at　his　post。　But　I　feel
sure　that；　ex…prime　minister　of　a　constitutional　government　though　he
is；　he　could　not　discover　the　slightest　agitation　of　mind　in　any
movement　of　mine。　I　might　have　seen　nothing　and　received　nothing　the
evening　before。　This　was　most　satisfactory　to　me；　but　he　looked　very
sad。　Poor　man！　in　Spain　it　is　so　natural　for　love　to　come　in　at　the
window！

During　the　interval；　it　seems；　he　came　and　walked　in　the　passages。
This　I　learned　from　the　chief　secretary　of　the　Spanish　embassy；　who
also　told　the　story　of　a　noble　action　of　his。

As　Duc　de　Soria　he　was　to　marry　one　of　the　richest　heiresses　in　Spain；
the　young　princess　Marie　Heredia；　whose　wealth　would　have　mitigated
the　bitterness　of　exile。　But　it　seems　that　Marie；　disappointing　the
wishes　of　the　fathers；　who　had　betrothed　them　in　their　earliest
childhood；　loved　the　younger　son　of　the　house　of　Soria；　to　whom　my
Felipe；　gave　her　up。　Allowing　himself　to　be　despoiled　by　the　King　of
Spain。

〃He　would　perform　this　piece　of　heroism　quite　simply；〃　I　said　to　the
young　man。

〃You　know　him　then？〃　was　his　ingenuous　reply。

My　mother　smiled。

〃What　will　become　of　him；　for　he　is　condemned　to　death？〃　I　asked。

〃Though　dead　to　Spain；　he　can　live　in　Sardinia。〃

〃Ah！　then　Spain　is　the　country　of　tombs　as　well　as　castles？〃　I　said；
trying　to　carry　it　off　as　a　joke。

〃There　is　everything　in　Spain；　even　Spaniards　of　the　old　school；〃　my
mother　replied。

〃The　Baron　de　Macumer　obtained　a　passport；　not　without　difficulty；
from　the　King　of　Sardinia；〃　the　young　diplomatist　went　on。　〃He　has　now
become　a　Sardinian　subject；　and　he　possesses　a　magnificent　estate　in
the　island　with　full　feudal　rights。　He　has　a　palace　at　Sassari。　If
Ferdinand　VII。　were　to　die；　Macumer　would　probably　go　in　for
diplomacy；　and　the　Court　of　Turin　would　make　him　ambassador。　Though
young；　he　is〃

〃Ah！　he　is　young？〃

〃Certainly；　mademoiselle　。　。　。　though　young；　he　is　one　of　the　most
distinguished　men　in　Spain。〃

I　scanned　the　house　meanwhile　through　my　opera…glass；　and　seemed　to
lend　an　inattentive　ear　to　the　secretary；　but；　between　ourselves；　I
was　wretched　at　having　burnt　his　letter。　In　what　terms　would　a　man
like　that　express　his　love？　For　he　does　love　me。　To　be　loved；　adored
in　secret；　to　know　that　in　this　house；　where　all　the　great　men　of
Paris　were　collected；　there　was　one　entirely　devoted　to　me；　unknown　to
everybody！　Ah！　Renee；　now　I　understand　the　life　of　Paris；　its　balls；
and　its　gaieties。　It　all　flashed　on　me　in　the　true　light。　When　we
love；　we　must　have　society；　were　it　only　to　sacrifice　it　to　our　love。
I　felt　a　different　creatureand　such　a　happy　one！　My　vanity；　pride；
self…love；all　were　flattered。　Heaven　knows　what　glances　I　cast　upon
the　audience！

〃Little　rogue！〃　the　Duchess　whispered　in　my　ear　with　a　smile。

Yes；　Renee；　my　wily　mother　had　deciphered　the　hidden　joy　in　my
bearing；　and　I　could　only　haul　down　my　flag　before　such　feminine
strategy。　Those　two　words　taught　me　more　of　worldly　wisdom　than　I　have
been　able　to　pick　up　in　a　yearfor　we　are　in　March　now。　Alas！　no　more
Italian　opera　in　another　month。　How　will　life　be　possible　without　that
heavenly　music；　when　one's　heart　is　full　of　love？

When　I　got　home；　my　dear；　with　determination　worthy　of　a　Chaulieu；　I
opened　my　window　to　watch　a　shower　of　rain。　Oh！　if　men　knew　the　magic
spell　that　a　heroic　action　throws　over　us；　they　would　indeed　rise　to
greatness！　a　poltroon　would　turn　hero！　What　I　had　learned　about　my
Spaniard　drove　me　into　a　very　fever。　I　felt　certain　that　he　was　there；
ready　to　aim　another　letter　at　me。

I　was　right；　and　this　time　I　burnt　nothing。　Here；　then；　is　the　first
love…letter　I　have　received；　madame　logician：　each　to　her　kind：

　　〃Louise；　it　is　not　for　your　peerless　beauty　I　love　you；　nor　for
　　your　gifted　mind；　your　noble　feeling；　the　wondrous　charm　of　all
　　you　say　and　do；　nor　yet　for　your　pride；　your　queenly　scorn　of
　　baser　mortalsa　pride　blent　in　you　with　charity；　for　what　angel
　　could　be　more　tender？Louise；　I　love　you　because；　for　the　sake　of
　　a　poor　exile；　you　have　unbent　this　lofty　majesty；　because　by　a
　　gesture；　a　glance；　you　have　brought　consolation　to　a　man　so　far
　　beneath　you　that　the　utmost　he　could　hope　for　was　your　pity；　the
　　pity　of　a　generous　heart。　You　are　the　one　woman　whose　eyes　have
　　shone　with　a　tenderer　light　when　bent　on　me。

　　〃And　because　you　let　fall　this　glancea　mere　grain　of　dust；　yet　a
　　grace　surpassing　any　bestowed　on　me　when　I　stood　at　the　summit　of
　　a　subject's　ambitionI　long　to　tell　you；　Louise；　how　dear　you　are
　　to　me；　and　that　my　love　is　for　yourself　alone；　without　a　thought
　　beyond；　a　love　that　far　more　than　fulfils　the　conditions　laid　down
　　by　you　for　an　ideal　passion。

　　〃Know；　then；　idol　of　my　highest　heaven；　that　there　is　in　the　world
　　an　offshoot　of　the　Saracen　race；　whose　life　is　in　your　hands；　who
　　will　receive　your　orders　as　a　slave；　and　deem　it　an　honor　to
　　execute　them。　I　have　given　myself　to　you　absolutely　and　for　the
　　mere　joy　of　giving；　for　a　single　glance　of　your　eye；　for　a　touch
　　of　the　hand　which　one　day　you　offered　to　your　Spanis