the dwelling place of ligh-第19章

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absence　was　modified　by　a　sudden；　vehement　protest　against　sordidness。　　Why
should　she　not　live　by　herself　amidst　clean　and　tidy　surroundings？　　She　had
begun　to　earn　enough；　and　somehow　a　vista　had　been　opened　upa　vista　whose　end
she　could　not　see；　alluring；　enticing。。。。　　In　the　dining…room；　by　the　cleared
table；　her　father　was　reading　the　Banner；　her　mother　appeared　in　the　kitchen
door。

〃What　in　the　world　happened　to　you；　Janet？〃　she　exclaimed。


〃Nothing；〃　said　Janet。　　〃Mr。　Ditmar　asked　me　to　staythat　was　all。　　He'd　been
away。〃

〃I　was　worried；　I　was　going　to　make　your　father　go　down　to　the　mill。　　I've
saved　you　some　supper。〃

〃I　don't　want　much；〃　Janet　told　her；　〃I'm　not　hungry。〃

〃I　guess　you　have　to　work　too　hard　in　that　new　place；〃　said　Hannah；　as　she
brought　in　the　filled　plate　from　the　oven。

〃Well；　it　seems　to　agree　with　her；　mother；〃　declared　Edward；　who　could　always
be　counted　on　to　say　the　wrong　thing　with　the　best　of　intentions。　　〃I　never　saw
her　looking　as　wellwhy；　I　swan；　she's　getting　real　pretty！〃

Hannah　darted　at　him　a　glance；　but　restrained　herself；　and　Janet　reddened　as
she　tried　to　eat　the　beans　placed　before　her。　　The　pork　had　browned　and
hardened　at　the　edges；　the　gravy　had　spread；　a　crust　covered　the　potatoes。
When　her　father　resumed　his　reading　of　the　Banner　and　her　mother　went　back　into
the　kitchen　she　began　to　speculate　rather　resentfully　and　yet　excitedly　why　it
was　that　this　adventure　with　a　man；　with　Ditmar；　made　her　look　better；　feel
better；more　alive。　　She　was　too　honest　to　disguise　from　herself　that　it　was
an　adventure；　a　high　one；　fraught　with　all　sorts　of　possibilities；　dangers；　and
delights。　　Her　promotion　had　been　merely　incidental。　　Both　her　mother　and
father；　did　they　know　the　true　circumstances；that　Mr。　Ditmar　desired　her；　was
perhaps　in　love　with　herwould　be　disturbed。　　Undoubtedly　they　would　have
believed　that　she　could　〃take　care〃　of　herself。　　She　knew　that　matters　could
not　go　on　as　they　were；　that　she　would　either　have　to　leave　Mr。　Ditmar　orand
here　she　baulked　at　being　logical。　　She　had　no　intention　of　leaving　him：　to
remain；　according　to　the　notions　of　her　parents；　would　be　wrong。　　Why　was　it
that　doing　wrong　agreed　with　her；　energized　her；　made　her　more　alert；　cleverer；
keying　up　her　faculties？　　turned　life　from　a　dull　affair　into　a　momentous　one？
To　abandon　Ditmar　would　be　to　slump　back　into　the　humdrum；　into　something　from
which　she　had　magically　been　emancipated；　symbolized　by　the　home　in　which　she
sat；　by　the　red…checked　tablecloth；　the　ugly　metal　lamp；　the　cherry　chairs　with
the　frayed　seats；　the　horsehair　sofa　from　which　the　stuffing　protruded；　the
tawdry　pillow　with　its　colours；　once　gay；　that　Lise　had　bought　at　a　bargain　at
the　Bagatelle。。。。　　The　wooden　clock　with　the　round　face　and　quaint　landscape
belowthe　family's　most　cherished　heirloomthough　long　familiar；　was　not　so
bad；　but　the　two　yellowed　engravings　on　the　wall　offended　her。　　They　had　been
wedding　presents　to　Edward's　father。　　One　represented　a　stupid　German　peasant
woman　holding　a　baby；　and　standing　in　front　of　a　thatched　cottage；　its
companion　was　a　sylvan　scene　in　which　certain　wooden　rustics　were　supposed　to
be　enjoying　themselves。　　Between　the　two；　and　dotted　with　flyspecks；　hung　an
insurance　calendar　on　which　was　a　huge　head　of　a　lady；　florid；　fluffy…haired；
flirtatious。　　Lise　thought　her　beautiful。

The　room　was　ugly。　　She　had　long　known　that；　but　tonight　the　realization　came
to　her　that　what　she　chiefly　resented　in　it　was　the　note　it　proclaimedthe
note　of　a　mute　acquiescence；　without　protest　or　struggle；　in　what　life　might
send。　　It　reflected　accurately　the　attitude　of　her　parents；　particularly　of　her
father。　　With　an　odd　sense　of　detachment；　of　critical　remoteness　and　contempt
she　glanced　at　him　as　he　sat　stupidly　absorbed　in　his　newspaper；　his　face
puckered；　his　lips　pursed；　and　Ditmar　rose　before　herDitmar；　the　embodiment
of　an　indomitableness　that　refused　to　be　beaten　and　crushed。　　She　thought　of
the　story　he　had　told　her；　how　by　self…assertion　and　persistence　he　had　become
agent　of　the　Chippering　Mill；　how　he　had　convinced　Mr。　Stephen　Chippering　of
his　ability。　　She　could　not　think　of　the　mill　as　belonging　to　the　Chipperings
and　the　other　stockholders；　but　to　Ditmar；　who　had　shaped　it　into　an　expression
of　himself；　since　it　was　his　ideal。　　And　now　it　seemed　that　he　had　made　it　hers
also。　　She　regretted　having　repulsed　him；　pushed　her　plate　away　from　her；　and
rose。

〃You　haven't　eaten　anything；〃　said　Hannah；　who　had　come　into　the　room。　　〃Where
are　you　going？〃

〃Outto　Eda's；〃　Janet　answered。。。。

〃It's　late；〃　Hannah　objected。　　But　Janet　departed。　　Instead　of　going　to　Eda's
she　walked　alone；　seeking　the　quieter　streets　that　her　thoughts　might　flow
undisturbed。　　At　ten　o'clock；　when　she　returned；　the　light　was　out　in　the
diningroom；　her　sister　had　not　come　in；　and　she　began　slowly　to　undress；
pausing　every　now　and　then　to　sit　on　the　bed　and　dream；　once　she　surprised
herself　gazing　into　the　glass　with　a　rapt　expression　that　was　almost　a　smile。
What　was　it　about　her　that　had　attracted　Ditmar？　　No　other　man　had　ever　noticed
it。　　She　had　never　thought　herself　good　looking；　and　nowit　was　astonishing！
she　seemed　to　have　changed；and　she　saw　with　pride　that　her　arms　and　neck　were
shapely；　that　her　dark　hair　fell　down　in　a　cascade　over　her　white　shoulders　to
her　waist。　　She　caressed　it；　it　was　fine。　　When　she　looked　again；　a　radiancy
seemed　to　envelop　her。　　She　braided　her　hair　slowly；　in　two　long　plaits；
looking　shyly　in　the　mirror　and　always　seeing　that　radiancy。。。。

Suddenly　it　occurred　to　her　with　a　shock　that　she　was　doing　exactly　what　she
had　despised　Lise　for　doing；　and　leaving　the　mirror　she　hurried　her　toilet；　put
out　the　light；　and　got　into　bed。　　For　a　long　time；　however；　she　remained
wakeful；　turning　first　on　one　side　and　then　on　the　other；　trying　to　banish　from
her　mind　the　episode　that　had　excited　her。　　But　always　it　came　back　again。　　She
saw　Ditmar　before　her；　virile；　vital；　electric　with　desire。　　At　last　she　fell
asleep。

Gradually　she　was　awakened　by　something　penetrating　her　consciousness；
something　insistent；　pervasive；　unescapable；　which　in　drowsiness　she　could　not
define。　　The　gas　was　burning；　Lise　had　come　in；　and　was　moving　peculiarly　about
the　room。　　Janet　watched　her。　　She　stood　in　front　of　the　bureau；　just　as　Janet
herself　had　done；　her　hands　at　her　throat。　　At　last　she　let　them　fall；　her　head
turning　slowly；　as　though　drawn；　by　some　irresistible；　hypnotic　power；　and
their　eyes　met。　　Lise's　were　filmed；　like　those　of　a　dog　whose　head　is　being
stroked；　expressing　a　luxuriant　dreaminess　uncomprehending；　passionate。

〃Say；　did　I　wake　you？〃　she　asked。　　〃I　did　my　best　not　to　make　any　noisehonest
to　God。〃

〃It　wasn't　the　noise　that　woke　me　up；〃　said　Janet。

〃It　couldn't　have　been。〃

〃You've　been　drinking！〃　said　Janet；　slowly。

Lise　giggled。

〃What's　it　to　you；　angel　face！〃　　she　inquired。　　〃Quiet　down；　now；　and　go　bye…
bye。〃

Janet　sprang　from　the　bed；　seized　her　by　the　shoulders；　and　shook　her。　　She　was
limp。　　She　began　to　whimper。

〃Cut　it　outleave　me　go。　　It　ain't　nothing　to　you　what　I　doI　just　had　a
highball。〃

Janet　released　her　and　drew　back。

〃I　just　had　a　highballhonest　to　God！〃

〃Don't　say　that　again！〃　whispered　Janet；　fiercely。

〃Oh；　very　well。　　For　God's　sake；　go　to　bed　and　leave　me　aloneI　can　take　care
of　myself；　I　guessI　ain't　nutty　enough　to　hit　the　booze。　　But　I　ain't　like
youI've　got　to　have　a　little　fun　to　keep　alive。〃

〃A　little　fun！〃　Janet　exclaimed。　　The　phrase　struck　her　sharply。　　A　little　fun
to　keep　alive！

With　that　same　peculiar；　cautious　movement　she　had　observed；　Lise　approached　a
chair；　and　sank　into　it；jerking　her　head　in　the　direction　of　the　room　where
Hannah　and　Edward　slept。

〃D'you　want　to　wake　'em　up？　　Is　that　your　game？〃　she　asked；　and　began　to　fumble
at　her　belt。　　Overcoming　with　an　effort　a　disgust　amounting　to　nausea；　Janet
approached　her　sister　again；　little　by　little　undressing　her；　and　finally
getting　her　into　bed；　when　she　immediately　fell　into　a　profound　slumber。
Janet；　too；　got　into　bed；　but　sleep　was　impossible：　the　odour　lurked　like　a
foul　spirit　in　the　darkness；　mingling　with　the　stagnant；　damp　air　that　came　in
at　the　open　window；　fairly　saturating　her　with　horror：　it　seemed　the　very
essence　of　degradation。　　But　as　she　lay　on　the　edge　of　the　bed；　shrinking　from
contamination；　in　the　throes　of　excitement　inspired　by　an　unnamed　fear；　she
grew　hot；　she　could　feel　and　almost　hear　the　pounding　of　her　heart。　　She　rose；
felt　around　in　the　clammy　darkness　for　her　wrapper　and　slippers；　gained　the
door；　crept　through　the　dark　hall　to　the　dining…room；　where　she　stealthily　lit
the　lamp；　darkness　had　become　a　terror。　　A　cockroach　scurried　across　the
linoleum。　　The　room　was　warm　and　close；　it　reeked　with　the　smell　of　stale　food；
but　at　least　she　found　relief　from　that　other　odour。　　She　sank　down　on　the
sofa。

Her　sister　was　drunk。　　That　in　itself　was　terrible　enough；　yet　it　was　not　the
drunkenness　alone　that　had　sickened　Janet；　but　the　suggestion　of　something
else。　　Where　had　Lise　been？　　In　whose　company　had　she　become　drunk？　　Of　late；
in　contrast　to　a　former　communicativeness；　Lise　had　been　singuarly　secretive　as
to　her　companions；　and　the　manner　in　which　her　evenings　were　spent；　and　she；
Janet；　had　grown　too　self…absorbed　to　be　curious。　　Lise；　with　her　shopgirl's
cynical　knowledge　of　life　and　its　pitfalls　and　the　high　valuation　at　which　she
held　her　charms；　had　seemed　secure　from　danger；　but　Janet　recalled　her
discouragement；　her　threat　to　leave　the　Bagatelle。　　Since　then　there　had　been
something　furtive　about　her。　　Now；　because　that　odour　of　alcohol　Lise　exhaled
had　destroyed　in　Janet　the　sense　of　exhilaration；　of　life　on　a　higher　plane　she
had　begun　to　feel；　and　filled　her　with　degradation；　she　hated　Lise；　felt　for
her　sister　no　strain　of　pity。　　A　proof；　had　she　recognized　it；　that　immorality
is　not　a　matter　of　laws　and　decrees；　but　of　individual　emotions。　　A　few　hours
before　she　had　seen　nothing　wrong　in　her　relationship　with　Ditmar：　now　she
beheld　him　selfish；　ruthless；　pursuing　her　for　one　end；　his　own　gratification。
As　a　man；　he　had　become　an　enemy。　　Ditmar　was　like　all　other　men　who　exploited
her　sex　without　compunction；　but　the　thought　that　she　was　like　Lise；　asleep　in
a　drunken　stupor；　that　their　cases　differed　only　in　degree；　was　insupportable。

At　last　she　fell　asleep　from　sheer　weariness；　to　dream　she　was　with　Ditmar　at
some　place　in　the　country　under　spreading　trees；　Silliston；　perhapsSilliston
Common；　cleverly　disguised：　nor　was　she　quite　sure；　always；　that　the　man　was
Ditmar；　he　had　a　way　of　changing；　of　resembling　the　man　she　had　met　in
Silliston　whom　she　had　mistaken　for　a　carpenter。　　He　was　pleading　with　her；　in
his　voice　was　the　peculiar　vibrancy　that　thrilled　her；　that　summoned　some
answering　thing　out　of　the　depths　of　her；　and　she　felt　herself　yielding　with　a
strange　ecstasy　in　which　were　mingled　joy　and　terror。　　The　terror　was
conquering　the　joy；　and　suddenly　he　stood　transformed　before　her　eyes；
caricatured；　become　a　shrieking　monster　from　whom　she　sought　in　agony　to