the uncommercial traveller-第76章

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esteemed　Herr　Teufelsdroch　might　put　it；　were　founded　on　a　jockey；

on　a　circus；　on　General　Garibaldi；　on　cheap　porcelain；　on　a　toy

shop；　on　Guy　Fawkes；　on　waxwork；　on　gold…digging；　on　Bedlam；　or　on

all；　…　were　doubts　that　greatly　exercised　my　mind。　　Meanwhile；　my

fellow…man　stumbled　and　slided；　excessively　against　his　will；　on

the　slippery　stones　of　my　Covent…garden　street；　and　elicited

shrieks　from　several　sympathetic　females；　by　convulsively

restraining　himself　from　pitching　over　his　horse's　head。　　In　the

very　crisis　of　these　evolutions；　and　indeed　at　the　trying　moment

when　his　charger's　tail　was　in　a　tobacconist's　shop；　and　his　head

anywhere　about　town；　this　cavalier　was　joined　by　two　similar

portents；　who；　likewise　stumbling　and　sliding；　caused　him　to

stumble　and　slide　the　more　distressingly。　　At　length　this　Gilpinian

triumvirate　effected　a　halt；　and；　looking　northward；　waved　their

three　right　hands　as　commanding　unseen　troops；　to　'Up；　guards！　and

at　'em。'　　Hereupon　a　brazen　band　burst　forth；　which　caused　them　to

be　instantly　bolted　with　to　some　remote　spot　of　earth　in　the

direction　of　the　Surrey　Hills。



Judging　from　these　appearances　that　a　procession　was　under　way；　I

threw　up　my　window；　and；　craning　out；　had　the　satisfaction　of

beholding　it　advancing　along　the　streets。　　It　was　a　Teetotal

procession；　as　I　learnt　from　its　banners；　and　was　long　enough　to

consume　twenty　minutes　in　passing。　　There　were　a　great　number　of

children　in　it；　some　of　them　so　very　young　in　their　mothers'　arms

as　to　be　in　the　act　of　practically　exemplifying　their　abstinence

from　fermented　liquors；　and　attachment　to　an　unintoxicating　drink；

while　the　procession　defiled。　　The　display　was；　on　the　whole；

pleasant　to　see；　as　any　good…humoured　holiday　assemblage　of　clean；

cheerful；　and　well…conducted　people　should　be。　　It　was　bright　with

ribbons；　tinsel；　and　shoulder…belts；　and　abounded　in　flowers；　as　if

those　latter　trophies　had　come　up　in　profusion　under　much　watering。

The　day　being　breezy；　the　insubordination　of　the　large　banners　was

very　reprehensible。　　Each　of　these　being　borne　aloft　on　two　poles

and　stayed　with　some　half…dozen　lines；　was　carried；　as　polite　books

in　the　last　century　used　to　be　written；　by　'various　hands；'　and　the

anxiety　expressed　in　the　upturned　faces　of　those　officers；　…

something　between　the　anxiety　attendant　on　the　balancing　art；　and

that　inseparable　from　the　pastime　of　kite…flying；　with　a　touch　of

the　angler's　quality　in　landing　his　scaly　prey；　…　much　impressed

me。　　Suddenly；　too；　a　banner　would　shiver　in　the　wind；　and　go　about

in　the　most　inconvenient　manner。　　This　always　happened　oftenest

with　such　gorgeous　standards　as　those　representing　a　gentleman　in

black；　corpulent　with　tea　and　water；　in　the　laudable　act　of

summarily　reforming　a　family；　feeble　and　pinched　with　beer。　　The

gentleman　in　black　distended　by　wind　would　then　conduct　himself

with　the　most　unbecoming　levity；　while　the　beery　family；　growing

beerier；　would　frantically　try　to　tear　themselves　away　from　his

ministration。　　Some　of　the　inscriptions　accompanying　the　banners

were　of　a　highly　determined　character；　as　'We　never；　never　will

give　up　the　temperance　cause；'　with　similar　sound　resolutions

rather　suggestive　to　the　profane　mind　of　Mrs。　Micawber's　'I　never

will　desert　Mr。　Micawber；'　and　of　Mr。　Micawber's　retort；　'Really；

my　dear；　I　am　not　aware　that　you　were　ever　required　by　any　human

being　to　do　anything　of　the　sort。'



At　intervals；　a　gloom　would　fall　on　the　passing　members　of　the

procession；　for　which　I　was　at　first　unable　to　account。　　But　this　I

discovered；　after　a　little　observation；　to　be　occasioned　by　the

coming　on　of　the　executioners；　…　the　terrible　official　beings　who

were　to　make　the　speeches　by…and…by；　…　who　were　distributed　in　open

carriages　at　various　points　of　the　cavalcade。　　A　dark　cloud　and　a

sensation　of　dampness；　as　from　many　wet　blankets；　invariably

preceded　the　rolling　on　of　the　dreadful　cars　containing　these

headsmen；　and　I　noticed　that　the　wretched　people　who　closely

followed　them；　and　who　were　in　a　manner　forced　to　contemplate　their

folded　arms；　complacent　countenances；　and　threatening　lips；　were

more　overshadowed　by　the　cloud　and　damp　than　those　in　front。

Indeed；　I　perceived　in　some　of　these　so　moody　an　implacability

towards　the　magnates　of　the　scaffold；　and　so　plain　a　desire　to　tear

them　limb　from　limb；　that　I　would　respectfully　suggest　to　the

managers　the　expediency　of　conveying　the　executioners　to　the　scene

of　their　dismal　labours　by　unfrequented　ways；　and　in　closely…tilted

carts；　next　Whitsuntide。



The　procession　was　composed　of　a　series　of　smaller　processions；

which　had　come　together；　each　from　its　own　metropolitan　district。

An　infusion　of　allegory　became　perceptible　when　patriotic　Peckham

advanced。　　So　I　judged；　from　the　circumstance　of　Peckham's

unfurling　a　silken　banner　that　fanned　heaven　and　earth　with　the

words；　'The　Peckham　Lifeboat。'　　No　boat　being　in　attendance；　though

life；　in　the　likeness　of　'a　gallant；　gallant　crew；'　in　nautical

uniform；　followed　the　flag；　I　was　led　to　meditate　on　the　fact　that

Peckham　is　described　by　geographers　as　an　inland　settlement；　with

no　larger　or　nearer　shore…line　than　the　towing…path　of　the　Surrey

Canal；　on　which　stormy　station　I　had　been　given　to　understand　no

lifeboat　exists。　　Thus　I　deduced　an　allegorical　meaning；　and　came

to　the　conclusion；　that　if　patriotic　Peckham　picked　a　peck　of

pickled　poetry；　this　WAS　the　peck　of　pickled　poetry　which　patriotic

Peckham　picked。



I　have　observed　that　the　aggregate　procession　was　on　the　whole

pleasant　to　see。　　I　made　use　of　that　qualified　expression　with　a

direct　meaning；　which　I　will　now　explain。　　It　involves　the　title　of

this　paper；　and　a　little　fair　trying　of　teetotalism　by　its　own

tests。　　There　were　many　people　on　foot；　and　many　people　in　vehicles

of　various　kinds。　　The　former　were　pleasant　to　see；　and　the　latter

were　not　pleasant　to　see；　for　the　reason　that　I　never；　on　any

occasion　or　under　any　circumstances；　have　beheld　heavier

overloading　of　horses　than　in　this　public　show。　　Unless　the

imposition　of　a　great　van　laden　with　from　ten　to　twenty　people　on　a

single　horse　be　a　moderate　tasking　of　the　poor　creature；　then　the

temperate　use　of　horses　was　immoderate　and　cruel。　　From　the

smallest　and　lightest　horse　to　the　largest　and　heaviest；　there　were

many　instances　in　which　the　beast　of　burden　was　so　shamefully

overladen；　that　the　Society　for　the　Prevention　of　Cruelty　to

Animals　have　frequently　interposed　in　less　gross　cases。



Now；　I　have　always　held　that　there　may　be；　and　that　there

unquestionably　is；　such　a　thing　as　use　without　abuse；　and　that

therefore　the　total　abolitionists　are　irrational　and　wrong…headed。

But　the　procession　completely　converted　me。　　For　so　large　a　number

of　the　people　using　draught…horses　in　it　were　so　clearly　unable　to

use　them　without　abusing　them；　that　I　perceived　total　abstinence

from　horseflesh　to　be　the　only　remedy　of　which　the　case　admitted。

As　it　is　all　one　to　teetotalers　whether　you　take　half　a　pint　of

beer　or　half　a　gallon；　so　it　was　all　one　here　whether　the　beast　of

burden　were　a　pony　or　a　cart…horse。　　Indeed；　my　case　had　the

special　strength　that　the　half…pint　quadruped　underwent　as　much

suffering　as　the　half…gallon　quadruped。　　Moral：　　total　abstinence

from　horseflesh　through　the　whole　length　and　breadth　of　the　scale。

This　pledge　will　be　in　course　of　administration　to　all　teetotal

processionists；　not　pedestrians；　at　the　publishing　office　of　'All

the　Year　Round；'　on　the　1st　day　of　April；　1870。



Observe　a　point　for　consideration。　　This　procession　comprised　many

persons　in　their　gigs；　broughams；　tax…carts；　barouches；　chaises；

and　what　not；　who　were　merciful　to　the　dumb　beasts　that　drew　them；

and　did　not　overcharge　their　strength。　　What　is　to　be　done　with

those　unoffending　persons？　　I　will　not　run　amuck　and　vilify　and

defame　them；　as　teetotal　tracts　and　platforms　would　most　assuredly

do；　if　the　question　were　one　of　drinking　instead　of　driving：　　I

merely　ask　what　is　to　be　done　with　them！　　The　reply　admits　of　no

dispute　whatever。　　Manifestly；　in　strict　accordance　with　teetotal

doctrines；　THEY　must　come　in　too；　and　take　the　total　abstinence

from　horseflesh　pledge。　　It　is　not　pretended　that　those　members　of

the　procession　misused　certain　auxiliaries　which　in　most　countries

and　all　ages　have　been　bestowed　upon　man　for　his　use；　but　it　is

undeniable　that　other　members　of　the　procession　did。　　Teetotal

mathematics　demonstrate　that　the　less　includes　the　greater；　that

the　guilty　include　the　innocent；　the　blind　the　seeing；　the　deaf　the

hearing；　the　dumb　the　speaking；　the　drunken　the　sober。　　If　any　of

the　moderate　users　of　draught…cattle　in　question　should　deem　that

there　is　any　gentle　violence　done　to　their　reason　by　these　elements

of　logic；　they　are　invited　to　come　out　of　the　procession　next

Whitsuntide；　and　look　at　it　from　my　window。









End