the uncommercial traveller-第75章

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matter　what）；　which　could　be　transacted　by　myself　alone；　in　which　I

could　have　no　help；　which　imposed　a　constant　strain　on　the

attention；　memory；　observation；　and　physical　powers；　and　which

involved　an　almost　fabulous　amount　of　change　of　place　and　rapid

railway　travelling。　　I　had　followed　this　pursuit　through　an

exceptionally　trying　winter　in　an　always　trying　climate；　and　had

resumed　it　in　England　after　but　a　brief　repose。　　Thus　it　came　to　be

prolonged　until；　at　length　…　and；　as　it　seemed；　all　of　a　sudden　…

it　so　wore　me　out　that　I　could　not　rely；　with　my　usual　cheerful

confidence；　upon　myself　to　achieve　the　constantly　recurring　task；

and　began　to　feel　（for　the　first　time　in　my　life）　giddy；　jarred；

shaken；　faint；　uncertain　of　voice　and　sight　and　tread　and　touch；

and　dull　of　spirit。　　The　medical　advice　I　sought　within　a　few

hours；　was　given　in　two　words：　　'instant　rest。'　　Being　accustomed

to　observe　myself　as　curiously　as　if　I　were　another　man；　and

knowing　the　advice　to　meet　my　only　need；　I　instantly　halted　in　the

pursuit　of　which　I　speak；　and　rested。



My　intention　was；　to　interpose；　as　it　were；　a　fly…leaf　in　the　book

of　my　life；　in　which　nothing　should　be　written　from　without　for　a

brief　season　of　a　few　weeks。　　But　some　very　singular　experiences

recorded　themselves　on　this　same　fly…leaf；　and　I　am　going　to　relate

them　literally。　　I　repeat　the　word：　　literally。



My　first　odd　experience　was　of　the　remarkable　coincidence　between

my　case；　in　the　general　mind；　and　one　Mr。　Merdle's　as　I　find　it

recorded　in　a　work　of　fiction　called　LITTLE　DORRIT。　　To　be　sure；

Mr。　Merdle　was　a　swindler；　forger；　and　thief；　and　my　calling　had

been　of　a　less　harmful　（and　less　remunerative）　nature；　but　it　was

all　one　for　that。



Here　is　Mr。　Merdle's　case：



'At　first；　he　was　dead　of　all　the　diseases　that　ever　were　known；

and　of　several　bran…new　maladies　invented　with　the　speed　of　Light

to　meet　the　demand　of　the　occasion。　　He　had　concealed　a　dropsy　from

infancy；　he　had　inherited　a　large　estate　of　water　on　the　chest　from

his　grandfather；　he　had　had　an　operation　performed　upon　him　every

morning　of　his　life　for　eighteen　years；　he　had　been　subject　to　the

explosion　of　important　veins　in　his　body　after　the　manner　of

fireworks；　he　had　had　something　the　matter　with　his　lungs；　he　had

had　something　the　matter　with　his　heart；　he　had　had　something　the

matter　with　his　brain。　　Five　hundred　people　who　sat　down　to

breakfast　entirely　uninformed　on　the　whole　subject；　believed　before

they　had　done　breakfast；　that　they　privately　and　personally　knew

Physician　to　have　said　to　Mr。　Merdle；　〃You　must　expect　to　go　out；

some　day；　like　the　snuff　of　a　candle；〃　and　that　they　knew　Mr。

Merdle　to　have　said　to　Physician；　〃A　man　can　die　but　once。〃　　By

about　eleven　o'clock　in　the　forenoon；　something　the　matter　with　the

brain；　became　the　favourite　theory　against　the　field；　and　by　twelve

the　something　had　been　distinctly　ascertained　to　be　〃Pressure。〃



'Pressure　was　so　entirely　satisfactory　to　the　public　mind；　and

seemed　to　make　every　one　so　comfortable；　that　it　might　have　lasted

all　day　but　for　Bar's　having　taken　the　real　state　of　the　case　into

Court　at　half…past　nine。　　Pressure；　however；　so　far　from　being

overthrown　by　the　discovery；　became　a　greater　favourite　than　ever。

There　was　a　general　moralising　upon　Pressure；　in　every　street。　　All

the　people　who　had　tried　to　make　money　and　had　not　been　able　to　do

it；　said；　There　you　were！　　You　no　sooner　began　to　devote　yourself

to　the　pursuit　of　wealth；　than　you　got　Pressure。　　The　idle　people

improved　the　occasion　in　a　similar　manner。　　See；　said　they；　what

you　brought　yourself　to　by　work；　work；　work！　　You　persisted　in

working；　you　overdid　it；　Pressure　came　on；　and　you　were　done　for！

This　consideration　was　very　potent　in　many　quarters；　but　nowhere

more　so　than　among　the　young　clerks　and　partners　who　had　never　been

in　the　slightest　danger　of　overdoing　it。　　These；　one　and　all

declared；　quite　piously；　that　they　hoped　they　would　never　forget

the　warning　as　long　as　they　lived；　and　that　their　conduct　might　be

so　regulated　as　to　keep　off　Pressure；　and　preserve　them；　a　comfort

to　their　friends；　for　many　years。'



Just　my　case　…　if　I　had　only　known　it　…　when　I　was　quietly　basking

in　the　sunshine　in　my　Kentish　meadow！



But　while　I　so　rested；　thankfully　recovering　every　hour；　I　had

experiences　more　odd　than　this。　　I　had　experiences　of　spiritual

conceit；　for　which；　as　giving　me　a　new　warning　against　that　curse

of　mankind；　I　shall　always　feel　grateful　to　the　supposition　that　I

was　too　far　gone　to　protest　against　playing　sick　lion　to　any　stray

donkey　with　an　itching　hoof。　　All　sorts　of　people　seemed　to　become

vicariously　religious　at　my　expense。　　I　received　the　most

uncompromising　warning　that　I　was　a　Heathen：　　on　the　conclusive

authority　of　a　field　preacher；　who；　like　the　most　of　his　ignorant

and　vain　and　daring　class；　could　not　construct　a　tolerable　sentence

in　his　native　tongue　or　pen　a　fair　letter。　　This　inspired

individual　called　me　to　order　roundly；　and　knew　in　the　freest　and

easiest　way　where　I　was　going　to；　and　what　would　become　of　me　if　I

failed　to　fashion　myself　on　his　bright　example；　and　was　on　terms　of

blasphemous　confidence　with　the　Heavenly　Host。　　He　was　in　the

secrets　of　my　heart；　and　in　the　lowest　soundings　of　my　soul　…　he！　…

and　could　read　the　depths　of　my　nature　better　than　his　A　B　C；　and

could　turn　me　inside　out；　like　his　own　clammy　glove。　　But　what　is

far　more　extraordinary　than　this　…　for　such　dirty　water　as　this

could　alone　be　drawn　from　such　a　shallow　and　muddy　source　…　I　found

from　the　information　of　a　beneficed　clergyman；　of　whom　I　never

heard　and　whom　I　never　saw；　that　I　had　not；　as　I　rather　supposed　I

had；　lived　a　life　of　some　reading；　contemplation；　and　inquiry；　that

I　had　not　studied；　as　I　rather　supposed　I　had；　to　inculcate　some

Christian　lessons　in　books；　that　I　had　never　tried；　as　I　rather

supposed　I　had；　to　turn　a　child　or　two　tenderly　towards　the

knowledge　and　love　of　our　Saviour；　that　I　had　never　had；　as　I

rather　supposed　I　had　had；　departed　friends；　or　stood　beside　open

graves；　but　that　I　had　lived　a　life　of　'uninterrupted　prosperity；'

and　that　I　needed　this　'check；　overmuch；'　and　that　the　way　to　turn

it　to　account　was　to　read　these　sermons　and　these　poems；　enclosed；

and　written　and　issued　by　my　correspondent！　　I　beg　it　may　be

understood　that　I　relate　facts　of　my　own　uncommercial　experience；

and　no　vain　imaginings。　　The　documents　in　proof　lie　near　my　hand。



Another　odd　entry　on　the　fly…leaf；　of　a　more　entertaining

character；　was　the　wonderful　persistency　with　which　kind

sympathisers　assumed　that　I　had　injuriously　coupled　with　the　so

suddenly　relinquished　pursuit；　those　personal　habits　of　mine　most

obviously　incompatible　with　it；　and　most　plainly　impossible　of

being　maintained；　along　with　it。　　As；　all　that　exercise；　all　that

cold　bathing；　all　that　wind　and　weather；　all　that　uphill　training　…

all　that　everything　else；　say；　which　is　usually　carried　about　by

express　trains　in　a　portmanteau　and　hat…box；　and　partaken　of　under

a　flaming　row　of　gas…lights　in　the　company　of　two　thousand　people。

This　assuming　of　a　whole　case　against　all　fact　and　likelihood；

struck　me　as　particularly　droll；　and　was　an　oddity　of　which　I

certainly　had　had　no　adequate　experience　in　life　until　I　turned

that　curious　fly…leaf。



My　old　acquaintances　the　begging…letter　writers　came　out　on　the

fly…leaf；　very　piously　indeed。　　They　were　glad；　at　such　a　serious

crisis；　to　afford　me　another　opportunity　of　sending　that　Post…

office　order。　　I　needn't　make　it　a　pound；　as　previously　insisted

on；　ten　shillings　might　ease　my　mind。　　And　Heaven　forbid　that　they

should　refuse；　at　such　an　insignificant　figure；　to　take　a　weight

off　the　memory　of　an　erring　fellow…creature！　　One　gentleman；　of　an

artistic　turn　（and　copiously　illustrating　the　books　of　the

Mendicity　Society）；　thought　it　might　soothe　my　conscience；　in　the

tender　respect　of　gifts　misused；　if　I　would　immediately　cash　up　in

aid　of　his　lowly　talent　for　original　design　…　as　a　specimen　of

which　he　enclosed　me　a　work　of　art　which　I　recognized　as　a　tracing

from　a　woodcut　originally　published　in　the　late　Mrs。　Trollope's

book　on　America；　forty　or　fifty　years　ago。　　The　number　of　people

who　were　prepared　to　live　long　years　after　me；　untiring　benefactors

to　their　species；　for　fifty　pounds　apiece　down；　was　astonishing。

Also；　of　those　who　wanted　bank…notes　for　stiff　penitential　amounts；

to　give　away：…　not　to　keep；　on　any　account。



Divers　wonderful　medicines　and　machines　insinuated　recommendations

of　themselves　into　the　fly…leaf　that　was　to　have　been　so　blank。　　It

was　specially　observable　that　every　prescriber；　whether　in　a　moral

or　physical　direction；　knew　me　thoroughly　…　knew　me　from　head　to

heel；　in　and　out；　through　and　through；　upside　down。　　I　was　a　glass

piece　of　general　property；　and　everybody　was　on　the　most

surprisingly　intimate　terms　with　me。　　A　few　public　institutions　had

complimentary　perceptions　of　corners　in　my　mind；　of　which；　after

considerable　self…examination；　I　have　not　discovered　any

indication。　　Neat　little　printed　forms　were　addressed　to　those

corners；　beginning　with　the　words：　　'I　give　and　bequeath。'



Will　it　seem　exaggerative　to　state　my　belief　that　the　most　honest；

the　most　modest；　and　the　least　vain…glorious　of　all　the　records

upon　this　strange　fly…leaf；　was　a　letter　from　the　self…deceived

discoverer　of　the　recondite　secret　'how　to　live　four　or　five

hundred　years'？　　Doubtless　it　will　seem　so；　yet　the　statement　is

not　exaggerative　by　any　means；　but　is　made　in　my　serious　and

sincere　conviction。　　With　this；　and　with　a　laugh　at　the　rest　that

shall　not　be　cynical；　I　turn　the　Fly…leaf；　and　go　on　again。







CHAPTER　XXXVII　…　A　PLEA　FOR　TOTAL　ABSTINENCE







One　day　this　last　Whitsuntide；　at　precisely　eleven　o'clock　in　the

forenoon；　there　suddenly　rode　into　the　field　of　view　commanded　by

the　windows　of　my　lodging　an　equestrian　phenomenon。　　It　was　a

fellow…creature　on　horseback；　dressed　in　the　absurdest　manner。　　The

fellow…creature　wore　high　boots；　some　other　（and　much　larger）

fellow…creature's　breeches；　of　a　slack…baked　doughy　colour　and　a

baggy　form；　a　blue　shirt；　whereof　the　skirt；　or　tail；　was　puffily

tucked　into　the　waist…band　of　the　said　breeches；　no　coat；　a　red

shoulder…belt；　and　a　demi…semi…military　scarlet　hat；　with　a

feathered　ornament　in　front；　which；　to　the　uninstructed　human

vision；　had　the　appearance　of　a　moulting　shuttlecock。　　I　laid　down

the　newspaper　with　which　I　had　been　occupied；　and　surveyed　the

fellow…man　in　question　with　astonishment。　　Whether　he　had　been

sitting　to　any　painter　as　a　frontispiece　for　a　new　edition　of

'Sartor　Resartus；'　whether　'the　husk　or　shell　of　him；'　as　the

esteemed　Herr　Teufelsdroch　might　put　it；　were　founded　on　a　jockey；

on　a　circus；　on　General　Garibaldi；