the complete plays-第12章
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That it was 〃mock〃； no mortal would be
guessing；
With so much winsome wile
I'd witch and woo！
Did any other maid
With you succeed；
I'd pinch the forward jade
I would indeed！
With jealous frenzy agitated
（Which would； of course； be simulated）；
I'd make her wish she'd never been created
Did any other maid
With you succeed！
And should there come to me；
Some summers hence；
In all the childish glee
Of innocence；
Fair babes； aglow with beauty vernal；
My heart would bound with joy diurnal！
This sweet display of sympathy maternal；
Well； that would also be
A mere pretence！
My histrionic art
Though you deride；
That's how I'd play that part
The Grand Duke's Bride！
ENSEMBLE。
ERNEST。 JULIA。
Oh joy！ when two glowing young My boy； when two
glowing
hearts； young hearts
From the rise of the curtain； From the rise of the
curtain；
Thus throw themselves into their Thus throw themselves
into
their parts； parts；
Success is most certain！ Success is most
certain！
If the role you're prepared to endow The role I'm prepared
to
endow
With such delicate touches； With most delicate
touch…
es；
By the heaven above us； I vow By the heaven above us；
I
vow
You shall be my Grand Duchess！ I will be your Grand
Duchess！
（Dance。）
Enter all the Chorus with LUDWIG； NOTARY；
and LISAall greatly agitated。
EXCITED CHORUS。
My goodness me！ What shall we do ？ Why； what a dreadful
situation！
（To LUD。） It's all your fault； you booby youyou lump of
indiscrimination！
I'm sure I don't know where to goit's put me into such a
tetter
But this at all events I knowthe sooner we are off； the
better！
ERN。 What means this agitato？ What d'ye seek？
As your Grand Duke elect I bid you speak！
SONGLUDWIG。
Ten minutes since I met a chap
Who bowed an easy salutation
Thinks I； 〃This gentleman； mayhap；
Belongs to our Association。〃
But； on the whole；
Uncertain yet；
A sausage…roll
I took and eat
That chap replied （I don't embellish）
By eating three with obvious relish。
CHORUS （angrily）。 Why； gracious powers；
No chum of ours
Could eat three sausage…rolls with relish！
LUD。 Quite reassured； I let him know
Our ploteach incident explaining；
That stranger chuckled much； as though
He thought me highly entertaining。
I told him all；
Both bad and good；
I bade him call
He said he would：
I added muchthe more I muckled；
The more that chuckling chummy chuckled！
ALL （angrily）。 A bat could see
He couldn't be
A chum of ours if he chuckled！
LUD。 Well； as I bowed to his applause；
Down dropped he with hysteric bellow
And that seemed right enough； because
I am a devilish funny fellow。
Then suddenly；
As still he squealed；
It flashed on me
That I'd revealed
Our plot； with all details effective；
To Grand Duke Rudolph's own detective！
ALL。 What folly fell；
To go and tell
Our plot to any one's detective！
CHORUS。
（Attacking LUDWIG。） You booby dense
You oaf immense；
With no pretence
To common sense！
A stupid muff
Who's made of stuff
Not worth a puff
Of candle…snuff！
Pack up at once and off we go； unless we're anxious to exhibit
Our fairy forms all in a row； strung up upon the Castle gibbet！
＇Exeunt Chorus。 Manent LUDWIG； LISA；
ERNEST； JULIA； and NOTARY。
JULIA。 Well； a nice mess you've got us into！ There's an
end of our precious plot！ All uppopfizzlebangdone for！
LUD。 Yes； butha！ ha！fancy my choosing the Grand Duke's
private detective； of all men； to make a confidant of！ When you
come to think of it； it's really devilish funny！
ERN。 （angrily）。 When you come to think of it； it's
extremely injudicious to admit into a conspiracy every
pudding…headed baboon who presents himself！
LUD。 YesI should never do that。 If I were chairman of
this gang； I should hesitate to enrol any baboon who couldn't
produce satisfactory credentials from his last Zoological
Gardens。
LISA。 Ludwig is far from being a baboon。 Poor boy； he
could not help giving us awayit's his trusting naturehe was
deceived。
JULIA （furiously）。 His trusting nature！ （To LUDWIG。） Oh；
I should like to talk to you in my own language for five
minutesonly five minutes！ I know some good； strong； energetic
English remarks that would shrivel your trusting nature into
raisinsonly you wouldn't understand them！
LUD。 Here we perceive one of the disadvantages of a
neglected education！
ERN。 （to JULIA）。 And I suppose you'll never be my Grand
Duchess now！
JULIA。 Grand Duchess？ My good friend； if you don't
produce
the piece how can I play the part？
ERN。 True。 （To LUDWIG。） You see what you've done。
LUD。 But； my dear sir； you don't seem to understand that
the man ate three sausage…rolls。 Keep that fact steadily before
you。 Three large sausage…rolls。
JULIA。 Bah！Lots of people eat sausage…rolls who are not
conspirators。
LUD。 Then they shouldn't。 It's bad form。 It's not the
game。 When one of the Human Family proposes to eat a
sausage…roll； it is his duty to ask himself； 〃Am I a
conspirator？〃 And if； on examination； he finds that he is not a
conspirator； he is bound in honour to select some other form of
refreshment。
LISA。 Of course he is。 One should always play the game。
（To NOTARY； who has been smiling placidly through this。） What
are you grinning at； you greedy old man？
NOT。 Nothingdon't mind me。 It is always amusing to the
legal mind to see a parcel of laymen bothering themselves about a
matter which to a trained lawyer presents no difficulty whatever。
ALL。 No difficulty！
NOT。 None whatever！ The way out of it is quite simple。
ALL。 Simple？
NOT。 Certainly！ Now attend。 In the first place； you two
men fight a Statutory Duel。
ERN。 A Statutory Duel？
JULIA。 A Stat…tat…tatutory Duel！ Ach！ what a crack…jaw
language this German is！
LUD。 Never heard of such a thing。
NOT。 It is true that the practice has fallen into abeyance
through disuse。 But all the laws of Pfennig Halbpfennig run for
a hundred years； when they die a natural death； unless； in the
meantime； they have been revived for another century。 The Act
that institutes the Statutory Duel was passed a hundred years
ago； and as it has never been revived； it expires to…morrow。 So
you're just in time。
JULIA。 But what is the use of talking to us about
Statutory
Duels when we none of us know what a Statutory Duel is？
NOT。 Don't you？ Then I'll explain。
SONGNOTARY。
About a century since；
The code of the duello
To sudden death
For want of breath
Sent many a strapping fellow。
The then presiding Prince
（Who useless bloodshed hated）；
He passed an Act；
Short and compact；
Which may be briefly stated。
Unlike the complicated laws
A Parliamentary draftsman draws；
It may be briefly stated。
ALL。 We know that complicated laws；
Such as a legal draftsman draws；
Cannot be briefly stated。
NOT。 By this ingenious law；
If any two shall quarrel；
They may not fight
With falchions bright
（Which seemed to him immoral）；
But each a card shall draw；
And he who draws the lowest
Shall （so 'twas said）
Be thenceforth dead
In fact； a legal 〃ghoest〃
（When exigence of rhyme compels；
Orthography forgoes her spells；
And 〃ghost〃 is written 〃ghoest〃）。
ALL （aside） With what an emphasis he dwells
Upon 〃orthography〃 and 〃spells〃！
That kind of fun's the lowest。
NOT。 When off the loser's popped
（By pleasing legal fiction）；
And friend and foe
Have wept their woe
In counterfeit affliction；
The winner must adopt
The loser's poor relations
Discharge his debts；
Pay all his bets；
And take his obligations。
In short； to briefly sum the case；
The winner takes the loser's place；
With all its obligations。
ALL。 How neatly lawyers state a case！
The winner takes the loser's place；
With all its obligations！
LUD。 I see。 The man who draws the lowest card
NOT。 Dies； ipso facto； a social death。 He loses all his
civil rightshis identity disappearsthe Revising Barrister
expunges his name from the list of voters； and the winner takes
his place； whatever it may be； discharges all his functions； and
adopts
