the complete plays-第11章
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LUD。 If； in turn； he eats another；
That's a sign that he's a brother
Each may fully trust the other。
It is quaint and it is droll；
But it's bilious on the whole。
ALL。 Very bilious on the whole。
LUD。 It's a greasy kind of pasty；
Which； perhaps； a judgement hasty
Might consider rather tasty：
Once （to speak without disguise）
It found favour in our eyes。
ALL。 It found favour in our eyes。
LUD。 But when you've been six months feeding
（As we have） on this exceeding
Bilious food； it's no ill…breeding
If at these repulsive pies
Our offended gorges rise！
ALL。 Our offended gorges rise！
MARTHA。 Oh； bother the secret sign！ I've eaten it until
I'm quite uncomfortable！ I've given it six times already
to…dayand （whimpering） I can't eat any breakfast！
BERTHA。 And it's so unwholesome。 Why； we should all be as
yellow as frogs if it wasn't for the make…up！
LUD。 All this is rank treason to the cause。 I suffer as
much as any of you。 I loathe the repulsive thingI can't
contemplate it without a shudderbut I'm a conscientious
conspirator； and if you won't give the sign I will。 （Eats
sausage…roll with an effort。）
LISA。 Poor martyr！ He's always at it； and it's a wonder
where he puts it！
NOT。 Well now； about Troilus and Cressida。 What do you
play？
LUD。 （struggling with his feelings）。 If you'll be so
obliging as to wait until I've got rid of this feeling of warm
oil at the bottom of my throat； I'll tell you all about it。
（LISA gives him some brandy。） Thank you； my love； it's gone。
Well； the piece will be produced upon a scale of unexampled
magnificence。 It is confidently predicted that my appearance as
King Agamemnon； in a Louis Quatorze wig； will mark an epoch in
the theatrical annals of Pfennig Halbpfennig。 I endeavoured to
persuade Ernest Dummkopf； our manager； to lend us the classical
dresses for our marriage。 Think of the effect of a real Athenian
wedding procession cavorting through the streets of Speisesaal！
Torches burningcymbals bangingflutes tootlingcitharae
twangingand a throng of fifty lovely Spartan virgins capering
before us； all down the High Street； singing 〃Eloia！ Eloia！
Opoponax； Eloia！〃 It would have been tremendous！
NOT。 And he declined？
LUD。 He did； on the prosaic ground that it might rain； and
the ancient Greeks didn't carry umbrellas！ If； as is confidently
expected； Ernest Dummkopf is elected to succeed the dethroned
one； mark any words； he will make a mess of it。
＇Exit LUDWIG with LISA。
OLGA。 He's sure to be elected。 His entire company has
promised to plump for him on the understanding that all the
places about the Court are filled by members of his troupe；
according to professional precedence。
ERNEST enters in great excitement。
BERTHA （looking off）。 Here comes Ernest Dummkopf。 Now we
shall know all about it！
ALL。 Wellwhat's the news？ How is the election going？
ERN。 Oh； it's a certaintya practical certainty！ Two of
the candidates have been arrested for debt； and the third is a
baby in armsso； if you keep your promises； and vote solid； I'm
cocksure of election！
OLGA。 Trust to us。 But you remember the conditions？
ERN。 Yesall of you shall be provided for； for life。
Every man shall be ennobledevery lady shall have unlimited
credit at the Court Milliner's； and all salaries shall be paid
weekly in advance！
GRET。 Oh； it's quite clear he knows how to rule a Grand
Duchy！
ERN。 Rule a Grand Duchy？ Why； my good girl； for ten years
past I've ruled a theatrical company！ A man who can do that can
rule anything！
SONGERNEST。
Were I a king in very truth；
And had a sona guileless youth
In probable succession；
To teach him patience； teach him tact；
How promptly in a fix to act；
He should adopt； in point of fact；
A manager's profession。
To that condition he should stoop
（Despite a too fond mother）；
With eight or ten 〃stars〃 in his troupe；
All jealous of each other！
Oh； the man who can rule a theatrical crew；
Each member a genius （and some of them two）；
And manage to humour them； little and great；
Can govern this tuppenny State！
ALL。 Oh； the man； etc。
Both A and B rehearsal slight
They say they'll be 〃all right at night〃
（They've both to go to school yet）；
C in each act must change her dress；
D will attempt to 〃square the press〃；
E won't play Romeo unless
His grandmother plays Juliet；
F claims all hoydens as her rights
（She's played them thirty seasons）；
And G must show herself in tights
For two convincing reasons
Two very well…shaped reasons！
Oh； the man who can drive a theatrical team；
With wheelers and leaders in order supreme；
Can govern and rule； with a wave of his fin；
All Europewith Ireland thrown in！
ALL。 Oh； the man； etc。
＇Exeunt all but ERNEST。
ERN。 Elected by my fellow…conspirators to be Grand Duke of
Pfennig Halbpfennig as soon as the contemptible little occupant
of the historical throne is deposedhere is promotion indeed！
Why； instead of playing Troilus of Troy for a month； I shall play
Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig for a lifetime！ Yet； am I
happy？ Nofar from happy！ The lovely English comdiennethe
beautiful Julia； whose dramatic ability is so overwhelming that
our audiences forgive even her strong English accentthat rare
and radiant being treats my respectful advances with disdain
unutterable！ And yet； who knows？ She is haughty and ambitious；
and it may be that the splendid change in my fortunes may work a
corresponding change in her feelings towards me！
Enter JULIA JELLICOE。
JULIA。 Herr Dummkopf； a word with you； if you please。
ERN。 Beautiful English maiden
JULIA。 No compliments； I beg。 I desire to speak with you
on a
purely professional matter； so we will； if you please； dispense
with
allusions to my personal appearance； which can only tend to widen
the
breach which already exists between us。
ERN。 （aside）。 My only hope shattered！ The haughty
Londoner
still despises me！ （Aloud。） It shall be as you will。
JULIA。 I understand that the conspiracy in which we are
all
concerned is to develop to…morrow； and that the company is likely
to elect you to the throne on the understanding that the posts
about the Court are to be filled by members of your theatrical
troupe； according to their professional importance。
ERN。 That is so。
JULIA。 Then all I can say is that it places me in an
extremely awkward position。
ERN。 （very depressed）。 I don't see how it concerns you。
JULIA。 Why； bless my heart； don't you see that； as your
leading lady； I am bound under a serious penalty to play the
leading part in all your productions？
ERN。 Well？
JULIA。 Why； of course； the leading part in this production
will be the Grand Duchess！
ERN。 My wife？
JULIA。 That is another way of expressing the same idea。
ERN。 （asidedelighted）。 I scarcely dared even to hope
for
this！
JULIA。 Of course； as your leading lady； you'll be mean
enough to hold me to the terms of my agreement。 Oh； that's so
like a man！ Well； I suppose there's no help for itI shall have
to do it！
ERN。 （aside）。 She's mine！ （Aloud。） Butdo you really
think you would care to play that part？ （Taking her hand。）
JULIA （withdrawing it）。 Care to play it？ Certainly
notbut what am I to do？ Business is business； and I am bound
by the terms of my agreement。
ERN。 It's for a long run； minda run that may last many；
many yearsno understudyand once embarked upon there's no
throwing it up。
JULIA。 Oh； we're used to these long runs in England： they
are the curse of the stagebut； you see； I've no option。
ERN。 You think the part of Grand Duchess will be good
enough for you？
JULIA。 Oh； I think so。 It's a very good part in
Gerolstein； and oughtn't to be a bad one in Pfennig Halbpfennig。
Why； what did you suppose I was going to play？
ERN。 （keeping up a show of reluctance） But； considering
your strong personal dislike to me and your persistent rejection
of my repeated offers； won't you find it difficult to throw
yourself into the part with all the impassioned enthusiasm that
the character seems to demand？ Remember； it's a strongly
emotional part； involving long and repeated scenes of rapture；
tenderness； adoration； devotionall in luxuriant excess； and all
of the most demonstrative description。
JULIA。 My good sir； throughout my career I have made it a
rule never to allow private feeling to interfere with my
professional duties。 You may be quite sure that （however
distasteful the part may be） if I undertake it； I shall consider
myself professionally bound to throw myself into it with all the
ardour at my command。
ERN。 （asidewith effusion）。 I'm the happiest fellow
alive！
（Aloud。） Nowwould you have any objectiontoto give me some
ideaif it's only a mere sketchas to how you would play it？
It would be really interestingto meto know your conception
ofofthe part of my wife。
JULIA。 How would I play it？ Now； let me seelet me see。
（Considering。） Ah； I have it！
BALLADJULIA。
How would I play this part
The Grand Duke's Bride？
All rancour in my heart
I'd duly hide
I'd drive it from my recollection
And 'whelm you with a mock affection；
Well calculated to defy detection
That's how I'd play this part
The Grand Duke's Bride。
With many a winsome smile
I'd witch and woo；
With gay and girlish guile
I'd frenzy you
I'd madden you with my caressing；
Like turtle； her first love confessing
That it was 〃mock〃； no mortal would be
guessing；
With so much winsome wile
