sketches new and old-第47章

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and　the　balance　were　pretty　much　young　bucks　and　heifersthey　always
come　out　strong　on　panoramas；　you　know；　because　it　gives　them　a　chance　to
taste　one　another's　complexions　in　the　dark。

〃Well；　the　showman　began　to　swell　himself　up　for　his　lecture；　and　the　old
mud…Jobber　tackled　the　piano　and　ran　his　fingers　up　and　down　once　or
twice　to　see　that　she　was　all　right；　and　the　fellows　behind　the　curtain
commenced　to　grind　out　the　panorama。　　The　showman　balanced　his　weight　on
his　right　foot；　and　propped　his　hands　over　his　hips；　and　flung　his　eyes
over　his　shoulder　at　the　scenery；　and　said：

〃'Ladies　and　gentlemen；　the　painting　now　before　you　illustrates　the
beautiful　and　touching　parable　of　the　Prodigal　Son。　　Observe　the　happy
expression　just　breaking　over　the　features　of　the　poor；　suffering　youth
so　worn　and　weary　with　his　long　march；　note　also　the　ecstasy　beaming　from
the　uplifted　countenance　of　the　aged　father；　and　the　joy　that　sparkles　in
the　eyes　of　the　excited　group　of　youths　and　maidens；　and　seems　ready　to
burst　into　the　welcoming　chorus　from　their　lips。　　The　lesson；　my　friends；
is　as　solemn　and　instructive　as　the　story　is　tender　and　beautiful。'

〃The　mud…Jobber　was　all　ready；　and　when　the　second　speech　was　finished；
struck　up：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Oh；　we'll　all　get　blind　drunk
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　When　Johnny　comes　marching　home！

〃Some　of　the　people　giggled；　and　some　groaned　a　little。　　The　showman
couldn't　say　a　word；　he　looked　at　the　pianist　sharp；　but　he　was　all
lovely　and　serenehe　didn't　know　there　was　anything　out　of　gear。

〃The　panorama　moved　on；　and　the　showman　drummed　up　his　grit　and　started
in　fresh。

〃'Ladies　and　gentlemen；　the　fine　picture　now　unfolding　itself　to　your
gaze　exhibits　one　of　the　most　notable　events　in　Bible　historyour
Saviour　and　His　disciples　upon　the　Sea　of　Galilee。　　How　grand；　how　awe…
inspiring　are　the　reflections　which　the　subject　invokes！　　What　sublimity
of　faith　is　revealed　to　us　in　this　lesson　from　the　sacred　writings！　　The
Saviour　rebukes　the　angry　waves；　and　walks　securely　upon　the　bosom　of　the
deep！'

〃All　around　the　house　they　were　whispering；　'Oh；　how　lovely；　how
beautiful！'　and　the　orchestra　let　himself　out　again：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃A　life　on　the　ocean　wave；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　And　a　home　on　the　rolling　deep！

〃There　was　a　good　deal　of　honest　snickering　turned　on　this　time；　and
considerable　groaning；　and　one　or　two　old　deacons　got　up　and　went　out。
The　showman　grated　his　teeth；　and　cursed　the　piano　man　to　himself；　but
the　fellow　sat　there　like　a　knot　on　a　log；　and　seemed　to　think　he　was
doing　first…rate。

〃After　things　got　quiet　the　showman　thought　he　would　make　one　more
stagger　at　it；　anyway；　though　his　confidence　was　beginning　to　get　mighty
shaky。　　The　supes　started　the　panorama　grinding　along　again；　and　he　says：

〃'Ladies　and　gentlemen；　this　exquisite　painting　represents　the　raising　of
Lazarus　from　the　dead　by　our　Saviour。　　The　subject　has　been　handled　with
marvelous　skill　by　the　artist；　and　such　touching　sweetness　and　tenderness
of　expression　has　he　thrown　into　it　that　I　have　known　peculiarly
sensitive　persons　to　be　even　affected　to　tears　by　looking　at　it。　　Observe
the　half…confused；　half…inquiring　look　upon　the　countenance　of　the
awakened　Lazarus。　　Observe；　also；　the　attitude　and　expression　of　the
Saviour；　who　takes　him　gently　by　the　sleeve　of　his　shroud　with　one　hand；
while　He　points　with　the　other　toward　the　distant　city。'

〃Before　anybody　could　get　off　an　opinion　in　the　case　the　innocent　old　ass
at　the　piano　struck　up：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Come　rise　up；　William　Ri…i…ley；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　And　go　along　with　me！

〃Whe…ew！　　All　the　solemn　old　flats　got　up　in　a　huff　to　go；　and　everybody
else　laughed　till　the　windows　rattled。

〃The　showman　went　down　and　grabbed　the　orchestra　and　shook　him　up　and
says：

〃'That　lets　you　out；　you　know；　you　chowder…headed　old　clam。　　Go　to　the
doorkeeper　and　get　your　money；　and　cut　your　stickvamose　the　ranch！
Ladies　and　gentlemen；　circumstances　over　which　I　have　no　control　compel
me　prematurely　to　dismiss　the　house。'〃






CURING　A　COLD　＇Written　about　1864＇

It　is　a　good　thing；　perhaps；　to　write　for　the　amusement　of　the　public；
but　it　is　a　far　higher　and　nobler　thing　to　write　for　their　instruction；
their　profit；　their　actual　and　tangible　benefit。　　The　latter　is　the　sole
object　of　this　article。　　If　it　prove　the　means　of　restoring　to　health　one
solitary　sufferer　among　my　race；　of　lighting　up　once　more　the　fire　of
hope　and　joy　in　his　faded　eyes；　or　bringing　back　to　his　dead　heart　again
the　quick；　generous　impulses　of　other　days；　I　shall　be　amply　rewarded　for
my　labor；　my　soul　will　be　permeated　with　the　sacred　delight　a　Christian。
feels　when　he　has　done　a　good；　unselfish　deed。

Having　led　a　pure　and　blameless　life；　I　am　justified　in　believing　that　no
man　who　knows　me　will　reject　the　suggestions　I　am　about　to　make；　out　of
fear　that　I　am　trying　to　deceive　him。　　Let　the　public　do　itself　the　honor
to　read　my　experience　in　doctoring　a　cold；　as　herein　set　forth；　and　then
follow　in　my　footsteps。

When　the　White　House　was　burned　in　Virginia　City；　I　lost　my　home；　my
happiness；　my　constitution；　and　my　trunk。　　The　loss　of　the　two　first
named　articles　was　a　matter　of　no　great　consequence；　since　a　home　without
a　mother；　or　a　sister；　or　a　distant　young　female　relative　in　it；　to
remind　you；　by　putting　your　soiled　linen　out　of　sight　and　taking　your
boots　down　off　the　mantelpiece；　that　there　are　those　who　think　about　you
and　care　for　you；　is　easily　obtained。　　And　I　cared　nothing　for　the　loss
of　my　happiness；　because；　not　being　a　poet；　it　could　not　be　possible　that
melancholy　would　abide　with　me　long。　　But　to　lose　a　good　constitution　and
a　better　trunk　were　serious　misfortunes。　　On　the　day　of　the　fire　my
constitution　succumbed　to　a　severe　cold；　caused　by　undue　exertion　in
getting　ready　to　do　something。　　I　suffered　to　no　purpose；　too；　because
the　plan　I　was　figuring　at　for　the　extinguishing　of　the　fire　was　so
elaborate　that　I　never　got　it　completed　until　the　middle　of　the　following
week。

The　first　time　I　began　to　sneeze；　a　friend　told　me　to　go　and　bathe　my
feet　in　hot　water　and　go　to　bed。　　I　did　so。　　Shortly　afterward；　another
friend　advised　me　to　get　up　and　take　a　cold　shower…bath。　　I　did　that
also。　　Within　the　hour；　another　friend　assured　me　that　it　was　policy　to
〃feed　a　cold　and　starve　a　fever。〃　　I　had　both。　　So　I　thought　it　best　to
fill　myself　up　for　the　cold；　and　then　keep　dark　and　let　the　fever　starve
awhile。

In　a　case　of；　this　kind；　I　seldom　do　things　by　halves；　I　ate　pretty
heartily；　I　conferred　my　custom　upon　a　stranger　who　had　just　opened　his
restaurant　that　morning；　he　waited　near　me　in　respectful　silence　until　I
had　finished　feeding　my　cold；　when　he　inquired　if　the　people　about
Virginia　City　were　much　afflicted　with　colds？　　I　told　him　I　thought　they
were。　　He　then　went　out　and　took　in　his　sign。

I　started　down　toward　the　office；　and　on　the　way　encountered　another
bosom　friend；　who　told　me　that　a　quart　of　salt…water；　taken　warm；　would
come　as　near　curing　a　cold　as　anything　in　the　world。　　I　hardly　thought　I
had　room　for　it；　but　I　tried　it　anyhow。　　The　result　was　surprising。　　I
believed　I　had　thrown　up　my　immortal　soul。

Now；　as　I　am　giving　my　experience　only　for　the　benefit　of　those　who　are
troubled　with　the　distemper　I　am　writing　about；　I　feel　that　they　will　see
the　propriety　of　my　cautioning　them　against　following　such　portions　of　it
as　proved　inefficient　with　me；　and　acting　upon　this　conviction；　I　warn
them　against　warm　salt…water。　　It　may　be　a　good　enough　remedy；　but　I
think　it　is　too　severe。　　If　I　had　another　cold　in　the　head；　and　there
were　no　course　left　me　but　to　take　either　an　earthquake　or　a　quart　of
warm　saltwater；　I　would　take　my　chances　on　the　earthquake。

After　the　storm　which　had　been　raging　in　my　stomach　had　subsided；　and　no
more　good　Samaritans　happening　along；　I　went　on　borrowing　handkerchiefs
again　and　blowing　them　to　atoms；　as　had　been　my　custom　in　the　early
stages　of　my　cold；　until　I　came　across　a　lady　who　had　just　arrived　from
over　the　plains；　and　who　said　she　had　lived　in　a　part　of　the　country
where　doctors　were　scarce；　and　had　from　necessity　acquired　considerable
skill　in　the　treatment　of　simple　〃family　complaints。〃　　I　knew　she　must
have　had　much　experience；　for　she　appeared　to　be　a　hundred　and　fifty
years　old。

She　mixed　a　decoction　composed　of　molasses；　aquafortis；　turpentine；　and
various　other　drugs；　and　instructed　me　to　take　a　wine…glass　full　of　it
every　fifteen　minutes。　　I　never　took　but　one　dose；　that　was　enough；　it
robbed　me　of　all　moral　principle；　and　awoke　every　unworthy　impulse　of　my
nature。　　Under　its　malign　influence　my　brain　conceived　miracles　of
meanness；　but　my　hands　were　too　feeble　to　execute　them；　at　that　time；　had
it　not　been　that　my　strength　had　surrendered　to　a　succession　of　assaults
from　infallible　remedies　for　my　cold；　I　am　satisfied　that　I　would　have
tried　to　rob　the　graveyard。　　Like　most　other　people；　I　often　feel　mean；
and　act　accordingly；　but　until　I　took　that　medicine　I　had　never　reveled
in　such　supernatural　depravity；　and　felt　proud　of　it。　　At　the　end　of　two
days　I　was　ready　to　go　to　doctoring　again。　　I　took　a　few　more　unfailing
remedies；　and　finally　drove　my　cold　from　my　head　to　my　lungs。

I　got　to　coughing　incessantly；　and　my　voice　fell　below　zero；　I　conversed
in　a　thundering　bass；　two　octaves　below　my　natural　tone；　I　could　only
compass　my　regular　nightly　repose　by　coughing　myself　down　to　a　state　of
utter　exhaustion；　and　then　the　moment　I　began　to　talk　in　my　sleep；　my
discordant　voice　woke　me　up　again。

My　case　grew　more　and　more　serious　every　day。　　A　Plain　gin　was
recommended；　I　took　it。　　Then　gin　and　molasses；　I　took　that　also。　　Then
gin　and　onions；　I　added　the　onions；　and　took　all　three。　　I　detected　no
particular　result；　however；　except　that　I　had　acquired　a　breath　like　a
buzzard's。

I　found　I　had　to　travel　for　my　health。　　I　went　to　Lake　Bigler　with　my
reportorial　comrade；　Wilson。　　It　is　gratifying　to　me　to　reflect　that　we
traveled　in　considerable　style；　we　went　in　the　Pioneer　coach；　and　my
friend　took　all　his　baggage　with　him；　consisting　of　two　excellent　silk
handkerchiefs　and　a　daguerreotype　of　his　grandmother。　　We　sailed　and
hunted　and　fished　and　danced　all　day；　and　I　doctored　my　cough　all　night。
By　managing　in　this　way；　I　made　out　to　improve　every　hour　in　the　twenty…
four。　　But　my　disease　continued　to　grow　worse。

A　sheet…bath　was　recommended。　　I　had　never　refused　a　remedy　yet；　and　it
seemed　poor　policy　to　commence　then；　therefore　I　determined　to　take　a
sheet…bath；　notwithstanding　I　had　no　idea　what　sort　of　arrangement　it
was。　　It　was　administered　at　midnight；　and　the　weather　was　very　frosty。
My　breast　and　back　were　bared；　and　a　sheet　（there　appeared　to　be　a
thousand　yards　of　it）　soaked　in　ice…water；　was　wound　around　me　until　I
resembled　a　swab　for　a　Columbiad。

It　is　a　cruel　expedient。　　When　the　chilly　rag　touches　one's　warm　flesh；
it　makes　him　start　with　sudden　violence；　and　gasp　for　breath　just　as　men
do　in　the　death…agony。　　It　froze　the　marrow　in　my　bones　and　stopped　the
beating　of　my　heart。　　I　thought　my　time