sketches new and old-第2章

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of　the　just　and　the　unjust　alike；　and　compel　all　parties　to　say　they
never　saw　a　more　symmetrical　and　hypothetical　display　of　lightning…rods
since　they　were　born；　he　supposed　he　really　couldn't　get　along　without
four　hundred；　though　he　was　not　vindictive；　and　trusted　he　was　willing　to
try。　　I　said；　go　ahead　and　use　four　hundred；　and　make　any　kind　of　a　job
he　pleased　out　of　it；　but　let　me　get　back　to　my　work。　　So　I　got　rid　of
him　at　last；　and　now；　after　half　an　hour　spent　in　getting　my　train　of
political…economy　thoughts　coupled　together　again；　I　am　ready　to　go　on
once　more。＇

　　　　　richest　treasures　of　their　genius；　their　experience　of　life；　and
　　　　　their　learning。　　The　great　lights　of　commercial　jurisprudence；
　　　　　international　confraternity；　and　biological　deviation；　of　all　ages；
　　　　　all　civilizations；　and　all　nationalities；　from　Zoroaster　down　to
　　　　　Horace　Greeley；　have

＇Here　I　was　interrupted　again；　and　required　to　go　down　and　confer　further
with　that　lightning…rod　man。　　I　hurried　off；　boiling　and　surging　with
prodigious　thoughts　wombed　in　words　of　such　majesty　that　each　one　of　them
was　in　itself　a　straggling　procession　of　syllables　that　might　be　fifteen
minutes　passing　a　given　point；　and　once　more　I　confronted　himhe　so　calm
and　sweet；　I　so　hot　and　frenzied。　　He　was　standing　in　the　contemplative
attitude　of　the　Colossus　of　Rhodes；　with　one　foot　on　my　infant　tuberose；
and　the　other　among　my　pansies；　his　hands　on　his　hips；　his　hat…brim
tilted　forward；　one　eye　shut　and　the　other　gazing　critically　and
admiringly　in　the　direction　of　my　principal　chimney。　　He　said　now　there
was　a　state　of　things　to　make　a　man　glad　to　be　alive；　and　added；　〃I　leave
it　to　you　if　you　ever　saw　anything　more　deliriously　picturesque　than
eight　lightning…rods　on　one　chimney？〃　　I　said　I　had　no　present
recollection　of　anything　that　transcended　it。　　He　said　that　in　his
opinion　nothing　on　earth　but　Niagara　Falls　was　superior　to　it　in　the　way
of　natural　scenery。　　All　that　was　needed　now；　he　verily　believed；　to　make
my　house　a　perfect　balm　to　the　eye；　was　to　kind　of　touch　up　the　other
chimneys　a　little；　and　thus　〃add　to　the　generous　'coup　d'oeil'　a　soothing
uniformity　of　achievement　which　would　allay　the　excitement　naturally
consequent　upon　the　'coup　d'etat。'〃　　I　asked　him　if　he　learned　to　talk
out　of　a　book；　and　if　I　could　borrow　it　anywhere？　　He　smiled　pleasantly；
and　said　that　his　manner　of　speaking　was　not　taught　in　books；　and　that
nothing　but　familiarity　with　lightning　could　enable　a　man　to　handle　his
conversational　style　with　impunity。　　He　then　figured　up　an　estimate；　and
said　that　about　eight　more　rods　scattered　about　my　roof　would　about　fix
me　right；　and　he　guessed　five　hundred　feet　of　stuff　would　do　it；　and
added　that　the　first　eight　had　got　a　little　the　start　of　him；　so　to
speak；　and　used　up　a　mere　trifle　of　material　more　than　he　had　calculated
ona　hundred　feet　or　along　there。　　I　said　I　was　in　a　dreadful　hurry；
and　I　wished　we　could　get　this　business　permanently　mapped　out；　so　that　I
could　go　on　with　my　work。　　He　said；　〃I　could　have　put　up　those　eight
rods；　and　marched　off　about　my　businesssome　men　would　have　done　it。
But　no；　I　said　to　myself；　this　man　is　a　stranger　to　me；　and　I　will　die
before　I'll　wrong　him；　there　ain't　lightning…rods　enough　on　that　house；
and　for　one　I'll　never　stir　out　of　my　tracks　till　I've　done　as　I　would　be
done　by；　and　told　him　so。　　Stranger；　my　duty　is　accomplished；　if　the
recalcitrant　and　dephlogistic　messenger　of　heaven　strikes　your〃
〃There；　now；　there；〃　I　said；　〃put　on　the　other　eightadd　five　hundred
feet　of　spiral…twistdo　anything　and　everything　you　want　to　do；　but　calm
your　sufferings；　and　try　to　keep　your　feelings　where　you　can　reach　them
with　the　dictionary。　　Meanwhile；　if　we　understand　each　other　now；　I　will
go　to　work　again。〃

I　think　I　have　been　sitting　here　a　full　hour　this　time；　trying　to　get
back　to　where　I　was　when　my　train　of　thought　was　broken　up　by　the　last
interruption；　but　I　believe　I　have　accomplished　it　at　last；　and　may
venture　to　proceed　again。＇

　　　　　wrestled　with　this　great　subject；　and　the　greatest　among　them　have
　　　　　found　it　a　worthy　adversary；　and　one　that　always　comes　up　fresh　and
　　　　　smiling　after　every　throw。　　The　great　Confucius　said　that　he　would
　　　　　rather　be　a　profound　political　economist　than　chief　of　police。
　　　　　Cicero　frequently　said　that　political　economy　was　the　grandest
　　　　　consummation　that　the　human　mind　was　capable　of　consuming；　and　even
　　　　　our　own　Greeley　had　said　vaguely　but　forcibly　that　〃Political

＇Here　the　lightning…rod　man　sent　up　another　call　for　me。　　I　went　down　in
a　state　of　mind　bordering　on　impatience。　　He　said　he　would　rather　have
died　than　interrupt　me；　but　when　he　was　employed　to　do　a　job；　and　that
job　was　expected　to　be　done　in　a　clean；　workmanlike　manner；　and　when　it
was　finished　and　fatigue　urged　him　to　seek　the　rest　and　recreation　he
stood　so　much　in　need　of；　and　he　was　about　to　do　it；　but　looked　up　and
saw　at　a　glance　that　all　the　calculations　had　been　a　little　out；　and　if　a
thunder…storm　were　to　come　up；　and　that　house；　which　he　felt　a　personal
interest　in；　stood　there　with　nothing　on　earth　to　protect　it　but　sixteen
lightning…rods〃Let　us　have　peace！〃　I　shrieked。　　〃Put　up　a　hundred　and
fifty！　　Put　some　on　the　kitchen！　　Put　a　dozen　on　the　barn！　　Put　a　couple
on　the　cow！　　Put　one　on　the　cook！scatter　them　all　over　the　persecuted
place　till　it　looks　like　a　zinc…plated；　spiral…twisted；　silver…mounted
canebrake！　　Move！　　Use　up　all　the　material　you　can　get　your　hands　on；　and
when　you　run　out　of　lightning…rods　put　up　ramrods；　cam…rods；　stair…rods；
piston…rodsanything　that　will　pander　to　your　dismal　appetite　for
artificial　scenery；　and　bring　respite　to　my　raging　brain　and　healing　to
my　lacerated　soul！〃　　Wholly　unmovedfurther　than　to　smile　sweetlythis
iron　being　simply　turned　back　his　wrist…bands　daintily；　and　said　he　would
now　proceed　to　hump　himself。　　Well；　all　that　was　nearly　three　hours　ago。
It　is　questionable　whether　I　am　calm　enough　yet　to　write　on　the　noble
theme　of　political　economy；　but　I　cannot　resist　the　desire　to　try；　for　it
is　the　one　subject　that　is　nearest　to　my　heart　and　dearest　to　my　brain　of
all　this　world's　philosophy。＇

　　　　　〃economy　is　heaven's　best　boon　to　man。〃　　When　the　loose　but　gifted
　　　　　Byron　lay　in　his　Venetian　exile　he　observed　that；　if　it　could　be
　　　　　granted　him　to　go　back　and　live　his　misspent　life　over　again；　he
　　　　　would　give　his　lucid　and　unintoxicated　intervals　to　the　composition；
　　　　　not　of　frivolous　rhymes；　but　of　essays　upon　political　economy。
　　　　　Washington　loved　this　exquisite　science；　such　names　as　Baker；
　　　　　Beckwith；　Judson；　Smith；　are　imperishably　linked　with　it；　and　even
　　　　　imperial　Homer；　in　the　ninth　book　of　the　Iliad；　has　said：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Fiat　justitia；　ruat　coelum；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Post　mortem　unum；　ante　bellum；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Hic　facet　hoc；　ex…parte　res；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Politicum　e…conomico　est。

　　　　　The　grandeur　of　these　conceptions　of　the　old　poet；　together　with　the
　　　　　felicity　of　the　wording　which　clothes　them；　and　the　sublimity　of　the
　　　　　imagery　whereby　they　are　illustrated；　have　singled　out　that　stanza；
　　　　　and　made　it　more　celebrated　than　any　that　ever

＇〃Now；　not　a　word　out　of　younot　a　single　word。　　Just　state　your　bill
and　relapse　into　impenetrable　silence　for　ever　and　ever　on　these
premises。　　Nine　hundred；　dollars？　　Is　that　all？　　This　check　for　the
amount　will　be　honored　at　any　respectable　bank　in　America。　　What　is　that
multitude　of　people　gathered　in　the　street　for？　　How？'looking　at　the
lightning…rods！'　　Bless　my　life；　did　they　never　see　any　lightning…rods
before？　　Never　saw　'such　a　stack　of　them　on　one　establishment；'　did　I
understand　you　to　say？　　I　will　step　down　and　critically　observe　this
popular　ebullition　of　ignorance。〃＇

THREE　DAYS　LATER。We　are　all　about　worn　out。　　For　four…and…twenty　hours
our　bristling　premises　were　the　talk　and　wonder　of　the　town。　　The
theaters　languished；　for　their　happiest　scenic　inventions　were　tame　and
commonplace　compared　with　my　lightning…rods。　　Our　street　was　blocked
night　and　day　with　spectators；　and　among　them　were　many　who　came　from
the　country　to　see。　　It　was　a　blessed　relief　on　the　second　day　when　a
thunderstorm　came　up　and　the　lightning　began　to　〃go　for〃　my　house；　as　the
historian　Josephus　quaintly　phrases　it。　　It　cleared　the　galleries；　so　to
speak。　　In　five　minutes　there　was　not　a　spectator　within　half　a　mile　of
my　place；　but　all　the　high　houses　about　that　distance　away　were　full；
windows；　roof；　and　all。　　And　well　they　might　be；　for　all　the　falling
stars　and　Fourth…of…July　fireworks　of　a　generation；　put　together　and
rained　down　simultaneously　out　of　heaven　in　one　brilliant　shower　upon　one
helpless　roof；　would　not　have　any　advantage　of　the　pyrotechnic　display
that　was　making　my　house　so　magnificently　conspicuous　in　the　general
gloom　of　the　storm。

By　actual　count；　the　lightning　struck　at　my　establishment　seven
hundred　and　sixty…four　times　in　forty　minutes；　but　tripped　on　one　of
those　faithful　rods　every　time；　and　slid　down　the　spiral…twist　and　shot
into　the　earth　before　it　probably　had　time　to　be　surprised　at　the　way　the
thing　was　done。　And　through　all　that　bombardment　only　one　patch　of　slates
was　ripped　up；　and　that　was　because；　for　a　single　instant；　the　rods　in
the　vicinity　were　transporting　all　the　lightning　they　could　possibly
accommodate。　　Well；　nothing　was　ever　seen　like　it　since　the　world　began。
For　one　whole　day　and　night　not　a　member　of　my　family　stuck　his　head　out
of　the　window　but　he　got　the　hair　snatched　off　it　as　smooth　as　a
billiard…ball；　and；　if　the　reader　will　believe　me；　not　one　of　us　ever
dreamt　of　stirring　abroad。　　But　at　last　the　awful　siege　came　to　an
end…because　there　was　absolutely　no　more　electricity　left　in　the　clouds
above　us　within　grappling　distance　of　my　insatiable　rods。　　Then　I　sallied
forth；　and　gathered　daring　workmen　together；　and　not　a　bite　or　a　nap　did
we　take　till　the　premises　were　utterly　stripped　of　all　their　terrific
armament　except　just　three　rods　on　the　house；　one　on　the　kitchen；　and　one
on　the　barnand；　behold；　these　remain　there　even　unto　this　day。　　And
then；　and　not　till　then；　the　people　ventured　to　use　our　street　again。
I　will　remark　here；　in　passing；　that　during　that　fearful　time　I　did　not
continue　my　essay　upon　political　economy。　　I　am　not　even　yet　settled
enough　in　nerve　and　brain　to　resume　it。

TO　WHOM　IT　MAY　CONCERN。Parties　having　need　of　three　thousand　two
hundred　and　eleven　feet　of　best　quality　zinc…plated　spiral…twist
lightning…rod　stuff；　and　sixteen　hundred　and　thirty…one　silver…tipped
points；　all　in　tolerable　repair　（and；　although　much　worn　by　use；　still
equal　to　any　ordinary　emergency）；　can　hear　of　a　bargains　by　addressing
the　publisher。






THE　JUMPING　FROG　＇written　about　1865＇

IN　ENGLISH。　　THEN　IN　FRENCH。　　THEN　CLAWED　BACK　INTO　A　CIVILIZED　LANGUAGE
ONCE　MORE　BY　PATIENT；　UNREMUNERATED　TOIL。

Even　a　criminal　is　entitled　to　fair　play；　and　certainly　when　a　man　who
has　done　no　harm　has　been　unjustly　treated；　he　is　privileged　to　do　his
best　to　right　himself。　　My　attention　has　just　beep　called　to　an　article
s