sketches new and old-第15章

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talk　private　business　with　one　of　the　editors；　he　must　call　him　outside；
for　no　hint　milder　than　blasting…powder　or　nitroglycerin　would　be　likely
to　move　the　bores　out　of　listening…distance。　　To　have　to　sit　and　endure
the　presence　of　a　bore　day　after　day；　to　feel　your　cheerful　spirits　begin
to　sink　as　his　footstep　sounds　on　the　stair；　and　utterly　vanish　away　as
his　tiresome　form　enters　the　door；　to　suffer　through　his　anecdotes　and
die　slowly　to　his　reminiscences；　to　feel　always　the　fetters　of　his
clogging　presence；　to　long　hopelessly　for　one　single　day's　privacy；　to
note　with　a　shudder；　by　and　by；　that　to　contemplate　his　funeral　in　fancy
has　ceased　to　soothe；　to　imagine　him　undergoing　in　strict　and　fearful
detail　the　tortures　of　the　ancient　Inquisition　has　lost　its　power　to
satisfy　the　heart；　and　that　even　to　wish　him　millions　and　millions　and
millions　of　miles　in　Tophet　is　able　to　bring　only　a　fitful　gleam　of　joy；
to　have　to　endure　all　this；　day　after　day；　and　week　after　week；　and　month
after　month；　is　an　affliction　that　transcends　any　other　that　men　suffer。
Physical　pain　is　pastime　to　it；　and　hanging　a　pleasure　excursion。






JOHNNY　GREER

〃The　church　was　densely　crowded　that　lovely　summer　Sabbath；〃　said　the
Sunday…school　superintendent；　〃and　all；　as　their　eyes　rested　upon　the
small　coffin；　seemed　impressed　by　the　poor　black　boy's　fate。　　Above　the
stillness　the　pastor's　voice　rose；　and　chained　the　interest　of　every　ear
as　he　told；　with　many　an　envied　compliment；　how　that　the　brave；　noble；
daring　little　Johnny　Greer；　when　he　saw　the　drowned　body　sweeping　down
toward　the　deep　part　of　the　river　whence　the　agonized　parents　never　could
have　recovered　it　in　this　world；　gallantly　sprang　into　the　stream；　and；
at　the　risk　of　his　life；　towed　the　corpse　to　shore；　and　held　it　fast　till
help　came　and　secured　it。　　Johnny　Greer　was　sitting　just　in　front　of　me。
A　ragged　street…boy；　with　eager　eye；　turned　upon　him　instantly；　and　said
in　a　hoarse　whisper

〃'No；　but　did　you；　though？'

〃'Yes。'

〃'Towed　the　carkiss　ashore　and　saved　it　yo'self？'

〃'Yes。'

〃'Cracky！　　What　did　they　give　you？'

〃'Nothing。'

〃'W…h…a…t　＇with　intense　disgust＇！　　D'you　know　what　I'd　'a'　done？　　I'd　'a'
anchored　him　out　in　the　stream；　and　said；　Five　dollars；　gents；　or　you
carn't　have　yo'　nigger。'〃






THE　FACTS　IN　THE　CASE　OF　THE　GREAT　BEEF　CONTRACT　＇Written　about　1867。＇

In　as　few　words　as　possible　I　wish　to　lay　before　the　nation　what's　here；
howsoever　small；　I　have　had　in　this　matterthis　matter　which　has　so
exercised　the　public　mind；　engendered　so　much　ill…feeling；　and　so　filled
the　newspapers　of　both　continents　with　distorted　statements　and
extravagant　comments。

The　origin　of　this　distressful　thing　was　thisand　I　assert　here　that
every　fact　in　the　following　resume　can　be　amply　proved　by　the　official
records　of　the　General　Government。

John　Wilson　Mackenzie；　of　Rotterdam；　Chemung　County；　New　Jersey；
deceased；　contracted　with　the　General　Government；　on　or　about　the　10th
day　of　October；　1861；　to　furnish　to　General　Sherman　the　sum　total　of
thirty　barrels　of　beef。

Very　well。

He　started　after　Sherman　with　the　beef；　but　when　he　got　to　Washington
Sherman　had　gone　to　Manassas；　so　he　took　the　beef　and　followed　him　there；
but　arrived　too　late；　he　followed　him　to　Nashville；　and　from　Nashville　to
Chattanooga；　and　from　Chattanooga　to　Atlantabut　he　never　could　overtake
him。　　At　Atlanta　he　took　a　fresh　start　and　followed　him　clear　through　his
march　to　the　sea。　　He　arrived　too　late　again　by　a　few　days；　but　hearing
that　Sherman　was　going　out　in　the　Quaker　City　excursion　to　the　Holy　Land；
he　took　shipping　for　Beirut；　calculating　to　head　off　the　other　vessel。
When　he　arrived　in　Jerusalem　with　his　beef；　he　learned　that　Sherman　had
not　sailed　in　the　Quaker　City；　but　had　gone　to　the　Plains　to　fight　the
Indians。　　He　returned　to　America　and　started　for　the　Rocky　Mountains。
After　sixty…eight　days　of　arduous　travel　on　the　Plains；　and　when　he　had
got　within　four　miles　of　Sherman's　headquarters；　he　was　tomahawked　and
scalped；　and　the　Indians　got　the　beef。　　They　got　all　of　it　but　one
barrel。　　Sherman's　army　captured　that；　and　so；　even　in　death；　the　bold
navigator　partly　fulfilled　his　contract。　　In　his　will；　which　he　had　kept
like　a　journal；　he　bequeathed　the　contract　to　his　son　Bartholomew　W。
Bartholomew　W。　　made　out　the　following　bill；　and　then　died：

　　　　　THE　UNITED　STATES

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　In　account　with　JOHN　WILSON　MACKENZIE；　of　New　Jersey；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　deceased；　。　　。　　。　　。　　。　　。　　。　　。　　。　　。　　　　　　　　　　Dr。

　　　　　To　thirty　barrels　of　beef　for　General　Sherman；　at　100；　3；000
　　　　　To　traveling　expenses　and　transportation　。　　。　　。　　。　　。　　14；000

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Total　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　。　　17；000
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Rec'd　Pay't。


He　died　then；　but　he　left　the　contract　to　Wm。　J。　Martin；　who　tried　to
collect　it；　but　died　before　he　got　through。　　He　left　it　to　Barker　J。
Allen；　and　he　tried　to　collect　it　also。　　He　did　not　survive。　　Barker　J。
Allen　left　it　to　Anson　G。　Rogers；　who　attempted　to　collect　it；　and　got
along　as　far　as　the　Ninth　Auditor's　Office；　when　Death；　the　great
Leveler；　came　all　unsummoned；　and　foreclosed　on　him　also。　　He　left　the
bill　to　a　relative　of　his　in　Connecticut；　Vengeance　Hopkins　by　name；　who
lasted　four　weeks　and　two　days；　and　made　the　best　time　on　record；　coming
within　one　of　reaching　the　Twelfth　Auditor。　　In　his　will　he　gave　the
contract　bill　to　his　uncle；　by　the　name　of　O…be…joyful　Johnson。　　It　was
too　undermining　for　joyful。　　His　last　words　were：　〃Weep　not　for　meI　am
willing　to　go。〃　　And　so　he　was；　poor　soul。　　Seven　people　inherited　the
contract　after　that；　but　they　all　died。　　So　it　came　into　my　hands　at
last。　　It　fell　to　me　through　a　relative　by　the　name　of；　Hubbard
Bethlehem　Hubbard；　of　Indiana。　　He　had　had　a　grudge　against　me　for　a　long
time；　but　in　his　last　moments　he　sent　for　me；　and　forgave　me　everything；
and；　weeping；　gave　me　the　beef　contract。

This　ends　the　history　of　it　up　to　the　time　that　I　succeeded　to　the
property。　　I　will　now　endeavor　to　set　myself　straight　before　the　nation
in　everything　that　concerns　my　share　in　the　matter。　　I　took　this　beef
contract；　and　the　bill　for　mileage　and　transportation；　to　the　President
of　the　United　States。

He　said；　〃Well；　sir；　what　can　I　do　for　you？〃

I　said；　〃Sire；　on　or　about　the　l0th　day　of　October；　1861；　John　Wilson
Mackenzie；　of　Rotterdam；　Chemung　County；　New　Jersey；　deceased；　contracted
with　the　General　Government　to　furnish　to　General　Sherman　the　sum　total
of　thirty　barrels　of　beef〃

He　stopped　me　there；　and　dismissed　me　from　hi　presencekindly；　but
firmly。　　The　next　day　called　on　the　Secretary　of　State。

He　said；　〃Well；　sir？〃

I　said；　〃Your　Royal　Highness：　on　or　about　the　10th　day　of　October；　1861；
John　Wilson　Mackenzie　of　Rotterdam；　Chemung　County；　New　Jersey；　deceased；
contracted　with　the　General　Government　to　furnish　to　General　Sherman　the
sum　total　of　thirty　barrels　of　beef〃

〃That　will　do；　sirthat　will　do；　this　office　has　nothing　to　do　with
contracts　for　beef。〃

I　was　bowed　out。　　I　thought　the　matter　all　over　and　finally；　the
following　day；　I　visited　the　Secretary　of　the　Navy；　who　said；　〃Speak
quickly；　sir；　do　not　keep　me　waiting。〃

I　said；　〃Your　Royal　Highness；　on　or　about　the　10th　day　of　October；　1861；
John　Wilson　Mackenzie　of　Rotterdam；　Chemung　County；　New　Jersey；　deceased；
contracted　with　the　General　Government　to　General　Sherman　the　sum　total
of　thirty　barrels　of　beef〃

Well；　it　was　as　far　as　I　could　get。　　He　had　nothing　to　do　with　beef
contracts　for　General　Sherman　either。　　I　began　to　think　it　was　a　curious
kind　of　government。　　It　looked　somewhat　as　if　they　wanted　to　get　out　of
paying　for　that　beef。　　The　following　day　I　went　to　the　Secretary　of　the
Interior。

I　said；　〃Your　Imperial　Highness；　on　or　about　the　10th　day　of　October〃

〃That　is　sufficient；　sir。　　I　have　heard　of　you　before。　　Go；　take　your
infamous　beef　contract　out　of　this　establishment。　　The　Interior
Department　has　nothing　whatever　to　do　with　subsistence　for　the　army。〃

I　went　away。　　But　I　was　exasperated　now。　　I　said　I　would　haunt　them；
I　would　infest　every　department　of　this　iniquitous　government　till　that
contract　business　was　settled。　　I　would　collect　that　bill；　or　fall；　as
fell　my　predecessors；　trying。　　I　assailed　the　Postmaster…General；
I　besieged　the　Agricultural　Department；　I　waylaid　the　Speaker　of　the
House　of　Representatives。　　They　had　nothing　to　do　with　army　contracts　for
beef。　　I　moved　upon　the　Commissioner　of　the　Patent　Office。

I　said；　〃Your　August　Excellency；　on　or　about〃

〃Perdition！　have　you　got　here　with　your　incendiary　beef　contract；　at
last？　　We　have　nothing　to　do　with　beef　contracts　for　the　army；　my　dear
sir。〃

〃Oh；　that　is　all　very　wellbut　somebody　has　got　to　pay　for　that　beef。
It　has　got　to　be　paid　now；　too；　or　I'll　confiscate　this　old　Patent　Office
and　everything　in　it。〃

〃But；　my　dear　sir〃

〃It　don't　make　any　difference；　sir。　　The　Patent　Office　is　liable　for　that
beef；　I　reckon；　and；　liable　or　not　liable；　the　Patent　Office　has　got　to
pay　for　it。〃

Never　mind　the　details。　　It　ended　in　a　fight。　　The　Patent　Office　won。
But　I　found　out　something　to　my　advantage。　　I　was　told　that　the　Treasury
Department　was　the　proper　place　for　me　to　go　to。　　I　went　there。　　I　waited
two　hours　and　a　half；　and　then　I　was　admitted　to　the　First　Lord　of　the
Treasury。

I　said；　〃Most　noble；　grave；　and　reverend　Signor；　on　or　about　the　10th　day
of　October；　1861；　John　Wilson　Macken〃

〃That　is　sufficient；　sir。　　I　have　heard　of　you。　　Go　to　the　First　Auditor
of　the　Treasury。〃

I　did　so。　　He　sent　me　to　the　Second　Auditor。　　The　Second　Auditor　sent　me
to　the　Third；　and　the　Third　sent　me　to　the　First　Comptroller　of　the　Corn…
Beef　Division。　　This　began　to　look　like　business。　　He　examined　his　books
and　all　his　loose　papers；　but　found　no　minute　of　the　beef　contract。　　I
went　to　the　Second　Comptroller　of　the　Corn…Beef　Division。　　He　examined
his　books　and　his　loose　papers；　but　with　no　success。　　I　was　encouraged。
During　that　week　I　got　as　far　as　the　Sixth　Comptroller　in　that　division；
the　next　week　I　got　through　the　Claims　Department；　the　third　week　I　began
and　completed　the　Mislaid　Contracts　Department；　and　got　a　foothold　in　the
Dead　Reckoning　Department。　　I　finished　that　in　three　days。　　There　was
only　one　place　left　for　it　now。　　I　laid　siege　to　the　Commissioner　of　Odds
and　Ends。　　To　his　clerk；　ratherhe　was　not　there　himself。　　There　were
sixteen　beautiful　young　ladies　in　the　room；　writing　in　books；　and　there
were　seven　well…favored　young　clerks　showing　them　how。　　The　young　women
smiled　up　over　their　shoulders；　and　the　clerks　smiled　back　at　them；　and
all　went　merry　as　a　marriage　bell。　　Two　or　three　clerks　that　were　reading
the　newspapers　looked　at　me　rather　hard；　but　went　on　reading；　and　nobody
said　anything。　　However；　I　had　been　used　to　this　kind　of　alacrity　from
Fourth　Assistant　Junior　Clerks　all　through　my　eventful　career；　from　the
very　day　I　entered　the　first　office　of　the　Corn…Beef　Bureau　clear　till　I
passed　out　of　the　last　one　in　the　Dead　Reckoning　Division。　　I　had　got　so
accomplished　by　this　time　that　I　could　stand　on　one　foot　from　the　moment
I