my discovery of england-第2章

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t　to　say　that　my　outfit；　which　was　modelled　on　the　equipment　of　English　lecturers　in　America；　included　a　complete　suit　of　clothes；　a　dress　shirt　for　lecturing　in；　a　fountain　pen　and　a　silk　hat。　The　dress　shirt；　I　may　say　for　the　benefit　of　other　travellers；　proved　invaluable。　The　silk　hat；　however；　is　no　longer　used　in　England　except　perhaps　for　scrambling　eggs　in。

I　pass　over　the　details　of　my　pleasant　voyage　from　New　York　to　Liverpool。　During　the　last　fifty　years　so　many　travellers　have　made　the　voyage　across　the　Atlantic　that　it　is　now　impossible　to　obtain　any　impressions　from　the　ocean　of　the　slightest　commercial　value。　　My　readers　will　recall　the　fact　that　Washington　Irving；　as　far　back　as　a　century　ago；　chronicled　the　pleasure　that　one　felt　during　an　Atlantic　voyage　in　idle　day　dreams　while　lying　prone　upon　the　bowsprit　and　watching　the　dolphins　leaping　in　the　crystalline　foam。　　Since　his　time　so　many　gifted　writers　have　attempted　to　do　the　same　thing　that　on　the　large　Atlantic　liners　the　bowsprit　has　been　removed；　or　at　any　rate　a　notice　put　up：　〃Authors　are　requested　not　to　lie　prostrate　on　the　bowsprit。〃　But　even　without　this　advantage；　three　or　four　generations　of　writers　have　chronicled　with　great　minuteness　their　sensations　during　the　transit。　I　need　only　say　that　my　sensations　were　just　as　good　as　theirs。　I　will　content　myself　with　chronicling　the　fact　that　during　the　voyage　we　passed　two　dolphins；　one　whale　and　one　iceberg　（none　of　them　moving　very　fast　at　the　time）；　and　that　on　the　fourth　day　out　the　sea　was　so　rough　that　the　Captain　said　that　in　forty　years　he　had　never　seen　such　weather。　One　of　the　steerage　passengers；　we　were　told；　was　actually　washed　overboard：　I　think　it　was　over　board　that　he　was　washed；　but　it　may　have　been　on　board　the　ship　itself。

I　pass　over　also　the　incidents　of　my　landing　in　Liverpool；　except　perhaps　to　comment　upon　the　extraordinary　behaviour　of　the　English　customs　officials。　Without　wishing　in　any　way　to　disturb　international　relations；　one　cannot　help　noticing　the　rough　and　inquisitorial　methods　of　the　English　customs　men　as　compared　with　the　gentle　and　affectionate　ways　of　the　American　officials　at　New　York。　The　two　trunks　that　I　brought　with　me　were　dragged　brutally　into　an　open　shed；　the　strap　of　one　of　them　was　rudely　unbuckled；　while　the　lid　of　the　other　was　actually　lifted　at　least　four　inches。　The　trunks　were　then　roughly　scrawled　with　chalk；　the　lids　slammed　to；　and　that　was　all。　Not　one　of　the　officials　seemed　to　care　to　look　at　my　things　or　to　have　the　politeness　to　pretend　to　want　to。　I　had　arranged　my　dress　suit　and　my　pyjamas　so　as　to　make　as　effective　a　display　as　possible：　a　New　York　customs　officer　would　have　been　delighted　with　it。　Here　they　simply　passed　it　over。　〃Do　open　this　trunk；〃　I　asked　one　of　the　officials；　〃and　see　my　pyjamas。〃　〃I　don't　think　it　is　necessary；　sir；〃　the　man　answered。　There　was　a　coldness　about　it　that　cut　me　to　the　quick。

But　bad　as　is　the　conduct　of　the　English　customs　men；　the　immigration　officials　are　even　worse。　I　could　not　help　being　struck　by　the　dreadful　carelessness　with　which　people　are　admitted　into　England。　There　are；　it　is　true；　a　group　of　officials　said　to　be　in　charge　of　immigration；　but　they　know　nothing　of　the　discriminating　care　exercised　on　the　other　side　of　the　Atlantic。

〃Do　you　want　to　know；〃　I　asked　one　of　them；　〃whether　I　am　a　polygamist？〃

〃No；　sir；〃　he　said　very　quietly。

〃Would　you　like　me　to　tell　you　whether　I　am　fundamentally　opposed　to　any　and　every　system　of　government？〃

The　man　seemed　mystified。　〃No；　sir；〃　he　said。　〃I　don't　know　that　I　would。〃

〃Don't　you　care？〃　I　asked。

〃Well；　not　particularly；　sir；〃　he　answered。

I　was　determined　to　arouse　him　from　his　lethargy。

〃Let　me　tell　you；　then；〃　I　said；　〃that　I　am　an　anarchistic　polygamist；　that　I　am　opposed　to　all　forms　of　government；　that　I　object　to　any　kind　of　revealed　religion；　that　I　regard　the　state　and　property　and　marriage　as　the　mere　tyranny　of　the　bourgeoisie；　and　that　I　want　to　see　class　hatred　carried　to　the　point　where　it　forces　every　one　into　brotherly　love。　Now；　do　I　get　in　？〃

The　official　looked　puzzled　for　a　minute。　〃You　are　not　Irish；　are　you；　sir？〃　he　said。

〃No。〃

〃Then　I　think　you　can　come　in　all　right。〃　he　answered。

The　journey　from　Liverpool　to　London；　like　all　other　English　journeys；　is　short。　This　is　due　to　the　fact　that　England　is　a　small　country：　it　contains　only　50；000　square　miles；　whereas　the　United　States；　as　every　one　knows；　contains　three　and　a　half　billion。　I　mentioned　this　fact　to　an　English　fellow　passenger　on　the　train；　together　with　a　provisional　estimate　of　the　American　corn　crop　for　1922：　but　he　only　drew　his　rug　about　his　knees；　took　a　sip　of　brandy　from　his　travelling　flask；　and　sank　into　a　state　resembling　death。　I　contented　myself　with　jotting　down　an　impression　of　incivility　and　paid　no　further　attention　to　my　fellow　traveller　other　than　to　read　the　labels　on　his　lug　gage　and　to　peruse　the　headings　of　his　newspaper　by　peeping　over　his　shoulder。

It　was　my　first　experience　of　travelling　with　a　fellow　passenger　in　a　compartment　of　an　English　train；　and　I　admit　now　that　I　was　as　yet　ignorant　of　the　proper　method　of　conduct。　Later　on　I　became　fully　conversant　with　the　rule　of　travel　as　understood　in　England。　　I　should　have　known；　of　course；　that　I　must　on　no　account　speak　to　the　man。　But　I　should　have　let　down　the　window　a　little　bit　in　such　a　way　as　to　make　a　strong　draught　on　his　ear。　　Had　this　failed　to　break　down　his　reserve　I　should　have　placed　a　heavy　valise　in　the　rack　over　his　head　so　balanced　that　it　might　fall　on　him　at　any　moment。　Failing　this　again；　I　could　have　blown　rings　of　smoke　at　him　or　stepped　on　his　feet　under　the　pretence　of　looking　out　of　the　window。　Under　the　English　rule　as　long　as　he　bears　this　in　silence　you　are　not　supposed　to　know　him。　In　fact；　he　is　not　supposed　to　be　there。　You　and　he　each　presume　the　other　to　be　a　mere　piece　of　empty　space。　But　let　him　once　be　driven　to　say；　〃Oh；　I　beg　your　pardon；　I　wonder　if　you　would　mind　my　closing　the　window；〃　and　he　is　lost。　After　that　you　are　entitled　to　tell　him　anything　about　the　corn　crop　that　you　care　to。

But　in　the　present　case　I　knew　nothing　of　this；　and　after　three　hours　of　charming　silence　I　found　myself　in　London。



II。　I　Am　Interviewed　by　the　Press

IMMEDIATELY　upon　my　arrival　in　London　I　was　interviewed　by　the　Press。　I　was　interviewed　in　all　twenty　times。　I　am　not　saying　this　in　any　spirit　of　elation　or　boastfulness。　I　am　simply　stating　it　as　a　factinterviewed　twenty　times；　sixteen　times　by　men　and　twice　by　women。　But　as　I　feel　that　the　results　of　these　interviews　were　not　all　that　I　could　have　wished；　I　think　it　well　to　make　some　public　explanation　of　what　happened。

The　truth　is　that　we　do　this　thing　so　differently　over　in　America　that　I　was　for　the　time　being　completely　thrown　off　my　bearings。　The　questions　that　I　had　every　right　to　expect　after　many　years　of　American　and　Canadian　interviews　failed　to　appear。

I　pass　over　the　fact　that　being　interviewed　for　five　hours　is　a　fatiguing　process。　I　lay　no　claim　to　exemption　for　that。　But　to　that　no　doubt　was　due　the　singular　discrepancies　as　to　my　physical　appearance　which　I　detected　in　the　London　papers。

The　young　man　who　interviewed　me　immediately　after　breakfast　described　me　as　〃a　brisk；　energetic　man；　still　on　the　right　side　of　forty；　with　energy　in　every　movement。〃

The　lady　who　wrote　me　up　at　11。30　reported　that　my　hair　was　turning　grey；　and　that　there　was　〃a　peculiar　languor〃　in　my　manner。

And　at　the　end　the　boy　who　took　me　over　at　a　quarter　to　two　said；　〃The　old　gentleman　sank　wearily　upon　a　chair　in　the　hotel　lounge。　His　hair　is　almost　white。〃

The　trouble　is　that　I　had　not　understood　that　London　reporters　are　supposed　to　look　at　a　man's　personal　appearance。　In　America　we　never　bother　with　that。　We　simply　describe　him　as　a　〃dynamo。〃　For　some　reason　or　other　it　always　pleases　everybody　to　be　called　a　〃dynamo；〃　and　the　readers；　at　least　with　us；　like　to　read　about　people　who　are　〃dynamos；〃　and　hardly　care　for　anything　else。

In　the　case　of　very　old　men　we　sometimes　call　them　〃battle…horses〃　or　〃extinct　volcanoes；〃　but　beyond　these　three　classes　we　hardly　venture　on　description。　So　I　was　misled。　I　had　expected　that　the　reporter　would　say：　〃As　soon　as　Mr。　Leacock　came　across　the　floor　we　felt　we　were　in　the　presence　of　a　'dynamo'　（or　an　'extinct　battle…horse'　as　the　case　may　be）。〃　Otherwise　I　would　have　kept　up　those　energetic　movements　all　the　morning。　But　they　fatigue　me；　and　I　did　not　think　them　necessary。　But　I　let　that　pass。

The　more　serious　trouble　was　the　questions　put　to　me　by　the　reporters。　Over　in　our　chief　centres　of　population　we　use　another　set　altogether。　I　am　thinking　here　especially　of　the　kind　of　interview　that　I　have　given　out　in　Youngstown；　Ohio；　and　Richmond；　Indiana；　and　Peterborough；　Ontario。　In　all　these　placesfor　example；　in　Youngstown；　Ohiothe　reporter　asks　as　his　first　question；　〃What　is　your　impression　of　Youngstown？〃

In　London　they　don't。　They　seem　indifferent　to　the　fate　of　their　city。　Perhaps　it　is　only　English　pride。　For　all　I　know　they　may　have　been　burning　to　know　this；　just　as　the　Youngstown；　Ohio；　people　are；　and　were　too　proud　to　ask。　In　any　case　I　will　insert　here　the　answer　I　had　written　out　in　my　pocket…book　（one　copy　for　each　paperthe　way　we　do　it　in　Youngstown）；　and　which　read：

〃London　strikes　me　as　emphatically　a　city　with　a　future。　Standing　as　she　does　in　the　heart　of　a　rich　agricultural　district　with　railroad　connection　in　all　directions；　and　resting；　as　she　must；　on　a　bed　of　coal　and　oil；　I　prophesy　that　she　will　one　day　be　a　great　city。〃

The　advantage　of　this　is　that　it　enables　the　reporter　to　get　just　the　right　kind　of　heading：　PROPHESIES　BRIGHT　FUTURE　FOR　LONDON。　　Had　that　been　used　my　name　would　have　stood　higher　there　than　it　does　to…dayunless　the　London　people　are　very　different　from　the　people　in　Youngstown；　which　I　doubt。　As　it　is　they　don't　know　whether　their　future　is　bright　or　is　as　dark　as　mud。　But　it's　not　my　fault。　The　reporters　never　asked　me。

If　the　first　question　had　been　handled　properly　it　would　have　led　up　by　an　easy　and　pleasant　transition　to　question　two；　which　always　runs：　〃Have　you　seen　our　factories？〃　To　which　the　answer　is：

〃I　have。　I　was　taken　out　early　this　morning　by　a　group　of　your　citizens　（whom　I　cannot　thank　enough）　in　a　Ford　car　to　look　at　your　pail　and　bucket　works。　At　eleven…thirty　I　was　taken　out　by　a　second　group　in　what　was　apparently　the　same　car　to　see　your　soap　works。　I　understand　that　you　are　the　second　nail…making　centre　east　of　the　Alleghenies；　and　I　am　amazed　and　appalled。　This　afternoon　I　am　to　be　taken　out　to　see　your　wonderful　system　of　disposing　of　sewerage；　a　thing　which　has　fascinated　me　from　childhood。〃

Now　I　am　not　offering　any　criticism　of　the　London　system　of　interviewing；　but　one　sees　at　once　how　easy　and　friendly　for　all　concerned　this　Youngstown　method　is；　how　much　better　it　works　than　the　London　method　of　asking　questions　about　literature　and　art　and　difficult　things　of　that　sort。　I　am　sure　that　there　must　be　soap　works　and　perhaps　a　pail　factory　somewhere　in　London。　　But　during　my　entire　time　of　residence　there　no　one　ev