treatises on friendship and old age-第7章

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upon　as　their　parents。　　Much　more　ought　this　to　be　so　in　the　case　of
real　and　undoubted　parents。　　For　the　advantages　of　genius　and
virtue；　and　in　short；of　every　kind　of　superiority；　are　never
realized　to　their　fullest　　extent　until　they　are　bestowed　upon　our
nearest　and　dearest。

20。　But　the　converse　must　also　be　observed。　　For　in　friendship　and
relationship；　just　as　those　who　possess　any　superiority　must　put
themselves　on　an　equal　footing　with　those　who　are　less　fortunate；
so　these　latter　must　not　be　annoyed　at　being　surpassed　in　genius；
fortune；　or　rank。　But　most　people　of　that　sort　are　forever　either
grumbling　at　something；　or　harping　on　their　claims；　and　especially
if　they　consider　that　they　have　services　of　their　own　to　allege
involving　zeal　and　friendship　and　some　trouble　to　themselves。
People　who　are　always　bringing　up　their　services　are　a　nuisance。
The　recipient　ought　to　remember　them；　the　performer　should　never
mention　them。　　In　the　case　of　friends；　then；　as　the　superior　are
bound　to　descend；　so　are　they　bound　in　a　certain　sense　to　raise
those　below　them。　　For　there　are　people　who　make　their　friendship
disagreeable　by　imagining　themselves　undervalued。　　This　generally
happens　only　to　those　who　think　that　they　deserve　to　be　so；　and
they　ought　to　be　shewn　by　deeds　as　well　as　by　words　the
groundlessness　of　their　opinion。　Now　the　measure　of　your　benefits
should　he　in　the　first　place　your　own　power　to　bestow；　and　in　the
second　place　the　capacity　to　bear　them　on　the　part　of　him　on　whom
you　are　bestowing　affection　and　help。　For；　however　great　your
personal　prestige　may　be；　you　cannot　raise　all　your　friends　to　the
highest　offices　of　the　State。　For　instance；　Scipio　was　able　to　make
Publius　Rupilius　consul；　but　not　his　brother　Lucius。　　But　granting
that　you　can　give　anyone　anything　you　choose；　you　must　have　a
care　that　it　does　not　prove　to　be　beyond　his　powers。　As　a　general
rule；　we　must　wait　to　make　up　our　mind　about　friendships　till
men's　characters　and　years　have　arrived　at　their　full　strength　and
development。　People　must　not；　for　instance；　regard　as　fast　friends
all　whom　in　their　youthful　enthusiasm　for　hunting　or　football　they
liked　for　having　the　same　tastes。　　By　that　rule；　if　it　were　a　mere
question　of　time；　no　one　would　have　such　claims　on　our　affections
as　nurses　and　slave…tutors。　　Not　that　they　are　to　be　neglected；　but
they　stand　on　a　different　ground。　　It　is　only　these　mature
friendships　that　can　be　permanent。　　For　difference　of　character
leads　to　difference　of　aims；　and　the　result　of　such　diversity　is　to
estrange　friends。　　The　sole　reason；　for　instance；　which　prevents
good　men　from　making　friends　with　bad；　or　bad　with　good；　is　that
the　divergence　of　their　characters　and　aims　is　the　greatest　possible。

Another　good　rule　in　friendship　is　this：　do　not　let　an　excessive
affection　hinder　the　highest　interests　of　your　friends。　　This　very
often　happens。　　I　will　go　again　to　the　region　of　fable　for　an
instance。　　Neoptolemus　could　never　have　taken　Troy　if　he　had
been　willing　to　listen　to　Lycomedes；　who　had　brought　him　up；　and
with　many　tears　tried　to　prevent　his　going　there。　　Again；　it　often
happens　that　important　business　makes　it　necessary　to　part　from
friends：　the　man　who　tries　to　baulk　it；　because　he　thinks　that　he
cannot　endure　the　separation；　is　of　a　weak　and　effeminate　nature；
and　on　that　very　account　makes　but　a　poor　friend。　　There　are；　of
course；　limits　to　what　you　ought　to　expect　from　a　friend　and　to
what　you　should　allow　him　to　demand　of　you。　And　these　you　must
take　into　calculation　in　every　case。

21。　Again；　there　is　such　a　disaster；　so　to　speak；　as　having　to　break
off　friendship。　　And　sometimes　it　is　one　we　cannot　avoid。　For　at
this　point　the　stream　of　our　discourse　is　leaving　the　intimacies　of
the　wise　and　touching　on　the　friendship　of　ordinary　people。　It　will
happen　at　times　that　an　outbreak　of　vicious　conduct　affects　either　a
man's　friends　themselves　or　strangers；　yet　the　discredit　falls　on　the
friends。　In　such　cases　friendships　should　be　allowed　to　die　out
gradually　by　an　intermission　of　intercourse。　　They　should；　as　I　have
been　told　that　Cato　used　to　say；　rather　be　unstitched　than　toni　in
twain；　unless；　indeed；　the　injurious　conduct　be　of　so　violent　and
outrageous　a　nature　as　to　make　an　instant　breach　and　separation
the　only　possible　course　consistent　with　honour　and　rectitude。　
Again；　if　a　change　in　character　and　aim　takes　place；　as　often
happens；　or　if　party　politics　produces　an　alienation　of　feeling　（I　am
now　speaking；　as　I　said　a　short　time　ago；　of　ordinary　friendships；
not　of　those　of　the　wise）；　we　shall　have　to　be　on　our　guard　against
appearing　to　embark　upon　active　enmity　while　we　only　mean　to
resign　a　friendship。　　For　there　can　be　nothing　more　discreditable
than　to　be　at　open　war　with　a　man　with　whom　you　have　been
intimate。　　Scipio；　as　you　are　aware；　had　abandoned　his　friendship
for　Quintus　Pompeius　on　my　account；　and　again；　from　differences
of　opinion　in　politics；　he　became　estranged　from　my　colleague
Metellus。　In　both　cases　he　acted　with　dignity　and　moderation；
shewing　that　he　was　offended　indeed；　but　without　Tancour。

Our　first　object；　then；　should　be　to　prevent　a　breach；　our　second；　to
secure　that；　if　it　does　occur；　our　friendship　should　seem　to　have
died　a　natural　rather　than　a　violent　death。　　Next；　we　should　take
care　that　friendship　is　not　converted　into　active　hostility；　from
which　flow　personal　quarrels；　　abusive　　language；　　and　　angry　
recriminations。　These　last；　however；　provided　that　they　do　not　pass
all　reasonable　limits　of　forbearance；　we　ought　to　put　up　with；　and；
in　compliment　to　an　old　friendship；　allow　the　party　that　inflicts　the
injury；　not　the　one　that　submits　to　it；　to　be　in　the　wrong。　Generally
speaking；　there　is　but　one　way　of　securing　and　providing　oneself
against　faults　and　inconveniences　of　this　sort…not　to　be　too　hasty　in
bestowing　our　affection；　and　not　to　bestow　it　at　all　on　unworthy
objects。

Now；　by　〃worthy　of　friendship〃　I　mean　those　who　have　in
themselves　the　qualities　which　attract　affection。　This　sort　of　man　is
rare；　and　indeed　all　excellent　things　are　rare；　and　nothing　in　the
world　is　so　hard　to　find　as　a　thing　entirely　and　completely　perfect
of　its　kind。　But　most　people　not　only　recognize　nothing　as　good　in
our　life　unless　it　is　profitable；　but　look　upon　friends　as　so　much
stock；　caring　most　for　those　by　whom　they　hope　to　make　most
profit。　Accordingly　they　never　possess　that　most　beautiful　and
most　spontaneous　friendship　which　must　be　sought　solely　for　itself
without　any　ulterior　object。　They　fail　also　to　learn　from　their　own
feelings　the　nature　and　the　strength　of　friendship。　　For　every　one
loves　himself；　not　for　any　reward　which　such　love　may　bring；　but
because　he　is　dear　to　himself　independently　of　anything　else。　　But
unless　this　feeling　is　transferred　to　another；　what　a　real　friend　is
will　never　be　revealed；　for　he　is；　as　it　were；　a　second　self。　　But　if
we　find　these　two　instincts　shewing　themselves　in　animals；…
whether　of　the　air　or　the　sea　or　the　land；　whether　wild　or
tame；…first；　a　love　of　self；　which　in　fact　is　born　in　everything　that
lives　alike；　and；　secondly；　an　eagerness　to　fiud　and　attach
themselves　to　other　creatures　of　their　own　kind；　and　if　this　natural
action　is　accompanied　by　desire　and　by　something　resembling
human　love；　how　much　more　must　this　be　the　case　in　man　by　the
law　of　his　nature？　　For　man　not　only　loves　himself；　but　seeks
another　whose　spirit　he　may　so　blend　with　his　own　as　almost　to
make　one　being　of　two。

22。　But　most　people　unreasonably；　not　to　speak　of　modesty；　want
such　a　friend　as　they　are　unable　to　be　themselves；　and　expect　from
their　friends　what　they　do　not　themselves　give。　The　fair　course　is
first　to　be　good　yourself；　and　then　to　look　out　for　another　of　like
character。　It　is　between　such　that　the　stability　in　friendship　of
which　we　have　been　talking　can　be　secured；　when；　that　is　to　say；
men　who　are　united　by　affection　learn；　first　of　all；　to　rule　those
passions　which　enslave　others；　and　in　the　next　place　to　take　delight
in　fair　and　equitable　conduct；　to　bear　each　other's　burdens；　never　to
ask　each　other　for　anything　inconsistent　with　virtue　and　rectitude；
and　not　only　to　serve　and　love　but　also　to　respect　each　other。　I　say
〃respect〃；　for　if　respect　is　gone；　friendship　has　lost　its　brightest
jewel。　　And　this　shows　the　mistake　of　those　who　imagine　that
friendship　gives　a　privilege　to　licentiousness　and　sin。　　Nature　has
given　us　friendship　as　the　handmaid　of　virtue；　not　as　a　partner　in
guilt：　to　the　end　that　virtue；　being　powerless　when　isolated　to　reach
the　highest　objects；　might　succeed　in　doing　so　in　union　and
partnership　with　another。　Those　who　enjoy　in　the　present；　or　have
enjoyed　in　the　past；　or　are　destined　to　enjoy　in　the　future　such　a
partnership　as　this；　must　be　considered　to　have　secured　the　most
excellent　and　auspicious　combination　for
ON　FRIENDSHIP

reaching　nature's　highest　good。　　This　is　the　partnership；　I　say；
which　combines　moral　rectitude；　fame；　peace　of　mind；　serenity：　all
that　men　think　desirable　because　with　them　life　is　happy；　but
without　them　cannot　be　so。　　This　being　our　best　and　highest　object；
we　must；　if　we　desire　to　attain　it；　devote　ourselves　to　virtue；　for
without　virtue　we　can　obtain　neither　friendship　nor　anything　else
desirable。　　In　fact；　if　virtue　be　neglected；　those　who　imagine
themselves　to　possess　friends　will　find　out　their　error　as　soon　as
some　grave　disaster　forces　them　to　make　trial　of　them。　Wherefore；
I　must　again　and　again　repeat；　you　must　satisfy　your　judgment
before　engaging　your　affections：　not　love　first　and　judge
afterwards。　We　suffer　from　carelessness　in　many　of　our
undertakings：　in　none　more　than　in　selecting　and　cultivating　our
friends。　　We　put　the　cart　before　the　horse；　and　shut　the　stable　door
when　the　steed　is　stolen；　in　defiance　of　the　old　proverb。　　For；
having　mutually　involved　ourselves　in　a　long…standing　intimacy　or
by　actual　obligations；　all　on　a　sudden　some　cause　of　offence　arises
and　we　break　off　our　friendships　in　full　career。

23。

It　is　this　that　makes　such　carelessness　in　a　matter　of　supreme
importance　all　the　more　worthy　of　blame。　　I　say　〃supreme
importance；〃　because　friendship　is　the　one　thing　about　the　utility
of　which　everybody　with　one　accord　is　agreed。　That　is　not　the　case
in　regard　even　to　virtue　itself；　for　many　people　speak　slightingly　of
virtue　as　though　it　were　mere　puffing　and　self…glorification。　Nor　is
it　the　case　with　riches。　Many　look　down　on　riches；　being　content
with　a　little　and　taking　pleasure　in　poor　fare　and　dress；　And　as　to
the　political　offices　for　which　some　have　a　burning　desire
…how　many　entertain　such　a　contempt　for　them　as　to　think　nothing
in　the　world　more　empty　and　trivial！

And　so　on　with　the　rest；　things　desirable　in　the　eyes　of　some　are
regarded　by　very　many　as　worthless。　　But　of　friendship　all　think
alike　to　a　man；　whether　those　have　devoted　themselves　to　politics；
or　those　who　delight　in　science　　and　　philosophy；　　or　those　　who　
follow　a　private　way　of　life　and　care　for　nothing　but　their　own
business；　or　those　lastly　who　have　given　themselves　body　and　soul
to　sensuality…