the angel and the author-第22章

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friend；　〃it　is　the　system　that　I　am　defending。　　A　young　girl　is　no　
judge　of　character。　　She　is　easily　deceived；　is　wishful　to　be　
deceived。　　As　I　have　said；　she　does　not　even　know　herself。　　She　
imagines　the　mood　of　the　moment　will　remain　with　her。　　Only　those　who　
have　watched　over　her　with　loving　insight　from　her　infancy　know　her　
real　temperament。

〃The　young　man　is　blinded　by　his　passion。　　Nature　knows　nothing　of　
marriage；　of　companionship。　　She　has　only　one　aim。　　That　
accomplished；　she　is　indifferent　to　the　future　of　those　she　has　
joined　together。　　I　would　have　parents　think　only　of　their　children's　
happiness；　giving　to　worldly　considerations　their　true　value；　but　
nothing　beyond；　choosing　for　their　children　with　loving　care；　with　
sense　of　their　great　responsibility。〃

＇Which　is　it？＇

〃I　fear　our　young　people　would　not　be　contented　with　our　choosing；〃　I　
suggested。

〃Are　they　so　contented　with　their　own；　the　honeymoon　over？〃　she　
responded　with　a　smile。

We　agreed　it　was　a　difficult　problem　viewed　from　any　point。

But　I　still　think　it　would　be　better　were　we　to　heap　less　ridicule　
upon　the　institution。　　Matrimony　cannot　be　〃holy〃　and　ridiculous　at　
the　same　time。　　We　have　been　familiar　with　it　long　enough　to　make　up　
our　minds　in　which　light　to　regard　it。



CHAPTER　XIX



＇Man　and　his　Tailor。＇

What's　wrong　with　the　〃Made…up　Tie〃？　　I　gather　from　the　fashionable　
novelist　that　no　man　can　wear　a　made…up　tie　and　be　a　gentleman。　　He　
may　be　a　worthy　man；　clever；　well…to…do；　eligible　from　every　other　
point　of　view；　but　She；　the　refined　heroine；　can　never　get　over　the　
fact　that　he　wears　a　made…up　tie。　　It　causes　a　shudder　down　her　high…
bred　spine　whenever　she　thinks　of　it。　　There　is　nothing　else　to　be　
said　against　him。　　There　is　nothing　worse　about　him　than　thishe　
wears　a　made…up　tie。　　It　is　all　sufficient。　　No　true　woman　could　ever　
care　for　him；　no　really　classy　society　ever　open　its　doors　to　him。

I　am　worried　about　this　thing　because；　to　confess　the　horrid　truth；　I　
wear　a　made…up　tie　myself。　　On　foggy　afternoons　I　steal　out　of　the　
house　disguised。　　They　ask　me　where　I　am　going　in　a　hat　that　comes　
down　over　my　ears；　and　why　I　am　wearing　blue　spectacles　and　a　false　
beard；　but　I　will　not　tell　them。　　I　creep　along　the　wall　till　I　find　
a　common　hosier's　shop；　and　then；　in　an　assumed　voice；　I　tell　the　man　
what　it　is　I　want。　　They　come　to　fourpence　halfpenny　each；　by　taking　
the　half…dozen　I　get　them　for　a　trifle　less。　　They　are　put　on　in　a　
moment；　and；　to　my　vulgar　eye；　look　neat　and　tasteful。

Of　course；　I　know　I　am　not　a　gentleman。　　I　have　given　up　hopes　of　
ever　being　one。　　Years　ago；　when　life　presented　possibilities；　I　
thought　that　with　pains　and　intelligence　I　might　become　one。　　I　never　
succeeded。　　It　all　depends　on　being　able　to　tie　a　bow。　　Round　the　
bed…post；　or　the　neck　of　the　water…jug；　I　could　tie　the　wretched　
thing　to　perfection。　　If　only　the　bed…post　or　the　water…jug　could　
have　taken　my　place　and　gone　to　the　party　instead　of　me；　life　would　
have　been　simpler。　　The　bed…post　and　the　water…jug；　in　its　neat　white　
bow；　looked　like　a　gentlemanthe　fashionable　novelist's　idea　of　a　
gentleman。　　Upon　myself　the　result　was　otherwise；　suggesting　always　a　
feeble　attempt　at　suicide　by　strangulation。　　I　could　never　understand　
how　it　was　done。　　There　were　moments　when　it　flashed　across　me　that　
the　secret　lay　in　being　able　to　turn　one's　self　inside　out；　coming　up　
with　one's　arms　and　legs　the　other　way　round。　　Standing　on　one's　head　
might　have　surmounted　the　difficulty；　but　the　higher　gymnastics　
Nature　has　denied　to　me。　　〃The　Boneless　Wonder〃　or　the　〃Man　Serpent〃　
could；　I　felt；　be　a　gentleman　so　easily。　　To　one　to　whom　has　been　
given　only　the　common　ordinary　joints　gentlemanliness　is　apparently　
an　impossible　ideal。

It　is　not　only　the　tie。　　I　never　read　the　fashionable　novel　without　
misgiving。　　Some　hopeless　bounder　is　being　described：

〃If　you　want　to　know　what　he　is　like；〃　says　the　Peer　of　the　Realm；　
throwing　himself　back　in　his　deep　easy…chair；　and　puffing　lazily　at　
his　cigar　of　delicate　aroma；　〃he　is　the　sort　of　man　that　wears　three　
studs　in　his　shirt。〃

＇The　difficulty　of　being　a　Gentleman。＇

Merciful　heavens！　　I　myself　wear　three　studs　in　my　shirt。　　I　also　am　
a　hopeless　bounder；　and　I　never　knew　it。　　It　comes　upon　me　like　a　
thunderbolt。　　I　thought　three　studs　were　fashionable。　　The　idiot　at　
the　shop　told　me　three　studs　were　all　the　rage；　and　I　ordered　two　
dozen。　　I　can't　afford　to　throw　them　away。　　Till　these　two　dozen　
shirts　are　worn　out；　I　shall　have　to　remain　a　hopeless　bounder。

Why　have　we　not　a　Minister　of　the　Fine　Arts？　　Why　does　not　a　paternal　
Government　fix　notices　at　the　street　corners；　telling　the　would…be　
gentleman　how　many　studs　he　ought　to　wear；　what　style　of　necktie　now　
distinguishes　the　noble…minded　man　from　the　base…hearted？　　They　are　
prompt　enough　with　their　police　regulations；　their　vaccination　
ordersthe　higher　things　of　life　they　neglect。

I　select　at　random　another　masterpiece　of　English　literature。

〃My　dear；〃　says　Lady　Montresor；　with　her　light　aristocratic　laugh；　
〃you　surely　cannot　seriously　think　of　marrying　a　man　who　wears　socks　
with　yellow　spots？〃

Lady　Emmelina　sighs。

〃He　is　very　nice；〃　she　murmurs；　〃but　I　suppose　you　are　right。　　I　
suppose　that　sort　of　man　does　get　on　your　nerves　after　a　time。〃

〃My　dear　child；〃　says　Lady　Montresor；　〃he　is　impossible。〃

In　a　cold　sweat　I　rush　upstairs　into　my　bedroom。

I　thought　so：　　I　am　always　wrong。　　All　my　best　socks　have　yellow　
spots。　　I　rather　fancied　them。　　They　were　expensive；　too；　now　I　come　
to　think　of　it。

What　am　I　to　do？　　If　I　sacrifice　them　and　get　red　spots；　then　red　
spots；　for　all　I　know；　may　be　wrong。　　I　have　no　instinct。　　The　
fashionable　novelist　never　helps　one。　　He　tells　us　what　is　wrong；　but　
he　does　not　tell　us　what　is　right。　　It　is　creative　criticism　that　I　
feel　the　need　of。　　Why　does　not　the　Lady　Montresor　go　on？　　Tell　me　
what　sort　of　socks　the　ideal　lover　ought　to　wear。　　There　are　so　many　
varieties　of　socks。　　What　is　a　would…be…gentleman　to　do？　　Would　it　be　
of　any　use　writing　to　the　fashionable　novelist：…

＇How　we　might；　all　of　us；　be　Gentlemen。＇

〃Dear　Mr。　Fashionable　Novelist　（or　should　it　be　Miss？）；Before　going　
to　my　tailor；　I　venture　to　write　to　you　on　a　subject　of　some　
importance。　　I　am　fairly　well　educated；　of　good　family　and　address；　
and；　so　my　friends　tell　me；　of　passable　appearance。　　I　yearn　to　
become　a　gentleman。　　If　it　is　not　troubling　you　too　much；　would　you　
mind　telling　me　how　to　set　about　the　business？　　What　socks　and　ties　
ought　I　to　wear？　　Do　I　wear　a　flower　in　my　button…hole；　or　is　that　a　
sign　of　a　coarse　mind？　　How　many　buttons　on　a　morning　coat　show　a　
beautiful　nature？　　Does　a　stand…up　collar　with　a　tennis　shirt　prove　
that　you　are　of　noble　descent；　or；　on　the　contrary；　stamp　you　as　a　
parvenu？　　If　answering　these　questions　imposes　too　great　a　tax　on　
your　time；　perhaps　you　would　not　mind　telling　me　how　you　yourself　
know　these　things。　　Who　is　your　authority；　and　when　is　he　at　home？　　I　
should　apologize　for　writing　to　you　but　that　I　feel　you　will　
sympathize　with　my　appeal。　　It　seems　a　pity　there　should　be　so　many　
vulgar；　ill…bred　people　in　the　world　when　a　little　knowledge　on　these　
trivial　points　would　enable　us　all　to　become　gentlemen。　　Thanking　you　
in　anticipation；　I　remain　。　。　。　〃

Would　he　or　she　tell　us？　　Or　would　the　fashionable　novelist　reply　as　
I　once　overheard　a　harassed　mother　retort　upon　one　of　her　inquiring　
children。　　Most　of　the　afternoon　she　had　been　rushing　out　into　the　
garden；　where　games　were　in　progress；　to　tell　the　children　what　they　
must　not　do：　〃Tommy；　you　know　you　must　not　do　that。　　Haven't　you　
got　any　sense　at　all？〃　　〃Johnny；　you　wicked　boy；　how　dare　you　do　
that；　how　many　more　times　do　you　want　me　to　tell　you？〃　　〃Jane；　if　you　
do　that　again　you　will　go　straight　to　bed；　my　girl！〃　and　so　on。

At　length　the　door　was　opened　from　without；　and　a　little　face　peeped　
in：　　〃Mother！〃

〃Now；　what　is　it？　can't　I　ever　get　a　moment's　peace？〃

〃Mother；　please　would　you　mind　telling　us　something　we　might　do？〃

The　lady　almost　fell　back　on　the　floor　in　her　astonishment。　　The　idea　
had　never　occurred　to　her。

〃What　may　you　do！　　Don't　ask　me。　　I　am　tired　enough　of　telling　you　
what　not　to　do。〃

＇Things　a　Gentleman　should　never　do。＇

I　remember　when　a　young　man；　wishful　to　conform　to　the　rules　of　good　
society；　I　bought　a　book　of　etiquette　for　gentlemen。　　Its　fault　was　
just　this。　　It　told　me　through　many　pages　what　not　to　do。　　Beyond　
that　it　seemed　to　have　no　idea。　　I　made　a　list　of　things　it　said　a　
gentleman　should　NEVER　do：　　it　was　a　lengthy　list。

Determined　to　do　the　job　completely　while　I　was　about　it；　I　bought　
other　books　of　etiquette　and　added　on　their　list　of　〃Nevers。〃　　What　
one　book　left　out　another　supplied。　　There　did　not　seem　much　left　for　
a　gentleman　to　do。

I　concluded　by　the　time　I　had　come　to　the　end　of　my　books；　that　to　be　
a　true　gentleman　my　safest　course　would　be　to　stop　in　bed　for　the　
rest　of　my　life。　　By　this　means　only　could　I　hope　to　avoid　every　
possible　faux　pas；　every　solecism。　　I　should　have　lived　and　died　a　
gentleman。　　I　could　have　had　it　engraved　upon　my　tombstone：

〃He　never　in　his　life　committed　a　single　act　unbecoming　to　a　
gentleman。〃

To　be　a　gentleman　is　not　so　easy；　perhaps；　as　a　fashionable　novelist　
imagines。　　One　is　forced　to　the　conclusion　that　it　is　not　a　question　
entirely　for　the　outfitter。　　My　attention　was　attracted　once　by　a　
notice　in　the　window　of　a　West…End　emporium；　〃Gentlemen　supplied。〃

It　is　to　such　like　Universal　Providers　that　the　fashionable　novelist　
goes　for　his　gentleman。　　The　gentleman　is　supplied　to　him　complete　in　
every　detail。　　If　the　reader　be　not　satisfied；　that　is　the　reader's　
fault。　　He　is　one　of　those　tiresome；　discontented　customers　who　does　
not　know　a　good　article　when　he　has　got　it。

I　was　told　the　other　day　of　the　writer　of　a　musical　farce　（or　is　it　
comedy？）　who　was　most　desirous　that　his　leading　character　should　be　a　
perfect　gentleman。　　During　the　dress　rehearsal；　the　actor　
representing　the　part　had　to　open　his　cigarette　case　and　request　
another　perfect　gentleman　to　help　himself。　　The　actor　drew　forth　his　
case。　　It　caught　the　critical　eye　of　the　author。

〃Good　heavens！〃　he　cried；　〃what　do　you　call　that？〃

〃A　cigarette　case；〃　answered　the　actor。

〃But；　my　dear　boy；〃　exclaimed　the　author；　〃surely　it　is　silver？〃

〃I　know；〃　admitted　the　actor；　〃it　does　perhaps　suggest　that　I　am　
living　beyond　my　means；　but　the　truth　is　I　picked　it　up　cheap。〃

The　author　turned　to　the　manager。

〃This　won't　do；〃　he　explained；　〃a　real　gentleman　always　carries　a　
gold　cigarette　case。　　He　must　be　a　gentleman；　or　there's　no　point　in　
the　plot。〃

〃Don't　let　us　endanger　any　point　the　plot　may　happen　to　possess；　for　
goodness　sake；〃　agreed　the　manager；　〃let　him　by　all　means　have　a　gold　
cigarette　case。〃

＇How　one　may　know　the　perfect　Gentleman。＇

So；　regardless　of　expense；　a　gold　cigarette　case　was　obtained　and　put　
down　to　expenses。　　And　yet　on　the　first　night　of　that　musical