the professor at the breakfast table-第33章

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Self…Esteem　6。　　　　　　　　　His　face　shows　that。



Benevolence　9。　　　　　　　　　That'll　please　him。



Conscientiousness　8？　　　That　fraction　looks　first…rate。



Mirthfulness　7　　　　　　　　　Has　laughed　twice　since　he　came　in。



Ideality　9　　　　　　　　　　　　　That　sounds　well。



Form；　Size；　Weight；　　　　4　to　6。　　Average　everything　that

Color；　Locality；　　　　　　　cannot　be　guessed。

Eventuality；　etc。　etc。





　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　And　so　of　the　other　faculties。





Of　course；　you　know；　that　isn't　the　way　the　Phrenologists　do。　　They

go　only　by　the　bumps。　What　do　you　keep　laughing　so　for？　　（to　the

boarders。）　I　only　said　that　is　the　way　I　should　practise

〃Phrenology〃　for　a　living。



　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　End　of　my　Lecture。





The　Reformers　have　good　heads；　generally。　　Their　faces　are

commonly　serene　enough；　and　they　are　lambs　in　private　intercourse；

even　though　their　voices　may　be　like



　　　　　　　　　The　wolf's　long　howl　from　Oonalaska's　shore；



when　heard　from　the　platform。　　Their　greatest　spiritual　danger　is

from　the　perpetual　flattery　of　abuse　to　which　they　are　exposed。

These　lines　are　meant　to　caution　them。





　　　　　SAINT　ANTHONY　THE　REFORMER。



　　　　　　　　　　HIS　TEMPTATION。



No　fear　lest　praise　should　make　us　proud！

We　know　how　cheaply　that　is　won；

The　idle　homage　of　the　crowd

Is　proof　of　tasks　as　idly　done。



A　surface…smile　may　pay　the　toil

That　follows　still　the　conquering　Right；

With　soft；　white　hands　to　dress　the　spoil

That　sunbrowned　valor　clutched　in　fight。



Sing　the　sweet　song　of　other　days；

Serenely　placid；　safely　true；

And　o'er　the　present's　parching　ways

Thy　verse　distils　like　evening　dew。



But　speak　in　words　of　living　power；

They　fall　like　drops　of　scalding　rain

That　plashed　before　the　burning　shower

Swept　o'er　the　cities　of　the　plain！



Then　scowling　Hate　turns　deadly　pale；

Then　Passion's　half…coiled　adders　spring；

And；　smitten　through　their　leprous　mail；

Strike　right　and　left　in　hope　to　sting。



If　thou；　unmoved　by　poisoning　wrath；

Thy　feet　on　earth；　thy　heart　above；

Canst　walk　in　peace　thy　kingly　path；

Unchanged　in　trust；　unchilled　in　love；



Too　kind　for　bitter　words　to　grieve；

Too　firm　for　clamor　to　dismay；

When　Faith　forbids　thee　to　believe；

And　Meekness　calls　to　disobey；　



Ah；　then　beware　of　mortal　pride！

The　smiling　pride　that　calmly　scorns

Those　foolish　fingers；　crimson　dyed

In　laboring　on　thy　crown　of　thorns！









IX



One　of　our　boardersperhaps　more　than　one　was　concerned　in　itsent

in　some　questions　to　me；　the　other　day；　which；　trivial　as　some　of

them　are；　I　felt　bound　to　answer。



1。Whether　a　lady　was　ever　known　to　write　a　letter　covering　only　a

single　page？



To　this　I　answered；　that　there　was　a　case　on　record　where　a　lady　had

but　half　a　sheet　of　paper　and　no　envelope；　and　being　obliged　to　send

through　the　post…office；　she　covered　only　one　side　of　the　paper

（crosswise；　lengthwise；　and　diagonally）。



2。What　constitutes　a　man　a　gentleman？



To　this　I　gave　several　answers；　adapted　to　particular　classes　of

questioners。



a。　　Not　trying　to　be　a　gentleman。



b。　　Self…respect　underlying　courtesy。



c。　　Knowledge　and　observance　of　the　fitness　of　things　in　social

intercourse。



d。　　f。　s。　d。　　（as　many　suppose。）



3。Whether　face　or　figure　is　most　attractive　in　the　female　sex？



Answered　in　the　following　epigram；　by　a　young　man　about　town：



　　　　　Quoth　Tom；　〃Though　fair　her　features　be；

　　　　　It　is　her　figure　pleases　me。〃

　　　　　〃What　may　her　figure　be？〃　I　cried。

　　　　　〃One　hundred　thousand！〃　he　replied。



When　this　was　read　to　the　boarders；　the　young　man　John　said　he

should　like　a　chance　to　〃step　up〃　to　a　figger　of　that　kind；　if　the

girl　was　one　of　the　right　sort。



The　landlady　said　them　that　merried　for　money　didn't　deserve　the

blessin'　of　a　good　wife。　　Money　was　a　great　thing　when　them　that　had

it　made　a　good　use　of　it。　　She　had　seen　better　days　herself；　and

knew　what　it　was　never　to　want　for　anything。　　One　of　her　cousins

merried　a　very　rich　old　gentleman；　and　she　had　heerd　that　he　said　he

lived　ten　year　longer　than　if　he'd　staid　by　himself　without　anybody

to　take　care　of　him。　　There　was　nothin'　like　a　wife　for　nussin'　sick

folks　and　them　that　couldn't　take　care　of　themselves。



The　young　man　John　got　off　a　little　wink；　and　pointed　slyly　with　his

thumb　in　the　direction　of　our　diminutive　friend；　for　whom　he　seemed

to　think　this　speech　was　intended。



If　it　was　meant　for　him；　he　did　n't　appear　to　know　that　it　was。

Indeed；　he　seems　somewhat　listless　of　late；　except　when　the

conversation　falls　upon　one　of　those　larger　topics　that　specially

interest　him；　and　then　he　grows　excited；　speaks　loud　and　fast；

sometimes　almost　savagely；and；　I　have　noticed　once　or　twice；

presses　his　left　hand　to　his　right　side；　as　if　there　were　something

that　ached；　or　weighed；　or　throbbed　in　that　region。



While　he　speaks　in　this　way；　the　general　conversation　is

interrupted；　and　we　all　listen　to　him。　　Iris　looks　steadily　in　his

face；　and　then　he　will　turn　as　if　magnetized　and　meet　the　amber　eyes

with　his　own　melancholy　gaze。　　I　do　believe　that　they　have　some　kind

of　understanding　together；　that　they　meet　elsewhere　than　at　our

table；　and　that　there　is　a　mystery；　which　is　going　to　break　upon　us

all　of　a　sudden；　involving　the　relations　of　these　two　persons。　　From

the　very　first；　they　have　taken　to　each　other。　　The　one　thing　they

have　in　common　is　the　heroic　will。　　In　him；　it　shows　itself　in

thinking　his　way　straightforward；　in　doing　battle　for　〃free　trade

and　no　right　of　search〃　on　the　high　seas　of　religious　controversy；

and　especially　in　fighting　the　battles　of　his　crooked　old　city。　　In

her；　it　is　standing　up　for　her　little　friend　with　the　most　queenly

disregard　of　the　code　of　boarding…house　etiquette。　　People　may　say

or　look　what　they　like；she　will　have　her　way　about　this　sentiment

of　hers。



The　Poor　Relation　is　in　a　dreadful　fidget　whenever　the　Little

Gentleman　says　anything　that　interferes　with　her　own　infallibility。

She　seems　to　think　Faith　must　go　with　her　face　tied　up；　as　if　she

had　the　toothache；and　that　if　she　opens　her　mouth　to　the　quarter

the　wind　blows　from；　she　will　catch　her　〃death　o'　cold。〃



The　landlady　herself　came　to　him　one　day；　as　I　have　found　out；　and

tried　to　persuade　him　to　hold　his　tongue。　The　boarders　was　gettin'

uneasy；she　said；and　some　of　'em　would　go；　she　mistrusted；　if　he

talked　any　more　about　things　that　belonged　to　the　ministers　to

settle。　　She　was　a　poor　woman；　that　had　known　better　days；　but　all

her　livin'　depended　on　her　boarders；　and　she　was　sure　there　was　n't

any　of　'em　she　set　so　much　by　as　she　did　by　him；　but　there　was　them

that　never　liked　to　hear　about　sech　things；　except　on　Sundays。



The　Little　Gentleman　looked　very　smiling　at　the　landlady；　who　smiled

even　more　cordially　in　return；　and　adjusted　her　cap…ribbon　with　an

unconscious　movement；a　reminiscence　of　the　long…past　pairing…time；

when　she　had　smoothed　her　locks　and　softened　her　voice；　and　won　her

mate　by　these　and　other　bird…like　graces。　My　dear　Madam；he

said；I　will　remember　your　interests；　and　speak　only　of　matters　to

which　I　am　totally　indifferent。　I　don't　doubt　he　meant　this；　but　a

day　or　two　after；　something　stirred　him　up；　and　I　heard　his　voice

uttering　itself　aloud；　thus：



…It　must　be　done；　Sir！　he　was　saying；it　must　be　done！　　Our

religion　has　been　Judaized；　it　has　been　Romanized；　it　has　been

Orientalized；　it　has　been　Anglicized；　and　the　time　is　at　hand　when

it　must　be　AMERICANIZED！　　Now；　Sir；　you　see　what　Americanizing　is　in

politics；it　means　that　a　man　shall　have　a　vote　because　he　is　a

man；and　shall　vote　for　whom　he　pleases；　without　his　neighbor's

interference。　　If　he　chooses　to　vote　for　the　Devil；　that　is　his

lookout；perhaps　he　thinks　the　Devil　is　better　than　the　other

candidates；　and　I　don't　doubt　he's　often　right；　Sir。　　Just　so　a

man's　soul　has　a　vote　in　the　spiritual　community；　and　it　doesn't　do；

Sir；　or　it　won't　do　long；　to　call　him　〃schismatic〃　and　〃heretic〃　and

those　other　wicked　names　that　the　old　murderous　Inquisitors　have

left　us　to　help　along　〃peace　and　goodwill　to　men〃！



As　long　as　you　could　catch　a　man　and　drop　him　into　an　oubliette；　or

pull　him　out　a　few　inches　longer　by　machinery；　or　put　a　hot　iron

through　his　tongue；　or　make　him　climb　up　a　ladder　and　sit　on　a　board

at　the　top　of　a　stake　so　that　he　should　be　slowly　broiled　by　the

fire　kindled　round　it；　there　was　some　sense　in　these　words；　they　led

to　something。　　But　since　we　have　done　with　those　tools；　we　had

better　give　up　those　words。　　I　should　like　to　see　a　Yankee

advertisement　like　this！　（the　Little　Gentleman　laughed　fiercely　as

he　uttered　the　words；）



Patent　thumb…screws；will　crush　the　bone　in　three　turns。



The　cast…iron　boot；　with　wedge　and　mallet；　only　five　dollars！



The　celebrated　extension…rack；　warranted　to　stretch　a　man　six

inches　in　twenty　minutes；money　returned；　if　it　proves

unsatisfactory。



I　should　like　to　see　such　an　advertisement；　I　say；　Sir！　　Now；　what's

the　use　of　using　the　words　that　belonged　with　the　thumb…screws；　and

the　Blessed　Virgin　with　the　knives　under　her　petticoats　and　sleeves

and　bodice；　and　the　dry　pan　and　gradual　fire；　if　we　can't　have　the

things　themselves；　Sir？　　What's　the　use　of　painting　the　fire　round　a

poor　fellow；　when　you　think　it　won't　do　to　kindle　one　under　him；as

they　did　at　Valencia　or　Valladolid；　or　wherever　it　was？



What　story　is　that？I　said。



Why；he　answered；at　the　last　auto…da…fe；　in　1824　or　'5；　or

somewhere　there；it's　a　traveller's　story；　but　a　mighty　knowing

traveller　he　is；they　had　a　〃heretic〃　to　use　up　according　to　the

statutes　provided　for　the　crime　of　private　opinion。　　They　could　n't

quite　make　up　their　minds　to　burn　him；　so　they　only　hung　him　in　a

hogshead　painted　all　over　with　flames！



No；　Sir！　　when　a　man　calls　you　names　because　you　go　to　the　ballot…

box　and　vote　for　your　candidate；　or　because　you　say　this　or　that　is

your　opinion；　he　forgets　in　which　half　of　the　world　he　was　born；

Sir！　　It　won't　be　long；　Sir；　before　we　have　Americanized　religion　as

we　have　Americanized　government；　and　then；　Sir；　every　soul　God　sends

into　the　world　will　be　good　in　the　face　of　all　men　for　just　so　much

of　His　〃inspiration〃　as　〃giveth　him　understanding〃！　None　of　my

words；　Sir！　　none　of　my　words！



If　Iris　does　not　love　this　Little　Gentleman；　what　does　love　look

like　when　one　sees　it？　　She　follows　him　with　her　eyes；　she　leans

over　toward　him　when　he　speaks；　her　face　changes　with　the　changes　of

his　speech；　so　that　one　might　think　it　was　with　her　as　with

Christabel；



　　　　　　　　　　That　all　her　features　were　resigned

　　　　　　　　　　To　this　sole　image　in　her　mind。



But　she　never　looks　at　him　with　such　intensity　of　devotion　as　when

he　says　anything　about　the　soul　and　the　soul's　atmosphere；　religion。



W