the professor at the breakfast table-第32章

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fools　to　pick　a　quarrel　with　me。　　In　the　sensibility　and　the

sanctity　which　often　accompany　premature　decay　I　see　one　of　the　most

beautiful　instances　of　the　principle　of　compensation　which　marks　the

Divine　benevolence。　　But　to　get　the　spiritual　hygiene　of　robust

natures　out　of　the　exceptional　regimen　of　invalids　is　just　simply

what　we　Professors　call　〃bad　practice〃；　and　I　know　by　experience

that　there　are　worthy　people　who　not　only　try　it　on　their　own

children；　but　actually　force　it　on　those　of　their　neighbors。



Having　been　photographed；　and　stereographed；　and　chromatographed；

or　done　in　colors；　it　only　remained　to　be　phrenologized。　　A　polite

note　from　Messrs。　Bumpus　and　Crane；　requesting　our　attendance　at

their　Physiological　Emporium；　was　too　tempting　to　be　resisted。　　We

repaired　to　that　scientific　Golgotha。



Messrs。　Bumpus　and　Crane　are　arranged　on　the　plan　of　the　man　and　the

woman　in　the　toy　called　a　〃weather…house；〃　both　on　the　same　wooden

arm　suspended　on　a　pivot；so　that　when　one　comes　to　the　door；　the

other　retires　backwards；　and　vice　versa。　　The　more　particular

speciality　of　one　is　to　lubricate　your　entrance　and　exit；that　of

the　other　to　polish　you　off　phrenologically　in　the　recesses　of　the

establishment。　　Suppose　yourself　in　a　room　full　of　casts　and

pictures；　before　a　counterful　of　books　with　taking　titles。　　I　wonder

if　the　picture　of　the　brain　is　there；　〃approved〃　by　a　noted

Phrenologist；　which　was　copied　from　my；　the　Professor's；　folio

plate；　in　the　work　of　Gall　and　Spurzheim。　　An　extra　convolution；　No。

9；　Destructiveness；　according　to　the　list　beneath；　which　was　not　to

be　seen　in　the　plate；　itself　a　copy　of　Nature；　was　very　liberally

supplied　by　the　artist；　to　meet　the　wants　of　the　catalogue　of

〃organs。〃　　Professor　Bumpus　is　seated　in　front　of　a　row　of　women；

horn…combers　and　gold…beaders；　or　somewhere　about　that　range　of

life；looking　so　credulous；　that；　if　any　Second…Advent　Miller　or

Joe　Smith　should　come　along；　he　could　string　the　whole　lot　of　them

on　his　cheapest　lie；　as　a　boy　strings　a　dozen　〃shiners〃　on　a

stripped　twig　of　willow。



The　Professor　（meaning　ourselves）　is　in　a　hurry；　as　usual；　let　the

horn…combers　wait；he　shall　be　bumped　without　inspecting　the

antechamber。



Tape　round　the　head；22　inches。　　（Come　on；　old　23　inches；　if　you

think　you　are　the　better　man！）



Feels　thorax　and　arm；　and　nuzzles　round　among　muscles　as　those

horrid　old　women　poke　their　fingers　into　the　salt…meat　on　the

provision…stalls　at　the　Quincy　Market。　　Vitality；　No。　　5　or　6；　or

something　or　other。　　Victuality；　（organ　at　epigastrium；）　some

other　number　equally　significant。



Mild　champooing　of　head　now　commences。　　'Extraordinary　revelations！

Cupidiphilous；　6！　　Hymeniphilous；　6　＋！　　Paediphilous；　5！

Deipniphilous；　6！　　Gelasmiphilous；　6！　　Musikiphilous；　5！

Uraniphilous；　5！　　Glossiphilous；　8！！　and　so　on。　　Meant　for　a

linguist。　Invaluable　information。　　Will　invest　in　grammars　and

dictionaries　immediately。　I　have　nothing　against　the　grand　total

of　my　phrenological　endowments。



I　never　set　great　store　by　my　head；　and　did　not　think　Messrs。

Bumpus　and　Crane　would　give　me　so　good　a　lot　of　organs　as　they　did；

especially　considering　that　I　was　a　dead…head　on　that　occasion。

Much　obliged　to　them　for　their　politeness。　　They　have　been　useful　in

their　way　by　calling　attention　to　important　physiological　facts。

（This　concession　is　due　to　our　immense　bump　of　Candor。）





A　short　Lecture　on　Phrenology；　read　to　the　Boarders　at　our

Breakfast…Table。



I　shall　begin；　my　friends；　with　the　definition　of　a　Pseudo…science。

A　Pseudo…science　consists　of　a　nomenclature；　with　a　self…adjusting

arrangement；　by　which　all　positive　evidence；　or　such　as　favors　its

doctrines；　is　admitted；　and　all　negative　evidence；　or　such　as　tells

against　it；　is　excluded。　　It　is　invariably　connected　with　some

lucrative　practical　application。　　Its　professors　and　practitioners

are　usually　shrewd　people；　they　are　very　serious　with　the　public；

but　wink　and　laugh　a　good　deal　among　themselves。　　The　believing

multitude　consists　of　women　of　both　sexes；　feeble　minded　inquirers；

poetical　optimists；　people　who　always　get　cheated　in　buying　horses；

philanthropists　who　insist　on　hurrying　up　the　millennium；　and　others

of　this　class；　with　here　and　there　a　clergyman；　less　frequently　a

lawyer；　very　rarely　a　physician；　and　almost　never　a　horse…jockey　or

a　member　of　the　detective　police。　I　do　not　say　that　Phrenology　was

one　of　the　Pseudo…sciences。



A　Pseudo…science　does　not　necessarily　consist　wholly　of　lies。　　It

may　contain　many　truths；　and　even　valuable　ones。　　The　rottenest　bank

starts　with　a　little　specie。　　It　puts　out　a　thousand　promises　to　pay

on　the　strength　of　a　single　dollar；　but　the　dollar　is　very　commonly

a　good　one。　　The　practitioners　of　the　Pseudo…sciences　know　that

common　minds；　after　they　have　been　baited　with　a　real　fact　or　two；

will　jump　at　the　merest　rag　of　a　lie；　or　even　at　the　bare　hook。

When　we　have　one　fact　found　us；　we　are　very　apt　to　supply　the　next

out　of　our　own　imagination。　　（How　many　persons　can　read　Judges　xv。

16　correctly　the　first　time？）　The　Pseudo…sciences　take　advantage　of

this。　I　did　not　say　that　it　was　so　with　Phrenology。



I　have　rarely　met　a　sensible　man　who　would　not　allow　that　there　was

something　in　Phrenology。　　A　broad；　high　forehead；　it　is　commonly

agreed；　promises　intellect；　one　that　is　〃villanous　low〃　and　has　a

huge　hind…head　back　of　it；　is　wont　to　mark　an　animal　nature。　　I　have

as　rarely　met　an　unbiassed　and　sensible　man　who　really　believed　in

the　bumps。　　It　is　observed；　however；　that　persons　with　what　the

Phrenologists　call　〃good　heads〃　are　more　prone　than　others　toward

plenary　belief　in　the　doctrine。



It　is　so　hard　to　prove　a　negative；　that；　if　a　man　should　assert　that

the　moon　was　in　truth　a　green　cheese；　formed　by　the　coagulable

substance　of　the　Milky　Way；　and　challenge　me　to　prove　the　contrary；

I　might　be　puzzled。　　But　if　he　offer　to　sell　me　a　ton　of　this　lunar

cheese；　I　call　on　him　to　prove　the　truth　of　the　Gaseous　nature　of

our　satellite；　before　I　purchase。



It　is　not　necessary　to　prove　the　falsity　of　the　phrenological

statement。　　It　is　only　necessary　to　show　that　its　truth　is　not

proved；　and　cannot　be；　by　the　common　course　of　argument。　　The　walls

of　the　head　are　double；　with　a　great　air…chamber　between　them；　over

the　smallest　and　most　closely　crowded　〃organs。〃　　Can　you　tell　how

much　money　there　is　in　a　safe；　which　also　has　thick　double　walls；　by

kneading　its　knobs　with　your　fingers？　　So　when　a　man　fumbles　about

my　forehead；　and　talks　about　the　organs　of　Individuality；　Size；

etc。；　I　trust　him　as　much　as　I　should　if　he　felt　of　the　outside　of

my　strong…box　and　told　me　that　there　was　a　five…dollar　or　a　ten…

dollar…bill　under　this　or　that　particular　rivet。　　Perhaps　there　is；

only　he　does　n't　know　anything　about　at。　　But　this　is　a　point　that

I；　the　Professor；　understand；　my　friends；　or　ought　to；　certainly；

better　than　you　do。　　The　next　argument　you　will　all　appreciate。



I　proceed；　therefore；　to　explain　the　self…adjusting　mechanism　of

Phrenology；　which　is　very　similar　to　that　of　the　Pseudo…sciences。

An　example　will　show　it　most　conveniently。



A。　is　a　notorious　thief。　　Messrs。　Bumpus　and　Crane　examine　him　and

find　a　good…sized　organ　of　Acquisitiveness。　　Positive　fact　for

Phrenology。　　Casts　and　drawings　of　A。　are　multiplied；　and　the　bump

does　not　lose　in　the　act　of　copying。　I　did　not　say　it　gained。　

What　do　you　look　so　for？　　（to　the　boarders。）



Presently　B。　turns　up；　a　bigger　thief　than　A。　　But　B。　has　no　bump　at

all　over　Acquisitiveness。　　Negative　fact；　goes　against　Phrenology。

Not　a　bit　of　it。　　Don't　you　see　how　small　Conscientiousness　is？

That's　the　reason　B。　stole。



And　then　comes　C。；　ten　times　as　much　a　thief　as　either　A。　or　B。；

used　to　steal　before　he　was　weaned；　and　would　pick　one　of　his　own

pockets　and　put　its　contents　in　another；　if　he　could　find　no　other

way　of　committing　petty　larceny。　　Unfortunately；　C。　　has　a　hollow；

instead　of　a　bump；　over　Acquisitiveness。　　Ah；　but　just　look　and　see

what　a　bump　of　Alimentiveness！　　Did　not　C。　buy　nuts　and　gingerbread；

when　a　boy；　with　the　money　he　stole？　　Of　course　you　see　why　he　is　a

thief；　and　how　his　example　confirms　our　noble　science。



At　last　comes　along　a　case　which　is　apparently　a　settler；　for　there

is　a　little　brain　with　vast　and　varied　powers；a　case　like　that　of

Byron；　for　instance。　　Then　comes　out　the　grand　reserve…reason　which

covers　everything　and　renders　it　simply　impossible　ever　to　corner　a

Phrenologist。　　〃It　is　not　the　size　alone；　but　the　quality　of　an

organ；　which　determines　its　degree　of　power。〃



Oh！　oh！　　I　see。　The　argument　may　be　briefly　stated　thus　by　the

Phrenologist：　〃Heads　I　win；　tails　you　lose。〃　　Well；　that's

convenient。



It　must　be　confessed　that　Phrenology　has　a　certain　resemblance　to

the　Pseudo…sciences。　　I　did　not　say　it　was　a　Pseudo…science。



I　have　often　met　persons　who　have　been　altogether　struck　up　and

amazed　at　the　accuracy　with　which　some　wandering　Professor　of

Phrenology　had　read　their　characters　written　upon　their　skulls。　　Of

course　the　Professor　acquires　his　information　solely　through　his

cranial　inspections　and　manipulations。　What　are　you　laughing　at？

（to　the　boarders。）But　let　us　just　suppose；　for　a　moment；　that　a

tolerably　cunning　fellow；　who　did　not　know　or　care　anything　about

Phrenology；　should　open　a　shop　and　undertake　to　read　off　people's

characters　at　fifty　cents　or　a　dollar　apiece。　　Let　us　see　how　well

he　could　get　along　without　the　〃organs。〃



I　will　suppose　myself　to　set　up　such　a　shop。　　I　would　invest　one

hundred　dollars；　more　or　less；　in　casts　of　brains；　skulls；　charts；

and　other　matters　that　would　make　the　most　show　for　the　money。　　That

would　do　to　begin　with。　　I　would　then　advertise　myself　as　the

celebrated　Professor　Brainey；　or　whatever　name　I　might　choose；　and

wait　for　my　first　customer。　　My　first　customer　is　a　middle…aged　man。

I　look　at　him；ask　him　a　question　or　two；　so　as　to　hear　him　talk。

When　I　have　got　the　hang　of　him；　I　ask　him　to　sit　down；　and　proceed

to　fumble　his　skull；　dictating　as　follows：

SCALE　FROM　1　TO　10。



LIST　OF　FACULTIES　FOR　　　　　　　　　　　PRIVATE　NOTES　FOR　MY　PUPIL。

　　　　　　CUSTOMER。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Each　to　be　accompanied　with　a　wink。



Amativeness；　7。　　　　　　　　Most　men　love　the　conflicting　sex；　and　all

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　men　love　to　be　told　they　do。



Alimentiveness；　8。　　　　　Don't　you　see　that　he　has　burst　off　his

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　lowest　waistcoat…button　with　feeding；hey



Acquisitiveness；　8。　　　　Of　course。　　A　middle…aged　Yankee。



Approbativeness　7＋。　　　　Hat　well　brushed。　　Hair　ditto。　　Mark　the

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　effect　of　that　plus　sign。



Self…Esteem　6。　　　　　　　　　His　face　shows　that。



Benevolence　9。　　　　　　　　　That'll　please　him。



Conscientiousness　8？　　　That　fraction　looks　f