dk.coldfire-第54章

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　〃Shit！〃　she　said；　her　fear　accelerating　with　the　pace　of　the　windmill　sails。　
　She　put　the　car　in　reverse；　looked　over　her　shoulder；　and　backed　at　high　speed　around　the　pond。　
　〃Where　are　we　going？〃　he　asked。　
　〃Not　far。〃　
　Since　the　windmill　lay　at　the　center　of　Jim's　delusion；　Holly　thought　it　was　a　good　idea　to　put　it　out　of　sight　while　they　talked。　
　She　swung　the　car　around；　drove　to　the　end　of　the　driveway；　and　parked　facing　out　toward　the　county　road。　
　She　cranked　down　her　window；　and　he　followed　suit。　
　Switching　off　the　engine；　she　turned　more　directly　toward　him。　In　spite　of　everything　she　now　knew…or　suspected…about　him；　she　wanted　to　touch　his　face；　smooth　his　hair；　hold　him。　He　elicited　a　mothering　urge　from　her　of　which　she　hadn't　even　known　she'd　been　capable…just　as　he　engendered　in　her　an　erotic　response　and　passion　that　were　beyond　anything　she　had　experienced　before。　
　Yeah；　she　thought；　and　evidently　he　engenders　in　you　a　suicidal　tendency。　Jesus；　Thorne；　the　guy　as　much　as　said　he'll　kill　you！　But　he　also　had　said　he　loved　her。　
　Why　wasn't　anything　easy？　She　said；　〃Before　I　get　into　it。　。　。　I　want　you　to　understand　that　I　love　you；　Jim。〃　It　was　the　dumbest　line　in　the　world。　It　sounded　so　insincere。　
　Words　were　inadequate　to　describe　the　real　thing；　partly　because　the　feeling　ran　deeper　than　she　had　ever　imagined　it　would；　and　partly　because　it　was　not　a　single　emotion　but　was　mixed　up　with　other　things　like　anxiety　and　hope。　She　said　it　again　anyway：　〃I　really　do　love　you。〃　
　He　reached　for　her　hand；　smiling　at　her　with　obvious　pleasure。　
　You're　wonderful；　Holly。〃　
　Which　was　not　exactly　I…love…you…too…Holly；　but　that　was　okay。　She　didn't　harbor　romance…novel　expectations。　It　was　not　going　to　be　that　simple。　Being　in　love　with　Jim　Ironheart　was　like　being　in　love　simultaneously　with　the　tortured　Max　de　Winter　from　Rebecca；　Superman；　and　jack　Nicholson　in　any　role　he'd　ever　played。　Though　it　wasn't　easy；　it　wasn't　dull　either。　
　〃The　thing　is；　when　I　was　paying　my　motel　bill　yesterday　morning　and　you　were　sitting　in　the　car　watching　me；　I　realized　you　hadn't　said　you　loved　me。　I　was　going　off　with　you；　putting　myself　in　your　hands；　and　you　hadn't　said　the　words。　But　then　I　realized　I　hadn't　said　them　either；　I　was　playing　it　just　as　cool；　holding　back　and　protecting　myself　Well；　I'm　not　holding　back　any　more；　I'm　walking　out　on　that　highwire　with　no　net　below…and　largely　because　you　told　me　you　loved　me　last　night。　So　you　better　have　meant　it。〃　
　A　quizzical　expression　overtook　him。　
　She　said；　〃I　know　you　don't　remember　saying　it；　but　you　did。　You　have　problems　with　the　L'　word。　Maybe　because　you　lost　your　folks　when　you　were　so　young；　you're　afraid　to　get　close　to　anyone　for　fear　of　losing　them；　too。　Instant　analysis。　Holly　Freud。　Anyway；　you　did　tell　me　you　loved　me；　and　I'll　prove　it　in　a　little　while；　but　right　now；　before　I　get　into　this　mess；　I　want　you　to　know　I　never　imagined　I　could　feel　about　anyone　the　way　I　feel　about　you。　So　if　whatever　I　say　to　you　in　the　next　few　minutes　is　hard　to　take；　even　impossible　to　take；　just　know　where　it　es　from；　only　from　love；　from　nothing　else。〃　
　He　stared　at　her。　〃Yeah；　all　right。　But　Holly；　this〃　〃You'll　get　your　turn。〃　She　leaned　across　the　seat；　kissed　him；　then　pulled　back。　
　〃Right　now；　you've　got　to　listen。〃　
　She　told　him　everything　she　had　theorized；　why　she　had　crept　out　of　the　mill　while　he'd　been　asleep…and　why　she　had　returned。　He　listened　with　growing　disbelief；　and　she　repeatedly　cut　off　his　protests　by　lightly　squeezing　his　hand；　putting　a　hand　to　his　lips；　or　giving　him　a　quick　kiss。　The　answer…tablet；　which　she　produced　from　the　back　seat；　stunned　him　and　rendered　his　objections　less　vehement。　
　BECAUSE　HE　LOOKS　LIKE　MY　FATHER　WHOM　I　FAILED　TO　SAVE。　His　hands　shook　as　he　held　the　tablet　and　stared　at　that　incredible　line。　He　turned　back　to　the　other　surprising　messages；　repeated　page　after　page…HE　LOVES　YOU　HOLLY。　HE　WILL　KILL　YOU　HOLLY…and　the　tremors　in　his　hands　became　even　more　severe。　
　〃I　would　never　harm　you；〃　he　said　shakily；　staring　down　at　the　tablet。　
　〃Never。〃　
　〃I　know　you'd　never　want　to。〃　
　Dr。　Jekyll　had　never　wanted　to　be　the　murderous　Mr。　Hyde。　
　〃But　you　think　I　sent　you　this；　not　The　Friend。〃　
　〃I　know　you　did；　Jim。　It　feels　right。〃　
　〃So　if　The　Friend　sent　it　but　the　The　Friend　is　me；　a　part　of　me；　then　you　believe　it　really　says　I　love　you　Holly。'〃　〃Yes；〃　she　said　softly。　
　He　looked　up　from　the　tablet；　met　her　eyes。　〃If　you　believe　the　I…love…you　part；　why　don't　you　believe　the　I…will…kill…you　part？〃　〃Well；　that's　the　thing。　I　do　believe　a　small；　dark　part　of　you　wants　to　kill　me；　yes。〃　
　He　flinched　as　if　she　had　struck　him。　
　She　said；　〃The　Enemy　wants　me　dead；　it　wants　me　dead　real　bad；　because　I've　made　you　face　up　to　what's　behind　these　recent　events；　brought　you　back　here；　forced　you　to　confront　the　source　of　your　fantasy。〃　
　He　started　to　shake　his　head　in　denial。　
　But　she　went　on：　〃Which　is　what　you　wanted　me　to　do。　It's　why　you　drew　me　to　you　in　the　first　place。〃　
　〃No。　I　didn't〃　〃Yes；　you　did。〃　Pushing　him　toward　enlightenment　was　extremely　dangerous。　But　that　was　her　only　hope　of　saving　him。　
　〃Jim；　if　you　can　just　understand　what's　happened；　accept　the　existence　of　two　other　personalities；　even　the　possibility　of　their　existence；　maybe　that'll　be　the　beginning　of　the　end　of　The　Friend　and　The　Enemy。〃　
　Still　shaking　his　head；　he　said；　〃The　Enemy　won't　go　peacefully；〃　and　immediately　blinked　in　surprise　at　the　words　he　had　spoken　and　the　implication　that　they　conveyed。　
　〃Damn；〃　Holly　said；　and　a　thrill　coursed　through　her；　not　merely　because　he　had　just　confirmed　her　entire　theory；　whether　he　could　admit　it　or　not；　but　because　the　five　words　he　had　spoken　were　proof　that　he　wanted　out　of　the　Byzantine　fantasy　in　which　he　had　taken　refuge。　
　He　was　as　pale　as　a　man　who　had　just　been　told　that　a　cancer　was　growing　in　him。　In　fact　a　malignancy　did　reside　within　him；　but　it　was　mental　rather　than　physical。　
　A　breeze　wafted　through　the　open　car　windows；　and　it　seemed　to　wash　new　hope　into　Holly。　
　That　buoyant　feeling　was　short…lived；　however；　because　new　words　suddenly　appeared　on　the　tablet　in　Jim's　hands：　YOU　DIE。　
　〃This　isn't　me；〃　he　told　her　earnestly；　in　spite　of　the　subtle　admission　he　had　made　a　moment　ago。　〃Holly；　this　can't　be　me。〃　
　On　the　tablet；　more　words　appeared：　I　AM　ING。　YOU　DIE。　
　Holly　felt　as　if　the　world　had　bee　a　carnival　funhouse；　full　of　ghouls　and　ghosts。　Every　turn；　any　moment；　without　warning；　something　might　spring　at　her　from　out　of　a　shadow…or　from　broad　daylight；　for　that　matter。　But　unlike　a　carnival　monster；　this　one　would　inflict　real　pain；　draw　blood；　kill　her　if　it　could。　
　In　hopes　that　The　Enemy；　like　The　Friend；　would　respond　well　to　firmness；　Holly　grabbed　the　tablet　from　Jim's　hand　and　threw　it　out　the　window。　
　〃To　hell　with　that。　I　won't　read　that　crap。　
　Listen　to　me；　Jim。　If　I'm　right；　The　Enemy　is　the　embodiment　of　your　rage　over　the　deaths　of　your　parents。　Your　fury　was　so　great；　at　ten；　it　terrified　you；　so　you　pushed　it　outside　yourself；　into　this　other　identity。　But　you're　a　unique　victim　of　multiple…personality　syndrome　because　your　power　allows　you　to　create　physical　existences　for　your　other　identities。〃　
　Though　acceptance　had　a　toehold　in　him；　he　was　still　struggling　to　deny　the　truth。　〃What're　we　saying　here？　That　I'm　insane；　that　I'm　some　sort　of　socially　functional　lunatic；　for　Christ's　sake？〃　〃Not　insane；〃　she　said　quickly。　〃Let's　say　disturbed；　troubled。　
　You're　locked　in　a　psychological　box　that　you　built　for　yourself；　and　you　want　out；　but　you　can't　find　the　key　to　the　lock。〃　
　He　shook　his　head。　Fine　beads　of　sweat　had　broken　out　along　his　hairline；　and　he　was　into　whiter　shades　of　pale。　〃No；　that's　putting　too　good　a　face　on　it。　If　what　you　think　is　true；　then　I'm　all　the　way　off　the　deep　end；　Holly；　I　should　be　in　some　damned　rubber　room；　pumped　full　of　Thorazine。〃　
　She　took　both　of　his　hands　again；　held　them　tight。　〃No。　Stop　that。　
　You　can　find　your　way　out　of　this；　you　can　do　it；　you　can　make　yourself　whole　again；　I　know　you　can。〃　
　〃How　can　you　know？　Jesus；　Holly；　I〃　〃Because　you're　not　an　ordinary　man；　you're　special；〃　she　said　sharply。　
　〃You　have　this　power；　this　incredible　force　inside　you；　and　you　can　do　such　good　with　it　if　you　want。　The　power　is　something　you　can　draw　on　that　ordinary　people　don't　have；　it　can　be　a　healing　power。　
　Don't　you　see？　If　you　can　cause　ringing　bells　and　alien　heartbeats　and　voices　to　e　out　of　thin　air；　if　you　can　turn　walls　into　flesh；　project　images　into　my　dreams；　see　into　the　future　to　save　lives；　then　you　can　make　yourself　whole　and　right　again。〃　
　Determined　disbelief　lined　his　face。　〃How　could　any　man　have　the　power　you're　talking　about？〃　〃I　don't　know；　but　you've　got　it。〃　
　〃It　has　to　e　from　a　higher　being。　For　God's　sake；　I'm　not　Superman。〃　
　Holly　pounded　a　fist　against　the　horn　ring　and　said；　〃You're　telepathic；　telekinetic；　tele…fucking…everything！　All　right；　you　can't　fly；　you　don't　have　X…ray　vision；　you　can't　bend　steel　with　your　bare　hands；　and　you　can't　race　faster　than　a　speeding　bullet。　But　you're　as　close　to　Superman　as　any　man's　likely　to　get。　In　fact；　in　some　ways　you've　got　him　beat　because　you　can　see　into　the　future。　Maybe　you　see　only　bits　and　pieces　of　it；　and　only　random　visions　when　you　aren't　trying　for　them；　but　you　can　see　the　future。〃　
　He　was　shaken　by　her　conviction。　〃So　where'd　I　get　all　this　magic？〃　〃I　don't　know。〃　
　〃That's　where　it　falls　apart。〃　
　〃It　doesn't　fall　apart　just　because　I　don't　know；〃　she　said　frustratingly。　
　〃Yellow　doesn't　stop　being　yellow　just　because　I　don't　know　anything　about　why　the　eye　sees　different　colors。　You　have　the　power。　
　You　are　the　power；　not　God　or　some　alien　under　the　millpond。〃　
　He　pulled　his　hands　from　hers　and　looked　out　the　windshield　toward　the　county　road　and　the　dry　fields　beyond。　He　seemed　afraid　to　face　up　to　the　tremendous　power　he　possessed…maybe　because　it　carried　with　it　responsibilities　that　he　was　not　sure　he　could　shoulder。　
　She　sensed　that　he　was　also　shamed　by　the　prospect　of　his　own　mental　illness；　and　unable　to　meet　her　eyes　any　longer。　He　was　so　stoic；　so　strong；　so　proud　of　his　strength　that　he　could　not　accept　this　suggested　weakness　in　himself　He　had　built　a　life　that　placed　a　high　value　on　self　control　and　self　reliance；　that　made　a　singular　virtue　out　of　self　imposed　solitude；　in　the　manner　of　a　monk　who　needed　no　one　but　himself　and　God。　Now　she　was　telling　him　that　his　decision　to　bee　an　iron　man　and　a　loner　was　not　a　well…considered　choice；　that　it　was　a　desperate　attempt　to　deal　with　emotional　turmoil　that　had　threatened　to　destroy　him；　and　that　his　need　for　self　control　had　moved　him　over　the　line　of　rational　behavior。　
　She　thought　of　the　words　on　the　tablet：　I　AM　ING。　YOU　DIE。　
　She　switched　on　the　engine。　
　He　said；　〃Where　are　we　going？〃　As　she　put　the　car　in　gear；　pulled　out　onto　the　county　road；　and　turned　right　toward　New　Svenborg；　she　did　not　answer　him。　Instead；　〃Was　there　anything　special　about　you　as　a　boy？〃　〃No；〃　he　said　a　little　too　quickly；　too　sharply。　
　〃Never　any　indi