passages from an old volume of life-第3章

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nflict。　　The　issues　seem　to　vary；　but　it　is　always　a　right　against　a　claim；　and；　however　the　struggle　of　the　hour　may　go；　a　movement　onward　of　the　campaign；　which　uses　defeat　as　well　as　victory　to　serve　its　mighty　ends。　　The　very　implements　of　our　warfare　change　less　than　we　think。　　Our　bullets　and　cannonballs　have　lengthened　into　bolts　like　those　which　whistled　out　of　old　arbalests。　Our　soldiers　fight　with　weapons；　such　as　are　pictured　on　the　walls　of　Theban　tombs；　wearing　a　newly　invented　head…gear　as　old　as　the　days　of　the　Pyramids。

Whatever　miseries　this　war　brings　upon　us；　it　is　making　us　wiser；　and；　we　trust；　better。　　Wiser；　for　we　are　learning　our　weakness；　our　narrowness；　our　selfishness；　our　ignorance；　in　lessons　of　sorrow　and　shame。　　Better；　because　all　that　is　noble　in　men　and　women　is　demanded　by　the　time；　and　our　people　are　rising　to　the　standard　the　time　calls　for。　　For　this　is　the　question　the　hour　is　putting　to　each　of　us：　Are　you　ready；　if　need　be；　to　sacrifice　all　that　you　have　and　hope　for　in　this　world；　that　the　generations　to　follow　you　may　inherit　a　whole　country　whose　natural　condition　shall　be　peace；　and　not　a　broken　province　which　must　live　under　the　perpetual　threat；　if　not　in　the　constant　presence；　of　war　and　all　that　war　brings　with　it？　If　we　are　all　ready　for　this　sacrifice；　battles　may　be　lost；　but　the　campaign　and　its　grand　object　must　be　won。

Heaven　is　very　kind　in　its　way　of　putting　questions　to　mortals。　　We　are　not　abruptly　asked　to　give　up　all　that　we　most　care　for；　in　view　of　the　momentous　issues　before　us。　　Perhaps　we　shall　never　be　asked　to　give　up　all；　but　we　have　already　been　called　upon　to　part　with　much　that　is　dear　to　us；　and　should　be　ready　to　yield　the　rest　as　it　is　called　for。　　The　time　may　come　when　even　the　cheap　public　print　shall　be　a　burden　our　means　cannot　support；　and　we　can　only　listen　in　the　square　that　was　once　the　marketplace　to　the　voices　of　those　who　proclaim　defeat　or　victory。　　Then　there　will　be　only　our　daily　food　left。　　When　we　have　nothing　to　read　and　nothing　to　eat；　it　will　be　a　favorable　moment　to　offer　a　compromise。　　At　present　we　have　all　that　nature　absolutely　demands；we　can　live　on　bread　and　the　newspaper。






MY　HUNT　AFTER　〃THE　CAPTAIN。〃

In　the　dead　of　the　night　which　closed　upon　the　bloody　field　of　Antietam；　my　household　was　startled　from　its　slumbers　by　the　loud　summons　of　a　telegraphic　messenger。　　The　air　had　been　heavy　all　day　with　rumors　of　battle；　and　thousands　and　tens　of　thousands　had　walked　the　streets　with　throbbing　hearts；　in　dread　anticipation　of　the　tidings　any　hour　might　bring。

We　rose　hastily；　and　presently　the　messenger　was　admitted。　　I　took　the　envelope　from　his　hand；　opened　it；　and　read：


HAGERSTOWN　17th

To__________　H　______

Capt　H______　wounded　shot　through　the　neck　thought　not　mortal　at　Keedysville

WILLIAM　G。　LEDUC


Through　the　neck；no　bullet　left　in　wound。　　Windpipe；　food…pipe；　carotid；　jugular；　half　a　dozen　smaller；　but　still　formidable　vessels；　a　great　braid　of　nerves；　each　as　big　as　a　lamp…wick；　spinal　cord；　ought　to　kill　at　once；　if　at　all。　　Thought　not　mortal；　or　not　thought　mortal；which　was　it？　　The　first；　that　is　better　than　the　second　would　be。　　…〃Keedysville；　a　post…office；　Washington　Co。；　Maryland。〃　Leduc？　　Leduc？　　Don't　remember　that　name。　　The　boy　is　waiting　for　his　money。　　A　dollar　and　thirteen　cents。　　Has　nobody　got　thirteen　cents？　Don't　keep　that　boy　waiting；how　do　we　know　what　messages　he　has　got　to　carry？

The　boy　had　another　message　to　carry。　　It　was　to　the　father　of　Lieutenant…Colonel　Wilder　Dwight；　informing　him　that　his　son　was　grievously　wounded　in　the　same　battle；　and　was　lying　at　Boonsborough；　a　town　a　few　miles　this　side　of　Keedysville。　　This　I　learned　the　next　morning　from　the　civil　and　attentive　officials　at　the　Central　Telegraph　Office。

Calling　upon　this　gentleman；　I　found　that　he　meant　to　leave　in　the　quarter　past　two　o'clock　train；　taking　with　him　Dr。　George　H。　Gay；　an　accomplished　and　energetic　surgeon；　equal　to　any　difficult　question　or　pressing　emergency。　　I　agreed　to　accompany　them；　and　we　met　in　the　cars。　　I　felt　myself　peculiarly　fortunate　in　having　companions　whose　society　would　be　a　pleasure；　whose　feelings　would　harmonize　with　my　own；　and　whose　assistance　I　might；　in　case　of　need；　be　glad　to　claim。

It　is　of　the　journey　which　we　began　together；　and　which　I　finished　apart；　that　I　mean　to　give　my　〃Atlantic〃　readers　an　account。　　They　must　let　me　tell　my　story　in　my　own　way；　speaking　of　many　little　matters　that　interested　or　amused　me；　and　which　a　certain　leisurely　class　of　elderly　persons；　who　sit　at　their　firesides　and　never　travel；　will；　I　hope；　follow　with　a　kind　of　interest。　　For；　besides　the　main　object　of　my　excursion；　I　could　not　help　being　excited　by　the　incidental　sights　and　occurrences　of　a　trip　which　to　a　commercial　traveller　or　a　newspaper…reporter　would　seem　quite　commonplace　and　undeserving　of　record。　　There　are　periods　in　which　all　places　and　people　seem　to　be　in　a　conspiracy　to　impress　us　with　their　individuality；　in　which　every　ordinary　locality　seems　to　assume　a　special　significance　and　to　claim　a　particular　notice；　in　which　every　person　we　meet　is　either　an　old　acquaintance　or　a　character；　days　in　which　the　strangest　coincidences　are　continually　happening；　so　that　they　get　to　be　the　rule；　and　not　the　exception。　　Some　might　naturally　think　that　anxiety　and　the　weariness　of　a　prolonged　search　after　a　near　relative　would　have　prevented　my　taking　any　interest　in　or　paying　any　regard　to　the　little　matters　around　me。　　Perhaps　it　had　just　the　contrary　effect；　and　acted　like　a　diffused　stimulus　upon　the　attention。　　When　all　the　faculties　are　wide…awake　in　pursuit　of　a　single　object；　or　fixed　in　the　spasm　of　an　absorbing　emotion；　they　are　oftentimes　clairvoyant　in　a　marvellous　degree　in　respect　to　many　collateral　things；　as　Wordsworth　has　so　forcibly　illustrated　in　his　sonnet　on　the　Boy　of　Windermere；　and　as　Hawthorne　has　developed　with　such　metaphysical　accuracy　in　that　chapter　of　his　wondrous　story　where　Hester　walks　forth　to　meet　her　punishment。

Be　that　as　it　may；though　I　set　out　with　a　full　and　heavy　heart；　though　many　times　my　blood　chilled　with　what　were　perhaps　needless　and　unwise　fears；　though　I　broke　through　all　my　habits　without　thinking　about　them；　which　is　almost　as　hard　in　certain　circumstances　as　for　one　of　our　young　fellows　to　leave　his　sweetheart　and　go　into　a　Peninsular　campaign；　though　I　did　not　always　know　when　I　was　hungry　nor　discover　that　I　was　thirsting；　though　I　had　a　worrying　ache　and　inward　tremor　underlying　all　the　outward　play　of　the　senses　and　the　mind；　yet　it　is　the　simple　truth　that　I　did　look　out　of　the　car…　windows　with　an　eye　for　all　that　passed；　that　I　did　take　cognizance　of　strange　sights　and　singular　people；　that　I　did　act　much　as　persons　act　from　the　ordinary　promptings　of　curiosity；　and　from　time　to　time　even　laugh　very　much　as　others　do　who　are　attacked　with　a　convulsive　sense　of　the　ridiculous；　the　epilepsy　of　the　diaphragm。

By　a　mutual　compact；　we　talked　little　in　the　cars。　　A　communicative　friend　is　the　greatest　nuisance　to　have　at　one's　side　during　a　railroad　journey；　especially　if　his　conversation　is　stimulating　and　in　itself　agreeable。　　〃A　fast　train　and　a　'slow'　neighbor；〃　is　my　motto。　　Many　times；　when　I　have　got　upon　the　cars；　expecting　to　be　magnetized　into　an　hour　or　two　of　blissful　reverie；　my　thoughts　shaken　up　by　the　vibrations　into　all　sorts　of　new　and　pleasing　patterns；　arranging　themselves　in　curves　and　nodal　points；　like　the　grains　of　sand　in　Chladni's　famous　experiment；fresh　ideas　coming　up　to　the　surface；　as　the　kernels　do　when　a　measure　of　corn　is　jolted　in　a　farmer's　wagon；all　this　without　volition；　the　mechanical　impulse　alone　keeping　the　thoughts　in　motion；　as　the　mere　act　of　carrying　certain　watches　in　the　pocket　keeps　them　wound　up；many　times；　I　say；　just　as　my　brain　was　beginning　to　creep　and　hum　with　this　delicious　locomotive　intoxication；　some　dear　detestable　friend；　cordial；　intelligent；　social；　radiant；　has　come　up　and　sat　down　by　me　and　opened　a　conversation　which　has　broken　my　day…dream；　unharnessed　the　flying　horses　that　were　whirling　along　my　fancies　and　hitched　on　the　old　weary　omnibus…team　of　every…day　associations；　fatigued　my　hearing　and　attention；　exhausted　my　voice；　and　milked　the　breasts　of　my　thought　dry　during　the　hour　when　they　should　have　been　filling　themselves　full　of　fresh　juices。　　My　friends　spared　me　this　trial。

So；　then；　I　sat　by　the　window　and　enjoyed　the　slight　tipsiness　produced　by　short；　limited；　rapid　oscillations；　which　I　take　to　be　the　exhilarating　stage　of　that　condition　which　reaches　hopeless　inebriety　in　what　we　know　as　sea…sickness。　　Where　the　horizon　opened　widely；　it　pleased　me　to　watch　the　curious　effect　of　the　rapid　movement　of　near　objects　contrasted　with　the　slow　motion　of　distant　ones。　　Looking　from　a　right…hand　window；　for　instance；　the　fences　close　by　glide　swiftly　backward；　or　to　the　right；　while　the　distant　hills　not　only　do　not　appear　to　move　backward；　but　look　by　contrast　with　the　fences　near　at　hand　as　if　they　were　moving　forward；　or　to　the　left；　and　thus　the　whole　landscape　becomes　a　mighty　wheel　revolving　about　an　imaginary　axis　somewhere　in　the　middle…distance。

My　companions　proposed　to　stay　at　one　of　the　best…known　and　longest…　established　of　the　New…York　caravansaries；　and　I　accompanied　them。　We　were　particularly　well　lodged；　and　not　uncivilly　treated。　　The　traveller　who　supposes　that　he　is　to　repeat　the　melancholy　experience　of　Shenstone；　and　have　to　sigh　over　the　reflection　that　he　has　found　〃his　warmest　welcome　at　an　inn；〃　has　something　to　learn　at　the　offices　of　the　great　city　hotels。　　The　unheralded　guest　who　is　honored　by　mere　indifference　may　think　himself　blessed　with　singular　good…fortune。　　If　the　despot　of　the　Patent…Annunciator　is　only　mildly　contemptuous　in　his　manner；　let　the　victim　look　upon　it　as　a　personal　favor。　　The　coldest　welcome　that　a　threadbare　curate　ever　got　at　the　door　of　a　bishop's　palace；　the　most　icy　reception　that　a　country　cousin　ever　received　at　the　city　mansion　of　a　mushroom　millionaire；　is　agreeably　tepid；　compared　to　that　which　the　Rhadamanthus　who　dooms　you　to　the　more　or　less　elevated　circle　of　his　inverted　Inferno　vouchsafes；　as　you　step　up　to　enter　your　name　on　his　dog's…eared　register。　　I　have　less　hesitation　in　unburdening　myself　of　this　uncomfortable　statement；　as　on　this　particular　trip　I　met　with　more　than　one　exception　to　the　rule。　　Officials　become　brutalized；　I　suppose；　as　a　matter　of　course。　　One　cannot　expect　an　office　clerk　to　embrace　tenderly　every　stranger　who　comes　in　with　a　carpet…bag；　or　a　telegraph　operator　to　burst　into　tears　over　every　unpleasant　message　he　receives　for　transmission。　　Still；　humanity　is　not　always　totally　extinguished　in　these　persons。　　I　discovered　a　youth　in　a　telegraph　office　of　the　Continental　Hotel；　in　Philadelphia；　who　was　as　pleasant　in　conversation；　and　as　graciously　responsive　to　inoffensive　questions；　as　if　I　had　been　his　childless　opulent　uncle　and　my　will　not　made。

On　the　road　again　the　next　morning；　over　the　ferry；　into　the　cars　with　sliding　panels　and　fixed　windows；　so　that　in　summer　the　whole　side　of　the　car　maybe　made　transparent。　　New　Jersey