dream days(做梦的日子)-第4章
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DREAM DAYS
country； and even as I made for the gate a shrill voice from a window bade
me keep off the flower…beds。 When the gate had swung to behind me
with a vicious click I felt better； and after ten minutes along the road it
began to grow on me that some radical change was needed； that I was in a
blind alley； and that this intolerable state of things must somehow cease。
All that I could do I had already done。 As well…meaning a fellow as ever
stepped was pounding along the road that day； with an exceeding sore
heart； one who only wished to live and let live； in touch with his fellows；
and appreciating what joys life had to offer。 What was wanted now was a
complete change of environment。 Some where in the world； I felt sure；
justice and sympathy still resided。 There were places called pampas； for
instance； that sounded well。 League upon league of grass； with just an
occasional wild horse； and not a relation within the horizon！ To a bruised
spirit this seemed a sane and a healing sort of existence。 There were
other pleasant corners； again； where you dived for pearls and stabbed
sharks in the stomach with your big knife。 No relations would be likely
to come interfering with you when thus blissfully occupied。 And yet I
did not wishjust yetto have done with relations entirely。 They should
be made to feel their position first； to see themselves as they really were；
and to wishwhen it was too latethat they had behaved more properly。
Of all professions； the army seemed to lend itself the most thoroughly
to the scheme。 You enlisted； you followed the drum； you marched；
fought； and ported arms； under strange skies； through unrecorded years。
At last； at long last； your opportunity would come； when the horrors of
war were flickering through the quiet country…side where you were cradled
and bred； but where the memory of you had long been dim。 Folk would
run together； clamorous； palsied with fear； and among the terror…stricken
groups would figure certain aunts。 〃What hope is left us？〃 they would
ask themselves； 〃save in the clemency of the General； the mysterious；
invincible General； of whom men tell such romantic tales？〃 And the
army would march in； and the guns would rattle and leap along the village
street； and； last of all； youyou； the General； the fabled heroyou would
enter； on your coal…black charger； your pale set face seamed by an
interesting sabre…cut。 And thenbut every boy has rehearsed this familiar
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DREAM DAYS
piece a score of times。 You are magnanimous； in finethat goes without
saying； you have a coal…black horse； and a sabre…cut； and you can afford to
be very magnanimous。 But all the same you give them a good talking…to。
This pleasant conceit simply ravished my soul for some twenty
minutes； and then the old sense of injury began to well up afresh； and to
call for new plasters and soothing syrups。 This time I took refuge in
happy thoughts of the sea。 The sea was my real sphere； after all。 On
the sea； in especial； you could combine distinction with lawlessness；
whereas the army seemed to be always weighted by a certain plodding
submission to discipline。 To be sure； by all accounts； the life was at first
a rough one。 But just then I wanted to suffer keenly； I wanted to be a
poor devil of a cabin boy； kicked； beaten； and sworn atfor a time。
Perhaps some hint； some inkling of my sufferings might reach their ears。
In due course the sloop or felucca would turn upit always didthe
rakish…looking craft； black of hull； low in the water； and bristling with
guns； the jolly Roger flapping overhead； and myself for sole commander。
By and by； as usually happened； an East Indiaman would come sailing
along full of relationsnot a necessary relation would be missing。 And
the crew should walk the plank； and the captain should dance from his
own yardarm； and then I would take the passengers in handthat
miserable group of well…known figures cowering on the quarter… deck！
and thenand then the same old performance： the air thick with
magnanimity。 In all the repertory of heroes； none is more truly
magnanimous than your pirate chief。
When at last I brought myself back from the future to the actual
present； I found that these delectable visions had helped me over a longer
stretch of road than I had imagined； and I looked around and took my
bearings。 To the right of me was a long low building of grey stone； new；
and yet not smugly so； new； and yet possessing distinction； marked with a
character that did not depend on lichen or on crumbling semi…effacement
of moulding and mullion。 Strangers might have been puzzled to classify
it； to me； an explorer from earliest years； the place was familiar enough。
Most folk called it 〃The Settlement〃； others； with quite sufficient
conciseness for our neighbourhood； spoke of 〃them there fellows up by
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DREAM DAYS
Halliday's〃； others again； with a hint of derision； named them the
〃monks。〃 This last title I supposed to be intended for satire； and knew to
be fatuously wrong。 I was thoroughly acquainted with monksin books…
…and well knew the cut of their long frocks； their shaven polls； and their
fascinating big dogs； with brandy…bottles round their necks； incessantly
hauling happy travellers out of the snow。 The only dog at the settlement
was an Irish terrier； and the good fellows who owned him； and were
owned by him； in common； wore clothes of the most nondescript order；
and mostly cultivated side…whiskers。 I had wandered up there one day；
searching （as usual） for something I never found； and had been taken in by
them and treated as friend and comrade。 They had made me free of their
ideal little rooms； full of books and pictures； and clean of the antimacassar
taint； they had shown me their chapel； high； hushed； and faintly scented；
beautiful with a strange new beauty born both of what it had and what it
had notthat too familiar dowdiness of common places of worship。 They
had also fed me in their dining…hall； where a long table stood on trestles
plain to view； and all the woodwork was natural； unpainted； healthily
scrubbed； and redolent of the forest it came from。 I brought away from
that visit； and kept by me for many days； a sense of cleanness； of the
freshness that pricks the sensesthe freshness of cool spring water； and
the large swept spaces of the rooms； the red tiles； and the oaken settles；
suggested a comfort that had no connexion with padded upholstery。
On this particular morning I was in much too unsociable a mind for
paying friendly calls。 Still； something in the aspect of the place
harmonised with my humour； and I worked my way round to the back；
where the ground； after affording level enough for a kitchen…garden； broke
steeply away。 Both the word Gothic and the thing itself were still
unknown to me； yet doubtless the architecture of the place； consistent
throughout； accounted for its sense of comradeship in my hour of
disheartenment。 As I mused there； with the low； grey； purposeful…looking
building before me； and thought of my pleasant friends within； and what
good times they always seemed to be having； and how they larked with the
Irish terrier； whose footing was one of a perfect equality； I thought of a
certain look in their faces； as if they had a common purpose and a business；
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DREAM DAYS
and were acting under orders thoroughly recognised and understood。 I
remembered； too； something that Martha had told me； about these same
fellows doing 〃a power o' good；〃 and other hints I had collected vaguely；
of renouncements； rules； self…denials； and the like。 Thereupon； out of the
depths of my morbid soul swam up a new and fascinating idea； and at
once the career of arms seemed over…acted and stale； and piracy； as a
profession； flat and unprofitable。 This； then； or something like it； should
be my vocation and my revenge。 A severer line of business； perhaps；
such as I had read of； something that included black bread and a hair…shirt。
There should be vows； tooirrevocable； blood curdling vows； and an iron
grating。 This iron grating was the most necessary feature of all； for I
intended that on the other side of it my relations should range themselves
I mentally ran over the catalogue； and saw that the whole gang was present；
all in their proper places a sad…eyed row； combined in tristful appeal。
〃We see our error now；〃 they would say； 〃we were always dull dogs； slow
to catch especially in those akin to usthe finer qualities of soul！ We
misunderstood you； misappreciated you； and we own up to it。 And now
〃 〃Alas； my dear friends；〃 I would strike in here； waving towards them
an ascetic handone of the emaciated sort； that lets the light shine through
at the finger…tips〃Alas； you come too late！ This conduct is fitting and
meritorious on your part； and indeed I always expected it of you； sooner or
later； but the die is cast；
