the lily of the valley-第43章

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〃My　angel；〃　she　said；　〃I　can　talk　morality　too　if　I　choose。　I　have

asked　myself　whether　I　commit　a　crime　in　loving　you；　whether　I　violate

the　divine　laws；　and　I　find　that　my　love　for　you　is　both　natural　and

pious。　Why　did　God　create　some　beings　handsomer　than　others　if　not　to

show　us　that　we　ought　to　adore　them？　The　crime　would　be　in　not　loving

you。　This　lady　insults　you　by　confounding　you　with　other　men；　the　laws

of　morality　are　not　applicable　to　you；　for　God　has　created　you　above

them。　Am　I　not　drawing　nearer　to　divine　love　in　loving　you？　will　God

punish　a　poor　woman　for　seeking　the　divine？　Your　great　and　luminous

heart　so　resembles　the　heavens　that　I　am　like　the　gnats　which　flutter

about　the　torches　of　a　fete　and　burn　themselves；　are　they　to　be

punished　for　their　error？　besides；　is　it　an　error？　may　it　not　be　pure

worship　of　the　light？　They　perish　of　too　much　piety；if　you　call　it

perishing　to　fling　one's　self　on　the　breast　of　him　we　love。　I　have　the

weakness　to　love　you；　whereas　that　woman　has　the　strength　to　remain　in

her　Catholic　shrine。　Now；　don't　frown。　You　think　I　wish　her　ill。　No；　I

do　not。　I　adore　the　morality　which　has　led　her　to　leave　you　free；　and

enables　me　to　win　you　and　hold　you　foreverfor　you　are　mine　forever；

are　you　not？〃



〃Yes。〃



〃Forever　and　ever？〃



〃Yes。〃



〃Ah！　I　have　found　favor　in　my　lord！　I　alone　have　understood　his　worth！

She　knows　how　to　cultivate　her　estate；　you　say。　Well；　I　leave　that　to

farmers；　I　cultivate　your　heart。〃



I　try　to　recall　this　intoxicating　babble；　that　I　may　picture　to　you

the　woman　as　she　is；　confirm　all　I　have　said　of　her；　and　let　you　into

the　secret　of　what　happened　later。　But　how　shall　I　describe　the

accompaniment　of　the　words？　She　sought　to　annihilate　by　the　passion　of

her　impetuous　love　the　impressions　left　in　my　heart　by　the　chaste　and

dignified　love　of　my　Henriette。　Lady　Dudley　had　seen　the　countess　as

plainly　as　the　countess　had　seen　her；　each　had　judged　the　other。　The

force　of　Arabella's　attack　revealed　to　me　the　extent　of　her　fear；　and

her　secret　admiration　for　her　rival。　In　the　morning　I　found　her　with

tearful　eyes；　complaining　that　she　had　not　slept。



〃What　troubles　you？〃　I　said。



〃I　fear　that　my　excessive　love　will　ruin　me；〃　she　answered；　〃I　have

given　all。　Wiser　than　I；　that　woman　possesses　something　that　you　still

desire。　If　you　prefer　her；　forget　me；　I　will　not　trouble　you　with　my

sorrows；　my　remorse；　my　sufferings；　no；　I　will　go　far　away　and　die；

like　a　plant　deprived　of　the　life…giving　sun。〃



She　was　able　to　wring　protestations　of　love　from　my　reluctant　lips；

which　filled　her　with　joy。



〃Ah！〃　she　exclaimed；　drying　her　eyes；　〃I　am　happy。　Go　back　to　her；　I

do　not　choose　to　owe　you　to　the　force　of　my　love；　but　to　the　action　of

your　own　will。　If　you　return　here　I　shall　know　that　you　love　me　as

much　as　I　love　you；　the　possibility　of　which　I　have　always　doubted。〃



She　persuaded　me　to　return　to　Clochegourde。　The　false　position　in

which　I　thus　placed　myself　did　not　strike　me　while　still　under　the

influence　of　her　wiles。　Yet；　had　I　refused　to　return　I　should　have

given　Lady　Dudley　a　triumph　over　Henriette。　Arabella　would　then　have

taken　me　to　Paris。　To　go　now　to　Clochegourde　was　an　open　insult　to

Madame　de　Mortsauf；　in　that　case　Arabella　was　sure　of　me。　Did　any

woman　ever　pardon　such　crimes　against　love？　Unless　she　were　an　angel

descended　from　the　skies；　instead　of　a　purified　spirit　ascending　to

them；　a　loving　woman　would　rather　see　her　lover　die　than　know　him

happy　with　another。　Thus；　look　at　it　as　I　would；　my　situation；　after　I

had　once　left　Clochegourde　for　the　Grenadiere；　was　as　fatal　to　the

love　of　my　choice　as　it　was　profitable　to　the　transient　love　that　held

me。　Lady　Dudley　had　calculated　all　this　with　consummate　cleverness。

She　owned　to　me　later　that　if　she　had　not　met　Madame　de　Mortsauf　on

the　moor　she　had　intended　to　compromise　me　by　haunting　Clochegourde

until　she　did　so。



When　I　met　the　countess　that　morning；　and　found　her　pale　and　depressed

like　one　who　has　not　slept　all　night；　I　was　conscious　of　exercising

the　instinctive　perception　given　to　hearts　still　fresh　and　generous　to

show　them　the　true　bearing　of　actions　little　regarded　by　the　world　at

large；　but　judged　as　criminal　by　lofty　spirits。　Like　a　child　going

down　a　precipice　in　play　and　gathering　flowers；　who　sees　with　dread

that　it　can　never　climb　that　height　again；　feels　itself　alone；　with

night　approaching；　and　hears　the　howls　of　animals；　so　I　now　knew　that

she　and　I　were　separated　by　a　universe。　A　wail　arose　within　our　souls

like　an　echo　of　that　woeful　〃Consummatum　est〃　heard　in　the　churches　on

Good　Friday　at　the　hour　the　Saviour　died；a　dreadful　scene　which　awes

young　souls　whose　first　love　is　religion。　All　Henriette's　illusions

were　killed　at　one　blow；　her　heart　had　endured　its　passion。　She　did

not　look　at　me；　she　refused　me　the　light　that　for　six　long　years　had

shone　upon　my　life。　She　knew　well　that　the　spring　of　the　effulgent

rays　shed　by　our　eyes　was　in　our　souls；　to　which　they　served　as

pathways　to　reach　each　other；　to　blend　them　in　one；　meeting；　parting；

playing；　like　two　confiding　women　who　tell　each　other　all。　Bitterly　I

felt　the　wrong　of　bringing　beneath　this　roof；　where　pleasure　was

unknown；　a　face　on　which　the　wings　of　pleasure　had　shaken　their

prismatic　dust。　If；　the　night　before；　I　had　allowed　Lady　Dudley　to

depart　alone；　if　I　had　then　returned　to　Clochegourde；　where；　it　may

be；　Henriette　awaited　me；　perhapsperhaps　Madame　de　Mortsauf　might

not　so　cruelly　have　resolved　to　be　my　sister。　But　now　she　paid　me　many

ostentatious　attentions；playing　her　part　vehemently　for　the　very

purpose　of　not　changing　it。　During　breakfast　she　showed　me　a　thousand

civilities；　humiliating　attentions；　caring　for　me　as　though　I　were　a

sick　man　whose　fate　she　pitied。



〃You　were　out　walking　early；〃　said　the　count；　〃I　hope　you　have　brought

back　a　good　appetite；　you　whose　stomach　is　not　yet　destroyed。〃



This　remark；　which　brought　the　smile　of　a　sister　to　Henriette's　lips；

completed　my　sense　of　the　ridicule　of　my　position。　It　was　impossible

to　be　at　Clochegourde　by　day　and　Saint…Cyr　by　night。　During　the　day　I

felt　how　difficult　it　was　to　become　the　friend　of　a　woman　we　have　long

loved。　The　transition；　easy　enough　when　years　have　brought　it　about；

is　like　an　illness　in　youth。　I　was　ashamed；　I　cursed　the　pleasure　Lady

Dudley　gave　me；　I　wished　that　Henriette　would　demand　my　blood。　I　could

not　tear　her　rival　in　pieces　before　her；　for　she　avoided　speaking　of

her；　indeed；　had　I　spoken　of　Arabella；　Henriette；　noble　and　sublime　to

the　inmost　recesses　of　her　heart；　would　have　despised　my　infamy。　After

five　years　of　delightful　intercourse　we　now　had　nothing　to　say　to　each

other；　our　words　had　no　connection　with　our　thoughts；　we　were　hiding

from　each　other　our　intolerable　pain；we；　whose　mutual　sufferings　had

been　our　first　interpreter。



Henriette　assumed　a　cheerful　look　for　me　as　for　herself；　but　she　was

sad。　She　spoke　of　herself　as　my　sister；　and　yet　found　no　ground　on

which　to　converse；　and　we　remained　for　the　greater　part　of　the　time　in

constrained　silence。　She　increased　my　inward　misery　by　feigning　to

believe　that　she　was　the　only　victim。



〃I　suffer　more　than　you；〃　I　said　to　her　at　a　moment　when　my　self…

styled　sister　was　betrayed　into　a　feminine　sarcasm。



〃How　so？〃　she　said　haughtily。



〃Because　I　am　the　one　to　blame。〃



At　last　her　manner　became　so　cold　and　indifferent　that　I　resolved　to

leave　Clochegourde。　That　evening；　on　the　terrace；　I　said　farewell　to

the　whole　family；　who　were　there　assembled。　They　all　followed　me　to

the　lawn　where　my　horse　was　waiting。　The　countess　came　to　me　as　I　took

the　bridle　in　my　hand。



〃Let　us　walk　down　the　avenue　together；　alone；〃　she　said。



I　gave　her　my　arm；　and　we　passed　through　the　courtyard　with　slow　and

measured　steps；　as　though　our　rhythmic　movement　were　consoling　to　us。

When　we　reached　the　grove　of　trees　which　forms　a　corner　of　the

boundary　she　stopped。



〃Farewell；　my　friend；〃　she　said；　throwing　her　head　upon　my　breast　and

her　arms　around　my　neck；　〃Farewell；　we　shall　never　meet　again。　God　has

given　me　the　sad　power　to　look　into　the　future。　Do　you　remember　the

terror　that　seized　me　the　day　you　first　came　back；　so　young；　so

handsome！　and　I　saw　you　turn　your　back　on　me　as　you　do　this　day　when

you　are　leaving　Clochegourde　and　going　to　Saint…Cyr？　Well；　once　again；

during　the　past　night　I　have　seen　into　the　future。　Friend；　we　are

speaking　together　for　the　last　time。　I　can　hardly　now　say　a　few　words

to　you；　for　it　is　but　a　part　of　me　that　speaks　at　all。　Death　has

already　seized　on　something　in　me。　You　have　taken　the　mother　from　her

children；　I　now　ask　you　to　take　her　place　to　them。　You　can；　Jacques

and　Madeleine　love　youas　if　you　had　always　made　them　suffer。〃



〃Death！〃　I　cried；　frightened　as　I　looked　at　her　and　beheld　the　fire　of

her　shining　eyes；　of　which　I　can　give　no　idea　to　those　who　have　never

known　their　dear　ones　struck　down　by　her　fatal　malady；　unless　I

compare　those　eyes　to　balls　of　burnished　silver。　〃Die！〃　I　said。

〃Henriette；　I　command　you　to　live。　You　used　to　ask　an　oath　of　me；　I

now　ask　one　of　you。　Swear　to　me　that　you　will　send　for　Origet　and　obey

him　in　everything。〃



〃Would　you　oppose　the　mercy　of　God？〃　she　said；　interrupting　me　with　a

cry　of　despair　at　being　thus　misunderstood。



〃You　do　not　love　me　enough　to　obey　me　blindly；　as　that　miserable　Lady

Dudley　does？〃



〃Yes；　yes；　I　will　do　all　you　ask；〃　she　cried；　goaded　by　jealousy。



〃Then　I　stay；〃　I　said；　kissing　her　on　the　eyelids。



Frightened　at　the　words；　she　escaped　from　my　arms　and　leaned　against　a

tree；　then　she　turned　and　walked　rapidly　homeward　without　looking

back。　But　I　followed　her；　she　was　weeping　and　praying。　When　we　reached

the　lawn　I　took　her　hand　and　kissed　it　respectfully。　This　submission

touched　her。



〃I　am　yoursforever；　and　as　you　will；〃　I　said；　〃for　I　love　you　as

your　aunt　loved　you。〃




She　trembled　and　wrung　my　hand。



〃One　look；〃　I　said；　〃one　more；　one　last　of　our　old　looks！　The　woman

who　gives　herself　wholly；〃　I　cried；　my　soul　illumined　by　the　glance

she　gave　me；　〃gives　less　of　life　and　soul　than　I　have　now　received。

Henriette；　thou　art　my　best…belovedmy　only　love。〃



〃I　shall　live！〃　she　said；　〃but　cure　yourself　as　well。〃



That　look　had　effaced　the　memory　of　Arabella's　sarcasms。　Thus　I　was

the　plaything　of　the　two　irreconcilable　passions　I　have　now　described

to　you；　I　was　influenced　by　each　alternately。　I　loved　an　angel　and　a

demon；　two　women　equally　beautiful；one　adorned　with　all　the　virtues

which　we　decry　through　hatred　of　our　own　imperfections；　the　other　with

all　the　vices　which　we　deify　through　selfishness。　Returning　along　that

avenue；　looking　back　again　and　again　at　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　as　she

leaned　against　a　tree　surrounded　by