the lily of the valley-第39章

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of　souls。　The　countess　had　trod　each　round　of　the　ladder　of　pain；　but；

for　that　very　reason；　the　kindest　of　women　was　now　as　cruel　as　she　was

once　beneficent。　I　looked　at　Henriette；　but　she　averted　her　head。　I

went　to　my　new　room；　which　was　pretty；　white　and　green。　Once　there　I

burst　into　tears。　Henriette　heard　me　as　she　entered　with　a　bunch　of

flowers　in　her　hand。



〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃will　you　never　forgive　a　wrong　that　is　indeed

excusable？〃



〃Do　not　call　me　Henriette；〃　she　said。　〃She　no　longer　exists；　poor

soul；　but　you　may　feel　sure　of　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　a　devoted　friend；

who　will　listen　to　you　and　who　will　love　you。　Felix；　we　will　talk　of

these　things　later。　If　you　have　still　any　tenderness　for　me　let　me

grow　accustomed　to　seeing　you。　Whenever　words　will　not　rend　my　heart；

if　the　day　should　ever　come　when　I　recover　courage；　I　will　speak　to

you；　but　not　till　then。　Look　at　the　valley；〃　she　said；　pointing　to　the

Indre；　〃it　hurts　me；　I　love　it　still。〃



〃Ah；　perish　England　and　all　her　women！　I　will　send　my　resignation　to

the　king；　I　will　live　and　die　here；　pardoned。〃



〃No；　love　her；　love　that　woman！　Henriette　is　not。　This　is　no　play；　and

you　should　know　it。〃



She　left　the　room；　betraying　by　the　tone　of　her　last　words　the　extent

of　her　wounds。　I　ran　after　her　and　held　her　back；　saying；　〃Do　you　no

longer　love　me？〃



〃You　have　done　me　more　harm　than　all　my　other　troubles　put　together。

To…day　I　suffer　less；　therefore　I　love　you　less。　Be　kind；　do　not

increase　my　pain；　if　you　suffer；　remember　thatIlive。〃



She　withdrew　her　hand；　which　I　held；　cold；　motionless；　but　moist；　in

mine；　and　darted　like　an　arrow　through　the　corridor　in　which　this

scene　of　actual　tragedy　took　place。



At　dinner；　the　count　subjected　me　to　a　torture　I　had　little　expected。

〃So　the　Marchioness　of　Dudley　is　not　in　Paris？〃　he　said。



I　blushed　excessively；　but　answered；　〃No。〃



〃She　is　not　in　Tours；〃　continued　the　count。



〃She　is　not　divorced；　and　she　can　go　back　to　England。　Her　husband

would　be　very　glad　if　she　would　return　to　him；〃　I　said；　eagerly。



〃Has　she　children？〃　asked　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　in　a　changed　voice。



〃Two　sons；〃　I　replied。



〃Where　are　they？〃



〃In　England；　with　their　father。〃



〃Come；　Felix；〃　interposed　the　count；　〃be　frank；　is　she　as　handsome　as

they　say？〃



〃How　can　you　ask　him　such　a　question？〃　cried　the　countess。　〃Is　not　the

woman　you　love　always　the　handsomest　of　women？〃



〃Yes；　always；〃　I　said；　firmly；　with　a　glance　which　she　could　not

sustain。



〃You　are　a　happy　fellow；〃　said　the　count；　〃yes；　a　very　happy　one。　Ha！

in　my　young　days；　I　should　have　gone　mad　over　such　a　conquest〃



〃Hush！〃　said　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　reminding　the　count　of　Madeleine　by　a

look。



〃I　am　not　a　child；〃　he　said。



When　we　left　the　table　I　followed　the　countess　to　the　terrace。　When　we

were　alone　she　exclaimed；　〃How　is　it　possible　that　some　women　can

sacrifice　their　children　to　a　man？　Wealth；　position；　the　world；　I　can

conceive　of；　eternity？　yes；　possibly；　but　children！　deprive　one's　self

of　one's　children！〃



〃Yes；　and　such　women　would　give　even　more　if　they　had　it；　they

sacrifice　everything。〃



The　world　was　suddenly　reversed　before　her；　her　ideas　became　confused。

The　grandeur　of　that　thought　struck　her；　a　suspicion　entered　her　mind

that　sacrifice；　immolation　justified　happiness；　the　echo　of　her　own

inward　cry　for　love　came　back　to　her；　she　stood　dumb　in　presence　of

her　wasted　life。　Yes；　for　a　moment　horrible　doubts　possessed　her；　then

she　rose；　grand　and　saintly；　her　head　erect。



〃Love　her　well；　Felix；〃　she　said；　with　tears　in　her　eyes；　〃she　shall

be　my　happy　sister。　I　will　forgive　her　the　harm　she　has　done　me　if　she

gives　you　what　you　could　not　have　here。　You　are　right；　I　have　never

told　you　that　I　loved　you；　and　I　never　have　loved　you　as　the　world

loves。　But　if　she　is　a　mother　how　can　she　love　you　so？〃



〃Dear　saint；〃　I　answered；　〃I　must　be　less　moved　than　I　am　now；　before

I　can　explain　to　you　how　it　is　that　you　soar　victoriously　above　her。

She　is　a　woman　of　earth；　the　daughter　of　decaying　races；　you　are　the

child　of　heaven；　an　angel　worthy　of　worship；　you　have　my　heart；　she　my

flesh　only。　She　knows　this　and　it　fills　her　with　despair；　she　would

change　parts　with　you　even　though　the　cruellest　martyrdom　were　the

price　of　the　change。　But　all　is　irremediable。　To　you　the　soul；　to　you

the　thoughts；　the　love　that　is　pure；　to　you　youth　and　old　age；　to　her

the　desires　and　joys　of　passing　passion；　to　you　remembrance　forever；

to　her　oblivion〃



〃Tell　me；　tell　me　that　again；　oh；　my　friend！〃　she　turned　to　a　bench

and　sat　down；　bursting　into　tears。　〃If　that　be　so；　Felix；　virtue；

purity　of　life；　a　mother's　love；　are　not　mistakes。　Oh；　pour　that　balm

upon　my　wounds！　Repeat　the　words　which　bear　me　back　to　heaven；　where

once　I　longed　to　rise　with　you。　Bless　me　by　a　look；　by　a　sacred　word；

I　forgive　you　for　the　sufferings　you　have　caused　me　the　last　two

months。〃



〃Henriette；　there　are　mysteries　in　the　life　of　men　of　which　you　know

nothing。　I　met　you　at　an　age　when　the　feelings　of　the　heart　stifle　the

desires　implanted　in　our　nature；　but　many　scenes；　the　memory　of　which

will　kindle　my　soul　to　the　hour　of　death；　must　have　told　you　that　this

age　was　drawing　to　a　close；　and　it　was　your　constant　triumph　still　to

prolong　its　mute　delights。　A　love　without　possession　is　maintained　by

the　exasperation　of　desire；　but　there　comes　a　moment　when　all　is

suffering　within　usfor　in　this　we　have　no　resemblance　to　you。　We

possess　a　power　we　cannot　abdicate；　or　we　cease　to　be　men。　Deprived　of

the　nourishment　it　needs；　the　heart　feeds　upon　itself；　feeling　an

exhaustion　which　is　not　death；　but　which　precedes　it。　Nature　cannot

long　be　silenced；　some　trifling　accident　awakens　it　to　a　violence　that

seems　like　madness。　No；　I　have　not　loved；　but　I　have　thirsted　in　the

desert。〃



〃The　desert！〃　she　said　bitterly；　pointing　to　the　valley。　〃Ah！〃　she

exclaimed；　〃how　he　reasons！　what　subtle　distinctions！　Faithful　hearts

are　not　so　learned。〃



〃Henriette；〃　I　said；　〃do　not　quarrel　with　me　for　a　chance　expression。

No；　my　soul　has　not　vacillated；　but　I　have　not　been　master　of　my

senses。　That　woman　is　not　ignorant　that　you　are　the　only　one　I　ever

loved。　She　plays　a　secondary　part　in　my　life；　she　knows　it　and　is

resigned。　I　have　the　right　to　leave　her　as　men　leave　courtesans。〃



〃And　then？〃



〃She　tells　me　that　she　will　kill　herself；〃　I　answered；　thinking　that

this　resolve　would　startle　Henriette。　But　when　she　heard　it　a

disdainful　smile；　more　expressive　than　the　thoughts　it　conveyed；

flickered　on　her　lips。　〃My　dear　conscience；〃　I　continued；　〃if　you

would　take　into　account　my　resistance　and　the　seductions　that　led　to

my　fall　you　would　understand　the　fatal〃



〃Yes；　fatal！〃　she　cried。　〃I　believed　in　you　too　much。　I　believed　you

capable　of　the　virtue　a　priest　practises。　All　is　over；〃　she　continued；

after　a　pause。　〃I　owe　you　much；　my　friend；　you　have　extinguished　in　me

the　fires　of　earthly　life。　The　worst　of　the　way　is　over；　age　is　coming

on。　I　am　ailing　now；　soon　I　may　be　ill；　I　can　never　be　the　brilliant

fairy　who　showers　you　with　favors。　Be　faithful　to　Lady　Dudley。

Madeleine；　whom　I　was　training　to　be　yours；　ah！　who　will　have　her　now？

Poor　Madeleine；　poor　Madeleine！〃　she　repeated；　like　the　mournful

burden　of　a　song。　〃I　would　you　had　heard　her　say　to　me　when　you　came：

'Mother；　you　are　not　kind　to　Felix！'　Dear　creature！〃



She　looked　at　me　in　the　warm　rays　of　the　setting　sun　as　they　glided

through　the　foliage。　Seized　with　compassion　for　the　shipwreck　of　our

lives　she　turned　back　to　memories　of　our　pure　past；　yielding　to

meditations　which　were　mutual。　We　were　silent；　recalling　past　scenes；

our　eyes　went　from　the　valley　to　the　fields；　from　the　windows　of

Clochegourde　to　those　of　Frapesle；　peopling　the　dream　with　my

bouquets；　the　fragrant　language　of　our　desires。　It　was　her　last　hour

of　pleasure；　enjoyed　with　the　purity　of　her　Catholic　soul。　This　scene；

so　grand　to　each　of　us；　cast　its　melancholy　on　both。　She　believed　my

words；　and　saw　where　I　placed　herin　the　skies。



〃My　friend；〃　she　said；　〃I　obey　God；　for　his　hand　is　in　all　this。〃



I　did　not　know　until　much　later　the　deep　meaning　of　her　words。　We

slowly　returned　up　the　terraces。　She　took　my　arm　and　leaned　upon　it

resignedly；　bleeding　still；　but　with　a　bandage　on　her　wound。



〃Human　life　is　thus；〃　she　said。　〃What　had　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　done　to

deserve　his　fate？　It　proves　the　existence　of　a　better　world。　Alas；　for

those　who　walk　in　happier　ways！〃



She　went　on；　estimating　life　so　truly；　considering　its　diverse　aspects

so　profoundly　that　these　cold　judgments　revealed　to　me　the　disgust

that　had　come　upon　her　for　all　things　here　below。　When　we　reached　the

portico　she　dropped　my　arm　and　said　these　last　words：　〃If　God　has

given　us　the　sentiment　and　the　desire　for　happiness　ought　he　not　to

take　charge　himself　of　innocent　souls　who　have　found　sorrow　only　in

this　low　world？　Either　that　must　be　so；　or　God　is　not；　and　our　life　is

no　more　than　a　cruel　jest。〃



She　entered　and　turned　the　house　quickly；　I　found　her　on　the　sofa；

crouching；　as　though　blasted　by　the　voice　which　flung　Saul　to　the

ground。



〃What　is　the　matter？〃　I　asked。



〃I　no　longer　know　what　is　virtue；〃　she　replied；　〃I　have　no

consciousness　of　my　own。〃



We　were　silent；　petrified；　listening　to　the　echo　of　those　words　which

fell　like　a　stone　cast　into　a　gulf。



〃If　I　am　mistaken　in　my　life　SHE　is　right　in　HERS；〃　Henriette　said　at

last。



Thus　her　last　struggle　followed　her　last　happiness。　When　the　count

came　in　she　complained　of　illness；　she　who　never　complained。　I

conjured　her　to　tell　me　exactly　where　she　suffered；　but　she　refused　to

explain　and　went　to　bed；　leaving　me　a　prey　to　unending　remorse。

Madeleine　went　with　her　mother；　and　the　next　day　I　heard　that　the

countess　had　been　seized　with　nausea；　caused；　she　said；　by　the　violent

excitements　of　that　day。　Thus　I；　who　longed　to　give　my　life　for　hers；

I　was　killing　her。



〃Dear　count；〃　I　said　to　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　who　obliged　me　to　play

backgammon；　〃I　think　the　countess　very　seriously　ill。　There　is　still

time　to　save　her；　pray　send　for　Origet；　and　persuade　her　to　follow　his

advice。〃



〃Origet；　who　half　killed　me？〃　cried　the　count。　〃No；　no；　I'll　consult

Carbonneau。〃



During　this　week；　especially　the　first　days　of　it；　everything　was

anguish　to　methe　beginning　of　paralysis　of　the　heartmy　vanity　was

mortified；　my　soul　rent。　One　must　needs　have　been　the　centre　of　all

looks　and　aspirations；　the　mainspring　of　the　life　about　him；　the　torch

from　which　all　others　drew　their　light；　to　understand　the　horror　of

the　void　that　was　now　about　me。　All　things　were　there；　the　same；　but

the　spirit　that　gave　life　to　them　was　extinct；　like　a　blown…out　flame。

I　now　understood　th