the lily of the valley-第12章

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result　of　our　games　was　a　topic　of　discourse　on　which　he　fastened。



〃My　poor　head；〃　he　would　say；　〃is　fatigued；　you　manage　to　win　the　last

of　the　game　because　by　that　time　I　lose　my　skill。〃



The　countess；　who　knew　backgammon；　understood　my　manoeuvres　from　the

first；　and　gave　me　those　mute　thanks　which　swell　the　heart　of　a　young

man；　she　granted　me　the　same　look　she　gave　to　her　children。　From　that

ever…blessed　evening　she　always　looked　at　me　when　she　spoke。　I　cannot

explain　to　you　the　condition　I　was　in　when　I　left　her。　My　soul　had

annihilated　my　body；　it　weighed　nothing；　I　did　not　walk；　I　flew。　That

look　I　carried　within　me；　it　bathed　me　with　light　just　as　her　last

words；　〃Adieu；　monsieur；〃　still　sounded　in　my　soul　with　the　harmonies

of　〃O　filii；　o　filioe〃　in　the　paschal　choir。　I　was　born　into　a　new

life；　I　was　something　to　her！　I　slept　on　purple　and　fine　linen。　Flames

darted　before　my　closed　eyelids；　chasing　each　other　in　the　darkness

like　threads　of　fire　in　the　ashes　of　burned　paper。　In　my　dreams　her

voice　became；　though　I　cannot　describe　it；　palpable；　an　atmosphere　of

light　and　fragrance　wrapping　me；　a　melody　enfolding　my　spirit。　On　the

morrow　her　greeting　expressed　the　fulness　of　feelings　that　remained

unuttered；　and　from　that　moment　I　was　initiated　into　the　secrets　of

her　voice。



That　day　was　to　be　one　of　the　most　decisive　of　my　life。　After　dinner

we　walked　on　the　heights　across　a　barren　plain　where　no　herbage　grew；

the　ground　was　stony；　arid；　and　without　vegetable　soil　of　any　kind；

nevertheless　a　few　scrub　oaks　and　thorny　bushes　straggled　there；　and

in　place　of　grass；　a　carpet　of　crimped　mosses；　illuminated　by　the

setting　sun　and　so　dry　that　our　feet　slipped　upon　it。　I　held　Madeleine

by　the　hand　to　keep　her　up。　Madame　de　Mortsauf　was　leading　Jacques。

The　count；　who　was　in　front；　suddenly　turned　round　and　striking　the

earth　with　his　cane　said　to　me　in　a　dreadful　tone：　〃Such　is　my　life！

but　before　I　knew　you；〃　he　added　with　a　look　of　penitence　at　his　wife。

The　reparation　was　tardy；　for　the　countess　had　turned　pale；　what　woman

would　not　have　staggered　as　she　did　under　the　blow？



〃But　what　delightful　scenes　are　wafted　here；　and　what　a　view　of　the

sunset！〃　I　cried。　〃For　my　part　I　should　like　to　own　this　barren　moor；

I　fancy　there　may　be　treasures　if　we　dig　for　them。　But　its　greatest

wealth　is　that　of　being　near　you。　Who　would　not　pay　a　great　cost　for

such　a　view？all　harmony　to　the　eye；　with　that　winding　river　where

the　soul　may　bathe　among　the　ash…trees　and　the　alders。　See　the

difference　of　taste！　To　you　this　spot　of　earth　is　a　barren　waste；　to

me；　it　is　paradise。〃



She　thanked　me　with　a　look。



〃Bucolics！〃　exclaimed　the　count；　with　a　bitter　look。　〃This　is　no　life

for　a　man　who　bears　your　name。〃　Then　he　suddenly　changed　his　tone

〃The　bells！〃　he　cried；　〃don't　you　hear　the　bells　of　Azay？　I　hear　them

ringing。〃



Madame　de　Mortsauf　gave　me　a　frightened　look。　Madeleine　clung　to　my

hand。



〃Suppose　we　play　a　game　of　backgammon？〃　I　said。　〃Let　us　go　back；　the

rattle　of　the　dice　will　drown　the　sound　of　the　bells。〃



We　returned　to　Clochegourde；　conversing　by　fits　and　starts。　Once　in

the　salon　an　indefinable　uncertainty　and　dread　took　possession　of　us。

The　count　flung　himself　into　an　armchair；　absorbed　in　reverie；　which

his　wife；　who　knew　the　symptoms　of　his　malady　and　could　foresee　an

outbreak；　was　careful　not　to　interrupt。　I　also　kept　silence。　As　she

gave　me　no　hint　to　leave；　perhaps　she　thought　backgammon　might　divert

the　count's　mind　and　quiet　those　fatal　nervous　susceptibilities；　the

excitements　of　which　were　killing　him。　Nothing　was　ever　harder　than　to

make　him　play　that　game；　which；　however；　he　had　a　great　desire　to

play。　Like　a　pretty　woman；　he　always　required　to　be　coaxed；　entreated；

forced；　so　that　he　might　not　seem　the　obliged　person。　If　by　chance；

being　interested　in　the　conversation；　I　forgot　to　propose　it；　he　grew

sulky；　bitter；　insulting；　and　spoiled　the　talk　by　contradicting

everything。　If；　warned　by　his　ill…humor；　I　suggested　a　game；　he　would

dally　and　demur。　〃In　the　first　place；　it　is　too　late；〃　he　would　say；

〃besides；　I　don't　care　for　it。〃　Then　followed　a　series　of　affectations

like　those　of　women；　which　often　leave　you　in　ignorance　of　their　real

wishes。



On　this　occasion　I　pretended　a　wild　gaiety　to　induce　him　to　play。　He

complained　of　giddiness　which　hindered　him　from　calculating；　his

brain；　he　said；　was　squeezed　into　a　vice；　he　heard　noises；　he　was

choking；　and　thereupon　he　sighed　heavily。　At　last；　however；　he

consented　to　the　game。　Madame　de　Mortsauf　left　us　to　put　the　children

to　bed　and　lead　the　household　in　family　prayers。　All　went　well　during

her　absence；　I　allowed　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　to　win；　and　his　delight

seemed　to　put　him　beside　himself。　This　sudden　change　from　a　gloom　that

led　him　to　make　the　darkest　predictions　to　the　wild　joy　of　a　drunken

man；　expressed　in　a　crazy　laugh　and　without　any　adequate　motive；

distressed　and　alarmed　me。　I　had　never　seen　him　in　quite　so　marked　a

paroxysm。　Our　intimacy　had　borne　fruits　in　the　fact　that　he　no　longer

restrained　himself　before　me。　Day　by　day　he　had　endeavored　to　bring　me

under　his　tyranny；　and　obtain　fresh　food；　as　it　were；　for　his　evil

temper；　for　it　really　seems　as　though　moral　diseases　were　creatures

with　appetites　and　instincts；　seeking　to　enlarge　the　boundaries　of

their　empire　as　a　landowner　seeks　to　increase　his　domain。



Presently　the　countess　came　down；　and　sat　close　to　the　backgammon

table；　apparently　for　better　light　on　her　embroidery；　though　the

anxiety　which　led　her　to　place　her　frame　was　ill…concealed。　A　piece　of

fatal　ill…luck　which　I　could　not　prevent　changed　the　count's　face；

from　gaiety　it　fell　to　gloom；　from　purple　it　became　yellow；　and　his

eyes　rolled。　Then　followed　worse　ill…luck；　which　I　could　neither　avert

nor　repair。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　made　a　fatal　throw　which　decided　the

game。　Instantly　he　sprang　up；　flung　the　table　at　me　and　the　lamp　on

the　floor；　struck　the　chimney…piece　with　his　fist　and　jumped；　for　I

cannot　say　he　walked；　about　the　room。　The　torrent　of　insults；

imprecations；　and　incoherent　words　which　rushed　from　his　lips　would

have　made　an　observer　think　of　the　old　tales　of　satanic　possession　in

the　Middle　Ages。　Imagine　my　position！



〃Go　into　the　garden；〃　said　the　countess；　pressing　my　hand。



I　left　the　room　before　the　count　could　notice　my　disappearance。　On　the

terrace；　where　I　slowly　walked　about；　I　heard　his　shouts　and　then　his

moans　from　the　bedroom　which　adjoined　the　dining…room。　Also　I　heard　at

intervals　through　that　tempest　of　sound　the　voice　of　an　angel；　which

rose　like　the　song　of　a　nightingale　as　the　rain　ceases。　I　walked　about

under　the　acacias　in　the　loveliest　night　of　the　month　of　August；

waiting　for　the　countess　to　join　me。　I　knew　she　would　come；　her

gesture　promised　it。　For　several　days　an　explanation　seemed　to　float

between　us；　a　word　would　suffice　to　send　it　gushing　from　the　spring；

overfull；　in　our　souls。　What　timidity　had　thus　far　delayed　a　perfect

understanding　between　us？　Perhaps　she　loved；　as　I　did；　these

quiverings　of　the　spirit　which　resembled　emotions　of　fear　and　numbed

the　sensibilities　while　we　held　our　life　unuttered　within　us；

hesitating　to　unveil　its　secrets　with　the　modesty　of　the　young　girl

before　the　husband　she　loves。　An　hour　passed。　I　was　sitting　on　the

brick　balustrade　when　the　sound　of　her　footsteps　blending　with　the

undulating　ripple　of　her　flowing　gown　stirred　the　calm　air　of　the

night。　These　are　sensations　to　which　the　heart　suffices　not。



〃Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　is　sleeping；〃　she　said。　〃When　he　is　thus　I　give

him　an　infusion　of　poppies；　a　cup　of　water　in　which　a　few　poppies　have

been　steeped；　the　attacks　are　so　infrequent　that　this　simple　remedy

never　loses　its　effectMonsieur；〃　she　continued；　changing　her　tone

and　using　the　most　persuasive　inflexion　of　her　voice；　〃this　most

unfortunate　accident　has　revealed　to　you　a　secret　which　has　hitherto

been　sedulously　kept；　promise　me　to　bury　the　recollection　of　that

scene。　Do　this　for　my　sake；　I　beg　of　you。　I　don't　ask　you　to　swear　it；

give　me　your　word　of　honor　and　I　shall　be　content。〃



〃Need　I　give　it　to　you？〃　I　said。　〃Do　we　not　understand　each　other？〃



〃You　must　not　judge　unfavorably　of　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　you　see　the

effects　of　his　many　sufferings　under　the　emigration；〃　she　went　on。

〃To…morrow　he　will　entirely　forget　all　that　he　has　said　and　done；　you

will　find　him　kind　and　excellent　as　ever。〃



〃Do　not　seek　to　excuse　him；　madame；〃　I　replied。　〃I　will　do　all　you

wish。　I　would　fling　myself　into　the　Indre　at　this　moment　if　I　could

restore　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　health　and　ensure　you　a　happy　life。　The

only　thing　I　cannot　change　is　my　opinion。　I　can　give　you　my　life；　but

not　my　convictions；　I　can　pay　no　heed　to　what　he　says；　but　can　I

hinder　him　from　saying　it？　No；　in　my　opinion　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf

is〃



〃I　understand　you；〃　she　said；　hastily　interrupting　me；　〃you　are　right。

The　count　is　as　nervous　as　a　fashionable　woman；〃　she　added；　as　if　to

conceal　the　idea　of　madness　by　softening　the　word。　〃But　he　is　only　so

at　intervals；　once　a　year；　when　the　weather　is　very　hot。　Ah；　what

evils　have　resulted　from　the　emigration！　How　many　fine　lives　ruined！

He　would　have　been；　I　am　sure　of　it；　a　great　soldier；　an　honor　to　his

country〃



〃I　know；〃　I　said；　interrupting　in　my　turn　to　let　her　see　that　it　was

useless　to　attempt　to　deceive　me。



She　stopped；　laid　one　hand　lightly　on　my　brow；　and　looked　at　me。　〃Who

has　sent　you　here；〃　she　said；　〃into　this　home？　Has　God　sent　me　help；　a

true　friendship　to　support　me？〃　She　paused；　then　added；　as　she　laid

her　hand　firmly　upon　mine；　〃For　you　are　good　and　generous〃　She

raised　her　eyes　to　heaven；　as　if　to　invoke　some　invisible　testimony　to

confirm　her　thought；　and　then　let　them　rest　upon　me。　Electrified　by

the　look；　which　cast　a　soul　into　my　soul；　I　was　guilty；　judging　by

social　laws；　of　a　want　of　tact；　though　in　certain　natures　such

indelicacy　really　means　a　brave　desire　to　meet　danger；　to　avert　a

blow；　to　arrest　an　evil　before　it　happens；　oftener　still；　an　abrupt

call　upon　a　heart；　a　blow　given　to　learn　if　it　resounds　in　unison　with

ours。　Many　thoughts　rose　like　gleams　within　my　mind　and　bade　me　wash

out　the　stain　that　blotted　my　conscience　at　this　moment　when　I　was

seeking　a　complete　understanding。



〃Before　we　say　more；〃　I　said　in　a　voice　shaken　by　the　throbbings　of　my

heart；　which　could　be　heard　in　the　deep　silence　that　surrounded　us；

〃suffer　me　to　purify　one　memory　of　the　past。〃



〃Hush！〃　she　said　quickly；　touching　my　lips　with　a　finger　which　she

instantly　removed。　She　looked　at　me　haughtily；　with　the　glance　of　a

woman　who　knows　herself　too　exalted　for　insult　to　reach　her。　〃Be

silent；　I　know　of　what　you　are　about　to　speak；the　first；　the　last；

the　only　outrage　ever　offered　to　me。　Never　speak　to　me　o