the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第36章

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Europeans；　who　are　incapable　of　understanding　the　grandeur　of　the
privilege；　you　must　admit；　however；　that　on　the　dead　level　of　our
modern　customs　aristocracy　can　rise　to　greatness　only　through
unparalleled　devotions。　How　can　I　prove　to　the　middle　classes　that　the
blood　in　my　veins　is　not　the　same　as　theirs；　unless　I　show　them　that　I
can　die　as　they　cannot？　Women　of　no　birth　can　have　diamonds　and　satins
and　horseseven　coats…of…arms；　which　ought　to　be　sacred　to　us；　for
any　one　can　buy　a　name。　But　to　love；　with　our　heads　up；　in　defiance　of
law；　to　die　for　the　idol　we　have　chosen；　with　the　sheets　of　our　bed
for　a　shroud；　to　lay　earth　and　heaven　at　his　feet；　robbing　the
Almighty　of　his　right　to　make　a　god；　and　never　to　betray　that　man；
never；　never；　even　for　virtue's　sake；for；　to　refuse　him　anything　in
the　name　of　duty　is　to　devote　ourselves　to　something　that　is　not　HE；
and　let　that　something　be　a　man　or　an　idea；　it　is　betrayal　all　the
same；these　are　heights　to　which　common　women　cannot　attain；　they
know　but　two　matter…of…fact　ways；　the　great　high…road　of　virtue；　or
the　muddy　path　of　the　courtesan。〃

Pride；　you　see；　was　her　instrument；　she　flattered　all　vanities　by
deifying　them。　She　put　me　so　high　that　she　might　live　at　my　feet；　in
fact；　the　seductions　of　her　spirit　were　literally　expressed　by　an
attitude　of　subserviency　and　her　complete　submission。　In　what　words
shall　I　describe　those　first　six　months　when　I　was　lost　in　enervating
enjoyments；　in　the　meshes　of　a　love　fertile　in　pleasures　and　knowing
how　to　vary　them　with　a　cleverness　learned　by　long　experience；　yet
hiding　that　knowledge　beneath　the　transports　of　passion。　These
pleasures；　the　sudden　revelation　of　the　poetry　of　the　senses；
constitute　the　powerful　tie　which　binds　young　men　to　women　older　than
they。　It　is　the　chain　of　the　galley…slave；　it　leaves　an　ineffaceable
brand　upon　the　soul；　filling　it　with　disgust　for　pure　and　innocent
love　decked　with　flowers　only；　which　serves　no　alcohol　in　curiously
chased　cups　inlaid　with　jewels　and　sparkling　with　unquenchable　fires。

Recalling　my　early　dreams　of　pleasures　I　knew　nothing　of；　expressed　at
Clochegourde　in　my　〃selams；〃　the　voice　of　my　flowers；　pleasures　which
the　union　of　souls　renders　all　the　more　ardent；　I　found　many
sophistries　by　which　I　excused　to　myself　the　delight　with　which　I
drained　that　jewelled　cup。　Often；　when；　lost　in　infinite　lassitude；　my
soul　disengaged　itself　from　the　body　and　floated　far　from　earth；　I
thought　that　these　pleasures　might　be　the　means　of　abolishing　matter
and　of　rendering　to　the　spirit　its　power　to　soar。　Sometimes　Lady
Dudley；　like　other　women；　profited　by　the　exaltation　in　which　I　was　to
bind　me　by　promises；　under　the　lash　of　a　desire　she　wrung　blasphemies
from　my　lips　against　the　angel　at　Clochegourde。　Once　a　traitor　I
became　a　scoundrel。　I　continued　to　write　to　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　in　the
tone　of　the　lad　she　had　first　known　in　his　strange　blue　coat；　but；　I
admit　it；　her　gift　of　second…sight　terrified　me　when　I　thought　what
ruin　the　indiscretion　of　a　word　might　bring　to　the　dear　castle　of　my
hopes。　Often；　in　the　midst　of　my　pleasure　a　sudden　horror　seized　me；　I
heard　the　name　of　Henriette　uttered　by　a　voice　above　me；　like　that　in
the　Scriptures；　demanding：　〃Cain；　where　is　thy　brother　Abel？〃

At　last　my　letters　remained　unanswered。　I　was　seized　with　horrible
anxiety　and　wished　to　leave　for　Clochegourde。　Arabella　did　not　oppose
it；　but　she　talked　of　accompanying　me　to　Touraine。　Her　woman's　wit
told　her　that　the　journey　might　be　a　means　of　finally　detaching　me
from　her　rival；　while　I；　blind　with　fear　and　guilelessly　unsuspicious；
did　not　see　the　trap　she　set　for　me。　Lady　Dudley　herself　proposed　the
humblest　concessions。　She　would　stay　near　Tours；　at　a　little　country…
place；　alone；　disguised；　she　would　refrain　from　going　out　in　the　day…
time；　and　only　meet　me　in　the　evening　when　people　were　not　likely　to
be　about。　I　left　Tours　on　horseback。　I　had　my　reasons　for　this；　my
evening　excursions　to　meet　her　would　require　a　horse；　and　mine　was　an
Arab　which　Lady　Hester　Stanhope　had　sent　to　the　marchioness；　and　which
she　had　lately　exchanged　with　me　for　that　famous　picture　of　Rembrandt
which　I　obtained　in　so　singular　a　way；　and　which　now　hangs　in　her
drawing…room　in　London。　I　took　the　road　I　had　traversed　on　foot　six
years　earlier　and　stopped　beneath　my　walnut…tree。　From　there　I　saw
Madame　de　Mortsauf　in　a　white　dress　standing　at　the　edge　of　the
terrace。　Instantly　I　rode　towards　her　with　the　speed　of　lightning；　in
a　straight　line　and　across　country。　She　heard　the　stride　of　the
swallow　of　the　desert　and　when　I　pulled　him　up　suddenly　at　the
terrace；　she　said　to　me：　〃Oh；　you　here！〃

Those　three　words　blasted　me。　She　knew　my　treachery。　Who　had　told　her？
her　mother；　whose　hateful　letter　she　afterwards　showed　me。　The　feeble；
indifferent　voice；　once　so　full　of　life；　the　dull　pallor　of　its　tones
revealed　a　settled　grief；　exhaling　the　breath　of　flowers　cut　and　left
to　wither。　The　tempest　of　infidelity；　like　those　freshets　of　the　Loire
which　bury　the　meadows　for　all　time　in　sand；　had　torn　its　way　through
her　soul；　leaving　a　desert　where　once　the　verdure　clothed　the　fields。
I　led　my　horse　through　the　little　gate；　he　lay　down　on　the　grass　at　my
command　and　the　countess；　who　came　forward　slowly；　exclaimed；　〃What　a
fine　animal！〃　She　stood　with　folded　arms　lest　I　should　try　to　take　her
hand；　I　guessed　her　meaning。

〃I　will　let　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　know　you　are　here；〃　she　said；　leaving
me。

I　stood　still；　confounded；　letting　her　go；　watching　her；　always　noble；
slow；　and　proud；whiter　than　I　had　ever　seen　her；　on　her　brow　the
yellow　imprint　of　bitterest　melancholy；　her　head　bent　like　a　lily
heavy　with　rain。

〃Henriette！〃　I　cried　in　the　agony　of　a　man　about　to　die。

She　did　not　turn　or　pause；　she　disdained　to　say　that　she　withdrew　from
me　that　name；　but　she　did　not　answer　to　it　and　continued　on。　I　may
feel　paltry　and　small　in　this　dreadful　vale　of　life　where　myriads　of
human　beings　now　dust　make　the　surface　of　the　globe；　small　indeed
among　that　crowd；　hurrying　beneath　the　luminous　spaces　which　light
them；　but　what　sense　of　humiliation　could　equal　that　with　which　I
watched　her　calm　white　figure　inflexibly　mounting　with　even　steps　the
terraces　of　her　chateau　of　Clochegourde；　the　pride　and　the　torture　of
that　Christian　Dido？　I　cursed　Arabella　in　a　single　imprecation　which
might　have　killed　her　had　she　heard　it；　she　who　had　left　all　for　me　as
some　leave　all　for　God。　I　remained　lost　in　a　world　of　thought；
conscious　of　utter　misery　on　all　sides。　Presently　I　saw　the　whole
family　coming　down；　Jacques；　running　with　the　eagerness　of　his　age。
Madeleine；　a　gazelle　with　mournful　eyes；　walked　with　her　mother。
Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　came　to　me　with　open　arms；　pressed　me　to　him　and
kissed　me　on　both　cheeks　crying　out；　〃Felix；　I　know　now　that　I　owed
you　my　life。〃

Madame　de　Mortsauf　stood　with　her　back　towards　me　during　this　little
scene；　under　pretext　of　showing　the　horse　to　Madeleine。

〃Ha；　the　devil！　that's　what　women　are；〃　cried　the　count；　〃admiring
your　horse！〃

Madeleine　turned；　came　up　to　me；　and　I　kissed　her　hand；　looking　at　the
countess；　who　colored。

〃Madeleine　seems　much　better；〃　I　said。

〃Poor　little　girl！〃　said　the　countess；　kissing　her　on　her　forehead。

〃Yes；　for　the　time　being　they　are　all　well；〃　answered　the　count。
〃Except　me；　Felix；　I　am　as　battered　as　an　old　tower　about　to　fall。〃

〃The　general　is　still　depressed；〃　I　remarked　to　Madame　de　Mortsauf。

〃We　all　have　our　blue　devilsis　not　that　the　English　term？〃　she
replied。

The　whole　party　walked　on　towards　the　vineyard　with　the　feeling　that
some　serious　event　had　happened。　She　had　no　wish　to　be　alone　with　me。
Still；　I　was　her　guest。

〃But　about　your　horse？　why　isn't　he　attended　to？〃　said　the　count。

〃You　see　I　am　wrong　if　I　think　of　him；　and　wrong　if　I　do　not；〃
remarked　the　countess。

〃Well；　yes；〃　said　her　husband；　〃there　is　a　time　to　do　things；　and　a
time　not　to　do　them。〃

〃I　will　attend　to　him；〃　I　said；　finding　this　sort　of　greeting
intolerable。　〃No　one　but　myself　can　put　him　into　his　stall；　my　groom
is　coming　by　the　coach　from　Chinon；　he　will　rub　him　down。〃

〃I　suppose　your　groom　is　from　England；〃　she　said。

〃That　is　where　they　all　come　from；〃　remarked　the　count；　who　grew
cheerful　in　proportion　as　his　wife　seemed　depressed。　Her　coldness　gave
him　an　opportunity　to　oppose　her；　and　he　overwhelmed　me　with
friendliness。

〃My　dear　Felix；〃　he　said；　taking　my　hand；　and　pressing　it
affectionately；　〃pray　forgive　Madame　de　Mortsauf；　women　are　so
whimsical。　But　it　is　owing　to　their　weakness；　they　cannot　have　the
evenness　of　temper　we　owe　to　our　strength　of　character。　She　really
loves　you；　I　know　it；　only〃

While　the　count　was　speaking　Madame　de　Mortsauf　gradually　moved　away
from　us　so　as　to　leave　us　alone。

〃Felix；〃　said　the　count；　in　a　low　voice；　looking　at　his　wife；　who　was
now　going　up　to　the　house　with　her　two　children；　〃I　don't　know　what　is
going　on　in　Madame　de　Mortsauf's　mind；　but　for　the　last　six　weeks　her
disposition　has　completely　changed。　She；　so　gentle；　so　devoted
hitherto；　is　now　extraordinarily　peevish。〃

Manette　told　me　later　that　the　countess　had　fallen　into　a　state　of
depression　which　made　her　indifferent　to　the　count's　provocations。　No
longer　finding　a　soft　substance　in　which　he　could　plant　his　arrows；
the　man　became　as　uneasy　as　a　child　when　the　poor　insect　it　is
tormenting　ceases　to　move。　He　now　needed　a　confidant；　as　the　hangman
needs　a　helper。

〃Try　to　question　Madame　de　Mortsauf；〃　he　said　after　a　pause；　〃and　find
out　what　is　the　matter。　A　woman　always　has　secrets　from　her　husband；
but　perhaps　she　will　tell　you　what　troubles　her。　I　would　sacrifice
everything　to　make　her　happy；　even　to　half　my　remaining　days　or　half
my　fortune。　She　is　necessary　to　my　very　life。　If　I　have　not　that　angel
at　my　side　as　I　grow　old　I　shall　be　the　most　wretched　of　men。　I　do
desire　to　die　easy。　Tell　her　I　shall　not　be　here　long　to　trouble　her。
Yes；　Felix；　my　poor　friend；　I　am　going　fast；　I　know　it。　I　hide　the
fatal　truth　from　every　one；　why　should　I　worry　them　beforehand？　The
trouble　is　in　the　orifice　of　the　stomach；　my　friend。　I　have　at　last
discovered　the　true　cause　of　this　disease；　it　is　my　sensibility　that
is　killing　me。　Indeed；　all　our　feelings　affect　the　gastric　centre。〃

〃Then　do　you　mean；〃　I　said；　smiling；　〃that　the　best…hearted　people　die
of　their　stomachs？〃

〃Don't　laugh；　Felix；　nothing　is　more　absolutely　true。　Too　keen　a
sensibility　increases　the　play　of　the　sympathetic　nerve；　these
excitements　of　feeling　keep　the　mucous　membrane　of　the　stomach　in　a
state　of　constant　irritation。　If　this　state　continues　it　deranges；　at
first　insensibly；　the　digestive　functions；　the　secretions　change；　the
appetite　is　impaired；　and　the　digestion　becomes　capricious；　sharp
pains　are　felt；　they　grow　worse　day　by　day；　and　more　frequent；　then
the　disorder　comes　to　a　crisis；　as　if　a　slow　poison　were　passing　the
alimentary　canal；　the　mucous　membrane　thickens；　the　valve　of　the
pylorus　becomes　indurated　and　forms　a　scirrhus；　of　which　the　patient
dies。　Well；　I　have　reached　that　point；　my　dear　friend。　The　induration
is　procee