mudfog+-第7章

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the　advantages　they　must　necessarily　derive　from　changing　their

mode　of　life；　and　applying　themselves　to　honest　labour。　　This

appeared　to　him；　the　only　difficulty。



'THE　AUTHOR　submitted　that　this　difficulty　was　easily　overcome；　or

rather　that　there　was　no　difficulty　at　all　in　the　case。　　Obviously

the　course　to　be　pursued；　if　Her　Majesty's　government　could　be

prevailed　upon　to　take　up　the　plan；　would　be；　to　secure　at　a

remunerative　salary　the　individual　to　whom　he　had　alluded　as

presiding　over　the　exhibition　in　Regent…street　at　the　period　of　his

visit。　　That　gentleman　would　at　once　be　able　to　put　himself　in

communication　with　the　mass　of　the　fleas；　and　to　instruct　them　in

pursuance　of　some　general　plan　of　education；　to　be　sanctioned　by

Parliament；　until　such　time　as　the　more　intelligent　among　them　were

advanced　enough　to　officiate　as　teachers　to　the　rest。



'The　President　and　several　members　of　the　section　highly

complimented　the　author　of　the　paper　last　read；　on　his　most

ingenious　and　important　treatise。　　It　was　determined　that　the

subject　should　be　recommended　to　the　immediate　consideration　of　the

council。



'MR。　WIGSBY　produced　a　cauliflower　somewhat　larger　than　a　chaise…

umbrella；　which　had　been　raised　by　no　other　artificial　means　than

the　simple　application　of　highly　carbonated　soda…water　as　manure。

He　explained　that　by　scooping　out　the　head；　which　would　afford　a

new　and　delicious　species　of　nourishment　for　the　poor；　a　parachute；

in　principle　something　similar　to　that　constructed　by　M。　Garnerin；

was　at　once　obtained；　the　stalk　of　course　being　kept　downwards。　　He

added　that　he　was　perfectly　willing　to　make　a　descent　from　a　height

of　not　less　than　three　miles　and　a　quarter；　and　had　in　fact　already

proposed　the　same　to　the　proprietors　of　Vauxhall　Gardens；　who　in

the　handsomest　manner　at　once　consented　to　his　wishes；　and

appointed　an　early　day　next　summer　for　the　undertaking；　merely

stipulating　that　the　rim　of　the　cauliflower　should　be　previously

broken　in　three　or　four　places　to　ensure　the　safety　of　the　descent。



'THE　PRESIDENT　congratulated　the　public　on　the　GRAND　GALA　in　store

for　them；　and　warmly　eulogised　the　proprietors　of　the　establishment

alluded　to；　for　their　love　of　science；　and　regard　for　the　safety　of

human　life；　both　of　which　did　them　the　highest　honour。



'A　Member　wished　to　know　how　many　thousand　additional　lamps　the

royal　property　would　be　illuminated　with；　on　the　night　after　the

descent。



'MR。　WIGSBY　replied　that　the　point　was　not　yet　finally　decided；　but

he　believed　it　was　proposed；　over　and　above　the　ordinary

illuminations；　to　exhibit　in　various　devices　eight　millions　and　a…

half　of　additional　lamps。



'The　Member　expressed　himself　much　gratified　with　this

announcement。



'MR。　BLUNDERUM　delighted　the　section　with　a　most　interesting　and

valuable　paper　〃on　the　last　moments　of　the　learned　pig；〃　which

produced　a　very　strong　impression　on　the　assembly；　the　account

being　compiled　from　the　personal　recollections　of　his　favourite

attendant。　　The　account　stated　in　the　most　emphatic　terms　that　the

animal's　name　was　not　Toby；　but　Solomon；　and　distinctly　proved　that

he　could　have　no　near　relatives　in　the　profession；　as　many

designing　persons　had　falsely　stated；　inasmuch　as　his　father；

mother；　brothers　and　sisters；　had　all　fallen　victims　to　the　butcher

at　different　times。　　An　uncle　of　his　indeed；　had　with　very　great

labour　been　traced　to　a　sty　in　Somers　Town；　but　as　he　was　in　a　very

infirm　state　at　the　time；　being　afflicted　with　measles；　and　shortly

afterwards　disappeared；　there　appeared　too　much　reason　to

conjecture　that　he　had　been　converted　into　sausages。　　The　disorder

of　the　learned　pig　was　originally　a　severe　cold；　which；　being

aggravated　by　excessive　trough　indulgence；　finally　settled　upon　the

lungs；　and　terminated　in　a　general　decay　of　the　constitution。　　A

melancholy　instance　of　a　presentiment　entertained　by　the　animal　of

his　approaching　dissolution；　was　recorded。　　After　gratifying　a

numerous　and　fashionable　company　with　his　performances；　in　which　no

falling　off　whatever　was　visible；　he　fixed　his　eyes　on　the

biographer；　and；　turning　to　the　watch　which　lay　on　the　floor；　and

on　which　he　was　accustomed　to　point　out　the　hour；　deliberately

passed　his　snout　twice　round　the　dial。　　In　precisely　four…and…

twenty　hours　from　that　time　he　had　ceased　to　exist！



'PROFESSOR　WHEEZY　inquired　whether；　previous　to　his　demise；　the

animal　had　expressed；　by　signs　or　otherwise；　any　wishes　regarding

the　disposal　of　his　little　property。



'MR。　BLUNDERUM　replied；　that；　when　the　biographer　took　up　the　pack

of　cards　at　the　conclusion　of　the　performance；　the　animal　grunted

several　times　in　a　significant　manner；　and　nodding　his　head　as　he

was　accustomed　to　do；　when　gratified。　　From　these　gestures　it　was

understood　that　he　wished　the　attendant　to　keep　the　cards；　which　he

had　ever　since　done。　　He　had　not　expressed　any　wish　relative　to　his

watch；　which　had　accordingly　been　pawned　by　the　same　individual。



'THE　PRESIDENT　wished　to　know　whether　any　Member　of　the　section　had

ever　seen　or　conversed　with　the　pig…faced　lady；　who　was　reported　to

have　worn　a　black　velvet　mask；　and　to　have　taken　her　meals　from　a

golden　trough。



'After　some　hesitation　a　Member　replied　that　the　pig…faced　lady　was

his　mother…in…law；　and　that　he　trusted　the　President　would　not

violate　the　sanctity　of　private　life。



'THE　PRESIDENT　begged　pardon。　　He　had　considered　the　pig…faced　lady

a　public　character。　　Would　the　honourable　member　object　to　state；

with　a　view　to　the　advancement　of　science；　whether　she　was　in　any

way　connected　with　the　learned　pig？



'The　Member　replied　in　the　same　low　tone；　that；　as　the　question

appeared　to　involve　a　suspicion　that　the　learned　pig　might　be　his

half…brother；　he　must　decline　answering　it。





'SECTION　B。　…　ANATOMY　AND　MEDICINE。

COACH…HOUSE；　PIG　AND　TINDER…BOX。





PRESIDENT　…　Dr。　Toorell。　　VICE…PRESIDENTS　…　Professors　Muff　and

Nogo。



DR。　KUTANKUMAGEN　（of　Moscow）　read　to　the　section　a　report　of　a　case

which　had　occurred　within　his　own　practice；　strikingly　illustrative

of　the　power　of　medicine；　as　exemplified　in　his　successful

treatment　of　a　virulent　disorder。　　He　had　been　called　in　to　visit

the　patient　on　the　1st　of　April；　1837。　　He　was　then　labouring　under

symptoms　peculiarly　alarming　to　any　medical　man。　　His　frame　was

stout　and　muscular；　his　step　firm　and　elastic；　his　cheeks　plump　and

red；　his　voice　loud；　his　appetite　good；　his　pulse　full　and　round。

He　was　in　the　constant　habit　of　eating　three　meals　PER　DIEM；　and　of

drinking　at　least　one　bottle　of　wine；　and　one　glass　of　spirituous

liquors　diluted　with　water；　in　the　course　of　the　four…and…twenty

hours。　　He　laughed　constantly；　and　in　so　hearty　a　manner　that　it

was　terrible　to　hear　him。　　By　dint　of　powerful　medicine；　low　diet；

and　bleeding；　the　symptoms　in　the　course　of　three　days　perceptibly

decreased。　　A　rigid　perseverance　in　the　same　course　of　treatment

for　only　one　week；　accompanied　with　small　doses　of　water…gruel；

weak　broth；　and　barley…water；　led　to　their　entire　disappearance。

In　the　course　of　a　month　he　was　sufficiently　recovered　to　be

carried　down…stairs　by　two　nurses；　and　to　enjoy　an　airing　in　a

close　carriage；　supported　by　soft　pillows。　　At　the　present　moment

he　was　restored　so　far　as　to　walk　about；　with　the　slight　assistance

of　a　crutch　and　a　boy。　　It　would　perhaps　be　gratifying　to　the

section　to　learn　that　he　ate　little；　drank　little；　slept　little；

and　was　never　heard　to　laugh　by　any　accident　whatever。



'DR。　W。　R。　FEE；　in　complimenting　the　honourable　member　upon　the

triumphant　cure　he　had　effected；　begged　to　ask　whether　the　patient

still　bled　freely？



'DR。　KUTANKUMAGEN　replied　in　the　affirmative。



'DR。　W。　R。　FEE。　…　And　you　found　that　he　bled　freely　during　the

whole　course　of　the　disorder？



'DR。　KUTANKUMAGEN。　…　Oh　dear；　yes；　most　freely。



'DR。　NEESHAWTS　supposed；　that　if　the　patient　had　not　submitted　to

be　bled　with　great　readiness　and　perseverance；　so　extraordinary　a

cure　could　never；　in　fact；　have　been　accomplished。　　Dr。

Kutankumagen　rejoined；　certainly　not。



'MR。　KNIGHT　BELL　（M。R。C。S。）　exhibited　a　wax　preparation　of　the

interior　of　a　gentleman　who　in　early　life　had　inadvertently

swallowed　a　door…key。　　It　was　a　curious　fact　that　a　medical　student

of　dissipated　habits；　being　present　at　the　POST　MORTEM　examination；

found　means　to　escape　unobserved　from　the　room；　with　that　portion

of　the　coats　of　the　stomach　upon　which　an　exact　model　of　the

instrument　was　distinctly　impressed；　with　which　he　hastened　to　a

locksmith　of　doubtful　character；　who　made　a　new　key　from　the

pattern　so　shown　to　him。　　With　this　key　the　medical　student　entered

the　house　of　the　deceased　gentleman；　and　committed　a　burglary　to　a

large　amount；　for　which　he　was　subsequently　tried　and　executed。



'THE　PRESIDENT　wished　to　know　what　became　of　the　original　key　after

the　lapse　of　years。　　Mr。　Knight　Bell　replied　that　the　gentleman　was

always　much　accustomed　to　punch；　and　it　was　supposed　the　acid　had

gradually　devoured　it。



'DR。　NEESHAWTS　and　several　of　the　members　were　of　opinion　that　the

key　must　have　lain　very　cold　and　heavy　upon　the　gentleman's

stomach。



'MR。　KNIGHT　BELL　believed　it　did　at　first。　　It　was　worthy　of

remark；　perhaps；　that　for　some　years　the　gentleman　was　troubled

with　a　night…mare；　under　the　influence　of　which　he　always　imagined

himself　a　wine…cellar　door。



'PROFESSOR　MUFF　related　a　very　extraordinary　and　convincing　proof

of　the　wonderful　efficacy　of　the　system　of　infinitesimal　doses；

which　the　section　were　doubtless　aware　was　based　upon　the　theory

that　the　very　minutest　amount　of　any　given　drug；　properly　dispersed

through　the　human　frame；　would　be　productive　of　precisely　the　same

result　as　a　very　large　dose　administered　in　the　usual　manner。

Thus；　the　fortieth　part　of　a　grain　of　calomel　was　supposed　to　be

equal　to　a　five…grain　calomel　pill；　and　so　on　in　proportion

throughout　the　whole　range　of　medicine。　　He　had　tried　the

experiment　in　a　curious　manner　upon　a　publican　who　had　been　brought

into　the　hospital　with　a　broken　head；　and　was　cured　upon　the

infinitesimal　system　in　the　incredibly　short　space　of　three　months。

This　man　was　a　hard　drinker。　　He　（Professor　Muff）　had　dispersed

three　drops　of　rum　through　a　bucket　of　water；　and　requested　the　man

to　drink　the　whole。　　What　was　the　result？　　Before　he　had　drunk　a

quart；　he　was　in　a　state　of　beastly　intoxication；　and　five　other

men　were　made　dead　drunk　with　the　remainder。



'THE　PRESIDENT　wished　to　know　whether　an　infinitesimal　dose　of

soda…water　would　have　recovered　them？　　Professor　Muff　replied　that

the　twenty…fifth　part　of　a　teaspoonful；　properly　administered　to

each　patient；　would　have　sobered　him　immediately。　　The　President

remarked　that　this　was　a　most　important　discovery；　and　he　hop