mudfog+-第13章

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cure　it。　　Now；　it　was　a　remarkable　circumstance　…　proved　in　the

evidence　…　that　the　deceased　Thorn　employed　a　woman　to　follow　him

about　all　day　with　a　pail　of　water；　assuring　her　that　one　drop　（a

purely　homoeopathic　remedy；　the　section　would　observe）；　placed　upon

his　tongue；　after　death；　would　restore　him。　　What　was　the　obvious

inference？　　That　Thorn；　who　was　marching　and　countermarching　in

osier　beds；　and　other　swampy　places；　was　impressed　with　a

presentiment　that　he　should　be　drowned；　in　which　case；　had　his

instructions　been　complied　with；　he　could　not　fail　to　have　been

brought　to　life　again　instantly　by　his　own　prescription。　　As　it

was；　if　this　woman；　or　any　other　person；　had　administered　an

infinitesimal　dose　of　lead　and　gunpowder　immediately　after　he　fell；

he　would　have　recovered　forthwith。　　But　unhappily　the　woman

concerned　did　not　possess　the　power　of　reasoning　by　analogy；　or

carrying　out　a　principle；　and　thus　the　unfortunate　gentleman　had

been　sacrificed　to　the　ignorance　of　the　peasantry。





'SECTION　D。　…　STATISTICS。

OUT…HOUSE；　BLACK　BOY　AND　STOMACH…ACHE。



PRESIDENT　…　Mr。　Slug。　　VICE…PRESIDENTS　…　Messrs。　Noakes　and　Styles。



'MR。　KWAKLEY　stated　the　result　of　some　most　ingenious　statistical

inquiries　relative　to　the　difference　between　the　value　of　the

qualification　of　several　members　of　Parliament　as　published　to　the

world；　and　its　real　nature　and　amount。　　After　reminding　the　section

that　every　member　of　Parliament　for　a　town　or　borough　was　supposed

to　possess　a　clear　freehold　estate　of　three　hundred　pounds　per

annum；　the　honourable　gentleman　excited　great　amusement　and

laughter　by　stating　the　exact　amount　of　freehold　property　possessed

by　a　column　of　legislators；　in　which　he　had　included　himself。　　It

appeared　from　this　table；　that　the　amount　of　such　income　possessed

by　each　was　0　pounds；　0　shillings；　and　0　pence；　yielding　an　average

of　the　same。　（Great　laughter。）　　It　was　pretty　well　known　that　there

were　accommodating　gentlemen　in　the　habit　of　furnishing　new　members

with　temporary　qualifications；　to　the　ownership　of　which　they　swore

solemnly　…　of　course　as　a　mere　matter　of　form。　　He　argued　from

these　DATA　that　it　was　wholly　unnecessary　for　members　of　Parliament

to　possess　any　property　at　all；　especially　as　when　they　had　none

the　public　could　get　them　so　much　cheaper。





'SUPPLEMENTARY　SECTION；　E。　…　UMBUGOLOGY　AND　DITCHWATERISICS。





PRESIDENT　…　Mr。　Grub。　　VICE　PRESIDENTS　…　Messrs。　Dull　and　Dummy。



'A　paper　was　read　by　the　secretary　descriptive　of　a　bay　pony　with

one　eye；　which　had　been　seen　by　the　author　standing　in　a　butcher's

cart　at　the　corner　of　Newgate　Market。　　The　communication　described

the　author　of　the　paper　as　having；　in　the　prosecution　of　a

mercantile　pursuit；　betaken　himself　one　Saturday　morning　last

summer　from　Somers　Town　to　Cheapside；　in　the　course　of　which

expedition　he　had　beheld　the　extraordinary　appearance　above

described。　　The　pony　had　one　distinct　eye；　and　it　had　been　pointed

out　to　him　by　his　friend　Captain　Blunderbore；　of　the　Horse　Marines；

who　assisted　the　author　in　his　search；　that　whenever　he　winked　this

eye　he　whisked　his　tail　（possibly　to　drive　the　flies　off）；　but　that

he　always　winked　and　whisked　at　the　same　time。　　The　animal　was

lean；　spavined；　and　tottering；　and　the　author　proposed　to

constitute　it　of　the　family　of　FITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS。　　It　certainly

did　occur　to　him　that　there　was　no　case　on　record　of　a　pony　with

one　clearly…defined　and　distinct　organ　of　vision；　winking　and

whisking　at　the　same　moment。



'MR。　Q。　J。　SNUFFLETOFFLE　had　heard　of　a　pony　winking　his　eye；　and

likewise　of　a　pony　whisking　his　tail；　but　whether　they　were　two

ponies　or　the　same　pony　he　could　not　undertake　positively　to　say。

At　all　events；　he　was　acquainted　with　no　authenticated　instance　of

a　simultaneous　winking　and　whisking；　and　he　really　could　not　but

doubt　the　existence　of　such　a　marvellous　pony　in　opposition　to　all

those　natural　laws　by　which　ponies　were　governed。　　Referring；

however；　to　the　mere　question　of　his　one　organ　of　vision；　might　he

suggest　the　possibility　of　this　pony　having　been　literally　half

asleep　at　the　time　he　was　seen；　and　having　closed　only　one　eye。



'THE　PRESIDENT　observed　that；　whether　the　pony　was　half　asleep　or

fast　asleep；　there　could　be　no　doubt　that　the　association　was　wide

awake；　and　therefore　that　they　had　better　get　the　business　over；

and　go　to　dinner。　　He　had　certainly　never　seen　anything　analogous

to　this　pony；　but　he　was　not　prepared　to　doubt　its　existence；　for

he　had　seen　many　queerer　ponies　in　his　time；　though　he　did　not

pretend　to　have　seen　any　more　remarkable　donkeys　than　the　other

gentlemen　around　him。



'PROFESSOR　JOHN　KETCH　was　then　called　upon　to　exhibit　the　skull　of

the　late　Mr。　Greenacre；　which　he　produced　from　a　blue　bag；

remarking；　on　being　invited　to　make　any　observations　that　occurred

to　him；　〃that　he'd　pound　it　as　that　'ere　'spectable　section　had

never　seed　a　more　gamerer　cove　nor　he　vos。〃



'A　most　animated　discussion　upon　this　interesting　relic　ensued；

and；　some　difference　of　opinion　arising　respecting　the　real

character　of　the　deceased　gentleman；　Mr。　Blubb　delivered　a　lecture

upon　the　cranium　before　him；　clearly　showing　that　Mr。　Greenacre

possessed　the　organ　of　destructiveness　to　a　most　unusual　extent；

with　a　most　remarkable　development　of　the　organ　of　carveativeness。

Sir　Hookham　Snivey　was　proceeding　to　combat　this　opinion；　when

Professor　Ketch　suddenly　interrupted　the　proceedings　by　exclaiming；

with　great　excitement　of　manner；　〃Walker！〃



'THE　PRESIDENT　begged　to　call　the　learned　gentleman　to　order。



'PROFESSOR　KETCH。　…　〃Order　be　blowed！　you've　got　the　wrong　un；　I

tell　you。　　It　ain't　no　'ed　at　all；　it's　a　coker…nut　as　my　brother…

in…law　has　been　a…carvin'；　to　hornament　his　new　baked　tatur…stall

wots　a…comin'　down　'ere　vile　the　'sociation's　in　the　town。　　Hand

over；　vill　you？〃



'With　these　words；　Professor　Ketch　hastily　repossessed　himself　of

the　cocoa…nut；　and　drew　forth　the　skull；　in　mistake　for　which　he

had　exhibited　it。　　A　most　interesting　conversation　ensued；　but　as

there　appeared　some　doubt　ultimately　whether　the　skull　was　Mr。

Greenacre's；　or　a　hospital　patient's；　or　a　pauper's；　or　a　man's；　or

a　woman's；　or　a　monkey's；　no　particular　result　was　obtained。'





'I　cannot；'　says　our　talented　correspondent　in　conclusion；　'I

cannot　close　my　account　of　these　gigantic　researches　and　sublime

and　noble　triumphs　without　repeating　a　BON　MOT　of　Professor

Woodensconce's；　which　shows　how　the　greatest　minds　may　occasionally

unbend　when　truth　can　be　presented　to　listening　ears；　clothed　in　an

attractive　and　playful　form。　　I　was　standing　by；　when；　after　a　week

of　feasting　and　feeding；　that　learned　gentleman；　accompanied　by　the

whole　body　of　wonderful　men；　entered　the　hall　yesterday；　where　a

sumptuous　dinner　was　prepared；　where　the　richest　wines　sparkled　on

the　board；　and　fat　bucks　…　propitiatory　sacrifices　to　learning　…

sent　forth　their　savoury　odours。　　〃Ah！〃　said　Professor

Woodensconce；　rubbing　his　hands；　〃this　is　what　we　meet　for；　this　is

what　inspires　us；　this　is　what　keeps　us　together；　and　beckons　us

onward；　this　is　the　SPREAD　of　science；　and　a　glorious　spread　it

is。〃'









THE　PANTOMIME　OF　LIFE









Before　we　plunge　headlong　into　this　paper；　let　us　at　once　confess

to　a　fondness　for　pantomimes　…　to　a　gentle　sympathy　with　clowns　and

pantaloons　…　to　an　unqualified　admiration　of　harlequins　and

columbines　…　to　a　chaste　delight　in　every　action　of　their　brief

existence；　varied　and　many…coloured　as　those　actions　are；　and

inconsistent　though　they　occasionally　be　with　those　rigid　and

formal　rules　of　propriety　which　regulate　the　proceedings　of　meaner

and　less　comprehensive　minds。　　We　revel　in　pantomimes　…　not　because

they　dazzle　one's　eyes　with　tinsel　and　gold　leaf；　not　because　they

present　to　us；　once　again；　the　well…beloved　chalked　faces；　and

goggle　eyes　of　our　childhood；　not　even　because；　like　Christmas…day；

and　Twelfth…night；　and　Shrove…Tuesday；　and　one's　own　birthday；　they

come　to　us　but　once　a　year；　…　our　attachment　is　founded　on　a　graver

and　a　very　different　reason。　　A　pantomime　is　to　us；　a　mirror　of

life；　nay；　more；　we　maintain　that　it　is　so　to　audiences　generally；

although　they　are　not　aware　of　it；　and　that　this　very　circumstance

is　the　secret　cause　of　their　amusement　and　delight。



Let　us　take　a　slight　example。　　The　scene　is　a　street：　　an　elderly

gentleman；　with　a　large　face　and　strongly　marked　features；　appears。

His　countenance　beams　with　a　sunny　smile；　and　a　perpetual　dimple　is

on　his　broad；　red　cheek。　　He　is　evidently　an　opulent　elderly

gentleman；　comfortable　in　circumstances；　and　well…to…do　in　the

world。　　He　is　not　unmindful　of　the　adornment　of　his　person；　for　he

is　richly；　not　to　say　gaudily；　dressed；　and　that　he　indulges　to　a

reasonable　extent　in　the　pleasures　of　the　table　may　be　inferred

from　the　joyous　and　oily　manner　in　which　he　rubs　his　stomach；　by

way　of　informing　the　audience　that　he　is　going　home　to　dinner。　　In

the　fulness　of　his　heart；　in　the　fancied　security　of　wealth；　in　the

possession　and　enjoyment　of　all　the　good　things　of　life；　the

elderly　gentleman　suddenly　loses　his　footing；　and　stumbles。　　How

the　audience　roar！　　He　is　set　upon　by　a　noisy　and　officious　crowd；

who　buffet　and　cuff　him　unmercifully。　　They　scream　with　delight！

Every　time　the　elderly　gentleman　struggles　to　get　up；　his

relentless　persecutors　knock　him　down　again。　　The　spectators　are

convulsed　with　merriment！　　And　when　at　last　the　elderly　gentleman

does　get　up；　and　staggers　away；　despoiled　of　hat；　wig；　and

clothing；　himself　battered　to　pieces；　and　his　watch　and　money　gone；

they　are　exhausted　with　laughter；　and　express　their　merriment　and

admiration　in　rounds　of　applause。



Is　this　like　life？　　Change　the　scene　to　any　real　street；　…　to　the

Stock　Exchange；　or　the　City　banker's；　the　merchant's　counting…

house；　or　even　the　tradesman's　shop。　　See　any　one　of　these　men

fall；　…　the　more　suddenly；　and　the　nearer　the　zenith　of　his　pride

and　riches；　the　better。　　What　a　wild　hallo　is　raised　over　his

prostrate　carcase　by　the　shouting　mob；　how　they　whoop　and　yell　as

he　lies　humbled　beneath　them！　　Mark　how　eagerly　they　set　upon　him

when　he　is　down；　and　how　they　mock　and　deride　him　as　he　slinks

away。　　Why；　it　is　the　pantomime　to　the　very　letter。



Of　all　the　pantomimic　DRAMATIS　PERSONAE；　we　consider　the　pantaloon

the　most　worthless　and　debauched。　　Independent　of　the　dislike　one

naturally　feels　at　seeing　a　gentleman　of　his　years　engaged　in

pursuits　highly　unbecoming　his　gravity　and　time　of　life；　we　cannot

conceal　from　ourselves　the　fact　that　he　is　a　treacherous；　worldly…

minded　old　villain；　constantly　enticing　his　younger　companion；　the

clown；　into　acts　of　fraud　or　petty　larceny；　and　generally　standing

aside　to　watch　the　result　of　the　enterprise。　　If　i