burlesques-第80章
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boys were collected； and a great noise of shrill voices might be
heard。 〃Go it； Turk！〃 says one。 〃Go it； barber！〃 says another。
〃PUNCH HITH LIFE OUT！〃 roars another； whose voice was just cracked；
and his clothes half a yard too short for him！
Fancy our horror when； on the crowd making way； we saw Tug
pummelling away at the Honorable Master MacTurk！ My dear Jemmy；
who don't understand such things； pounced upon the two at once；
and； with one hand tearing away Tug； sent him spinning back into
the arms of his seconds； while； with the other； she clawed hold of
Master MacTurk's red hair； and； as soon as she got her second hand
free； banged it about his face and ears like a good one。
〃You nastywickedquarrelsomearistocratic〃 （each word was a
bang）〃aristocraticoh！ oh！ oh！〃Here the words stopped； for what
with the agitation； maternal solicitude； and a dreadful kick on the
shins which； I am ashamed to say； Master MacTurk administered； my
dear Jemmy could bear it no longer； and sunk fainting away in my
arms。
DOWN AT BEULAH。
Although there was a regular cut between the next…door people and
us； yet Tug and the Honorable Master MacTurk kept up their
acquaintance over the back…garden wall； and in the stables； where
they were fighting； making friends； and playing tricks from morning
to night； during the holidays。 Indeed； it was from young Mac that
we first heard of Madame de Flicflac； of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady
Kilblazes； as I before have related。 When our friend the Baron
first saw Madame； a very tender greeting passed between them； for
they had； as it appeared； been old friends abroad。 〃Sapristie；〃
said the Baron； in his lingo； 〃que fais…tu ici； Amenaide？〃 〃Et
toi； mon pauvre Chicot；〃 says she； 〃est…ce qu'on t'a mis a la
retraite？ Il parait que tu n'es plus General chez Franco〃
CHUT！〃 says the Baron； putting his finger to his lips。
〃What are they saying； my dear？〃 says my wife to Jemimarann； who
had a pretty knowledge of the language by this time。
〃I don't know what 'Sapristie' means； mamma； but the Baron asked
Madame what she was doing here？ and Madame said； 'And you； Chicot；
you are no more a General at Franco。'Have I not translated
rightly； Madame？〃
〃Oui； mon chou； mon ange。 Yase； my angel； my cabbage； quite right。
Figure yourself； I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years。〃
〃Chicot is my name of baptism；〃 says the Baron； 〃Baron Chicot de
Punter is my name。〃
〃And being a General at Franco；〃 says Jemmy； 〃means； I suppose；
being a French General？〃
〃Yes； I vas；〃 said he； 〃General Baron de Puntern'est 'a pas；
Amenaide？〃
〃Oh； yes！〃 said Madame Flicflac； and laughed； and I and Jemmy
laughed out of politeness： and a pretty laughing matter it was； as
you shall hear。
About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady…Patronesses of that
admirable institution； 〃The Washerwoman's…Orphans' Home；〃 Lady de
Sudley was the great projector of it； and the manager and chaplain；
the excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper。 His salary； as
chaplain； and that of Doctor Leitch； the physician （both cousins of
her ladyship's）； drew away five hundred pounds from the six
subscribed to the Charity： and Lady de Sudley thought a fete at
Beulah Spa； with the aid of some of the foreign princes who were in
town last year； might bring a little more money into its treasury。
A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up； and published in all the
papers：
〃APPEAL。
〃BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S…ORPHANS' HOME。
〃The 'Washerwoman's…Orphans' Home' has now been established seven
years： and the good which it has effected is； it may be confidently
stated； INCALCULABLE。 Ninety…eight orphan children of Washerwomen
have been lodged within its walls。 One hundred and two British
Washerwomen have been relieved when in the last state of decay。
ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY…EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female
dress have been washed； mended； buttoned； ironed； and mangled in
the Establishment。 And； by an arrangement with the governors of
the Foundling； it is hoped that THE BABY…LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL
will be confided to the British Washerwoman's Home！
〃With such prospects before it； is it not sad； is it not lamentable
to think； that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled
to reject the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT
HUNDRED AND ONE BRITISH WASHERWOMEN； from lack of means for their
support？ Ladies of England！ Mothers of England！ to you we appeal。
Is there one of you that will not respond to the cry in behalf of
these deserving members of our sex？
〃It has been determined by the Ladies…Patronesses to give a fete at
Beulah Spa； on Thursday； July 25； which will be graced with the
first foreign and native TALENT； by the first foreign and native
RANK； and where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S
FRIEND。〃
Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen； the
Duke of Sacks…Tubbingen； His Excellency Baron Strumpff； His
Excellency Lootf…Allee…Koolee…Bismillah…Mohamed…Rusheed…Allah； the
Persian Ambassador； Prince Futtee…Jaw； Envoy from the King of Oude；
His Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero…y…Fandango…y…Castanete； the
Spanish Ambassador； Count Ravioli； from Milan； the Envoy of the
Republic of Topinambo； and a host of other fashionables； promised
to honor the festival： and their names made a famous show in the
bills。 Besides these； we had the celebrated band of Moscow…musiks；
the seventy…seven Transylvanian trumpeters； and the famous Bohemian
Minnesingers； with all the leading artists of London； Paris； the
Continent； and the rest of Europe。
I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British
Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day。 A beautiful tent
was erected； in which the Ladies…Patronesses were to meet： it was
hung round with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen's
orphans； ninety…six of whom were to be feasted in the gardens；
and waited on by the Ladies…Patronesses。
Well； Jemmy and my daughter； Madame de Flicflac； myself； the Count；
Baron Punter； Tug； and Tagrag； all went down in the chariot and
barouche…and…four； quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her
carriage…and…two。
There was a fine cold collation； to which the friends of the
Ladies…Patronesses were admitted； after which； my ladies and their
beaux went strolling through the walks； Tagrag and the Count having
each an arm of Jemmy； the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and
Jemimarann。 Whilst they were walking； whom should they light upon
but poor Orlando Crump； my successor in the perfumery and hair…
cutting。
〃Orlando！〃 says Jemimarann； blushing as red as a label； and holding
out her hand。
〃Jemimar！〃 says he； holding out his； and turning as white as
pomatum。
〃SIR！〃 says Jemmy； as stately as a duchess。
〃What！ madam；〃 says poor Crump； 〃don't you remember your shopboy？〃
〃Dearest mamma； don't you recollect Orlando？〃 whimpers Jemimarann；
whose hand he had got hold of。
〃Miss Tuggeridge Coxe；〃 says Jemmy； 〃I'm surprised of you。
Remember； sir； that our position is altered； and oblige me by no
more familiarity。〃
〃Insolent fellow！〃 says the Baron； 〃vat is dis canaille？〃
〃Canal yourself； Mounseer；〃 says Orlando； now grown quite furious：
he broke away； quite indignant； and was soon lost in the crowd。
Jemimarann； as soon as he was gone； began to look very pale and
ill； and her mamma； therefore； took her to a tent； where she left
her along with Madame Flicflac and the Baron； going off herself
with the other gentlemen； in order to join us。
It appears they had not been seated very long； when Madame Flicflac
suddenly sprung up； with an exclamation of joy； and rushed forward
to a friend whom she saw pass。
The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann； and； whether it was the
champagne； or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty； I
don't know； but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute； when
the Baron dropped on his knees； and made her a regular declaration。
Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time； and was standing
by my side； listening； as melancholy as possible； to the famous
Bohemian Minnesingers； who were singing the celebrated words of the
poet Gothy：
〃Ich bin ya hupp lily lee； du bist ya hupp lily lee。
Wir sind doch hupp lily lee； hupp la lily lee。〃
〃ChorusYodle…odle…odle…odle…odle…odle hupp！ yodle…odle…aw…o…o…o！〃
They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats； as usual；
and had just come to the 〃o…o…o；〃 at the end of the chorus of the
forty…seventh stanza； when Orlando started： 〃That's a scream！〃 says
he。 〃Indeed it is；〃 says I； 〃and； but for the fashion of the
thing； a very ugly scream too：〃 when I heard another shrill 〃Oh！〃
as I thought； and Orlando bolted off； crying； 〃By heavens； it's HER
voice！〃 〃Whose voice？〃 says I。 〃Come and see the row；〃 says Tag。
And off we went； with a considerable number of people； who saw this
strange move on his part。
We came to the tent； and there we found my poor Jemimarann
fainting； her mamma holding a smelling…bottle； the Baron； on the
ground； holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose； and Orlando
squaring at him； and calling on him to fight if he dared。
My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce。 〃Take that feller away；〃
says she； 〃he has insulted a French nobleman； and deserves
transportation； at the least。〃
Poor Orlando was carried off。 〃I've no patience with the little
minx；〃 says Jemmy； giving Jemimarann a pinch。 〃She might be a
Baron's lady； and she screams out because his Excellency did but
squeeze her hand。〃
〃Oh； mamma！ mamma！〃 sobs poor Jemimarann； 〃but he was t…t…tipsy。〃
〃T…t…tipsy！ and the more shame for you； you hussy； to be offended
with a nobleman who does not know what he is doing。〃
A TOURNAMENT。
〃I say； Tug；〃 said MacTurk； one day soon after our flareup at
Beulah； 〃Kilblazes comes of age in October； and then we'll cut you
out； as I told you： the old barberess will die of spite when she
hears what we are going to do。 What do you think？ we're going to
have a tournament！〃 〃What's a tournament？〃 says Tug； and so said
his mamma when she heard the news； and when she knew what a
tournament was； I think； really； she WAS as angry as MacTurk said
she would be； and gave us no peace for days together。 〃What！〃 says
she； 〃dress up in armor； like play…actors； and run at each other
with spears？ The Kilblazes must be mad！ 〃And so I thought； but I
didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too； as they were： for；
when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival was to be； as yet； a
profound secret； what does she do； but send down to the Morning
Post a flaming account of
〃THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVIILLE！
〃The days of chivalry are NOT past。 The fair Castellane
