burlesques-第38章

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There　was　but　one　way　for　it。　　〃Sir；〃　said　I；　addressing　Holkar；

〃go　out　to…night　and　you　go　to　certain　death。　　Loll　Mahommed　has

not　seen　the　fort　as　I　have。　　Pass　the　gate　if　you　please；　and　for

what？　to　fall　before　the　fire　of　a　hundred　pieces　of　artillery；　to

storm　another　gate；　and　then　another；　and　then　to　be　blown　up；　with

Gahagan's　garrison　in　the　citadel。　　Who　talks　of　courage？　　Were　I

not　in　your　august　presence；　O　star　of　the　faithful；　I　would　crop

Loll　Mahommed's　nose　from　his　face；　and　wear　his　ears　as　an

ornament　in　my　own　pugree！　　Who　is　there　here　that　knows　not　the

difference　between　yonder　yellow…skinned　coward　and　Gahagan　Khan

GujI　mean　Bobbachy　Bahawder？　　I　am　ready　to　fight　one；　two；

three；　or　twenty　of　them；　at　broad…sword；　small…sword；　single…

stick；　with　fists　if　you　please。　　By　the　holy　piper；　fighting　is

like　mate　and　dthrink　to　Gato　Bobbachy；　I　manewhoop！　come　on；

you　divvle；　and　I'll　bate　the　skin　off　your　ugly　bones。〃



This　speech　had　very　nearly　proved　fatal　to　me；　for　when　I　am

agitated；　I　involuntarily　adopt　some　of　the　phraseology　peculiar　to

my　own　country；　which　is　so　un…eastern；　that；　had　there　been　any

suspicion　as　to　my　real　character；　detection　must　indubitably　have

ensued。　　As　it　was；　Holkar　perceived　nothing；　but　instantaneously

stopped　the　dispute。　　Loll　Mahommed；　however；　evidently　suspected

something；　for；　as　Holkar；　with　a　voice　of　thunder；　shouted　out；

〃Tomasha　（silence）；〃　Loll　sprang　forward　and　gasped　out



〃My　lord！　my　lord　I　this　is　not　Bob〃



But　he　could　say　no　more。　　〃Gag　the　slave！〃　screamed　out　Holkar；

stamping　with　fury：　and　a　turban　was　instantly　twisted　round　the

poor　devil's　jaws。　　〃Ho；　furoshes！　carry　out　Loll　Mahommed　Khan；

give　him　a　hundred　dozen　on　the　soles　of　his　feet；　set　him　upon　a

white　donkey；　and　carry　him　round　the　camp；　with　an　inscription

before　him：　'This　is　the　way　that　Holkar　rewards　the　talkative。'〃



I　breathed　again；　and　ever　as　I　heard　each　whack　of　the　bamboo

falling　on　Loll　Mahommed's　feet；　I　felt　peace　returning　to　my　mind；

and　thanked　my　stars　that　I　was　delivered　of　this　danger。



〃Vizier；〃　said　Holkar；　who　enjoyed　Loll's　roars　amazingly；　〃I　owe

you　a　reparation　for　your　nose：　kiss　the　hand　of　your　prince；

O　Saadut　Alee　Beg　Bimbukchee！　be　from　this　day　forth　Zoheir

u　Dowlut！〃



The　good　old　man's　eyes　filled　with　tears。　　〃I　can　bear　thy

severity；　O　Prince；〃　said　he；　〃I　cannot　bear　thy　love。　　Was　it　not

an　honor　that　your　Highness　did　me　just　now　when　you　condescended

to　pass　over　the　bridge　of　your　slave's　nose？〃



The　phrase　was　by　all　voices　pronounced　to　be　very　poetical。　　The

Vizier　retired；　crowned　with　his　new　honors；　to　bed。　　Holkar　was　in

high　good　humor。



〃Bobbachy；〃　said　he；　thou；　too；　must　pardon　me。　　A　propos；　I　have

news　for　thee。　　Your　wife；　the　incomparable　Puttee　Rooge；〃　（white

and　red　rose；）　has　arrived　in　camp。〃



〃My　WIFE；　my　lord！〃　said　I；　aghast。



〃Our　daughter；　the　light　of　thine　eyes！　　Go；　my　son；　I　see　thou　art

wild　with　joy。　　The　Princess's　tents　are　set　up　close　by　mine；　and

I　know　thou　longest　to　join　her。〃



My　wife？　　Here　was　a　complication　truly！





CHAPTER　V。



THE　ISSUE　OF　MY　INTERVIEW　WITH　MY　WIFE。





I　found　Puneeree　Muckun；　with　the　rest　of　my　attendants；　waiting　at

the　gate；　and　they　immediately　conducted　me　to　my　own　tents　in　the

neighborhood。　　I　have　been　in　many　dangerous　predicaments　before

that　time　and　since；　but　I　don't　care　to　deny　that　I　felt　in　the

present　instance　such　a　throbbing　of　the　heart　as　I　never　have

experienced　when　leading　a　forlorn　hope；　or　marching　up　to　a

battery。



As　soon　as　I　entered　the　tents　a　host　of　menials　sprang　forward；

some　to　ease　me　of　my　armor；　some　to　offer　me　refreshments；　some

with　hookahs；　attar　of　roses　（in　great　quart…bottles）；　and　the

thousand　delicacies　of　Eastern　life。　　I　motioned　them　away。　　〃I

will　wear　my　armor；〃　said　I；　I　shall　go　forth　to…night；　carry　my

duty　to　the　princess；　and　say　I　grieve　that　to…night　I　have　not　the

time　to　see　her。　　Spread　me　a　couch　here；　and　bring　me　supper　here：

a　jar　of　Persian　wine　well　cooled；　a　lamb　stuffed　with　pistachio…

nuts；　a　pillaw　of　a　couple　of　turkeys；　a　curried　kidanything。

Begone！　　Give　me　a　pipe；　leave　me　alone；　and　tell　me　when　the　meal

is　ready。〃



I　thought　by　these　means　to　put　off　the　fair　Puttee　Rooge；　and

hoped　to　be　able　to　escape　without　subjecting　myself　to　the

examination　of　her　curious　eyes。　　After　smoking　for　a　while；　an

attendant　came　to　tell　me　that　my　supper　was　prepared　in　the　inner

apartment　of　the　tent　（I　suppose　that　the　reader；　if　he　be

possessed　of　the　commonest　intelligence；　knows　that　the　tents　of

the　Indian　grandees　are　made　of　the　finest　Cashmere　shawls；　and

contain　a　dozen　rooms　at　least；　with　carpets；　chimneys；　and　sash…

windows　complete）。　　I　entered；　I　say；　into　an　inner　chamber；　and

there　began　with　my　fingers　to　devour　my　meal　in　the　Oriental

fashion；　taking；　every　now　and　then；　a　pull　from　the　wine…jar；

which　was　cooling　deliciously　in　another　jar　of　snow。



I　was　just　in　the　act　of　despatching　the　last　morsel　of　a　most

savory　stewed　lamb　and　rice；　which　had　formed　my　meal；　when　I　heard

a　scuffle　of　feet；　a　shrill　clatter　of　female　voices；　and；　the

curtain　being　flung　open；　in　marched　a　lady　accompanied　by　twelve

slaves；　with　moon　faces　and　slim　waists；　lovely　as　the　houris　in

Paradise。



The　lady　herself；　to　do　her　justice；　was　as　great　a　contrast　to　her

attendants　as　could　possibly　be：　she　was　crooked；　old；　of　the

complexion　of　molasses；　and　rendered　a　thousand　times　more　ugly　by

the　tawdry　dress　and　the　blazing　jewels　with　which　she　was　covered。

A　line　of　yellow　chalk　drawn　from　her　forehead　to　the　tip　of　her

nose　（which　was　further　ornamented　by　an　immense　glittering　nose…

ring）；　her　eyelids　painted　bright　red；　and　a　large　dab　of　the　same

color　on　her　chin；　showed　she　was　not　of　the　Mussulman；　but　the

Brahmin　faithand　of　a　very　high　caste；　you　could　see　that　by　her

eyes。　　My　mind　was　instantaneously　made　up　as　to　my　line　of　action。



The　male　attendants　had　of　course　quitted　the　apartment；　as　they

heard　the　well…known　sound　of　her　voice。　　It　would　have　been　death

to　them　to　have　remained　and　looked　in　her　face。　　The　females

ranged　themselves　round　their　mistress；　as　she　squatted　down

opposite　to　me。



〃And　is　this；〃　said　she；　〃a　welcome；　O　Khan！　after　six　months'

absence；　for　the　most　unfortunate　and　loving　wife　in　all　the　world？

Is　this　lamb；　O　glutton！　half　so　tender　as　thy　spouse？　　Is　this

wine；　O　sot！　half　so　sweet　as　her　looks？〃



I　saw　the　storm　was　brewingher　slaves；　to　whom　she　turned；　kept

up　a　kind　of　chorus：



〃Oh；　the　faithless　one！〃　cried　they。　　〃Oh；　the　rascal；　the　false

one；　who　has　no　eye　for　beauty；　and　no　heart　for　love；　like　the

Khanum's！〃



〃A　lamb　is　not　so　sweet　as　love；〃　said　I　gravely：　〃but　a　lamb　has　a

good　temper；　a　wine…cup　is　not　so　intoxicating　as　a　womanbut　a

wine…cup）　has　NO　TONGUE；　O　Khanum　Gee！〃　and　again　I　dipped　my　nose

in　the　soul…refreshing　jar。



The　sweet　Puttee　Rooge　was　not；　however；　to　be　put　off　by　my

repartees；　she　and　her　maidens　recommenced　their　chorus；　and

chattered　and　stormed　until　I　lost　all　patience。



〃Retire；　friends；〃　said　I；　〃and　leave　me　in　peace。〃



〃Stir；　on　your　peril！〃　cried　the　Khanum。



So；　seeing　there　was　no　help　for　it　but　violence；　I　drew　out　my

pistols；　cocked　them；　and　said；　〃O　houris！　these　pistols　contain

each　two　balls：　the　daughter　of　Holkar　bears　a　sacred　life　for　me

but　for　you！by　all　the　saints　of　Hindustan；　four　of　ye　shall　die

if　ye　stay　a　moment　longer　in　my　presence！　　This　was　enough；　the

ladies　gave　a　shriek；　and　skurried　out　of　the　apartment　like　a

covey　of　partridges　on　the　wing。



Now；　then；　was　the　time　for　action。　　My　wife；　or　rather　Bobbachy's

wife；　sat　still；　a　little　flurried　by　the　unusual　ferocity　which

her　lord　had　displayed　in　her　presence。　　I　seized　her　hand　and；

gripping　it　close；　whispered　in　her　ear；　to　which　I　put　the　other

pistol：〃O　Khanum；　listen　and　scream　not；　the　moment　you　scream；

you　die！〃　　She　was　completely　beaten：　she　turned　as　pale　as　a　woman

could　in　her　situation；　and　said；　〃Speak；　Bobbachy　Bahawder；　I　am

dumb。〃



〃Woman；〃　said　I；　taking　off　my　helmet；　and　removing　the　chain　cape

which　had　covered　almost　the　whole　of　my　faceI　AM　NOT　THY

HUSBANDI　am　the　slaver　of　elephants；　the　world　renowned　GAHAGAN！〃



As　I　said　this；　and　as　the　long　ringlets　of　red　hair　fell　over　my

shoulders　（contrasting　strangely　with　my　dyed　face　and　beard）；　I

formed　one　of　the　finest　pictures　that　can　possibly　be　conceived；

and　I　recommend　it　as　a　subject　to　Mr。　Heath；　for　the　next　〃Book　of

Beauty。〃



〃Wretch！〃　said　she；　〃what　wouldst　thou？〃



〃You　black…faced　fiend；〃　said　I；　〃raise　but　your　voice；　and　you　are

dead！〃



〃And　afterwards；〃　said　she；　〃do　you　suppose　that　YOU　can　escape？

The　torments　of　hell　are　not　so　terrible　as　the　tortures　that

Holkar　will　invent　for　thee。〃



〃Tortures；　madam？〃　answered　I；　coolly。　　〃Fiddlesticks！　　You　will

neither　betray　me；　nor　will　I　be　put　to　the　torture：　on　the

contrary；　you　will　give　me　your　best　jewels　and　facilitate　my

escape　to　the　fort。　　Don't　grind　your　teeth　and　swear　at　me。

Listen；　madam　：　you　know　this　dress　and　these　arms；they　are　the

arms　of　your　husband；　Bobbachy　BahawderMY　PRISONER。　　He　now　lies

in　yonder　fort；　and　if　I　do　not　return　before　daylight；　at　SUNRISE

HE　DIES：　and　then；　when　they　send　his　corpse　back　to　Holkar；　what

will　you；　HIS　WIDOW；　do？〃



〃Oh！〃　said　she；　shuddering；　〃spare　me；　spare　me！〃



〃I'll　tell　you　what　you　will　do。　　You　will　have　the　pleasure　of

dying　along　with　himof　BEING　ROASTED；　madam：　an　agonizing　death；

from　which　your　father　cannot　save　you；　to　which　he　will　be　the

first　man　to　condemn　and　conduct　you。　　Ha！　I　see　we　understand　each

other；　and　you　will　give　me　over　the　cash…box　and　jewels。〃　　And　so

saying　I　threw　myself　back　with　the　calmest　air　imaginable；

flinging　the　pistols　over　to　her。　　〃Light　me　a　pipe；　my　love；〃　said

I；　〃and　then　go　and　hand　me　over　the　dollars；　do　you　hear？〃　　You

see　I　had　her　in　my　powerup　a　tree；　as　the　Americans　say；　and　she

very　humbly　lighted　my　pipe　for　me；　and　then　departed　for　the　goods

I　spoke　about。



What　a　thing　is　luck！　　If　Loll　Mahommed　had　not　been　made　to　take

that　ride　round　the　camp；　I　should　infallibly　have　been　lost。



My　supper；　my　quarrel　with　the　princess；　and　my　pipe　afterwards；

had　occupied　a　couple　of　hours　of　my　time。　　The　princess　returned

from　her　quest；　and　brought　with　her　the　box；　containing　valuables

to　the　amount　of　about　three　millions　sterling。　　（I　was　cheated　of

them　afterwards；　but　have　the　box　still；　a　plain　deal　one。）　　I　was

just　about　to　take　my　departure；　when　a　tremendous　knocking；

shouting；　and　screaming　was　heard　at　the　entrance　of　the　tent。　　It