speaking of operations(说起手术)-第6章
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helps to explain； I think； why so many of our forebears had floating
kidneys。 There was nothing else for a kidney to do。
By the time I attained to long trousers； people in our town mainly had
outgrown the unlicensed expert and were depending more and more upon
the old…fashioned family doctorthe one with the whisker…junglewho
drove about in a gig； accompanied by a haunting aroma of iodoform and
carrying his calomel with him in bulk。
He probably owned a secret calomel mine of his own。 He must have；
otherwise he could never have afforded to be so generous with it。 He also
had other medicines with him； all of them being selected on the principle
that unless a drug tasted like the very dickens it couldn't possibly do you
any good。 At all hours of the day and night he was to be seen going to
and fro； distributing nuggets from his private lode。 He went to bed with
his trousers and his hat on； I think； and there was a general belief that his
old mare slept between the shafts of the gig； with the bridle shoved up on
her forehead。
It has been only a few years since the oldtime general practitioner was
everywhere。 Just look round and see now how the system has changed！
If your liver begins to misconduct itself the first thought of the modern
operator is to cut it out and hide it some place where you can't find it。
The oldtimer would have bombarded it with a large brunette pill about the
size and color of a damson plum。 Or he might put you on a diet of
molasses seasoned to taste with blue mass and quinine and other attractive
condiments。 Likewise； in the spring of the year he frequently anointed
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the young of the species with a mixture of mutton suet and asafetida。
This treatment had an effect that was distinctly depressing upon the
growing boy。 It militated against his popularity。 It forced him to seek his
pleasures outdoors； and a good distance outdoors at that。
It was very hard for a boy； however naturally attractive he might be； to
retain his popularity at the fireside circle when coated with mutton suet
and asafetida and then taken into a warm room。 He attracted attention
which he did not court and which was distasteful to him。 Keeping quiet
did not seem to help him any。 Even if they had been blindfolded others
would still have felt his presence。 A civit…cat suffers from the same
drawbacks in a social way； but the advantage to the civit…cat is that as a
general thing it associates only with other civit…cats。
Except in the country the old…time； catch…as…catch…can general
practitioner appears to be dying out。 In the city one finds him
occasionally； playing a limit game in an office on a back street two
dollars to come in； five to call； but the tendency of the day is toward
specialists。 Hence the expert who treats you for just one particular thing
With a pain in your chest； say； you go to a chest specialist。 So long as he
can keep the trouble confined to your chest； all well and good。 If it slips
down or slides up he tries to coax it back to the reservation。 lf it refuses
to do so； he bids it an affectionate adieu； makes a dotted mark on you to
show where he left off； collects his bill and regretfully turns you over to a
stomach specialist or a throat specialist； depending on the direction in
which the trouble was headed when last seen。
Or； perhaps the specialist to whom you take your custom is an
advocate of an immediate operation for such cases as yours and all others。
I may be unduly sensitive on account of having recently emerged from the
surgeon's hands； but it strikes me now that there are an awful lot of doctors
who take one brief glance at a person who is complaining； and say to
themselves that here is something that ought to be looked into right away
and immediately open a bag and start picking out the proper utensils。
You go into a doctor's office and tell him you do not feel the best in the
world and he gives you a look and excuses himself； and steps into the
next room and begins greasing a saw。
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Mind you； in these casual observations as compiled by me while
bedfast and here given utterance； I am not seeking to disparage possibly
the noblest of professions。 Lately I have owed much to it。 I am strictly
on the doctor's side。 He is with us when we come into the world and
with us when we go out of it； oftentimes lending a helping hand on both
occasions。 Anyway； our sympathies should especially go out to the
medical profession at this particular time when the anti…vivisectionists are
railing so loudly against the doctors。 The anti…vivisection crusade has
enlisted widely different classes in the community； including many lovers
of our dumb…animal petsand aren't some of them the dumbest things you
ever saw！especially chow dogs and love birds。
I will admit there is something to be said on both sides of the argument。
This dissecting of live subjects may have been carried to extremes on
occasions。 When I read in the medical journals that the eminent Doctor
Somebody succeeded in transferring the interior department of a pelican to
a pointer pup； and vice versa with such success that the pup drowned
while diving for minnows； and the pelican went out in the back yard and
barked himself to death baying at the moon； I am interested naturally； but；
possibly because of my ignorance； I fail to see wherein the treatment of
infantile paralysis has been materially advanced。 On the other hand I
would rather the kind and gentle Belgian hare should be offered up as a
sacrifice upon the operating table and leave behind him a large family of
little Belgian heirs and heiressesdependent upon the charity of a cruel
worldthan that I should have something painful which can be avoided
through making him a martyr。 I would rather any white rabbit on earth
should have the Asiatic cholera twice than that I should have it just once。
These are my sincere convictions； and I will not attempt to disguise them。
Thanks too； to medical science we know about germs and serums and
diets and all that。 Our less fortunate ancestors didn't know about them。
They were befogged in ignorance。 As recently as the generation
immediately preceding ours people were unacquainted with the simplest
rules of hygiene。 They didn't care whether the housefly wiped his feet
before he came into the house or not。 The gentleman with the drooping；
cream…separator mustache was at perfect liberty to use the common
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drinking cup on the railroad train。 The appendix lurked in its snug retreat；
undisturbed by the prying fingers of curiosity。 The fever…bearing skeeter
buzzed and flitted； stinging where he pleased。 The germ theory was
unfathomed。 Suitable food for an invalid was anything the invalid could
afford to buy。 Fresh air； and more especially fresh night air； was regarded
as dangerous； and people hermetically sealed themselves in before retiring。
Not daily as at present was the world gladdened by the tidings that science
had unearthed some new and particularly unpleasant disease。 It never
occurred to a mother that she should sterilize the slipper before spanking
her offspring。 Babies were not reared antiseptically； but just so。
Nobody was aware of microbes。
In short； our sires and our grandsires abode in the midst of perils。 They
were surrounded on all sides by things that are immediately fatal to the
human system。 Not a single one of them had a right to pass his second
birthday。 In the light of what we know； we realize that by now this world
should be but a barren waste dotted at frequent intervals with large
graveyards and populated only by a few dispossessed and hungry bacteria；
hanging over the cemetery fence singing： Driven From Home！
In the conditions generally prevalent up to twenty…five years ago； most
of us never had any license； really； to be born at all。 Yet look how many
of us are now here。 In this age of research I hesitate to attempt to
account for it； except on the entirely unscientific theory that what you
don't know doesn't hurt you。 Doubtless a physician could give you a better
explanation； but his would cost you more than mine has。
But we digress。 Let us get back to our main subject； which is myself。
I shall never forget my first real meal in that hospital。 There was quite a
good deal of talk about it beforehand。 My nurse kept telling me that on
the next day the doctor had promised I might have something to eat。 I
could hardly wait。 I had visions of a tenderloin steak smothered in fried
onions； and some French…fried potatoes； and a tall table…limit stack of
wheat cakes； and a few other incidental comfits and kickshaws。 I could
hardly wait for that meal。
The next day came and she brought it to me； and I partook thereof。 It
was the white of an egg。 For dessert I licked a stamp； but this I did
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clandestinely and by stealth； without saying anything about it to her。 I
was not supposed to have any sweets。
On the occasion of the next feast
