letters of cicero-第3章

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etter　from　you；　I　am　in　such　floods　of　tears　that　I　cannot　endure　it。　Oh；　that　I　had　clung　less　to　life！　I　should　at　least　never　have　known　real　sorrow；　or　not　much　of　it；　in　my　life。　Yet　if　fortune　has　reserved　for　me　any　hope　of　recovering　at　any　time　any　position　again；　I　was　not　utterly　wrong　to　do　so：　if　these　miseries　are　to　be　permanent；　I　only　wish；　my　dear；　to　see　you　as　soon　as　possible　and　to　die　in　your　arms；　since　neither　gods；　whom　you　have　worshipped　with　such　pure　devotion；　nor　men；　whom　I　have　ever　served；　have　made　us　any　return。　I　have　been　thirteen　days　at　Brundisium　in　the　house　of　M。　Laenius　Flaccus；　a　very　excellent　man；　who　has　despised　the　risk　to　his　fortunes　and　civil　existence　in　comparison　to　keeping　me　safe；　nor　has　been　induced　by　the　penalty　of　a　most　iniquitous　law　to　refuse　me　the　rights　and　good　offices　of　hospitality　and　friendship。　May　I　sometime　have　the　opportunity　of　repaying　him！　Feel　gratitude　I　always　shall。　I　set　out　from　Brundisium　on　the　29th　of　April；　and　intend　going　through　Macedonia　to　Cyzicus。　What　a　fall！　What　a　disaster！　What　can　I　say？　Should　I　ask　you　to　comea　woman　of　weak　health　and　broken　spirit？　Should　I　refrain　from　asking　you？　Am　I　to　be　without　you；　then？　I　think　the　best　course　is　this：　if　there　is　any　hope　of　my　restoration；　stay　to　promote　it　and　push　the　thing　on：　but　if；　as　I　fear；　it　proves　hopeless；　pray　come　to　me　by　any　means　in　your　power。　Be　sure　of　this；　that　if　I　have　you　I　shall　not　think　myself　wholly　lost。　But　what　is　to　become　of　my　darling　Tullia？　You　must　see　to　that　now：　I　can　think　of　nothing。　But　certainly；　however　things　turn　out；　we　must　do　everything　to　promote　that　poor　little　girl's　married　happiness　and　reputation。　Again；　what　is　my　boy　Cicero　to　do？　Let　him；　at　any　rate；　be　ever　in　my　bosom　and　in　my　arms。　I　can't　write　more。　A　fit　of　weeping　hinders　me。　I　don't　know　how　you　have　got　on；　whether　you　are　left　in　possession　of　anything；　or　have　been；　as　I　fear；　entirely　plundered。　Piso；　as　you　say；　I　hope　will　always　be　our　friend。　As　to　the　manumission　of　the　slaves　you　need　not　be　uneasy。　To　begin　with；　the　promise　made　to　yours　was　that　you　would　treat　them　according　as　each　severally　deserved。　So　far　Orpheus　has　behaved　well；　besides　him　no　one　very　markedly　so。　With　the　rest　of　the　slaves　the　arrangement　is　that；　if　my　property　is　forfeited；　they　should　become　my　freedmen；　supposing　them　to　be　able　to　maintain　at　law　that　status。　But　if　my　property　remained　in　my　ownership；　they　were　to　continue　slaves；　with　the　exception　of　a　very　few。　But　these　are　trifles。　To　return　to　your　advice；　that　I　should　keep　up　my　courage　and　not　give　up　hope　of　recovering　my　position；　I　only　wish　that　there　were　any　good　grounds　for　entertaining　such　a　hope。　As　it　is；　when；　alas！　shall　I　get　a　letter　from　you？　Who　will　bring　it　me？　I　would　have　waited　for　it　at　Brundisium；　but　the　sailors　would　not　allow　it；　being　unwilling　to　lose　a　favourable　wind。　For　the　rest；　put　as　dignified　a　face　on　the　matter　as　you　can；　my　dear　Terentia。　Our　life　is　over：　we　have　had　our　day：　it　is　not　any　fault　of　ours　that　has　ruined　us；　but　our　virtue。　I　have　made　no　false　step；　except　in　not　losing　my　life　when　I　lost　my　honours。　But　since　our　children　preferred　my　living；　let　us　bear　everything　else；　however　intolerable。　And　yet　I；　who　encourage　you；　cannot　encourage　myself。　I　have　sent　that　faithful　fellow　Clodius　Philhetaerus　home；　because　he　was　hampered　with　weakness　of　the　eyes。　Sallustius　seems　likely　to　outdo　everybody　in　his　attentions。　Pescennius　is　exceedingly　kind　to　me；　and　I　have　hopes　that　he　will　always　be　attentive　to　you。　Sicca　had　said　that　he　would　accompany　me；　but　he　has　left　Brundisium。　Take　the　greatest　care　of　your　health；　and　believe　me　that　I　am　more　affected　by　your　distress　than　my　own。　My　dear　Terentia；　most　faithful　and　best　of　wives；　and　my　darling　little　daughter；　and　that　last　hope　of　my　race；　Cicero；　good…bye！

29　April；　from　Brundisium。

VI

To　His　BROTHER　QUINTUS　（ON　HIS　WAY　TO　ROME）

THESSALONICA；　15　JUNE

BROTHER！　Brother！　Brother！　did　you　really　fear　that　I　had　been　induced　by　some　angry　feeling　to　send　slaves　to　you　without　a　letter？　Or　even　that　I　did　not　wish　to　see　you？　I　to　be　angry　with　you！　Is　it　possible　for　me　to　be　angry　with　you？　Why；　one　would　think　that　it　was　you　that　brought　me　low！　Your　enemies；　your　unpopularity；　that　miserably　ruined　me；　and　not　I　that　unhappily　ruined　you！　The　fact　is；　the　much…praised　consulate　of　mine　has　deprived　me　of　you；　of　children；　country；　fortune；　from　you　I　should　hope　it　will　have　taken　nothing　but　myself。　Certainly　on　your　side　I　have　experienced　nothing　but　what　was　honourable　and　gratifying：　on　mine　you　have　grief　for　my　fall　and　fear　for　your　own；　regret；　mourning；　desertion。　I　not　wish　to　see　you？　The　truth　is　rather　that　I　was　unwilling　to　be　seen　by　you。　For　you　would　not　have　seen　your　brothernot　the　brother　you　had　left；　not　the　brother　you　knew；　not　him　to　whom　you　had　with　mutual　tears　bidden　farewell　as　be　followed　you　on　your　departure　for　your　province：　not　a　trace　even　or　faint　image　of　him；　but　rather　what　I　may　call　the　likeness　of　a　living　corpse。　And　oh　that　you　had　sooner　seen　me　or　heard　of　me　as　a　corpse！　Oh　that　I　could　have　left　you　to　survive；　not　my　life　merely；　but　my　undiminished　rank！　But　I　call　all　the　gods　to　witness　that　the　one　argument　which　recalled　me　from　death　was；　that　all　declared　that　to　some　extent　your　life　depended　upon　mine。　In　which　matter　I　made　an　error　and　acted　culpably。　For　if　I　had　died；　that　death　itself　would　have　given　clear　evidence　of　my　fidelity　and　love　to　you。　As　it　is；　I　have　allowed　you　to　be　deprived　of　my　aid；　though　I　am　alive；　and　with　me　still　living　to　need　the　help　of　others；　and　my　voice；　of　all　others；　to　fail　when　dangers　threatened　my　family；　which　had　so　often　been　successfully　used　in　the　defence　of　the　merest　strangers。　For　as　to　the　slaves　coming　to　you　without　a　letter；　the　real　reason　（for　you　see　that　it　was　not　anger）　was　a　deadness　of　my　faculties；　and　a　seemingly　endless　deluge　of　tears　and　sorrows。　How　many　tears　do　you　suppose　these　very　words　have　cost　me？　As　many　as　I　know　they　will　cost　you　to　read　them！　Can　I　ever　refrain　from　thinking　of　you　or　ever　think　of　you　without　tears？　For　when　I　miss　you；　is　it　only　a　brother　that　I　miss？　Rather　it　is　a　brother　of　almost　my　own　age　in　the　charm　of　his　companionship；　a　son　in　his　consideration　for　my　wishes；　a　father　in　the　wisdom　of　his　advice！　What　pleasure　did　I　ever　have　without　you；　or　you　without　me？　And　what　must　my　case　be　when　at　the　same　time　I　miss　a　daughter：　How　affectionate！　how　modest！　how　clever！　The　express　image　of　my　face；　of　my　speech；　of　my　very　soul！　Or　again　a　son；　the　prettiest　boy；　the　very　joy　of　my　heart？　Cruel　inhuman　monster　that　I　am；　I　dismissed　him　from　my　arms　better　schooled　in　the　world　than　I　could　have　wished：　for　the　poor　child　began　to　understand　what　was　going　on。　So；　too；　your　own　son；　your　own　image；　whom　my　little　Cicero　loved　as　a　brother；　and　was　now　beginning　to　respect　as　an　elder　brother！　Need　I　mention　also　how　I　refused　to　allow　my　unhappy　wifethe　truest　of　helpmatesto　accompany　me；　that　there　might　be　some　one　to　protect　the　wrecks　of　the　calamity　which　had　fallen　on　us　both；　and　guard　our　common　children？　Nevertheless；　to　the　best　of　my　ability；　I　did　write　a　letter　to　you；　and　gave　it　to　your　freedman　Philogonus；　which；　I　believe；　was　delivered　to　you　later　on；　and　in　this　I　repeat　the　advice　and　entreaty；　which　had　been　already　transmitted　to　you　as　a　message　from　me　by　my　slaves；　that　you　should　go　on　with　your　journey　and　hasten　to　Rome。　For；　in　the　first　place；　I　desired　your　protection；　in　case　there　were　any　of　my　enemies　whose　cruelty　was　not　yet　satisfied　by　my　fall。　In　the　next　place；　I　dreaded　the　renewed　lamentation　which　our　meeting　would　cause：　while　I　could　not　have　borne　your　departure；　and　was　afraid　of　the　very　thing　you　mention　in　your　letterthat　you　would　be　unable　to　tear　yourself　away。　For　these　reasons　the　supreme　pain　of　not　seeing　youand　nothing　more　painful　or　more　wretched　could；　I　think；　have　happened　to　the　most　affectionate　and　united　of　brotherswas　a　less　misery　than　would　have　been　such　a　meeting　followed　by　such　a　parting。　Now；　if　you　can；　though　I；　whom　you　always　regarded　as　a　brave　man；　cannot　do　so；　rouse　yourself　and　collect　your　energies　in　view　of　any　contest　you　may　have　to　confront。　I　hope；　if　my　hope　has　anything　to　go　upon；　that　your　own　spotless　character　and　the　love　of　your　fellow　citizens；　and　even　remorse　for　my　treatment；　may　prove　a　certain　protection　to　you。　But　if　it　turns　out　that　you　are　free　from　personal　danger；　you　will　doubtless　do　whatever　you　think　can　be　done　for　me。　In　that　matter；　indeed；　many　write　to　me　at　great　length　and　declare　they　have　hopes；　but　I　personally　cannot　see　what　hope　there　is；　since　my　enemies　have　the　greatest　influence；　while　my　friends　have　in　some　cases　deserted；　in　others　even　betrayed　me；　fearing　perhaps　in　my　restoration　a　censure　on　their　own　treacherous　conduct。　But　how　matters　stand　with　you　I　would　have　you　ascertain　and　report　to　me。　In　any　case　I　shall　continue　to　live　as　long　as　you　shall　need　me；　in　view　of　any　danger　you　may　have　to　undergo：　longer　than　that　I　cannot　go　in　this　kind　of　life。　For　there　is　neither　wisdom　nor　philosophy　with　sufficient　strength　to　sustain　such　a　weight　of　grief。　I　know　that　there　has　been　a　time　for　dying；　more　honourable　and　more　advantageous；　and　this　is　not　the　only　one　of　my　many　omissions；　which；　if　I　should　choose　to　bewail；　I　should　merely　be　increasing　your　sorrow　and　emphasizing　my　own　stupidity。　But　one　thing　I　am　not　bound　to　do；　and　it　is　in　fact　impossibleremain　in　a　life　so　wretched　and　so　dishonoured　any　longer　than　your　necessities；　or　some　well…grounded　hope；　shall　demand。　For　I；　who　was　lately　supremely　blessed　in　brother；　children；　wife；　wealth；　and　in　the　very　nature　of　that　wealth；　while　in　position；　influence；　reputation；　and　popularity；　I　was　inferior　to　none；　however；　distinguishedI　cannot；　I　repeat。　go　on　longer　lamenting　over　myself　and　those　dear　to　me　in　a　life　of　such　humiliation　as　this；　and　in　a　state　of　such　utter　ruin。　Wherefore；　what　do　you　mean　by　writing　to　me　about　negotiating　a　bill　of　exchange？　As　though　I　were　not　now　wholly　dependent　on　your　means！　And　that　is　just　the　very　thing　in　which　1　see　and　feel；　to　my　misery；　of　what　a　culpable　act　I　have　been　guilty　in　squandering　to　no　purpose　the　money　which　I　received　from　the　treasury　in　your　name；　while　you　have　to　satisfy　your　creditors　out　of　the　very　vitals　of　yourself　and　your　son。　However；　the　sum　mentioned　in　your　letter　has　been　paid　to　M。　Antonius；　and　the　same　amount　to　Caepio。　For　me　the　sum　at　present　in　my　hands　is　sufficient　for　what　I　contemplate　doing。　For　in　either　casewhether　I　am　restored　or　given　up　in　despairI　shall　not　want　any　more　money。　For　yourself；　if　you　are　molested；　I　think　you　should　apply　to　Crassus　and　Calidius。　I　don't　know　how　far　Hortensius　is　to　be　trusted。　Myself；　with　the　most　elaborate　presence　of　affection　and　the　closest　daily　intimacy；　he　treated　with　the　most　utter　want　of　principle　and　thc　most　consummate　treachery；　and　Q。　Arrius　helped　him　in　it：　acting　und