the magic skin(驴皮记)-第17章

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life　with　a　pen　in　my　fingers。　I　liked　talking；　but　I　went　to　sit　and
mutely　listen　to　professors　who　gave　public　lectures　at　the
Bibliotheque　or　the　Museum。　I　slept　upon　my　solitary　pallet　like　a
Benedictine　brother；　though　woman　was　my　one　chimera；　a　chimera　that
fled　from　me　as　I　wooed　it！　In　short；　my　life　has　been　a　cruel
contradiction；　a　perpetual　cheat。　After　that；　judge　a　man！

〃Sometimes　my　natural　propensities　broke　out　like　a　fire　long
smothered。　I　was　debarred　from　the　women　whose　society　I　desired；
stripped　of　everything　and　lodged　in　an　artist's　garret；　and　by　a　sort
of　mirage　or　calenture　I　was　surrounded　by　captivating　mistresses。　I
drove　through　the　streets　of　Paris；　lolling　on　the　soft　cushions　of　a
fine　equipage。　I　plunged　into　dissipation；　into　corroding　vice；　I
desired　and　possessed　everything；　for　fasting　had　made　me　light…headed
like　the　tempted　Saint　Anthony。　Slumber；　happily；　would　put　an　end　at
last　to　these　devastating　trances；　and　on　the　morrow　science　would
beckon　me；　smiling；　and　I　was　faithful　to　her。　I　imagine　that　women
reputed　virtuous；　must　often　fall　a　prey　to　these　insane　tempests　of
desire　and　passion；　which　rise　in　us　in　spite　of　ourselves。　Such
dreams　have　a　charm　of　their　own；　they　are　something　akin　to　evening
gossip　round　the　winter　fire；　when　one　sets　out　for　some　voyage　in
China。　But　what　becomes　of　virtue　during　these　delicious　excursions；
when　fancy　overleaps　all　difficulties？

〃During　the　first　ten　months　of　seclusion　I　led　the　life　of　poverty
and　solitude　that　I　have　described　to　you；　I　used　to　steal　out
unobserved　every　morning　to　buy　my　own　provisions　for　the　day；　I
tidied　my　room；　I　was　at　once　master　and　servant；　and　played　the
Diogenes　with　incredible　spirit。　But　afterwards；　while　my　hostess　and
her　daughter　watched　my　ways　and　behavior；　scrutinized　my　appearance
and　divined　my　poverty；　there　could　not　but　be　some　bonds　between　us；
perhaps　because　they　were　themselves　so　very　poor。　Pauline；　the
charming　child；　whose　latent　and　unconscious　grace　had；　in　a　manner；
brought　me　there；　did　me　many　services　that　I　could　not　well　refuse。
All　women　fallen　on　evil　days　are　sisters；　they　speak　a　common
language；　they　have　the　same　generositythe　generosity　that　possesses
nothing；　and　so　is　lavish　of　its　affection；　of　its　time；　and　of　its
very　self。

〃Imperceptibly　Pauline　took　me　under　her　protection；　and　would　do
things　for　me。　No　kind　of　objection　was　made　by　her　mother；　whom　I
even　surprised　mending　my　linen；　she　blushed　for　the　charitable
occupation。　In　spite　of　myself；　they　took　charge　of　me；　and　I　accepted
their　services。

〃In　order　to　understand　the　peculiar　condition　of　my　mind；　my
preoccupation　with　work　must　be　remembered；　the　tyranny　of　ideas；　and
the　instinctive　repugnance　that　a　man　who　leads　an　intellectual　life
must　ever　feel　for　the　material　details　of　existence。　Could　I　well
repulse　the　delicate　attentions　of　Pauline；　who　would　noiselessly
bring　me　my　frugal　repast；　when　she　noticed　that　I　had　taken　nothing
for　seven　or　eight　hours？　She　had　the　tact　of　a　woman　and　the
inventiveness　of　a　child；　she　would　smile　as　she　made　sign　to　me　that
I　must　not　see　her。　Ariel　glided　under　my　roof　in　the　form　of　a　sylph
who　foresaw　every　want　of　mine。

〃One　evening　Pauline　told　me　her　story　with　touching　simplicity。　Her
father　had　been　a　major　in　the　horse　grenadiers　of　the　Imperial　Guard。
He　had　been　taken　prisoner　by　the　Cossacks；　at　the　passage　of
Beresina；　and　when　Napoleon　later　on　proposed　an　exchange；　the　Russian
authorities　made　search　for　him　in　Siberia　in　vain；　he　had　escaped
with　a　view　of　reaching　India；　and　since　then　Mme。　Gaudin；　my
landlady；　could　hear　no　news　of　her　husband。　Then　came　the　disasters
of　1814　and　1815；　and；　left　alone　and　without　resource；　she　had
decided　to　let　furnished　lodgings　in　order　to　keep　herself　and　her
daughter。

〃She　always　hoped　to　see　her　husband　again。　Her　greatest　trouble　was
about　her　daughter's　education；　the　Princess　Borghese　was　her
Pauline's　godmother；　and　Pauline　must　not　be　unworthy　of　the　fair
future　promised　by　her　imperial　protectress。　When　Mme。　Gaudin　confided
to　me　this　heavy　trouble　that　preyed　upon　her；　she　said；　with　sharp
pain　in　her　voice；　'I　would　give　up　the　property　and　the　scrap　of
paper　that　makes　Gaudin　a　baron　of　the　empire；　and　all　our　rights　to
the　endowment　of　Wistchnau；　if　only　Pauline　could　be　brought　up　at
Saint…Denis？'　Her　words　struck　me；　now　I　could　show　my　gratitude　for
the　kindnesses　expended　on　me　by　the　two　women；　all　at　once　the　idea
of　offering　to　finish　Pauline's　education　occurred　to　me；　and　the
offer　was　made　and　accepted　in　the　most　perfect　simplicity。　In　this
way　I　came　to　have　some　hours　of　recreation。　Pauline　had　natural
aptitude；　she　learned　so　quickly；　that　she　soon　surpassed　me　at　the
piano。　As　she　became　accustomed　to　think　aloud　in　my　presence；　she
unfolded　all　the　sweet　refinements　of　a　heart　that　was　opening　itself
out　to　life；　as　some　flower…cup　opens　slowly　to　the　sun。　She　listened
to　me；　pleased　and　thoughtful；　letting　her　dark　velvet　eyes　rest　upon
me　with　a　half　smile　in　them；　she　repeated　her　lessons　in　soft　and
gentle　tones；　and　showed　childish　glee　when　I　was　satisfied　with　her。
Her　mother　grew　more　and　more　anxious　every　day　to　shield　the　young
girl　from　every　danger　（for　all　the　beauty　promised　in　early　life　was
developing　in　the　crescent　moon）；　and　was　glad　to　see　her　spend　whole
days　indoors　in　study。　My　piano　was　the　only　one　she　could　use；　and
while　I　was　out　she　practised　on　it。　When　I　came　home；　Pauline　would
be　in　my　room；　in　her　shabby　dress；　but　her　slightest　movement
revealed　her　slender　figure　in　its　attractive　grace；　in　spite　of　the
coarse　materials　that　she　wore。　As　with　the　heroine　of　the　fable　of
'Peau…d'Ane；'　a　dainty　foot　peeped　out　of　the　clumsy　shoes。　But　all
her　wealth　of　girlish　beauty　was　as　lost　upon　me。　I　had　laid　commands
upon　myself　to　see　a　sister　only　in　Pauline。　I　dreaded　lest　I　should
betray　her　mother's　faith　in　me。　I　admired　the　lovely　girl　as　if　she
had　been　a　picture；　or　as　the　portrait　of　a　dead　mistress；　she　was　at
once　my　child　and　my　statue。　For　me；　another　Pygmalion；　the　maiden
with　the　hues　of　life　and　the　living　voice　was　to　become　a　form　of
inanimate　marble。　I　was　very　strict　with　her；　but　the　more　I　made　her
feel　my　pedagogue's　severity；　the　more　gentle　and　submissive　she　grew。

〃If　a　generous　feeling　strengthened　me　in　my　reserve　and　self…
restraint；　prudent　considerations　were　not　lacking　beside。　Integrity
of　purpose　cannot；　I　think；　fail　to　accompany　integrity　in　money
matters。　To　my　mind；　to　become　insolvent　or　to　betray　a　woman　is　the
same　sort　of　thing。　If　you　love　a　young　girl；　or　allow　yourself　to　be
beloved　by　her；　a　contract　is　implied；　and　its　conditions　should　be
thoroughly　understood。　We　are　free　to　break　with　the　woman　who　sells
herself；　but　not　with　the　young　girl　who　has　given　herself　to　us　and
does　not　know　the　extent　of　her　sacrifice。　I　must　have　married
Pauline；　and　that　would　have　been　madness。　Would　it　not　have　given
over　that　sweet　girlish　heart　to　terrible　misfortunes？　My　poverty　made
its　selfish　voice　heard；　and　set　an　iron　barrier　between　that　gentle
nature　and　mine。　Besides；　I　am　ashamed　to　say；　that　I　cannot　imagine
love　in　the　midst　of　poverty。　Perhaps　this　is　a　vitiation　due　to　that
malady　of　mankind　called　civilization；　but　a　woman　in　squalid　poverty
would　exert　no　fascination　over　me；　were　she　attractive　as　Homer's
Galatea；　the　fair　Helen。

〃Ah；　vive　l'amour！　But　let　it　be　in　silk　and　cashmere；　surrounded　with
the　luxury　which　so　marvelously　embellishes　it；　for　is　it　not　perhaps
itself　a　luxury？　I　enjoy　making　havoc　with　an　elaborate　erection　of
scented　hair；　I　like　to　crush　flowers；　to　disarrange　and　crease　a
smart　toilette　at　will。　A　bizarre　attraction　lies　for　me　in　burning
eyes　that　blaze　through　a　lace　veil；　like　flame　through　cannon　smoke。
My　way　of　love　would　be　to　mount　by　a　silken　ladder；　in　the　silence　of
a　winter　night。　And　what　bliss　to　reach；　all　powdered　with　snow；　a
perfumed　room；　with　hangings　of　painted　silk；　to　find　a　woman　there；
who　likewise　shakes　away　the　snow　from　her；　for　what　other　name　can　be
found　for　the　white　muslin　wrappings　that　vaguely　define　her；　like
some　angel　form　issuing　from　a　cloud！　And　then　I　wish　for　furtive
joys；　for　the　security　of　audacity。　I　want　to　see　once　more　that　woman
of　mystery；　but　let　it　be　in　the　throng；　dazzling；　unapproachable；
adored　on　all　sides；　dressed　in　laces　and　ablaze　with　diamonds；　laying
her　commands　upon　every　one；　so　exalted　above　us；　that　she　inspires
awe；　and　none　dares　to　pay　his　homage　to　her。

〃She　gives　me　a　stolen　glance；　amid　her　court；　a　look　that　exposes　the
unreality　of　all　this；　that　resigns　for　me　the　world　and　all　men　in
it！　Truly　I　have　scorned　myself　for　a　passion　for　a　few　yards　of　lace；
velvet；　and　fine　lawn；　and　the　hairdresser's　feats　of　skill；　a　love　of
wax…lights；　a　carriage　and　a　title；　a　heraldic　coronet　painted　on
window　panes；　or　engraved　by　a　jeweler；　in　short；　a　liking　for　all
that　is　adventitious　and　least　woman　in　woman。　I　have　scorned　and
reasoned　with　myself；　but　all　in　vain。

〃A　woman　of　rank　with　her　subtle　smile；　her　high…born　air；　and　self…
esteem　captivates　me。　The　barriers　she　erects　between　herself　and　the
world　awaken　my　vanity；　a　good　half　of　love。　There　would　be　more
relish　for　me　in　bliss　that　all　others　envied。　If　my　mistress　does
nothing　that　other　women　do；　and　neither　lives　nor　conducts　herself
like　them；　wears　a　cloak　that　they　cannot　attain；　breathes　a　perfume
of　her　own；　then　she　seems　to　rise　far　above　me。　The　further　she　rises
from　earth；　even　in　the　earthlier　aspects　of　love；　the　fairer　she
becomes　for　me。

〃Luckily　for　me　we　have　had　no　queen　in　France　these　twenty　years；　for
I　should　have　fallen　in　love　with　her。　A　woman　must　be　wealthy　to
acquire　the　manners　of　a　princess。　What　place　had　Pauline　among　these
far…fetched　imaginings？　Could　she　bring　me　the　love　that　is　death；
that　brings　every　faculty　into　play；　the　nights　that　are　paid　for　by
life？　We　hardly　die；　I　think；　for　an　insignificant　girl　who　gives
herself　to　us；　and　I　could　never　extinguish　these　feelings　and　poet's
dreams　within　me。　I　was　born　for　an　inaccessible　love；　and　fortune　has
overtopped　my　desire。

〃How　often　have　I　set　satin　shoes　on　Pauline's　tiny　feet；　confined　her
form；　slender　as　a　young　poplar；　in　a　robe　of　gauze；　and　thrown　a
loose　scarf　about　her　as　I　saw　her　tread　the　carpets　in　her　mansion
and　led　her　out　to　her　splendid　carriage！　In　such　guise　I　should　have
adored　her。　I　endowed　her　with　all　the　pride　she　lacked；　stripped　her
of　her　virtues；　her　natural　simple　charm；　and　frank　smile；　in　order　to
plunge　her　heart　in　our　Styx　of　depravity　that　makes　invulnerable；
load　her　with　our　crimes；　make　of　her　the　fantastical　doll　of　our
drawing…rooms；　the　frail　being　who　lies　about　in　the　morning　and　comes
to　life　again　at　night　with　the　dawn　of　tapers。　Pauline　was　fresh…
hearted　and　affectionateI　would　have　had　her　cold　and　formal。

〃In　the　last　days　of　my　frantic　folly；　memory　brought　Pauline　before
me；　as　it　brings　the　scenes　of　our　childhood；　and　mad