the magic skin(驴皮记)-第13章

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dulness；　I　disown　you。　Make　your　confession；　and　no　lies！　I　don't　at
all　want　a　historical　memoir。　And；　above　all　things；　be　as　concise　as
your　clouded　intellect　permits；　I　am　as　critical　as　a　professor；　and
as　sleepy　as　a　woman　at　her　vespers。〃

〃You　silly　fool！〃　said　Raphael。　〃When　has　not　suffering　been　keener
for　a　more　susceptible　nature？　Some　day　when　science　has　attained　to　a
pitch　that　enables　us　to　study　the　natural　history　of　hearts；　when
they　are　named　and　classified　in　genera；　sub…genera；　and　families；
into　crustaceae；　fossils；　saurians；　infusoria；　or　whatever　it　is；
then；　my　dear　fellow；　it　will　be　ascertained　that　there　are　natures　as
tender　and　fragile　as　flowers；　that　are　broken　by　the　slight　bruises
that　some　stony　hearts　do　not　even　feel〃

〃For　pity's　sake；　spare　me　thy　exordium；〃　said　Emile；　as；　half
plaintive；　half　amused；　he　took　Raphael's　hand。



II

A　WOMAN　WITHOUT　A　HEART

After　a　moment's　silence；　Raphael　said　with　a　careless　gesture：

〃Perhaps　it　is　an　effect　of　the　fumes　of　punchI　really　cannot　tell
this　clearness　of　mind　that　enables　me　to　comprise　my　whole　life　in　a
single　picture；　where　figures　and　hues；　lights；　shades；　and　half…tones
are　faithfully　rendered。　I　should　not　have　been　so　surprised　at　this
poetical　play　of　imagination　if　it　were　not　accompanied　with　a　sort　of
scorn　for　my　past　joys　and　sorrows。　Seen　from　afar；　my　life　appears　to
contract　by　some　mental　process。　That　long；　slow　agony　of　ten　years'
duration　can　be　brought　to　memory　to…day　in　some　few　phrases；　in　which
pain　is　resolved　into　a　mere　idea；　and　pleasure　becomes　a
philosophical　reflection。　Instead　of　feeling　things；　I　weigh　and
consider　them〃

〃You　are　as　tiresome　as　the　explanation　of　an　amendment；〃　cried　Emile。

〃Very　likely；〃　said　Raphael　submissively。　〃I　spare　you　the　first
seventeen　years　of　my　life　for　fear　of　abusing　a　listener's　patience。
Till　that　time；　like　you　and　thousands　of　others；　I　had　lived　my　life
at　school　or　the　lycee；　with　its　imaginary　troubles　and　genuine
happinesses；　which　are　so　pleasant　to　look　back　upon。　Our　jaded
palates　still　crave　for　that　Lenten　fare；　so　long　as　we　have　not　tried
it　afresh。　It　was　a　pleasant　life；　with　the　tasks　that　we　thought　so
contemptible；　but　which　taught　us　application　for　all　that。　。　。　。〃

〃Let　the　drama　begin；〃　said　Emile；　half…plaintively；　half…comically。

〃When　I　left　school；〃　Raphael　went　on；　with　a　gesture　that　claimed　the
right　of　speaking；　〃my　father　submitted　me　to　a　strict　discipline；　he
installed　me　in　a　room　near　his　own　study；　and　I　had　to　rise　at　five
in　the　morning　and　be　in　bed　by　nine　at　night。　He　meant　me　to　take　my
law　studies　seriously。　I　attended　the　Schools；　and　read　with　an
advocate　as　well；　but　my　lectures　and　work　were　so　narrowly
circumscribed　by　the　laws　of　time　and　space；　and　my　father　required
such　a　strict　account　of　my　doings；　at　dinner；　that　。　。　。〃

〃What　is　this　to　me？〃　asked　Emile。

〃The　devil　take　you！〃　said　Raphael。　〃How　are　you　to　enter　into　my
feelings　if　I　do　not　relate　the　facts　that　insensibly　shaped　my
character；　made　me　timid；　and　prolonged　the　period　of　youthful
simplicity？　In　this　manner　I　cowered　under　as　strict　a　despotism　as　a
monarch's　till　I　came　of　age。　To　depict　the　tedium　of　my　life；　it　will
be　perhaps　enough　to　portray　my　father　to　you。　He　was　tall；　thin；　and
slight；　with　a　hatchet　face；　and　pale　complexion；　a　man　of　few　words；
fidgety　as　an　old　maid；　exacting　as　a　senior　clerk。　His　paternal
solicitude　hovered　over　my　merriment　and　gleeful　thoughts；　and　seemed
to　cover　them　with　a　leaden　pall。　Any　effusive　demonstration　on　my
part　was　received　by　him　as　a　childish　absurdity。　I　was　far　more
afraid　of　him　than　I　had　been　of　any　of　our　masters　at　school。

〃I　seem　to　see　him　before　me　at　this　moment。　In　his　chestnut…brown
frock…coat　he　looked　like　a　red　herring　wrapped　up　in　the　cover　of　a
pamphlet；　and　he　held　himself　as　erect　as　an　Easter　candle。　But　I　was
fond　of　my　father；　and　at　heart　he　was　right　enough。　Perhaps　we　never
hate　severity　when　it　has　its　source　in　greatness　of　character　and
pure　morals；　and　is　skilfully　tempered　with　kindness。　My　father；　it　is
true；　never　left　me　a　moment　to　myself；　and　only　when　I　was　twenty
years　old　gave　me　so　much　as　ten　francs　of　my　own；　ten　knavish
prodigals　of　francs；　such　a　hoard　as　I　had　long　vainly　desired；　which
set　me　a…dreaming　of　unutterable　felicity；　yet；　for　all　that　he　sought
to　procure　relaxations　for　me。　When　he　had　promised　me　a　treat
beforehand；　he　would　take　me　to　Les　Boufoons；　or　to　a　concert　or　ball；
where　I　hoped　to　find　a　mistress。　。　。　。　A　mistress！　that　meant
independence。　But　bashful　and　timid　as　I　was；　knowing　nobody；　and
ignorant　of　the　dialect　of　drawing…rooms；　I　always　came　back　as
awkward　as　ever；　and　swelling　with　unsatisfied　desires；　to　be　put　in
harness　like　a　troop　horse　next　day　by　my　father；　and　to　return　with
morning　to　my　advocate；　the　Palais　de　Justice；　and　the　law。　To　have
swerved　from　the　straight　course　which　my　father　had　mapped　out　for
me；　would　have　drawn　down　his　wrath　upon　me；　at　my　first　delinquency；
he　threatened　to　ship　me　off　as　a　cabin…boy　to　the　Antilles。　A
dreadful　shiver　ran　through　me　if　I　had　ventured　to　spend　a　couple　of
hours　in　some　pleasure　party。

〃Imagine　the　most　wandering　imagination　and　passionate　temperament；
the　tenderest　soul　and　most　artistic　nature；　dwelling　continually　in
the　presence　of　the　most　flint…hearted；　atrabilious；　and　frigid　man　on
earth；　think　of　me　as　a　young　girl　married　to　a　skeleton；　and　you　will
understand　the　life　whose　curious　scenes　can　only　be　a　hearsay　tale　to
you；　the　plans　for　running　away　that　perished　at　the　sight　of　my
father；　the　despair　soothed　by　slumber；　the　dark　broodings　charmed
away　by　music。　I　breathed　my　sorrows　forth　in　melodies。　Beethoven　or
Mozart　would　keep　my　confidences　sacred。　Nowadays；　I　smile　at
recollections　of　the　scruples　which　burdened　my　conscience　at　that
epoch　of　innocence　and　virtue。

〃If　I　set　foot　in　a　restaurant；　I　gave　myself　up　for　lost；　my　fancy
led　me　to　look　on　a　cafe　as　a　disreputable　haunt；　where　men　lost　their
characters　and　embarrassed　their　fortunes；　as　for　engaging　in　play；　I
had　not　the　money　to　risk。　Oh；　if　I　needed　to　send　you　to　sleep；　I
would　tell　you　about　one　of　the　most　frightful　pleasures　of　my　life；
one　of　those　pleasures　with　fangs　that　bury　themselves　in　the　heart　as
the　branding…iron　enters　the　convict's　shoulder。　I　was　at　a　ball　at
the　house　of　the　Duc　de　Navarreins；　my　father's　cousin。　But　to　make　my
position　the　more　perfectly　clear；　you　must　know　that　I　wore　a
threadbare　coat；　ill…fitting　shoes；　a　tie　fit　for　a　stableman；　and　a
soiled　pair　of　gloves。　I　shrank　into　a　corner　to　eat　ices　and　watch
the　pretty　faces　at　my　leisure。　My　father　noticed　me。　Actuated　by　some
motive　that　I　did　not　fathom；　so　dumfounded　was　I　by　this　act　of
confidence；　he　handed　me　his　keys　and　purse　to　keep。　Ten　paces　away
some　men　were　gambling。　I　heard　the　rattling　of　gold；　I　was　twenty
years　old；　I　longed　to　be　steeped　for　one　whole　day　in　the　follies　of
my　time　of　life。　It　was　a　license　of　the　imagination　that　would　find　a
parallel　neither　in　the　freaks　of　courtesans；　nor　in　the　dreams　of
young　girls。　For　a　year　past　I　had　beheld　myself　well　dressed；　in　a
carriage；　with　a　pretty　woman　by　my　side；　playing　the　great　lord；
dining　at　Very's；　deciding　not　to　go　back　home　till　the　morrow；　but
was　prepared　for　my　father　with　a　plot　more　intricate　than　the
Marriage　of　Figaro；　which　he　could　not　possibly　have　unraveled。　All
this　bliss　would　cost；　I　estimated；　fifty　crowns。　Was　it　not　the
artless　idea　of　playing　truant　that　still　had　charms　for　me？

〃I　went　into　a　small　adjoining　room；　and　when　alone　counted　my
father's　money　with　smarting　eyes　and　trembling　fingersa　hundred
crowns！　The　joys　of　my　escapade　rose　before　me　at　the　thought　of　the
amount；　joys　that　flitted　about　me　like　Macbeth's　witches　round　their
caldron；　joys　how　alluring！　how　thrilling！　how　delicious！　I　became　a
deliberate　rascal。　I　heeded　neither　my　tingling　ears　nor　the　violent
beating　of　my　heart；　but　took　out　two　twenty…franc　pieces　that　I　seem
to　see　yet。　The　dates　had　been　erased；　and　Bonaparte's　head　simpered
upon　them。　After　I　had　put　back　the　purse　in　my　pocket；　I　returned　to
the　gaming…table　with　the　two　pieces　of　gold　in　the　palms　of　my　damp
hands；　prowling　about　the　players　like　a　sparrow…hawk　round　a　coop　of
chickens。　Tormented　by　inexpressible　terror；　I　flung　a　sudden
clairvoyant　glance　round　me；　and　feeling　quite　sure　that　I　was　seen　by
none　of　my　acquaintance；　betted　on　a　stout；　jovial　little　man；　heaping
upon　his　head　more　prayers　and　vows　than　are　put　up　during　two　or
three　storms　at　sea。　Then；　with　an　intuitive　scoundrelism；　or
Machiavelism；　surprising　in　one　of　my　age；　I　went　and　stood　in　the
door；　and　looked　about　me　in　the　rooms；　though　I　saw　nothing；　for　both
mind　and　eyes　hovered　about　that　fateful　green　cloth。

〃That　evening　fixes　the　date　of　a　first　observation　of　a　physiological
kind；　to　it　I　owe　a　kind　of　insight　into　certain　mysteries　of　our
double　nature　that　I　have　since　been　enabled　to　penetrate。　I　had　my
back　turned　on　the　table　where　my　future　felicity　lay　at　stake；　a
felicity　but　so　much　the　more　intense　that　it　was　criminal。　Between　me
and　the　players　stood　a　wall　of　onlookers　some　five　feet　deep；　who
were　chatting；　the　murmur　of　voices　drowned　the　clinking　of　gold；
which　mingled　in　the　sounds　sent　up　by　this　orchestra；　yet；　despite
all　obstacles；　I　distinctly　heard　the　words　of　the　two　players　by　a
gift　accorded　to　the　passions；　which　enables　them　to　annihilate　time
and　space。　I　saw　the　points　they　made；　I　knew　which　of　the　two　turned
up　the　king　as　well　as　if　I　had　actually　seen　the　cards；　at　a　distance
of　ten　paces；　in　short；　the　fortunes　of　play　blanched　my　face。

〃My　father　suddenly　went　by；　and　then　I　knew　what　the　Scripture　meant
by　'The　Spirit　of　God　passed　before　his　face。'　I　had　won。　I　slipped
through　the　crowd　of　men　who　had　gathered　about　the　players　with　the
quickness　of　an　eel　escaping　through　a　broken　mesh　in　a　net。　My　nerves
thrilled　with　joy　instead　of　anguish。　I　felt　like　some　criminal　on　the
way　to　torture　released　by　a　chance　meeting　with　the　king。　It　happened
that　a　man　with　a　decoration　found　himself　short　by　forty　francs。
Uneasy　eyes　suspected　me；　I　turned　pale；　and　drops　of　perspiration
stood　on　my　forehead；　I　was　well　punished；　I　thought；　for　having
robbed　my　father。　Then　the　kind　little　stout　man　said；　in　a　voice　like
an　angel's　surely；　'All　these　gentlemen　have　paid　their　stakes；'　and
put　down　the　forty　francs　himself。　I　raised　my　head　in　triumph　upon
the　players。　After　I　had　returned　the　money　I　had　taken　from　it　to　my
father's　purse；　I　left　my　winnings　with　that　honest　and　worthy
gentleman；　who　continued　to　win。　As　soon　as　I　found　myself　possessed
of　a　hundred　and　sixty　francs；　I　wrapped　them　up　in　my　handkerchief；
so　that　they　could　neither　move　or　rattle　on　the　way　back；　and　I
played　no　more。

〃　'What　were　you　doing　at　the　card…table？'　said　my　father　as　we
stepped　into　the　carriage。

〃　'I　was　looking　on；'　I　answered；　trembling。

〃　'But　it　would　have　been　nothing