the professor(教授)-第26章
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much reserve as it was possible to combine with civility； affianced
as I am to you； I would give no man false hopes； believe me； dear
friend。” Still Pelet uttered murmurs of distrust—so I judged； at
least； from her reply。
“What folly！ How could I prefer an unknown foreigner to you？
And then—not to flatter your vanity—Crimsworth could not bear
comparison with you either physically or mentally； he is not a
handsome man at all； some may call him gentleman…like and
intelligent…looking； but for my part—”
The rest of the sentence was lost in the distance； as the pair；
rising from the chair in which they had been seated； moved away。
I waited their return； but soon the opening and shutting of a door
informed me that they had re…entered the house； I listened a little
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longer； all was perfectly still； I listened more than an hour—at last
I heard M。 Pelet come in and ascend to his chamber。 Glancing
once more towards the long front of the garden…house； I perceived
that its solitary light was at length extinguished； so； for a time； was
my faith is love and friendship。 I went to bed； but something
feverish and fiery had got into my veins which prevented me from
sleeping much that night。
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Chapter XIII
ext morning I rose with the dawn； and having dressed
Nmyself and stood half…an…hour； my elbow leaning on the
chest of drawers； considering what means I should adopt
to restore my spirits； fagged with sleeplessness； to their ordinary
tone—for I had no intention of getting up a scene with M。 Pelet；
reproaching him with perfidy； sending him a challenge； or
performing other gambadoes of the sort—I hit at last on the
expedient of walking out in the cool of the morning to a
neighbouring establishment of baths； and treating myself to a
bracing plunge。 The remedy produced the desired effect。 I came
back at seven o’clock steadied and invigorated； and was able to
greet M。 Pelet； when he entered to breakfast； with an unchanged
and tranquil countenance； even a cordial offering of the hand and
the flattering appellation of “mon fils；” pronounced in that
caressing tone with which Monsieur had； of late days especially；
been accustomed to address me； did not elicit any external sign of
the feeling which； though subdued； still glowed at my heart。 Not
that I nursed vengeance—no； but the sense of insult and treachery
lived in me like a kindling； though as yet smothered coal。 God
knows I am not by nature vindictive； I would not hurt a man
because I can no longer trust or like him； but neither my reason
nor feelings are of the vacillating order—they are not of that sand…
like sort where impressions； if soon made； are as soon effaced。
Once convinced that my friend’s disposition is incompatible with
my own； once assured that he is indelibly stained with certain
defects obnoxious to my principles； and I dissolve the connection。
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I did so with Edward。 As to Pelet； the discovery was yet new；
should I act thus with him？ It was the question I placed before my
mind as I stirred my cup of coffee with a half…pistolet （we never
had spoons）； Pelet meantime being seated opposite； his pallid face
looking as knowing and more haggard than usual； his blue eye
turned； now sternly on his boys and ushers； and now graciously on
me。
“Circumstances must guide me；” said I； and meeting Pelet’s
false glance and insinuating smile； I thanked heaven that I had last
night opened my window and read by the light of a full moon the
true meaning of that guileful countenance。 I felt half his master；
because the reality of his nature was now known to me； smile and
flatter as he would； I saw his soul lurk behind his smile； and heard
in every one of his smooth phrases a voice interpreting their
treacherous import。
But Zoraide Reuter？ Of course her defection had cut me to the
quick？ That stint； must have gone too deep for any consolations of
philosophy to be available in curing its smart？ Not at all。 The night
fever over； I looked about for balm to that wound also； and found
some nearer home than at Gilead。 Reason was my physician； she
began by proving that the prize I had missed was of little value：
she admitted that； physically； Zoraide might have suited me； but
affirmed that our souls were not in harmony； and that discord
must have resulted from the union of her mind with mine。 She
then insisted on the suppression of all repining； and commanded
me rather to rejoice that I had escaped a snare。 Her medicament
did me good。 I felt its strengthening effect when I met the
directress the next day； its stringent operation on the nerves
suffered no trembling； no faltering； it enabled me to face her with
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firmness； to pass her with ease。 She had held out her hand to me—
that I did not choose to see。 She had greeted me with a charming
smile—it fell on my heart like light on stone。 I passed on to the
estrade； she followed me； her eye； fastened on my face； demanded
of every feature the meaning of my changed and careless manner。
“I will give her an answer；” thought I； and； meeting her gaze full；
arresting； fixing her glance； I shot into her eyes； from my own； a
look； where there was no respect； no love； no tenderness； no
gallantry； where the strictest analysis could detect nothing but
scorn； hardihood； irony。 I made her bear it； and feel it； her steady
countenance did not change； but her colour rose； and she
approached me as if fascinated。 She stepped on to the estrade； and
stood close by my side； she had nothing to say。 I would not relieve
her embarrassment； and negligently turned over the leaves of a
book。
“I hope you feel quite recovered to…day；” at last she said； in a
low tone。
“And I； mademoiselle； hope that you took no cold last night in
consequence of your late walk in the garden。”
Quick enough of comprehension； she understood me directly；
her face became a little blanched—a very little—but no muscle in
her rather marked features moved； and； calm and self…possessed；
she retired from the estrade； taking her seat quietly at a little
distance； and occupying herself with netting a purse。 I proceeded
to give my lesson； it was a “Composition；” i。e。； I dictated certain
general questions； of which the pupils were to compose the
answers from memory； access to books being forbidden。 While
Mdlle Eulalie； Hortense； Caroline； &c。； were pondering over the
string of rather abstruse grammatical interrogatories I had
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propounded； I was at liberty to employ the vacant half hour in
further observing the directress herself。 The green silk purse was
progressing fast in her hands； her eyes were bent upon it； her
attitude； as she sat netting within two yards of me； was still yet
guarded； in her whole person were expressed at once； and with
equal clearness； vigilance and repose—a rare union！ Looking at
her； I was forced； as I had often been before； to offer her good
sense； her wondrous self…control； the tribute of involuntary
admiration。 She had felt that I had withdrawn from her my
esteem； she had seen contempt and coldness in my eye； and to her；
who coveted the approbation of all around her； who thirsted after
universal good opinion； such discovery must have been an acute
wound。 I had witnessed its effect in the momentary pallor of her
cheek…cheek unused to vary； yet how quickly； by dint of self…
control； had she recovered her composure！ With what quiet
dignity she now sat； almost at my side； sustained by her sound and
vigorous sense； no trembling in her somewhat lengthened； though
shrewd upper lip； no coward shame on her austere forehead！
“There is metal there；” I said； as I gazed。 “Would that there
were fire also； living ardour to make the steel glow—then I could
love her。”
Presently I discovered that she knew I was watching her； for
she stirred not； she lifted not her crafty eyelid； she had glanced
down from her netting to her small foot； peeping from the soft
folds of her purple merino gown； thence her eye reverted to her
hand； ivory white； with a bright garnet ring on the forefinger； and
a light frill of lace round the wrist； with a scarcely perceptible
movement she turned her head； causing her nut…brown curls to
wave gracefully。 In these slight signs I read that the wish of her
Charlotte Bronte
