fantastic fables-第12章
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held an indignation meeting and passed a resolution of tar and
feathers。
〃You are most unjust；〃 said the Member of the Legislature。 〃It is
true I promised you I would not steal； but had I ever promised you
that I would not lie？〃
The Constituents said he was an honourable man and elected him to
the United States Congress； unpledged and unfledged。
The Expatriated Boss
A BOSS who had gone to Canada was taunted by a Citizen of Montreal
with having fled to avoid prosecution。
〃You do me a grave injustice；〃 said the Boss； parting with a pair
of tears。 〃I came to Canada solely because of its political
attractions； its Government is the most corrupt in the world。〃
〃Pray forgive me；〃 said the Citizen of Montreal。
They fell upon each other's neck； and at the conclusion of that
touching rite the Boss had two watches。
An Inadequate Fee
AN Ox； unable to extricate himself from the mire into which he
sank； was advised to make use of a Political Pull。 When the
Political Pull had arrived； the Ox said： 〃My good friend； please
make fast to me； and let nature take her course。〃
So the Political Pull made fast to the Ox's head and nature took
her course。 The Ox was drawn； first； from the mire； and； next；
from his skin。 Then the Political Pull looked back upon the good
fat carcase of beef that he was dragging to his lair and said； with
a discontented spirit：
〃That is hardly my customary fee； I'll take home this first
instalment； then return and bring an action for salvage against the
skin。〃
The Judge and the Plaintiff
A MAN of Experience in Business was awaiting the judgment of the
Court in an action for damages which he had brought against a
railway company。 The door opened and the Judge of the Court
entered。
〃Well；〃 said he； 〃I am going to decide your case to…day。 If I
should decide in your favour； I wonder how you would express your
satisfaction？〃
〃Sir；〃 said the Man of Experience in Business； 〃I should risk your
anger by offering you one half the sum awarded。〃
〃Did I say I was going to decide that case？〃 said the Judge；
abruptly； as if awakening from a dream。 〃Dear me； how absent…
minded I am。 I mean I have already decided it； and judgment has
been entered for the full amount that you sued for。〃
〃Did I say I would give you one half？〃 said the Man of Experience
in Business； coldly。 〃Dear me； how near I came to being a rascal。
I mean； that I am greatly obliged to you。〃
The Return of the Representative
HEARING that the Legislature had adjourned； the people of an
Assembly District held a mass…meeting to devise a suitable
punishment for their representative。 By one speaker it was
proposed that he be disembowelled； by another that he be made to
run the gauntlet。 Some favoured hanging； some thought that it
would do him good to appear in a suit of tar and feathers。 An old
man； famous for his wisdom and his habit of drooling on his shirt…
front； suggested that they first catch their hare。 So the Chairman
appointed a committee to watch for the victim at midnight； and take
him as he should attempt to sneak into town across…lots from the
tamarack swamp。 At this point in the proceedings they were
interrupted by the sound of a brass band。 Their dishonoured
representative was driving up from the railway station in a coach…
and…four； with music and a banner。 A few moments later he entered
the hall； went upon the platform； and said it was the proudest
moment of his life。 （Cheers。）
A Statesman
A STATESMAN who attended a meeting of a Chamber of Commerce rose to
speak； but was objected to on the ground that he had nothing to do
with commerce。
〃Mr。 Chairman；〃 said an Aged Member； rising； 〃I conceive that the
objection is not well taken； the gentleman's connection with
commerce is close and intimate。 He is a Commodity。〃
Two Dogs
THE Dog； as created； had a rigid tail； but after some centuries of
a cheerless existence； unappreciated by Man； who made him work for
his living； he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag。 This
being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of
affection； and the earth was his and the fulness thereof。
Observing this； the Politician （an animal created later） petitioned
that a wag might be given him too。 As he was incaudate it was
conferred upon his chin； which he now wags with great profit and
gratification except when he is at his meals。
Three Recruits
A FARMER； an Artisan； and a Labourer went to the King of their
country and complained that they were compelled to support a large
standing army of mere consumers； who did nothing for their keep。
〃Very well；〃 said the King； 〃my subjects' wishes are the highest
law。〃
So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also。
The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was
ruined； and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans
and labourers into the almshouses and highways。 In a few years the
national distress was so great that the Farmer； the Artisan； and
the Labourer petitioned the King to reorganize the standing army。
〃What！〃 said the King； 〃you wish to support those idle consumers
again？〃
〃No； your Majesty；〃 they replied … 〃we wish to enlist。〃
The Mirror
A SILKEN…EARED Spaniel； who traced his descent from King Charles
the Second of England； chanced to look into a mirror which was
leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of
his mistress's house。 Seeing his reflection； he supposed it to be
another dog； outside； and said：
〃I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that； and I will。〃
So he ran out…of…doors and around to the side of the house where he
fancied the enemy was。 It so happened that at that moment a
Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth。 The Spaniel stopped short in
dire consternation； and； after regarding the Bulldog a moment from
a safe distance； said：
〃I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag
is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war。
If you are a civilian； the windows of this house flatter you worse
than a newspaper； but if you're a soldier； they do you a grave
injustice。〃
This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly
smiled； which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his
tracks。
Saint and Sinner
〃MY friend；〃 said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army； to
a Most Wicked Sinner； 〃I was once a drunkard； a thief； an assassin。
The Divine Grace has made me what I am。〃
The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot。
〃Henceforth；〃 he said； 〃the Divine Grace； I fancy； will let well
enough alone。〃
An Antidote
A YOUNG Ostrich came to its Mother； groaning with pain and with its
wings tightly crossed upon its stomach。
〃What have you been eating？〃 the Mother asked； with solicitude。
〃Nothing but a keg of Nails；〃 was the reply。
〃What！〃 exclaimed the Mother； 〃a whole keg of Nails； at your age！
Why； you will kill yourself that way。 Go quickly； my child； and
swallow a claw…hammer。〃
A Weary Echo
A CONVENTION of female writers； which for two days had been
stuffing Woman's couch with goose…quills and hailing the down of a
new era； adjourned with unabated enthusiasm； shouting； 〃Place aux
dames！〃 And Echo wearily replied； 〃Oh； damn。〃
The Ingenious Blackmailer
AN Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience； when the
following conversation ensued：
INVENTOR。 … 〃May it please your Majesty； I have invented a rifle
that discharges lightning。〃
KING。 … 〃Ah； you wish to sell me the secret。〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃Yes； it will enable your army to overrun any nation
that is accessible。〃
KING。 … 〃In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention；
I must make a war； and do so as soon as I can arm my troops …
before your secret is discovered by foreign nations。 How much do
you want？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃One million dollars。〃
KING。 … 〃And how much will it cost to make the change of arms？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃Fifty millions。〃
KING。 … 〃And the war will Cost … ？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃But consider the glory and the spoils！〃
KING。 … 〃Exactly。 But if I am not seeking these advantages？ What
if I decline to purchase？〃
INVENTOR。 … 〃There is no economy in that。 Though a patriot； I am
poor； if my own country will not patronise me； I must seek a market
elsewhere。〃
KING （to Prime Minister）。 … 〃Take this blackmailer and cut off his
head。〃
A Talisman
HAVING been summoned to serve as a juror； a Prominent Citizen sent
a physician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with
softening of the brain。
〃The gentleman is excused；〃 said the Judge； handing back the
certificate to the person who had brought it； 〃he has a brain。〃
The Ancient Order
HARDLY had that ancient order； the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour；
been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible； when a
question arose as to what should be the title of address among the
members。 Some wanted it to be simply 〃my Lord；〃 others held out
for 〃your Dukeness；〃 and still others preferred 〃my Sovereign
Liege。〃 Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order； gleaming upon the
breast of every member； suggested 〃your Badgesty；〃 which was
adopted； and the order became popularly known as the Kings of
Catarrh。
A Fatal Disorder
A DYING Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law
to make a statement； and be quick about it。
〃You were assaulted without provocation； of course；〃 said the
District Attorney； preparing to set down the answer。
〃No；〃 replied the Dying Man； 〃I was the aggressor。〃
〃Yes； I understand；〃 said the District Attorney； 〃you committed the
aggression … you were compelled to； as it were。 You did it in
self…defence。〃
