david copperfield(大卫.科波维尔)-第133章

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her；　as　to　see　what　I　saw；　or　in　my　diseased　theory　fancied　that　I　
saw。　I　never　mentioned　this　to　anyone。　I　never　meant　it　to　be　
known　to　anyone。　And　though　it　is　terrible　to　you　to　hear；’　said　Mr。　
Wickfield；　quite　subdued；　‘if　you　knew　how　terrible　it　is　for　me　to　
tell；　you　would　feel　compassion　for　me！’　

The　Doctor；　in　the　perfect　goodness　of　his　nature；　put　out　his　
hand。　Mr。　Wickfield　held　it　for　a　little　while　in　his；　with　his　head　
bowed　down。　

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David　Copperfield　

‘I　am　sure；’　said　Uriah；　writhing　himself　into　the　silence　like　a　
Conger…eel；　‘that　this　is　a　subject　full　of　unpleasantness　to　
everybody。　But　since　we　have　got　so　far；　I　ought　to　take　the　liberty　
of　mentioning　that　Copperfield　has　noticed　it　too。’　

I　turned　upon　him；　and　asked　him　how　he　dared　refer　to　me！　

‘Oh！　it’s　very　kind　of　you；　Copperfield；’　returned　Uriah；　
undulating　all　over；　‘and　we　all　know　what　an　amiable　character　
yours　is；　but　you　know　that　the　moment　I　spoke　to　you　the　other　
night；　you　knew　what　I　meant。　You　know　you　knew　what　I　meant；　
Copperfield。　Don’t　deny　it！　You　deny　it　with　the　best　intentions；　
but　don’t　do　it；　Copperfield。’　

I　saw　the　mild　eye　of　the　good　old　Doctor　turned　upon　me　for　a　
moment；　and　I　felt　that　the　confession　of　my　old　misgivings　and　
remembrances　was　too　plainly　written　in　my　face　to　be　
overlooked。　It　was　of　no　use　raging。　I　could　not　undo　that。　Say　
what　I　would；　I　could　not　unsay　it。　

We　were　silent　again；　and　remained　so；　until　the　Doctor　rose　
and　walked　twice　or　thrice　across　the　room。　Presently　he　returned　
to　where　his　chair　stood；　and；　leaning　on　the　back　of　it；　and　
occasionally　putting　his　handkerchief　to　his　eyes；　with　a　simple　
honesty　that　did　him　more　honour；　to　my　thinking；　than　any　
disguise　he　could　have　effected；　said：　

‘I　have　been　much　to　blame。　I　believe　I　have　been　very　much　to　
blame。　I　have　exposed　one　whom　I　hold　in　my　heart；　to　trials　and　
aspersions—I　call　them　aspersions；　even　to　have　been　conceived　in　
anybody’s　inmost　mind—of　which　she　never；　but　for　me；　could　
have　been　the　object。’　

Uriah　Heep　gave　a　kind　of　snivel。　I　think　to　express　sympathy。　

‘Of　which　my　Annie；’　said　the　Doctor；　‘never；　but　for　me；　could　

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have　been　the　object。　Gentlemen；　I　am　old　now；　as　you　know；　I　do　
not　feel；　tonight；　that　I　have　much　to　live　for。　But　my　life—my　
Life—upon　the　truth　and　honour　of　the　dear　lady　who　has　been　
the　subject　of　this　conversation！’　

I　do　not　think　that　the　best　embodiment　of　chivalry；　the　
realization　of　the　handsomest　and　most　romantic　figure　ever　
imagined　by　painter；　could　have　said　this；　with　a　more　impressive　
and　affecting　dignity　than　the　plain　old　Doctor　did。　

‘But　I　am　not　prepared；’　he　went　on；　‘to　deny—perhaps　I　may　
have　been；　without　knowing　it；　in　some　degree　prepared　to　
admit—that　I　may　have　unwittingly　ensnared　that　lady　into　an　
unhappy　marriage。　I　am　a　man　quite　unaccustomed　to　observe；　
and　I　cannot　but　believe　that　the　observation　of　several　people；　of　
different　ages　and　positions；　all　too　plainly　tending　in　one　
direction　（and　that　so　natural）；　is　better　than　mine。’　

I　had　often　admired；　as　I　have　elsewhere　described；　his　
benignant　manner　towards　his　youthful　wife；　but　the　respectful　
tenderness　he　manifested　in　every　reference　to　her　on　this　
occasion；　and　the　almost　reverential　manner　in　which　he　put　away　
from　him　the　lightest　doubt　of　her　integrity；　exalted　him；　in　my　
eyes；　beyond　description。　

‘I　married　that　lady；’　said　the　Doctor；　‘when　she　was　extremely　
young。　I　took　her　to　myself　when　her　character　was　scarcely　
formed。　So　far　as　it　was　developed；　it　had　been　my　happiness　to　
form　it。　I　knew　her　father　well。　I　knew　her　well。　I　had　taught　her　
what　I　could；　for　the　love　of　all　her　beautiful　and　virtuous　qualities。　
If　I　did　her　wrong；　as　I　fear　I　did；　in　taking　advantage　（but　I　never　
meant　it）　of　her　gratitude　and　her　affection；　I　ask　pardon　of　that　
lady；　in　my　heart！’　

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He　walked　across　the　room；　and　came　back　to　the　same　place；　
holding　the　chair　with　a　grasp　that　trembled；　like　his　subdued　
voice；　in　its　earnestness。　

‘I　regarded　myself　as　a　refuge；　for　her；　from　the　dangers　and　
vicissitudes　of　life。　I　persuaded　myself　that；　unequal　though　we　
were　in　years；　she　would　live　tranquilly　and　contentedly　with　me。　I　
did　not　shut　out　of　my　consideration　the　time　when　I　should　leave　
her　free；　and　still　young　and　still　beautiful；　but　with　her　judgement　
more　matured—no；　gentlemen—upon　my　truth！’　

His　homely　figure　seemed　to　be　lightened　up　by　his　fidelity　and　
generosity。　Every　word　he　uttered　had　a　force　that　no　other　grace　
could　have　imparted　to　it。　

‘My　life　with　this　lady　has　been　very　happy。　Until　tonight；　I　have　
had　uninterrupted　occasion　to　bless　the　day　on　which　I　did　her　
great　injustice。’　

His　voice；　more　and　more　faltering　in　the　utterance　of　these　
words；　stopped　for　a　few　moments；　then　he　went　on：　

‘Once　awakened　from　my　dream—I　have　been　a　poor　dreamer；　
in　one　way　or　other；　all　my　life—I　see　how　natural　it　is　that　she　
should　have　some　regretful　feeling　towards　her　old　companion　
and　her　equal。　That　she　does　regard　him　with　some　innocent　
regret；　with　some　blameless　thoughts　of　what　might　have　been；　
but　for　me；　is；　I　fear；　too　true。　Much　that　I　have　seen；　but　not　
noted；　has　come　back　upon　me　with　new　meaning；　during　this　last　
trying　hour。　But；　beyond　this；　gentlemen；　the　dear　lady’s　name　
never　must　be　coupled　with　a　word；　a　breath；　of　doubt。’　

For　a　little　while；　his　eye　kindled　and　his　voice　was　firm；　for　a　
little　while　he　was　again　silent。　Presently；　he　proceeded　as　before：　

‘It　only　remains　for　me；　to　bear　the　knowledge　of　the　

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unhappiness　I　have　occasioned；　as　submissively　as　I　can。　It　is　she　
who　should　reproach；　not　I。　To　save　her　from　misconstruction；　
cruel　misconstruction；　that　even　my　friends　have　not　been　able　to　
avoid；　becomes　my　duty。　The　more　retired　we　live；　the　better　I　
shall　discharge　it。　And　when　the　time　comes—may　it　come　soon；　if　
it　be　His　merciful　pleasure！—when　my　death　shall　release　her　
from　constraint；　I　shall　close　my　eyes　upon　her　honoured　face；　
with　unbounded　confidence　and　love；　and　leave　her；　with　no　
sorrow　then；　to　happier　and　brighter　days。’　

I　could　not　see　him　for　the　tears　which　his　earnestness　and　
goodness；　so　adorned　by；　and　so　adorning；　the　perfect　simplicity　of　
his　manner；　brought　into　my　eyes。　He　had　moved　to　the　door；　
when　he　added：　

‘Gentlemen；　I　have　shown　you　my　heart。　I　am　sure　you　will　
respect　it。　What　we　have　said　tonight　is　never　to　be　said　more。　
Wickfield；　give　me　an　old　friend’s　arm　upstairs！’　

Mr。　Wickfield　hastened　to　him。　Without　interchanging　a　word　
they　went　slowly　out　of　the　room　together；　Uriah　looking　after　
them。　

‘Well；　Master　Copperfield！’　said　Uriah；　meekly　turning　to　me。　
‘The　thing　hasn’t　took　quite　the　turn　that　might　have　been　
expected；　for　the　old　Scholar—what　an　excellent　man！—is　as　blind　
as　a　brickbat；　but　this　family’s　out　of　the　cart；　I　think！’　

I　needed　but　the　sound　of　his　voice　to　be　so　madly　enraged　as　I　
never　was　before；　and　never　have　been　since。　

‘You　villain；’　said　I；　‘what　do　you　mean　by　entrapping　me　into　
your　schemes？　How　dare　you　appeal　to　me　just　now；　you　false　
rascal；　as　if　we　had　been　in　discussion　together？’　

As　we　stood；　front　to　front；　I　saw　so　plainly；　in　the　stealthy　

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exultation　of　his　face；　what　I　already　so　plainly　knew；　I　mean　that　
he　forced　his　confidence　upon　me；　expressly　to　make　me　
miserable；　and　had　set　a　deliberate　trap　for　me　in　this　very　matter；　
that　I　couldn’t　bear　it。　The　whole　of　his　lank　cheek　was　invitingly　
before　me；　and　I　struck　it　with　my　open　hand　with　that　force　that　
my　fingers　tingled　as　if　I　had　burnt　them。　

He　caught　the　hand　in　his；　and　we　stood　in　that　connexion；　
looking　at　each　other。　We　stood　so；　a　long　time；　long　enough　for　
me　to　see　the　white　marks　of　my　fingers　die　out　of　the　deep　red　of　
his　cheek；　and　leave　it　a　deeper　red。　

‘Copperfield；’　he　said　at　length；　in　a　breathless　voice；　‘have　you　
taken　leave　of　your　senses？’　

‘I　have　taken　leave　of　you；’　said　I；　wresting　my　hand　away。　‘You　
dog；　I’ll　know　no　more　of　you。’　

‘Won’t　you？’　said　he；　constrained　by　the　pain　of　his　cheek　to　put　
his　hand　there。　‘Perhaps　you　won’t　be　able　to　help　it。　Isn’t　this　
ungrateful　of　you；　now？’　

‘I　have　shown　you　often　enough；’　said　I；　‘that　I　despise　you。　I　
have　shown　you　now；　more　plainly；　that　I　do。　Why　should　I　dread　
your　doing　your　worst　to　all　about　you？　What　else　do　you　ever　do？’　

He　perfectly　understood　this　allusion　to　the　considerations　that　
had　hitherto　restrained　me　in　my　communications　with　him。　I　
rather　think　that　neither　the　blow；　nor　the　allusion；　would　have　
escaped　me；　but　for　the　assurance　I　had　had　from　Agnes　that　
night。　It　is　no　matter。　

There　was　another　long　pause。　His　eyes；　as　he　looked　at　me；　
seemed　to　take　every　shade　of　colour　that　could　make　eyes　ugly。　
‘Copperfield；’　he　said；　removing　his　hand　from　his　cheek；　‘you　
have　always　gone　against　me。　I　know　you　always　used　to　be　

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against　me　at　Mr。　Wickfield’s。’　

‘You　may　think　what　you　like；’　said　I；　still　in　a　towering　rage。　‘If　
it　is　not　true；　so　much　the　worthier　you。’　

‘And　yet　I　always　liked　you；　Copperfield！’　he　rejoined。　

I　deigned　to　make　him　no　reply；　and；　taking　up　my　hat；　was　
going　out　to　bed；　when　he　came　between　me　and　the　door。　

‘Copperfield；’　he　said；　‘there　must　be　two　parties　to　a　quarrel。　I　
won’t　be　one。’　

‘You　may　go　to　the　devil！’　said　I。　

‘Don’t　say　that！’　he　replied。　‘I　know　you’ll　be　sorry　afterwards。　
How　can　you　make　yourself　so　inferior　to　me；　as　to　show　such　a　
bad　spirit？　But　I　forgive　you。’　

‘You　forgive　me！’　I　repeated　disdainfully。　

‘I　do；　and　you　can’t　help　yourself；’　replied　Uriah。　‘To　think　of　
your　going　and　attacking　me；　that　have　always　been　a　friend　to　
you！　But　there　can’t　be　a　quarrel　without　two　parties；　and　I　won’t　
be　one。　I　will　be　a　friend　to　you；　in　spite　of　you。　So　now　you　know　
what　you’ve　got　to　expect。’　

The　necessity　of　carrying　on　this　dialogue　（his　part　in　which　
was　very　slow；　mine　very　quick）　in　a　low　tone；　that　the　house　
might　not　be　disturbed　at　an　unseasonable　hour；　did　not　improve　
my　temper；　though　my　passion　was　cooling　down。　Merely　telling　
him　that　I　should　expect　from　him　what　I　always　had　expected；　
and　had　never　yet　been　disappointed　in；　I　opened　the　door　upon　
him；　as　if　he　had　been　a　great　walnut　put　there　to　be　cracked；　and　
went　out　of　the　house。　But　he　slept　out　of　the　house　too；　at　his　
mother’s　lodging；　and　before　I　had　gone　many　hundred　yards；　
came　up　with　me。　

‘You　know；　Copperfield；’　he　said；　in　my　ear　（I　did　not　tur