desperate remedies-第9章

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more；　do　try　once　more；'　she　murmured。　　'I　am　going　to　try　again。　　I
have　advertised　for　something　to　do。'

'Of　course　I　will；'　he　said；　with　an　eager　gesture　and　smile。　　'But
we　must　remember　that　the　fame　of　Christopher　Wren　himself　depended
upon　the　accident　of　a　fire　in　Pudding　Lane。　　My　successes　seem　to
come　very　slowly。　　I　often　think；　that　before　I　am　ready　to　live；　it
will　be　time　for　me　to　die。　　However；　I　am　tryingnot　for　fame　now；
but　for　an　easy　life　of　reasonable　comfort。'

It　is　a　melancholy　truth　for　the　middle　classes；　that　in　proportion
as　they　develop；　by　the　study　of　poetry　and　art；　their　capacity　for
conjugal　love　of　the　highest　and　purest　kind；　they　limit　the
possibility　of　their　being　able　to　exercise　itthe　very　act　putting
out　of　their　power　the　attainment　of　means　sufficient　for　marriage。
The　man　who　works　up　a　good　income　has　had　no　time　to　learn　love　to
its　solemn　extreme；　the　man　who　has　learnt　that　has　had　no　time　to
get　rich。

'And　if　you　should　failutterly　fail　to　get　that　reasonable
wealth；'　she　said　earnestly；　'don't　be　perturbed。　　The　truly　great
stand　upon　no　middle　ledge；　they　are　either　famous　or　unknown。'

'Unknown；'　he　said；　'if　their　ideas　have　been　allowed　to　flow　with　a
sympathetic　breadth。　　Famous　only　if　they　have　been　convergent　and
exclusive。'

'Yes；　and　I　am　afraid　from　that；　that　my　remark　was　but
discouragement；　wearing　the　dress　of　comfort。　　Perhaps　I　was　not
quite　right　in'

'It　depends　entirely　upon　what　is　meant　by　being　truly　great。　　But
the　long　and　the　short　of　the　matter　is；　that　men　must　stick　to　a
thing　if　they　want　to　succeed　in　itnot　giving　way　to　over…much
admiration　for　the　flowers　they　see　growing　in　other　people's
borders；　which　I　am　afraid　has　been　my　case。'　　He　looked　into　the
far　distance　and　paused。

Adherence　to　a　course　with　persistence　sufficient　to　ensure　success
is　possible　to　widely　appreciative　minds　only　when　there　is　also
found　in　them　a　powercommonplace　in　its　nature；　but　rare　in　such
combinationthe　power　of　assuming　to　conviction　that　in　the
outlying　paths　which　appear　so　much　more　brilliant　than　their　own；
there　are　bitternesses　equally　greatunperceived　simply　on　account
of　their　remoteness。



They　were　opposite　Ringsworth　Shore。　　The　cliffs　here　were　formed　of
strata　completely　contrasting　with　those　of　the　further　side　of　the
Bay；　whilst　in　and　beneath　the　water　hard　boulders　had　taken　the
place　of　sand　and　shingle；　between　which；　however；　the　sea　glided
noiselessly；　without　breaking　the　crest　of　a　single　wave；　so
strikingly　calm　was　the　air。　　The　breeze　had　entirely　died　away；
leaving　the　water　of　that　rare　glassy　smoothness　which　is　unmarked
even　by　the　small　dimples　of　the　least　aerial　movement。　　Purples　and
blues　of　divers　shades　were　reflected　from　this　mirror　accordingly
as　each　undulation　sloped　east　or　west。　　They　could　see　the　rocky
bottom　some　twenty　feet　beneath　them；　luxuriant　with　weeds　of
various　growths；　and　dotted　with　pulpy　creatures　reflecting　a
silvery　and　spangled　radiance　upwards　to　their　eyes。

At　length　she　looked　at　him　to　learn　the　effect　of　her　words　of
encouragement。　　He　had　let　the　oars　drift　alongside；　and　the　boat
had　come　to　a　standstill。　　Everything　on　earth　seemed　taking　a
contemplative　rest；　as　if　waiting　to　hear　the　avowal　of　something
from　his　lips。　　At　that　instant　he　appeared　to　break　a　resolution
hitherto　zealously　kept。　　Leaving　his　seat　amidships　he　came　and
gently　edged　himself　down　beside　her　upon　the　narrow　seat　at　the
stern。

She　breathed　more　quickly　and　warmly：　　he　took　her　right　hand　in　his
own　right：　　it　was　not　withdrawn。　　He　put　his　left　hand　behind　her
neck　till　it　came　round　upon　her　left　cheek：　　it　was　not　thrust
away。　　Lightly　pressing　her；　he　brought　her　face　and　mouth　towards
his　own；　when；　at　this　the　very　brink；　some　unaccountable　thought　or
spell　within　him　suddenly　made　him　halteven　now；　and　as　it　seemed
as　much　to　himself　as　to　her；　he　timidly　whispered　'May　I？'

Her　endeavour　was　to　say　No；　so　denuded　of　its　flesh　and　sinews　that
its　nature　would　hardly　be　recognized；　or　in　other　words　a　No　from
so　near　the　affirmative　frontier　as　to　be　affected　with　the　Yes
accent。　　It　was　thus　a　whispered　No；　drawn　out　to　nearly　a　quarter
of　a　minute's　length；　the　O　making　itself　audible　as　a　sound　like
the　spring　coo　of　a　pigeon　on　unusually　friendly　terms　with　its
mate。　　Though　conscious　of　her　success　in　producing　the　kind　of　word
she　had　wished　to　produce；　she　at　the　same　time　trembled　in　suspense
as　to　how　it　would　be　taken。　　But　the　time　available　for　doubt　was
so　short　as　to　admit　of　scarcely　more　than　half　a　pulsation：
pressing　closer　he　kissed　her。　　Then　he　kissed　her　again　with　a
longer　kiss。

It　was　the　supremely　happy　moment　of　their　experience。　　The　'bloom'
and　the　'purple　light'　were　strong　on　the　lineaments　of　both。　　Their
hearts　could　hardly　believe　the　evidence　of　their　lips。

'I　love　you；　and　you　love　me；　Cytherea！'　he　whispered。

She　did　not　deny　it；　and　all　seemed　well。　　The　gentle　sounds　around
them　from　the　hills；　the　plains；　the　distant　town；　the　adjacent
shore；　the　water　heaving　at　their　side；　the　kiss；　and　the　long　kiss；
were　all　'many　a　voice　of　one　delight；'　and　in　unison　with　each
other。

But　his　mind　flew　back　to　the　same　unpleasant　thought　which　had　been
connected　with　the　resolution　he　had　broken　a　minute　or　two　earlier。
'I　could　be　a　slave　at　my　profession　to　win　you；　Cytherea；　I　would
work　at　the　meanest；　honest　trade　to　be　near　youmuch　less　claim
you　as　mine；　I　wouldanything。　　But　I　have　not　told　you　all；　it　is
not　this；　you　don't　know　what　there　is　yet　to　tell。　　Could　you
forgive　as　you　can　love？'　　She　was　alarmed　to　see　that　he　had　become
pale　with　the　question。

'Nodo　not　speak；'　he　said。　　'I　have　kept　something　from　you；　which
has　now　become　the　cause　of　a　great　uneasiness。　　I　had　no　rightto
love　you；　but　I　did　it。　　Something　forbade'

'What？'　she　exclaimed。

'Something　forbade　metill　the　kissyes；　till　the　kiss　came；　and
now　nothing　shall　forbid　it！　　We'll　hope　in　spite　of　all。　。　。　　I
must；　however；　speak　of　this　love　of　ours　to　your　brother。　　Dearest；
you　had　better　go　indoors　whilst　I　meet　him　at　the　station；　and
explain　everything。'

Cytherea's　short…lived　bliss　was　dead　and　gone。　　O；　if　she　had　known
of　this　sequel　would　she　have　allowed　him　to　break　down　the　barrier
of　mere　acquaintanceshipnever；　never！

'Will　you　not　explain　to　me？'　she　faintly　urged。　　Doubtindefinite；
carking　doubt　had　taken　possession　of　her。

'Not　now。　　You　alarm　yourself　unnecessarily；'　he　said　tenderly。　　'My
only　reason　for　keeping　silence　is　that　with　my　present　knowledge　I
may　tell　an　untrue　story。　　It　may　be　that　there　is　nothing　to　tell。
I　am　to　blame　for　haste　in　alluding　to　any　such　thing。　　Forgive　me；
sweetforgive　me。'　　Her　heart　was　ready　to　burst；　and　she　could　not
answer　him。　　He　returned　to　his　place　and　took　to　the　oars。

They　again　made　for　the　distant　Esplanade；　now；　with　its　line　of
houses；　lying　like　a　dark　grey　band　against　the　light　western　sky。
The　sun　had　set；　and　a　star　or　two　began　to　peep　out。　　They　drew
nearer　their　destination；　Edward　as　he　pulled　tracing　listlessly
with　his　eyes　the　red　stripes　upon　her　scarf；　which　grew　to　appear
as　black　ones　in　the　increasing　dusk　of　evening。　　She　surveyed　the
long　line　of　lamps　on　the　sea…wall　of　the　town；　now　looking　small
and　yellow；　and　seeming　to　send　long　tap…roots　of　fire　quivering
down　deep　into　the　sea。　　By…and…by　they　reached　the　landing…steps。
He　took　her　hand　as　before；　and　found　it　as　cold　as　the　water　about
them。　　It　was　not　relinquished　till　he　reached　her　door。　　His
assurance　had　not　removed　the　constraint　of　her　manner：　　he　saw　that
she　blamed　him　mutely　and　with　her　eyes；　like　a　captured　sparrow。
Left　alone；　he　went　and　seated　himself　in　a　chair　on　the　Esplanade。

Neither　could　she　go　indoors　to　her　solitary　room；　feeling　as　she
did　in　such　a　state　of　desperate　heaviness。　　When　Springrove　was　out
of　sight　she　turned　back；　and　arrived　at　the　corner　just　in　time　to
see　him　sit　down。　　Then　she　glided　pensively　along　the　pavement
behind　him；　forgetting　herself　to　marble　like　Melancholy　herself　as
she　mused　in　his　neighbourhood　unseen。　　She　heard；　without　heeding；
the　notes　of　pianos　and　singing　voices　from　the　fashionable　houses
at　her　back；　from　the　open　windows　of　which　the　lamp…light　streamed
to　join　that　of　the　orange…hued　full　moon；　newly　risen　over　the　Bay
in　front。　　Then　Edward　began　to　pace　up　and　down；　and　Cytherea；
fearing　that　he　would　notice　her；　hastened　homeward；　flinging　him　a
last　look　as　she　passed　out　of　sight。　　No　promise　from　him　to　write：
no　request　that　she　herself　would　do　sonothing　but　an　indefinite
expression　of　hope　in　the　face　of　some　fear　unknown　to　her。　　Alas；
alas！

When　Owen　returned　he　found　she　was　not　in　the　small　sitting…room；
and　creeping　upstairs　into　her　bedroom　with　a　light；　he　discovered
her　there　lying　asleep　upon　the　coverlet　of　the　bed；　still　with　her
hat　and　jacket　on。　　She　had　flung　herself　down　on　entering；　and
succumbed　to　the　unwonted　oppressiveness　that　ever　attends　full…
blown　love。　　The　wet　traces　of　tears　were　yet　visible　upon　her　long
drooping　lashes。

　　　　　'Love　is　a　sowre　delight；　and　sugred　griefe；
　　　　　　A　living　death；　and　ever…dying　life。'

'Cytherea；'　he　whispered；　kissing　her。　　She　awoke　with　a　start；　and
vented　an　exclamation　before　recovering　her　judgment。　　'He's　gone！'
she　said。

'He　has　told　me　all；'　said　Graye　soothingly。　　'He　is　going　off　early
to…morrow　morning。　　'Twas　a　shame　of　him　to　win　you　away　from　me；
and　cruel　of　you　to　keep　the　growth　of　this　attachment　a　secret。'

'We　couldn't　help　it；'　she　said；　and　then　jumping　up'Owen；　has　he
told　you　ALL？'

'All　of　your　love　from　beginning　to　end；'　he　said　simply。

Edward　then　had　not　told　moreas　he　ought　to　have　done：　　yet　she
could　not　convict　him。　　But　she　would　struggle　against　his　fetters。
She　tingled　to　the　very　soles　of　her　feet　at　the　very　possibility
that　he　might　be　deluding　her。

'Owen；'　she　continued；　with　dignity；　'what　is　he　to　me？　　Nothing。　　I
must　dismiss　such　weakness　as　thisbelieve　me；　I　will。　　Something
far　more　pressing　must　drive　it　away。　　I　have　been　looking　my
position　steadily　in　the　face；　and　I　must　get　a　living　somehow。　　I
mean　to　advertise　once　more。'

'Advertising　is　no　use。'

'This　one　will　be。'　　He　looked　surprised　at　the　sanguine　tone　of　her
answer；　till　she　took　a　piece　of　paper　from　the　table　and　showed　it
him。　　'See　what　I　am　going　to　do；'　she　said　sadly；　almost　bitterly。
This　was　her　third　effort：

　　'LADY'S…MAID。　　Inexperienced。　　Age　eighteen。G。；　3　Cross　Street；
Budmouth。'

OwenOwen　the　respectablelooked　blank　astonishment。　　He　repeated
in　a　nameless；　varying　tone；　the　two　words

'Lady's…maid！'

'Yes；　lady's…maid。　　'Tis　an　honest　profession；'　said　Cytherea
bravely。

'But　YOU；　Cytherea？'

'Yes；　Iwho　am　I？'

'You　will　never　be　a　lady's…maidnever；　I　am　quite　sure。'

'I　shall　try　to　be；　at　any　rate。'

'Such　a　disgrace'

'Nonsense！　　I　maintain　that　it　is　no　disgrace！'　she　said；　rather
warmly。　　'You　know　very　well'

'Well；　since　you　will；　you　must；'　he