the queen of hearts-第65章

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letting　other　people　see　her　in　tears。


March　5th。　A　fright　about　Mary。　I　had　not　seen　her　all　day；　as
she　does　not　work　at　the　same　place　where　I　do；　and　in　the
evening　she　never　came　down　to　have　tea　with　me；　or　sent　me　word
to　go　to　her；　so；　just　before　I　went　to　bed；　I　ran　upstairs　to
say　good…night。

She　did　not　answer　when　I　knocked；　and　when　I　stepped　softly　in
the　room　I　saw　her　in　bed；　asleep；　with　her　work　not　half　done；
lying　about　the　room　in　the　untidiest　way。　There　was　nothing
remarkable　in　that；　and　I　was　just　going　away　on　tiptoe；　when　a
tiny　bottle　and　wine…glass　on　the　chair　by　her　bedside　caught　my
eye。　I　thought　she　was　ill　and　had　been　taking　physic；　and　looked
at　the　bottle。　It　was　marked　in　large　letters；
〃LaudanumPoison。〃

My　heart　gave　a　jump　as　if　it　was　going　to　fly　out　of　me。　I　laid
hold　of　her　with　both　hands；　and　shook　her　with　all　my　might。　She
was　sleeping　heavily；　and　woke　slowly；　as　it　seemed　to　mebut
still　she　did　wake。　I　tried　to　pull　her　out　of　bed；　having　heard
that　people　ought　to　be　always　walked　up　and　down　when　they　have
taken　laudanum　but　she　resisted；　and　pushed　me　away　violently。

〃Anne！〃　says　she；　in　a　fright。　〃For　gracious　sake；　what's　come　to
you！　Are　you　out　of　your　senses？〃

〃Oh；　Mary！　Mary！〃　says　I；　holding　up　the　bottle　before　her；　〃if　I
hadn't　come　in　when　I　did〃　And　I　laid　hold　of　her　to　shake　her
again。

She　looked　puzzled　at　me　for　a　momentthen　smiled　（the　first
time　I　had　seen　her　do　so　for　many　a　long　day）then　put　her　arms
round　my　neck。

〃Don't　be　frightened　about　me；　Anne；〃　she　says；　〃I　am　not　worth
it；　and　there　is　no　need。〃

〃No　need！〃　says　I；　out　of　breath〃no　need；　when　the　bottle　has
got　Poison　marked　on　it！〃

〃Poison；　dear；　if　you　take　it　all；〃　says　Mary；　looking　at　me　very
tenderly；　〃and　a　night's　rest　if　you　only　take　a　little。〃

I　watched　her　for　a　moment；　doubtful　whether　I　ought　to　believe
what　she　said　or　to　alarm　the　house。　But　there　was　no　sleepiness
now　in　her　eyes；　and　nothing　drowsy　in　her　voice；　and　she　sat　up
in　bed　quite　easily；　without　anything　to　support　her。

〃You　have　given　me　a　dreadful　fright；　Mary；〃　says　I；　sitting　down
by　her　in　the　chair；　and　beginning　by　this　time　to　feel　rather
faint　after　being　startled　so。

She　jumped　out　of　bed　to　get　me　a　drop　of　water；　and　kissed　me；
and　said　how　sorry　she　was；　and　how　undeserving　of　so　much
interest　being　taken　in　her。　At　the　same　time；　she　tried　to
possess　herself　of　the　laudanum　bottle　which　I　still　kept　cuddled
up　tight　in　my　own　hands。

〃No；〃　says　I。　〃You　have　got　into　a　low…spirited；　despairing　way。
I　won't　trust　you　with　it。〃

〃I　am　afraid　I　can't　do　without　it；〃　says　Mary；　in　her　usual
quiet；　hopeless　voice。　〃What　with　work　that　I　can't　get　through
as　I　ought；　and　troubles　that　I　can't　help　thinking　of；　sleep
won't　come　to　me　unless　I　take　a　few　drops　out　of　that　bottle。
Don't　keep　it　away　from　me；　Anne；　it's　the　only　thing　in　the
world　that　makes　me　forget　myself。〃

〃Forget　yourself！〃　says　I。　〃You　have　no　right　to　talk　in　that
way；　at　your　age。　There's　something　horrible　in　the　notion　of　a
girl　of　eighteen　sleeping　with　a　bottle　of　laudanum　by　her
bedside　every　night。　We　all　of　us　have　our　troubles。　Haven't　I
got　mine？〃

〃You　can　do　twice　the　work　I　can；　twice　as　well　as　me；〃　says
Mary。　〃You　are　never　scolded　and　rated　at　for　awkwardness　with
your　needle；　and　I　always　am。　You　can　pay　for　your　room　every
week；　and　I　am　three　weeks　in　debt　for　mine。〃

〃A　little　more　practice；〃　says　I；　〃and　a　little　more　courage；　and
you　will　soon　do　better。　You　have　got　all　your　life　before　you〃

〃I　wish　I　was　at　the　end　of　it；〃　says　she；　breaking　in。　〃I　am
alone　in　the　world；　and　my　life's　no　good　to　me。〃

〃You　ought　to　be　ashamed　of　yourself　for　saying　so；〃　says　I。
〃Haven't　you　got　me　for　a　friend？　Didn't　I　take　a　fancy　to　you
when　first　you　left　your　step…mother　and　came　to　lodge　in　this
house？　And　haven't　I　been　sisters　with　you　ever　since？　Suppose
you　are　alone　in　the　world；　am　I　much　better　off？　I'm　an　orphan
like　you。　I've　almost　as　many　things　in　pawn　as　you；　and；　if　your
pockets　are　empty；　mine　have　only　got　ninepence　in　them；　to　last
me　for　all　the　rest　of　the　week。〃

〃Your　father　and　mother　were　honest　people；〃　says　Mary；
obstinately。　〃My　mother　ran　away　from　home；　and　died　in　a
hospital。　My　father　was　always　drunk；　and　always　beating　me。　My
step…mother　is　as　good　as　dead；　for　all　she　cares　about　me。　My
only　brother　is　thousands　of　miles　away　in　fore　ign　parts；　and
never　writes　to　me；　and　never　helps　me　with　a　farthing。　My
sweetheart〃

She　stopped；　and　the　red　flew　into　her　face。　I　knew；　if　she　went
on　that　way；　she　would　only　get　to　the　saddest　part　of　her　sad
story；　and　give　both　herself　and　me　unnecessary　pain。

〃_My_　sweetheart　is　too　poor　to　marry　me；　Mary；〃　I　said；　〃so　I'm
not　so　much　to　be　envied　even　there。　But　let's　give　over
disputing　which　is　worst　off。　Lie　down　in　bed；　and　let　me　tuck
you　up。　I'll　put　a　stitch　or　two　into　that　work　of　yours　while
you　go　to　sleep。〃

Instead　of　doing　what　I　told　her；　she　burst　out　crying　（being
very　like　a　child　in　some　of　her　ways）；　and　hugged　me　so　tight
round　the　neck　that　she　quite　hurt　me。　I　let　her　go　on　till　she
had　worn　herself　out；　and　was　obliged　to　lie　down。　Even　then；　her
last　few　words　before　she　dropped　off　to　sleep　were　such　as　I　was
half　sorry；　half　frightened　to　hear。

〃I　won't　plague　you　long；　Anne；〃　she　said。　〃I　haven't　courage　to
go　out　of　the　world　as　you　seem　to　fear　I　shall；　but　I　began　my
life　wretchedly；　and　wretchedly　I　am　sentenced　to　end　it。〃

It　was　of　no　use　lecturing　her　again；　for　she　closed　her　eyes。

I　tucked　her　up　as　neatly　as　I　could；　and　put　her　petticoat　over
her；　for　the　bedclothes　were　scanty；　and　her　hands　felt　cold。　She
looked　so　pretty　and　delicate　as　she　fell　asleep　that　it　quite
made　my　heart　ache　to　see　her；　after　such　talk　as　we　had　held
together。　I　just　waited　long　enough　to　be　quite　sure　that　she　was
in　the　land　of　dreams；　then　emptied　the　horrible　laudanum　bottle
into　the　grate；　took　up　her　half…done　work；　and；　going　out
softly；　left　her　for　that　night。


March　6th。　Sent　off　a　long　letter　to　Robert；　begging　and
entreating　him　not　to　be　so　down…hearted；　and　not　to　leave
America　without　making　another　effort。　I　told　him　I　could　bear
any　trial　except　the　wretchedness　of　seeing　him　come　back　a
helpless；　broken…down　man；　trying　uselessly　to　begin　life　again
when　too　old　for　a　change。

It　was　not　till　after　I　had　posted　my　own　letter；　and　read　over
part　of　Robert's　again；　that　the　suspicion　suddenly　floated
across　me；　for　the　first　time；　that　he　might　have　sailed　for
England　immediately　after　writing　to　me。　There　were　expressions
in　the　letter　which　seemed　to　indicate　that　he　had　some　such
headlong　project　in　his　mind。　And　yet；　surely；　if　it　were　so；　I
ought　to　have　noticed　them　at　the　first　reading。　I　can　only　hope
I　am　wrong　in　my　present　interpretation　of　much　of　what　he　has
written　to　mehope　it　earnestly　for　both　our　sakes。

This　has　been　a　doleful　day　for　me。　I　have　been　uneasy　about
Robert　and　uneasy　about　Mary。　My　mind　is　haunted　by　those　last
words　of　hers：　〃I　began　my　life　wretchedly；　and　wretchedly　I　am
sentenced　to　end　it。〃　Her　usual　melancholy　way　of　talking　never
produced　the　same　impression　on　me　that　I　feel　now。　Perhaps　the
discovery　of　the　laudanum…bottle　is　the　cause　of　this。　I　would
give　many　a　hard　day's　work　to　know　what　to　do　for　Mary's　good。
My　heart　warmed　to　her　when　we　first　met　in　the　same
lodging…house　two　years　ago；　and；　although　I　am　not　one　of　the
over…affectionate　sort　myself；　I　feel　as　if　I　could　go　to　the
world's　end　to　serve　that　girl。　Yet；　strange　to　say；　if　I　was
asked　why　I　was　so　fond　of　her；　I　don't　think　I　should　know　how
to　answer　the　question。


March　7th。　I　am　almost　ashamed　to　write　it　down；　even　in　this
journal；　which　no　eyes　but　mine　ever　look　on；　yet　I　must　honestly
confess　to　myself　that　here　I　am；　at　nearly　one　in　the　morning；
sitting　up　in　a　state　of　serious　uneasiness　because　Mary　has　not
yet　come　home。

I　walked　with　her　this　morning　to　the　place　where　she　works；　and
tried　to　lead　her　into　talking　of　the　relations　she　has　got　who
are　still　alive。　My　motive　in　doing　this　was　to　see　if　she
dropped　anything　in　the　course　of　conversation　which　might
suggest　a　way　of　helping　her　interests　with　those　who　are　bound
to　give　her　all　reasonable　assistance。　But　the　little　I　could　get
her　to　say　to　me　led　to　nothing。　Instead　of　answering　my
questions　about　her　step…mother　and　her　brother；　she　persisted　at
first；　in　the　strangest　way；　in　talking　of　her　father；　who　was
dead　and　gone；　and　of　one　Noah　Truscott；　who　had　been　the　worst
of　all　the　bad　friends　he　had；　and　had　taught　him　to　drink　and
game。　When　I　did　get　her　to　speak　of　her　brother；　she　only　knew
that　he　had　gone　out　to　a　place　called　Assam；　where　they　grew
tea。　How　he　was　doing；　or　whether　he　was　there　still；　she　did　not
seem　to　know；　never　having　heard　a　word　from　him　for　years　and
years　past。

As　for　her　step…mother；　Mary　not　unnaturally　flew　into　a　passion
the　moment　I　spoke　of　her。　She　keeps　an　eating…house　at
Hammersmith；　and　could　have　given　Mary　good　employment　in　it；　but
she　seems　always　to　have　hated　her；　and　to　have　made　her　life　so
wretched　with　abuse　and　ill　usage　that　she　had　no　refuge　left　but
to　go　away　from　home；　and　do　her　best　to　make　a　living　for
herself。　Her　husband　（Mary's　father）　appears　to　have　behaved
badly　to　her；　and；　after　his　death；　she　took　the　wicked　course　of
revenging　herself　on　her　step…daughter。　I　felt；　after　this；　that
it　was　impossible　Mary　could　go　back；　and　that　it　was　the　hard
necessity　of　her　position；　as　it　is　of　mine；　that　she　should
struggle　on　to　make　a　decent　livelihood　without　assistance　from
any　of　her　relations。　I　confessed　as　much　as　this　to　her；　but　I
added　that　I　would　try　to　get　her　employment　with　the　persons　for
whom　I　work；　who　pay　higher　wages；　and　show　a　little　more
indulgence　to　those　under　them　than　the　people　to　whom　she　is　now
obliged　to　look　for　support。

I　spoke　much　more　confidently　than　I　felt　about　being　able　to　do
this；　and　left　her；　as　I　thought；　in　better　spirits　than　usual。
She　promised　to　be　back　to…night　to　tea　at　nine　o'clock；　and　now
it　is　nearly　one　in　the　morning；　and　she　is　not　home　yet。　If　it
was　any　other　girl　I　should　not　feel　uneasy；　for　I　should　make　up
my　mind　that　there　was　extra　work　to　be　done　in　a　hurry；　and　that
they　were　keeping　her　late；　and　I　should　go　to　bed。　But　Mary　is
so　unfortunate　in　everything　that　happens　to　her；　and　her　own
melancholy　talk　about　herself　keeps　hanging　on　my　mind　so；　that　I
have　fears　on　her　account　which　would　not　distress　me　about　any
one　else。　It　seems　inexcusably　silly　to　think　such　a　thing；　much
more　to　write　it　down；　but　I　have　a　kind　of　nervous　dread　upon　me
that　some　accident

What　does　that　loud　knocking　at　the　street　door　mean？　And　those
voices　and　heavy　footsteps　outside？　Some　lodger　who　has　lost　his
key；　I　suppose。　And　yet；　my　heart　What　a　coward　I　have　become
all　of　a　sudden！

More　knocking　and　louder　voices。　I　must　run　to　the　door　and　see
what　it　is。　Oh；　Mary！　Mary！　I　hope　I　am　no