bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第188章
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his work to do would be thinking about not being able to come。
And he is so cheery； so fresh； so sensible； so earnest； so—
everything that I am not； that the place brightens whenever he
comes； and darkens whenever he goes again。”
“God bless him；” I thought； “for his truth to me！”
“He is not so sanguine； Ada；” continued Richard； casting his
dejected look over the bundles of papers； “as Vholes and I are
usually； but he is only an outsider； and is not in the mysteries。 We
have gone into them； and he has not。 He can’t be expected to know
much of such a labyrinth。”
As his look wandered over the papers again； and he passed his
two hands over his head； I noticed how sunken and how large his
eyes appeared； how dry his lips were； and how his fingernails were
all bitten away。
“Is this a healthy place to live in； Richard； do you think？” said I。
“Why； my dear Minerva；” answered Richard； with his old gay
laugh； “it is neither a rural nor a cheerful place； and when the sun
shines here； you may lay a pretty heavy wager that it is shining
brightly in an open spot。 But it’s well enough for the time。 It’s near
the offices； and near Vholes。”
“Perhaps；” I hinted； “a change from both—”
“—Might do me good？” said Richard； forcing a laugh as he
finished the sentence。 “I shouldn’t wonder！ But it can only come
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in one way now—in one of two ways； I should rather say。 Either
the suit must be ended； Esther； or the suitor。 But it shall be the
suit； the suit； my dear girl！”
These latter words were addressed to Ada； who was sitting
nearest to him。 Her face being turned away from me and towards
him； I could not see it。
“We are doing very well；” pursued Richard。 “Vholes will tell
you so。 We are really spinning along。 Ask Vholes。 We are giving
them no rest。 Vholes knows all their windings and turnings； and
we are upon them everywhere。 We have astonished them already。
We shall rouse up that nest of sleepers； mark my words！”
His hopefulness had long been more painful to me than his
despondency； it was so unlike hopefulness； had something so
fierce in its determination to be it； was so hungry and eager； and
yet so conscious of being forced and unsustainable； that it had
long touched me to the heart。 But the commentary upon it now
indelibly written in his handsome face； made it far more
distressing than it used to be。 I say indelibly； for I felt persuaded
that if the fatal cause could have been for ever terminated；
according to his brightest visions； in that same hour； the traces of
the premature anxiety； self…reproach； and disappointment it had
occasioned him； would have remained upon his features to the
hour of his death。
“The sight of our dear little woman；” said Richard： Ada still
remaining silent and quiet： “is so natural to me； and her
compassionate face is so like the face of old days—”
Ah！ No； no。 I smiled and shook my head。
“—So exactly like the face of old days；” said Richard in his
cordial voice； and taking my hand with the brotherly regard which
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nothing ever changed； “that I can’t make pretences with her。 I
fluctuate a little； that’s the truth。 Sometimes I hope； my dear； and
sometimes I—don’t quite despair； but nearly。 I get；” said Richard；
relinquishing my hand gently； and walking across the room； “so
tired！”
He took a few turns up and down； and sunk upon the sofa。 “I
get；” he repeated gloomily； “so tired。 It is such weary； weary
work！”
He was leaning on his arm； saying these words in a meditative
voice； and looking at the ground； when my darling rose； put off her
bonnet； kneeled down beside him with her golden hair falling like
sunlight on his head； clasped her two arms round his neck； and
turned her face to me。 O； what a loving and devoted face I saw！
“Esther； dear；” she said very quietly； “I am not going home
again。
A light shone in upon me all at once。
“Never any more。 I am going to stay with my dear husband。 We
have been married above two months。 Go home without me； my
own Esther； I shall never go home any more！” With those words
my darling drew his head down on her breast； and held it there。
And if ever in my life I saw a love that nothing but death could
change； I saw it then before me。
“Speak to Esther； my dearest；” said Richard； breaking the
silence presently。 “Tell her how it was。”
I met her before she could come to me； and folded her in my
arms。 We neither of us spoke； but with her cheek against my own；
I wanted to hear nothing。 “My pet；” said I。 “My love。 My poor； poor
girl！” I pitied her so much。 I was very fond of Richard； but the
impulse that I had upon me was to pity her so much。
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“Esther； will you forgive me？ Will my cousin John forgive me？”
“My dear；” said I； “to doubt it for a moment； is to do him a great
wrong。 And as to me！”—why； as to me； what had I to forgive！
I dried my sobbing darling’s eyes； and sat beside her on the
sofa； and Richard sat on my other side； and while I was reminded
of that so different night when they had first taken me into their
confidence； and had gone on in their own wild happy way； they
told me between them how it was。
“All I had； was Richard’s；” Ada said； “and Richard would not
take it； Esther； and what could I do but be his wife when I loved
him dearly！”
“And you were so fully and so kindly occupied； excellent Dame
Durden；” said Richard； “that how could we speak to you at such a
time！ And besides； it was not a long…considered step。 We went out
one morning and were married。”
“And when it was done； Esther；” said my darling； “I was always
thinking how to tell you； and what to do for the best。 And
sometimes I thought you ought to know it directly； and sometimes
I thought you ought not to know it and keep it from my cousin
John； and I could not tell what to do； and I fretted very much。”
How selfish I must have been； not to have thought of this
before！ I don’t know what I said now。 I was so sorry； and yet I was
so fond of them； and so glad that they were fond of me； I pitied
them so much； and yet I felt a kind of pride in their loving one
another。 I never had experienced such painful and pleasurable
emotion at one time； and in my own heart I did not know which
predominated。 But I was not there to darken their way； I did not
do that。
When I was less foolish and more composed； my darling took
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her wedding ring from her bosom； and kissed it and put it on。
Then I remembered last night； and told Richard that ever since
her marriage she had worn it at night when there was no one to
see。 Then Ada blushingly asked me how did I know that； my dear？
Then I told Ada how I had seen her hand concealed under her
pillow； and had little thought why； my dear。 Then they began
telling me how it was； all over again； and I began to be sorry and
glad again； and foolish again； and to hide my plain old face as
much as I could； lest I should put them out of heart。
Thus the time went on； until it became necessary for me to
think of returning。 When that time arrived it was the worst of all；
for then my darling completely broke down。 She clung round my
neck； calling me by every dear name she could think of； and saying
what should she do without me！ Nor was Richard much better；
and as for me I should have been the worst of the three； if I had
not severely said to myself； “Now； Esther； if you do； I’ll never
speak to you again！”
“Why； I declare；” said I； “I never saw such a wife。 I don’t think
she loves her husband at all。 Here； Richard； take my child； for
goodness’ sake。” But I held her tight all the while； and could have
wept over her I don’t know how long。
“I give this dear young couple notice；” said I； “that I am only
going away to come back tomorrow； and that I shall be always
coming backwards and forwards； until Symond’s Inn is tired of the
sight of me。 So I shall not say good…bye； Richard。 For what would
be the use of that； you know； when I am coming back so soon！”
I had given my darling to him now； and I meant to go； but I
lingered for one more look of the precious face； which it seemed to
rive my heart to turn from。
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So I said （in a merry bustling manner） that unless they gave me
some encouragement to come back； I was not sure that I could
take that liberty； upon which my dear girl looked up； faintly
smiling through
