the door in the wall-第3章

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of　inattention　brought　down　impositions　upon　me　and　docked　the

margin　of　time　necessary　for　the　detour。　　I　don't　know。　　What　I　do

know　is　that　in　the　meantime　the　enchanted　garden　was　so　much　upon

my　mind　that　I　could　not　keep　it　to　myself。



〃I　toldWhat　was　his　name？a　ferrety…looking　youngster　we

used　to　call　Squiff。〃



〃Young　Hopkins；〃　said　I。



〃Hopkins　it　was。　　I　did　not　like　telling　him；　I　had　a　feeling

that　in　some　way　it　was　against　the　rules　to　tell　him；　but　I　did。　

He　was　walking　part　of　the　way　home　with　me；　he　was　talkative；　and

if　we　had　not　talked　about　the　enchanted　garden　we　should　have

talked　of　something　else；　and　it　was　intolerable　to　me　to　think

about　any　other　subject。　　So　I　blabbed。



〃Well；　he　told　my　secret。　　The　next　day　in　the　play　interval

I　found　myself　surrounded　by　half　a　dozen　bigger　boys；　half　teasing

and　wholly　curious　to　hear　more　of　the　enchanted　garden。　　There　was

that　big　Fawcettyou　remember　him？and　Carnaby　and　Morley

Reynolds。　　You　weren't　there　by　any　chance？　　No；　I　think　I　should

have　remembered　if　you　were　。　。　。　。　。



〃A　boy　is　a　creature　of　odd　feelings。　　I　was；　I　really

believe；　in　spite　of　my　secret　self…disgust；　a　little　flattered　to

have　the　attention　of　these　big　fellows。　　I　remember　particularly

a　moment　of　pleasure　caused　by　the　praise　of　Crawshawyou　remember

Crawshaw　major；　the　son　of　Crawshaw　the　composer？who　said　it　was

the　best　lie　he　had　ever　heard。　　But　at　the　same　time　there　was　a

really　painful　undertow　of　shame　at　telling　what　I　felt　was　indeed

a　sacred　secret。　　That　beast　Fawcett　made　a　joke　about　the　girl　in

green。〃



Wallace's　voice　sank　with　the　keen　memory　of　that　shame。　　〃I

pretended　not　to　hear；〃　he　said。　　〃Well；　then　Carnaby　suddenly

called　me　a　young　liar　and　disputed　with　me　when　I　said　the　thing

was　true。　　I　said　I　knew　where　to　find　the　green　door；　could　lead

them　all　there　in　ten　minutes。　　　Carnaby　became　outrageously

virtuous；　and　said　I'd　have　toand　bear　out　my　words　or　suffer。　

Did　you　ever　have　Carnaby　twist　your　arm？　　Then　perhaps　you'll

understand　how　it　went　with　me。　　I　swore　my　story　was　true。　　There

was　nobody　in　the　school　then　to　save　a　chap　from　Carnaby　though

Crawshaw　put　in　a　word　or　so。　　Carnaby　had　got　his　game。　　I　grew

excited　and　red…eared；　and　a　little　frightened；　I　behaved

altogether　like　a　silly　little　chap；　and　the　outcome　of　it　all　was

that　instead　of　starting　alone　for　my　enchanted　garden；　I　led　the

way　presentlycheeks　flushed；　ears　hot；　eyes　smarting；　and　my　soul

one　burning　misery　and　shamefor　a　party　of　six　mocking；　curious

and　threatening　school…fellows。



〃We　never　found　the　white　wall　and　the　green　door　。　。　。〃



〃You　mean？〃



〃I　mean　I　couldn't　find　it。　　I　would　have　found　it　if　I　could。



〃And　afterwards　when　I　could　go　alone　I　couldn't　find　it。　　I

never　found　it。　I　seem　now　to　have　been　always　looking　for　it

through　my　school…boy　days；　but　I've　never　come　upon　it　again。〃



〃Did　the　fellowsmake　it　disagreeable？〃



〃Beastly　。　。　。　。　。　　Carnaby　held　a　council　over　me　for　wanton

lying。　　I　remember　how　I　sneaked　home　and　upstairs　to　hide　the

marks　of　my　blubbering。　　But　when　I　cried　myself　to　sleep　at　last

it　wasn't　for　Carnaby；　but　for　the　garden；　for　the　beautiful

afternoon　I　had　hoped　for；　for　the　sweet　friendly　women　and　the

waiting　playfellows　and　the　game　I　had　hoped　to　learn　again；　that

beautiful　forgotten　game　。　。　。　。　。



〃I　believed　firmly　that　if　I　had　not　told　。　。　。　。　。　　I　had

bad　times　after　thatcrying　at　night　and　woolgathering　by　day。　

For　two　terms　I　slackened　and　had　bad　reports。　　Do　you　remember？　

Of　course　you　would！　　It　was　YOUyour　beating　me　in

mathematics　that　brought　me　back　to　the　grind　again。〃





III





For　a　time　my　friend　stared　silently　into　the　red　heart　of　the

fire。　　Then　he　said：　〃I　never　saw　it　again　until　I　was　seventeen。



〃It　leapt　upon　me　for　the　third　timeas　I　was　driving　to

Paddington　on　my　way　to　Oxford　and　a　scholarship。　　I　had　just　one

momentary　glimpse。　　I　was　leaning　over　the　apron　of　my　hansom

smoking　a　cigarette；　and　no　doubt　thinking　myself　no　end　of　a　man

of　the　world；　and　suddenly　there　was　the　door；　the　wall；　the　dear

sense　of　unforgettable　and　still　attainable　things。



〃We　clattered　byI　too　taken　by　surprise　to　stop　my　cab　until

we　were　well　past　and　round　a　corner。　　Then　I　had　a　queer　moment；

a　double　and　divergent　movement　of　my　will：　I　tapped　the　little

door　in　the　roof　of　the　cab；　and　brought　my　arm　down　to　pull　out　my

watch。　　'Yes；　sir！'　said　the　cabman；　smartly。　　'Er　wellit's

nothing；'　I　cried。　　'MY　mistake！　　We　haven't　much　time！　　Go

on！'　and　he　went　on　。　。　。



〃I　got　my　scholarship。　　And　the　night　after　I　was　told　of　that

I　sat　over　my　fire　in　my　little　upper　room；　my　study；　in　my

father's　house；　with　his　praisehis　rare　praiseand　his　sound

counsels　ringing　in　my　ears；　and　I　smoked　my　favourite　pipethe

formidable　bulldog　of　adolescenceand　thought　of　that　door　in　the

long　white　wall。　　'If　I　had　stopped；'　I　thought；　'I　should　have

missed　my　scholarship；　I　should　have　missed　Oxfordmuddled　all　the

fine　career　before　me！　　I　begin　to　see　things　better！'　I　fell

musing　deeply；　but　I　did　not　doubt　then　this　career　of　mine　was　a

thing　that　merited　sacrifice。



〃Those　dear　friends　and　that　clear　atmosphere　seemed　very

sweet　to　me；　very　fine；　but　remote。　　My　grip　was　fixing　now　upon

the　world。　　I　saw　another　door　openingthe　door　of　my　career。〃



He　stared　again　into　the　fire。　　Its　red　lights　picked　out　a

stubborn　strength　in　his　face　for　just　one　flickering　moment；　and

then　it　vanished　again。



〃Well〃；　he　said　and　sighed；　〃I　have　served　that　career。　　I

have　donemuch　work；　much　hard　work。　　But　I　have　dreamt　of　the

enchanted　garden　a　thousand　dreams；　and　seen　its　door；　or　at　least

glimpsed　its　door；　four　times　since　then。　　Yesfour　times。　　For　a

while　this　world　was　so　bright　and　interesting；　seemed　so　full　of

meaning　and　opportunity　that　the　half…effaced　charm　of　the　garden

was　by　comparison　gentle　and　remote。　　Who　wants　to　pat　panthers　on

the　way　to　dinner　with　pretty　women　and　distinguished　men？　　I　came

down　to　London　from　Oxford；　a　man　of　bold　promise　that　I　have　done

something　to　redeem。　　Somethingand　yet　there　have　been

disappointments　。　。　。　。　。



〃Twice　I　have　been　in　loveI　will　not　dwell　on　thatbut

once；　as　I　went　to　someone　who；　I　know；　doubted　whether　I　dared　to

come；　I　took　a　short　cut　at　a　venture　through　an　unfrequented　road

near　Earl's　Court；　and　so　happened　on　a　white　wall　and　a　familiar

green　door。　　'Odd！'　said　I　to　myself；　'but　I　thought　this　place　was

on　Campden　Hill。　　It's　the　place　I　never　could　find　somehowlike

counting　Stonehengethe　place　of　that　queer　day　dream　of　mine。'

And　I　went　by　it　intent　upon　my　purpose。　　It　had　no　appeal　to　me

that　afternoon。



〃I　had　just　a　moment's　impulse　to　try　the　door；　three　steps

aside　were　needed　at　the　mostthough　I　was　sure　enough　in　my　heart

that　it　would　open　to　meand　then　I　thought　that　doing　so　might

delay　me　on　the　way　to　that　appointment　in　which　I　thought　my

honour　was　involved。　　Afterwards　I　was　sorry　for　my　punctualityI

might　at　least　have　peeped　in　I　thought；　and　waved　a　hand　to　those

panthers；　but　I　knew　enough　by　this　time　not　to　seek　again

belatedly　that　which　is　not　found　by　seeking。　　Yes；　that　time　made

me　very　sorry　。　。　。　。　。



〃Years　of　hard　work　after　that　and　never　a　sight　of　the　door。　

It's　only　recently　it　has　come　back　to　me。　　With　it　there　has　come

a　sense　as　though　some　thin　tarnish　had　spread　itself　over　my

world。　　I　began　to　think　of　it　as　a　sorrowful　and　bitter　thing　that

I　should　never　see　that　door　again。　　Perhaps　I　was　suffering　a

little　from　overworkperhaps　it　was　what　I've　heard　spoken　of　as

the　feeling　of　forty。　　I　don't　know。　　But　certainly　the　keen

brightness　that　makes　effort　easy　has　gone　out　of　things　recently；

and　that　just　at　a　time　with　all　these　new　political　developments

when　I　ought　to　be　working。　　Odd；　isn't　it？　　But　I　do　begin　to

find　life　toilsome；　its　rewards；　as　I　come　near　them；　cheap。　　I

began　a　little　while　ago　to　want　the　garden　quite　badly。　　Yesand

I've　seen　it　three　times。〃



〃The　garden？〃



〃Nothe　door！　　And　I　haven't　gone　in！〃



He　leaned　over　the　table　to　me；　with　an　enormous　sorrow　in　his

voice　as　he　spoke。　　〃Thrice　I　have　had　my　chanceTHRICE！　

If　ever　that　door　offers　itself　to　me　again；　I　swore；　I　will　go　in

out　of　this　dust　and　heat；　out　of　this　dry　glitter　of　vanity；　out

of　these　toilsome　futilities。　　I　will　go　and　never　return。　　This

time　I　will　stay　。　。　。　。　。　　I　swore　it　and　when　the　time　came

I　DIDN'T　GO。



〃Three　times　in　one　year　have　I　passed　that　door　and　failed　to

enter。　　Three　times　in　the　last　year。



〃The　first　time　was　on　the　night　of　the　snatch　division　on　the

Tenants'　Redemption　Bill；　on　which　the　Government　was　saved　by　a

majority　of　three。　　You　remember？　　No　one　on　our　sideperhaps　very

few　on　the　opposite　sideexpected　the　end　that　night。　　Then　the

debate　collapsed　like　eggshells。　　I　and　Hotchkiss　were　dining　with

his　cousin　at　Brentford；　we　were　both　unpaired；　and　we　were　called

up　by　telephone；　and　set　off　at　once　in　his　cousin's　motor。　　We　got

in　barely　in　time；　and　on　the　way　we　passed　my　wall　and　doorlivid

in　the　moonlight；　blotched　with　hot　yellow　as　the　glare　of　our

lamps　lit　it；　but　unmistakable。　　'My　God！'　cried　I。　　'What？'said

Hotchkiss。　　'Nothing！'　I　answered；　and　the　moment　passed。



〃'I've　made　a　great　sacrifice；'　I　told　the　whip　as　I　got　in。

'They　all　have；'　he　said；　and　hurried　by。



〃I　do　not　see　how　I　could　have　done　otherwise　then。　　And　the

next　occasion　was　as　I　rushed　to　my　father's　bedside　to　bid　that

stern　old　man　farewell。　　Then；　too；　the　claims　of　life　were

imperative。　　But　the　third　time　was　different；　it　happened　a　week

ago。　　It　fills　me　with　hot　remorse　to　recall　it。　　I　was　with　Gurker

and　Ralphsit's　no　secret　now　you　know　that　I've　had　my　talk　with

Gurker。　　We　had　been　dining　at　Frobisher's；　and　the　talk　had　become

intimate　between　us。　　The　question　of　my　place　in　the　reconstructed

ministry　lay　always　just　over　the　boundary　of　the　discussion。　　Yes

yes。　　That's　all　settled。　　It　needn't　be　talked　about　yet；　but

there's　no　reason　to　keep　a　secret　from　you　。　。　。　。　。　　Yesthanks！

thanks！　　But　let　me　tell　you　my　story。



〃Then；　on　that　night　things　were　very　much　in　the　air。　　My

position　was　a　very　delicate　one。　　I　was　keenly　anxious　to　get　some

definite　word　from　Gurker；　but　was　hampered　by　Ralphs'　presence。　

I　was　using　the　best　power　of　my　brain　to　keep　that　light　and

careless　talk　not　too　obviously　directed　to　the　point　that　concerns

me。　　I　had　to。　　Ralphs'　behaviour　since　has　more　than　justified　my

caution　。　。　。　。　。　　Ralphs；　I　knew；　would　leave　us　beyond　the

Kensington　High　Street；　and　then　I　could　surprise　Gurker　by　a

sudden　frankness。　　One　has　some