confessions of an english opium-eater-第8章

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eft　London　I　put　into　the　hands　of　the　only　person　who　（I　was　sure）　must　know　Ann　by　sight；　from　having　been　in　company　with　us　once　or　twice；　an　address　to　…；　in　…shire；　at　that　time　the　residence　of　my　family。　　But　to　this　hour　I　have　never　heard　a　syllable　about　her。　　This；　amongst　such　troubles　as　most　men　meet　with　in　this　life；　has　been　my　heaviest　affliction。　　If　she　lived；　doubtless　we　must　have　been　some　time　in　search　of　each　other；　at　the　very　same　moment；　through　the　mighty　labyrinths　of　London；　perhaps　even　within　a　few　feet　of　each　other　a　barrier　no　wider　than　a　London　street　often　amounting　in　the　end　to　a　separation　for　eternity！　　During　some　years　I　hoped　that　she　DID　live；　and　I　suppose　that；　in　the　literal　and　unrhetorical　use　of　the　word　MYRIAD；　I　may　say　that　on　my　different　visits　to　London　I　have　looked　into　many；　many　myriads　of　female　faces；　in　the　hope　of　meeting　her。　　I　should　know　her　again　amongst　a　thousand；　if　I　saw　her　for　a　moment；　for　though　not　handsome；　she　had　a　sweet　expression　of　countenance　and　a　peculiar　and　graceful　carriage　of　the　head。　　I　sought　her；　I　have　said；　in　hope。　　So　it　was　for　years；　but　now　I　should　fear　to　see　her；　and　her　cough；　which　grieved　me　when　I　parted　with　her；　is　now　my　consolation。　　I　now　wish　to　see　her　no　longer；　but　think　of　her；　more　gladly；　as　one　long　since　laid　in　the　gravein　the　grave；　I　would　hope；　of　a　Magdalen；　taken　away；　before　injuries　and　cruelty　had　blotted　out　and　transfigured　her　ingenuous　nature；　or　the　brutalities　of　ruffians　had　completed　the　ruin　they　had　begun。

＇The　remainder　of　this　very　interesting　article　will　be　given　in　the　next　number。ED。＇




PART　II




From　the　London　Magazine　for　October　1821。

So　then；　Oxford　Street；　stony…hearted　step…mother！　thou　that　listenest　to　the　sighs　of　orphans　and　drinkest　the　tears　of　children；　at　length　I　was　dismissed　from　thee；　the　time　was　come　at　last　that　I　no　more　should　pace　in　anguish　thy　never…ending　terraces；　no　more　should　dream　and　wake　in　captivity　to　the　pangs　of　hunger。　　Successors　too　many；　to　myself　and　Ann；　have　doubtless　since　then　trodden　in　our　footsteps；　inheritors　of　our　calamities；　other　orphans　than　Ann　have　sighed；　tears　have　been　shed　by　other　children；　and　thou；　Oxford　Street；　hast　since　doubtless　echoed　to　the　groans　of　innumerable　hearts。　　For　myself；　however；　the　storm　which　I　had　outlived　seemed　to　have　been　the　pledge　of　a　long　fair…　weatherthe　premature　sufferings　which　I　had　paid　down　to　have　been　accepted　as　a　ransom　for　many　years　to　come；　as　a　price　of　long　immunity　from　sorrow；　and　if　again　I　walked　in　London　a　solitary　and　contemplative　man　（as　oftentimes　I　did）；　I　walked　for　the　most　part　in　serenity　and　peace　of　mind。　　And　although　it　is　true　that　the　calamities　of　my　noviciate　in　London　had　struck　root　so　deeply　in　my　bodily　constitution；　that　afterwards　they　shot　up　and　flourished　afresh；　and　grew　into　a　noxious　umbrage　that　has　overshadowed　and　darkened　my　latter　years；　yet　these　second　assaults　of　suffering　were　met　with　a　fortitude　more　confirmed；　with　the　resources　of　a　maturer　intellect；　and　with　alleviations　from　sympathising　affectionhow　deep　and　tender！

Thus；　however；　with　whatsoever　alleviations；　years　that　were　far　asunder　were　bound　together　by　subtle　links　of　suffering　derived　from　a　common　root。　　And　herein　I　notice　an　instance　of　the　short…　sightedness　of　human　desires；　that　oftentimes　on　moonlight　nights；　during　my　first　mournful　abode　in　London；　my　consolation　was　（if　such　it　could　be　thought）　to　gaze　from　Oxford　Street　up　every　avenue　in　succession　which　pierces　through　the　heart　of　Marylebone　to　the　fields　and　the　woods；　for　THAT；　said　I；　travelling　with　my　eyes　up　the　long　vistas　which　lay　part　in　light　and　part　in　shade；　〃THAT　is　the　road　to　the　North；　and　therefore　to；　and　if　I　had　the　wings　of　a　dove；　THAT　way　I　would　fly　for　comfort。〃　　Thus　I　said；　and　thus　I　wished；　in　my　blindness。　　Yet　even　in　that　very　northern　region　it　was；　even　in　that　very　valley；　nay；　in　that　very　house　to　which　my　erroneous　wishes　pointed；　that　this　second　birth　of　my　sufferings　began；　and　that　they　again　threatened　to　besiege　the　citadel　of　life　and　hope。　　There　it　was　that　for　years　I　was　persecuted　by　visions　as　ugly；　and　as　ghastly　phantoms　as　ever　haunted　the　couch　of　an　Orestes；　and　in　this　unhappier　than　he；　that　sleep；　which　comes　to　all　as　a　respite　and　a　restoration；　and　to　him　especially　as　a　blessed　｛7｝　balm　for　his　wounded　heart　and　his　haunted　brain；　visited　me　as　my　bitterest　scourge。　　Thus　blind　was　I　in　my　desires；　yet　if　a　veil　interposes　between　the　dim…sightedness　of　man　and　his　future　calamities；　the　same　veil　hides　from　him　their　alleviations；　and　a　grief　which　had　not　been　feared　is　met　by　consolations　which　had　not　been　hoped。　　I　therefore；　who　participated；　as　it　were；　in　the　troubles　of　Orestes　（excepting　only　in　his　agitated　conscience）；　participated　no　less　in　all　his　supports。　　My　Eumenides；　like　his；　were　at　my　bed…feet；　and　stared　in　upon　me　through　the　curtains；　but　watching　by　my　pillow；　or　defrauding　herself　of　sleep　to　bear　me　company　through　the　heavy　watches　of　the　night；　sate　my　Electra；　for　thou；　beloved　M。；　dear　companion　of　my　later　years；　thou　wast　my　Electra！　and　neither　in　nobility　of　mind　nor　in　long…suffering　affection　wouldst　permit　that　a　Grecian　sister　should　excel　an　English　wife。　　For　thou　thoughtest　not　much　to　stoop　to　humble　offices　of　kindness　and　to　servile　｛8｝　ministrations　of　tenderest　affectionto　wipe　away　for　years　the　unwholesome　dews　upon　the　forehead；　or　to　refresh　the　lips　when　parched　and　baked　with　fever；　nor　even　when　thy　own　peaceful　slumbers　had　by　long　sympathy　become　infected　with　the　spectacle　of　my　dread　contest　with　phantoms　and　shadowy　enemies　that　oftentimes　bade　me　〃sleep　no　more！〃not　even　then　didst　thou　utter　a　complaint　or　any　murmur；　nor　withdraw　thy　angelic　smiles；　nor　shrink　from　thy　service　of　love；　more　than　Electra　did　of　old。　　For　she　too；　though　she　was　a　Grecian　woman；　and　the　daughter　of　the　king　｛9｝　of　men；　yet　wept　sometimes；　and　hid　her　face　｛10｝　in　her　robe。

But　these　troubles　are　past；　and　thou　wilt　read　records　of　a　period　so　dolorous　to　us　both　as　the　legend　of　some　hideous　dream　that　can　return　no　more。　　Meantime；　I　am　again　in　London；　and　again　I　pace　the　terraces　of　Oxford　Street　by　night；　and　oftentimes；　when　I　am　oppressed　by　anxieties　that　demand　all　my　philosophy　and　the　comfort　of　thy　presence　to　support；　and　yet　remember　that　I　am　separated　from　thee　by　three　hundred　miles　and　the　length　of　three　dreary　months；　I　look　up　the　streets　that　run　northwards　from　Oxford　Street；　upon　moon…light　nights；　and　recollect　my　youthful　ejaculation　of　anguish；　and　remembering　that　thou　art　sitting　alone　in　that　same　valley；　and　mistress　of　that　very　house　to　which　my　heart　turned　in　its　blindness　nineteen　years　ago；　I　think　that；　though　blind　indeed；　and　scattered　to　the　winds　of　late；　the　promptings　of　my　heart　may　yet　have　had　reference　to　a　remoter　time；　and　may　be　justified　if　read　in　another　meaning；　and　if　I　could　allow　myself　to　descend　again　to　the　impotent　wishes　of　childhood；　I　should　again　say　to　myself；　as　I　look　to　the　North；　〃Oh；　that　I　had　the　wings　of　a　dove〃　and　with　how　just　a　confidence　in　thy　good　and　gracious　nature　might　I　add　the　other　half　of　my　early　ejaculation〃And　THAT　way　I　would　fly　for　comfort！〃


THE　PLEASURES　OF　OPIUM


It　is　so　long　since　I　first　took　opium　that　if　it　had　been　a　trifling　incident　in　my　life　I　might　have　forgotten　its　date；　but　cardinal　events　are　not　to　be　forgotten；　and　from　circumstances　connected　with　it　I　remember　that　it　must　be　referred　to　the　autumn　of　1804。　　During　that　season　I　was　in　London；　having　come　thither　for　the　first　time　since　my　entrance　at　college。　　And　my　introduction　to　opium　arose　in　the　following　way。　　From　an　early　age　I　had　been　accustomed　to　wash　my　head　in　cold　water　at　least　once　a　day：　　being　suddenly　seized　with　toothache；　I　attributed　it　to　some　relaxation　caused　by　an　accidental　intermission　of　that　practice；　jumped　out　of　bed；　plunged　my　head　into　a　basin　of　cold　water；　and　with　hair　thus　wetted　went　to　sleep。　　The　next　morning；　as　I　need　hardly　say；　I　awoke　with　excruciating　rheumatic　pains　of　the　head　and　face；　from　which　I　had　hardly　any　respite　for　about　twenty　days。　On　the　twenty…first　day　I　think　it　was；　and　on　a　Sunday；　that　I　went　out　into　the　streets；　rather　to　run　away；　if　possible；　from　my　torments；　than　with　any　distinct　purpose。　　By　accident　I　met　a　college　acquaintance；　who　recommended　opium。　　Opium！　dread　agent　of　unimaginable　pleasure　and　pain！　　I　had　heard　of　it　as　I　had　of　manna　or　of　ambrosia；　but　no　further。　　How　unmeaning　a　sound　was　it　at　that　time：　　what　solemn　chords　does　it　now　strike　upon　my　heart！　what　heart…quaking　vibrations　of　sad　and　happy　remembrances！　Reverting　for　a　moment　to　these；　I　feel　a　mystic　importance　attached　to　the　minutest　circumstances　connected　with　the　place　and　the　time　and　the　man　（if　man　he　was）　that　first　laid　open　to　me　the　Paradise　of　Opium…eaters。　　It　was　a　Sunday　afternoon；　wet　and　cheerless：　　and　a　duller　spectacle　this　earth　of　ours　has　not　to　show　than　a　rainy　Sunday　in　London。　　My　road　homewards　lay　through　Oxford　Street；　and　near　〃the　stately　Pantheon〃　（as　Mr。　Wordsworth　has　obligingly　called　it）　I　saw　a　druggist's　shop。　　The　druggistunconscious　minister　of　celestial　pleasures！as　if　in　sympathy　with　the　rainy　Sunday；　looked　dull　and　stupid；　just　as　any　mortal　druggist　might　be　expected　to　look　on　a　Sunday；　and　when　I　asked　for　the　tincture　of　opium；　he　gave　it　to　me　as　any　other　man　might　do；　and　furthermore；　out　of　my　shilling　returned　me　what　seemed　to　be　real　copper　halfpence；　taken　out　of　a　real　wooden　drawer。　　Nevertheless；　in　spite　of　such　indications　of　humanity；　he　has　ever　since　existed　in　my　mind　as　the　beatific　vision　of　an　immortal　druggist；　sent　down　to　earth　on　a　special　mission　to　myself。　　And　it　confirms　me　in　this　way　of　considering　him；　that　when　I　next　came　up　to　London　I　sought　him　near　the　stately　Pantheon；　and　found　him　not；　and　thus　to　me；　who　knew　not　his　name　（if　indeed　he　had　one）；　he　seemed　rather　to　have　vanished　from　Oxford　Street　than　to　have　removed　in　any　bodily　fashion。　　The　reader　may　choose　to　think　of　him　as　possibly　no　more　than　a　sublunary　druggist；　it　may　be　so；　but　my　faith　is　betterI　believe　him　to　have　evanesced；　｛11｝　or　evaporated。　　So　unwillingly　would　I　connect　any　mortal　remembrances　with　that　hour；　and　place；　and　creature；　that　first　brought　me　acquainted　with　the　celestial　drug。

Arrived　at　my　lodgings；　it　may　be　supposed　that　I　lost　not　a　moment　in　taking　the　quantity　prescribed。　　I　was　necessarily　ignorant　of　the　whole　art　and　mystery　of　opium…taking；　and　what　I　took　I　took　under　every　disadvantage。　　But　I　took　itand　in　an　houroh；　heavens！　what　a　revulsion！　what　an　upheaving；　from　its　lowest　depths；　of　inner　spirit！　what　an　apocalypse　of　the　world　within　me！　That　my　pains　had　vanished　was　now　a　trifle　in　my　eyes：　　this　negative　effect　wasswallowed　up　in　the　immensity　of　those　positive　effects　which　had　opened　before　mein　the　abyss　of　divine　enjoyment　thus　suddenly　revealed。　　Here　was　a　panacea；　a　＇Greek　text＇　for　all　human　woes；　here　was　the　secret　of　happiness；　abou