confessions of an english opium-eater-第7章

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　or　person　of　that　rank）　to　go　to　bed　without　delay。　　This　I　promised；　though　with　no　intention　of　doing　so；　and　in　fact　I　immediately　set　forward；　or　rather　backward；　on　foot。　　It　must　then　have　been　nearly　midnight；　but　so　slowly　did　I　creep　along　that　I　heard　a　clock　in　a　cottage　strike　four　before　I　turned　down　the　lane　from　Slough　to　Eton。　　The　air　and　the　sleep　had　both　refreshed　me；　but　I　was　weary　nevertheless。　　I　remember　a　thought　（obvious　enough；　and　which　has　been　prettily　expressed　by　a　Roman　poet）　which　gave　me　some　consolation　at　that　moment　under　my　poverty。　　There　had　been　some　time　before　a　murder　committed　on　or　near　Hounslow　Heath。　　I　think　I　cannot　be　mistaken　when　I　say　that　the　name　of　the　murdered　person　was　STEELE；　and　that　he　was　the　owner　of　a　lavender　plantation　in　that　neighbourhood。　　Every　step　of　my　progress　was　bringing　me　nearer　to　the　Heath；　and　it　naturally　occurred　to　me　that　I　and　the　accused　murderer；　if　he　were　that　night　abroad；　might　at　every　instant　be　unconsciously　approaching　each　other　through　the　darkness；　in　which　case；　said　Isupposing　I；　instead　of　being　（as　indeed　I　am）　little　better　than　an　outcast　…


Lord　of　my　learning；　and　no　land　beside　…


were；　like　my　friend　Lord　…；　heir　by　general　repute　to　70；000　pounds　per　annum；　what　a　panic　should　I　be　under　at　this　moment　about　my　throat！　　Indeed；　it　was　not　likely　that　Lordshould　ever　be　in　my　situation。　　But　nevertheless；　the　spirit　of　the　remark　remains　true…　…that　vast　power　and　possessions　make　a　man　shamefully　afraid　of　dying；　and　I　am　convinced　that　many　of　the　most　intrepid　adventurers；　who；　by　fortunately　being　poor；　enjoy　the　full　use　of　their　natural　courage；　would；　if　at　the　very　instant　of　going　into　action　news　were　brought　to　them　that　they　had　unexpectedly　succeeded　to　an　estate　in　England　of　50；000　pounds　a…year；　feel　their　dislike　to　bullets　considerably　sharpened；　｛6｝　and　their　efforts　at　perfect　equanimity　and　self…possession　proportionably　difficult。　　So　true　it　is；　in　the　language　of　a　wise　man　whose　own　experience　had　made　him　acquainted　with　both　fortunes；　that　riches　are　better　fitted


To　slacken　virtue；　and　abate　her　edge；　Than　tempt　her　to　do　ought　may　merit　praise。　Paradise　Regained。


I　dally　with　my　subject　because；　to　myself；　the　remembrance　of　these　times　is　profoundly　interesting。　　But　my　reader　shall　not　have　any　further　cause　to　complain；　for　I　now　hasten　to　its　close。　　In　the　road　between　Slough　and　Eton　I　fell　asleep；　and　just　as　the　morning　began　to　dawn　I　was　awakened　by　the　voice　of　a　man　standing　over　me　and　surveying　me。　　I　know　not　what　he　was：　　he　was　an　ill…looking　fellow；　but　not　therefore　of　necessity　an　ill…meaning　fellow；　or；　if　he　were；　I　suppose　he　thought　that　no　person　sleeping　out…of…doors　in　winter　could　be　worth　robbing。　　In　which　conclusion；　however；　as　it　regarded　myself；　I　beg　to　assure　him；　if　he　should　be　among　my　readers；　that　he　was　mistaken。　　After　a　slight　remark　he　passed　on；　and　I　was　not　sorry　at　his　disturbance；　as　it　enabled　me　to　pass　through　Eton　before　people　were　generally　up。　　The　night　had　been　heavy　and　lowering；　but　towards　the　morning　it　had　changed　to　a　slight　frost；　and　the　ground　and　the　trees　were　now　covered　with　rime。　　I　slipped　through　Eton　unobserved；　washed　myself；　and　as　far　as　possible　adjusted　my　dress；　at　a　little　public…house　in　Windsor；　and　about　eight　o'clock　went　down　towards　Pote's。　　On　my　road　I　met　some　junior　boys；　of　whom　I　made　inquiries。　　An　Etonian　is　always　a　gentleman；　and；　in　spite　of　my　shabby　habiliments；　they　answered　me　civilly。　　My　friend　Lordwas　gone　to　the　University　of　　…。　　〃Ibi　omnis　effusus　labor！〃　　I　had；　however；　other　friends　at　Eton；　but　it　is　not　to　all　that　wear　that　name　in　prosperity　that　a　man　is　willing　to　present　himself　in　distress。　　On　recollecting　myself；　however；　I　asked　for　the　Earl　of　D…；　to　whom　（though　my　acquaintance　with　him　was　not　so　intimate　as　with　some　others）　I　should　not　have　shrunk　from　presenting　myself　under　any　circumstances。　　He　was　still　at　Eton；　though　I　believe　on　the　wing　for　Cambridge。　　I　called；　was　received　kindly；　and　asked　to　breakfast。

Here　let　me　stop　for　a　moment　to　check　my　reader　from　any　erroneous　conclusions。　　Because　I　have　had　occasion　incidentally　to　speak　of　various　patrician　friends；　it　must　not　be　supposed　that　I　have　myself　any　pretension　to　rank　and　high　blood。　　I　thank　God　that　I　have　not。　　I　am　the　son　of　a　plain　English　merchant；　esteemed　during　his　life　for　his　great　integrity；　and　strongly　attached　to　literary　pursuits　（indeed；　he　was　himself；　anonymously；　an　author）。　　If　he　had　lived　it　was　expected　that　he　would　have　been　very　rich；　but　dying　prematurely；　he　left　no　more　than　about　30；000　pounds　amongst　seven　different　claimants。　　My　mother　I　may　mention　with　honour；　as　still　more　highly　gifted；　for　though　unpretending　to　the　name　and　honours　of　a　LITERARY　woman；　I　shall　presume　to　call　her　（what　many　literary　women　are　not）　an　INTELLECTUAL　woman；　and　I　believe　that　if　ever　her　letters　should　be　collected　and　published；　they　would　be　thought　generally　to　exhibit　as　much　strong　and　masculine　sense；　delivered　in　as　pure　〃mother　English；〃　racy　and　fresh　with　idiomatic　graces；　as　any　in　our　languagehardly　excepting　those　of　Lady　M。　W。　Montague。　　These　are　my　honours　of　descent；　I　have　no　other；　and　I　have　thanked　God　sincerely　that　I　have　not；　because；　in　my　judgment；　a　station　which　raises　a　man　too　eminently　above　the　level　of　his　fellow…creatures　is　not　the　most　favourable　to　moral　or　to　intellectual　qualities。

Lord　D…　placed　before　me　a　most　magnificent　breakfast。　　It　was　really　so；　but　in　my　eyes　it　seemed　trebly　magnificent；　from　being　the　first　regular　meal；　the　first　〃good　man's　table；〃　that　I　had　sate　down　to　for　months。　　Strange　to　say；　however；　I　could　scarce　eat　anything。　　On　the　day　when　I　first　received　my　10　pound　bank…　note　I　had　gone　to　a　baker's　shop　and　bought　a　couple　of　rolls；　this　very　shop　I　had　two　months　or　six　weeks　before　surveyed　with　an　eagerness　of　desire　which　it　was　almost　humiliating　to　me　to　recollect。　　I　remembered　the　story　about　Otway；　and　feared　that　there　might　be　danger　in　eating　too　rapidly。　　But　I　had　no　need　for　alarm；　my　appetite　was　quite　sunk；　and　I　became　sick　before　I　had　eaten　half　of　what　I　had　bought。　　This　effect　from　eating　what　approached　to　a　meal　I　continued　to　feel　for　weeks；　or；　when　I　did　not　experience　any　nausea；　part　of　what　I　ate　was　rejected；　sometimes　with　acidity；　sometimes　immediately　and　without　any　acidity。　　On　the　present　occasion；　at　Lord　D…'s　table；　I　found　myself　not　at　all　better　than　usual；　and　in　the　midst　of　luxuries　I　had　no　appetite。　　I　had；　however；　unfortunately；　at　all　times　a　craving　for　wine；　I　explained　my　situation；　therefore；　to　Lord　D…；　and　gave　him　a　short　account　of　my　late　sufferings；　at　which　he　expressed　great　compassion；　and　called　for　wine。　　This　gave　me　a　momentary　relief　and　pleasure；　and　on　all　occasions　when　I　had　an　opportunity　I　never　failed　to　drink　wine；　which　I　worshipped　then　as　I　have　since　worshipped　opium。　　I　am　convinced；　however；　that　this　indulgence　in　wine　contributed　to　strengthen　my　malady；　for　the　tone　of　my　stomach　was　apparently　quite　sunk；　and　by　a　better　regimen　it　might　sooner；　and　perhaps　effectually；　have　been　revived。　　I　hope　that　it　was　not　from　this　love　of　wine　that　I　lingered　in　the　neighbourhood　of　my　Eton　friends；　I　persuaded　myself　then　that　it　was　from　reluctance　to　ask　of　Lord　D…；　on　whom　I　was　conscious　I　had　not　sufficient　claims；　the　particular　service　in　quest　of　which　I　had　come　down　to　Eton。　　I　was；　however　unwilling　to　lose　my　journey；　andI　asked　it。　　Lord　D…；　whose　good　nature　was　unbounded；　and　which；　in　regard　to　myself；　had　been　measured　rather　by　his　compassion　perhaps　for　my　condition；　and　his　knowledge　of　my　intimacy　with　some　of　his　relatives；　than　by　an　over…rigorous　inquiry　into　the　extent　of　my　own　direct　claims；　faltered；　nevertheless；　at　this　request。　　He　acknowledged　that　he　did　not　like　to　have　any　dealings　with　money…lenders；　and　feared　lest　such　a　transaction　might　come　to　the　ears　of　his　connexions。　　Moreover；　he　doubted　whether　HIS　signature；　whose　expectations　were　so　much　more　bounded　than　those　of　…；　would　avail　with　my　unchristian　friends。　However；　he　did　not　wish；　as　it　seemed；　to　mortify　me　by　an　absolute　refusal；　for　after　a　little　consideration　he　promised；　under　certain　conditions　which　he　pointed　out；　to　give　his　security。　　Lord　D…　was　at　this　time　not　eighteen　years　of　age；　but　I　have　often　doubted；　on　recollecting　since　the　good　sense　and　prudence　which　on　this　occasion　he　mingled　with　so　much　urbanity　of　manner　（an　urbanity　which　in　him　wore　the　grace　of　youthful　sincerity）；　whether　any　statesmanthe　oldest　and　the　most　accomplished　in　diplomacycould　have　acquitted　himself　better　under　the　same　circumstances。　　Most　people；　indeed；　cannot　be　addressed　on　such　a　business　without　surveying　you　with　looks　as　austere　and　unpropitious　as　those　of　a　Saracen's　head。

Recomforted　by　this　promise；　which　was　not　quite　equal　to　the　best　but　far　above　the　worst　that　I　had　pictured　to　myself　as　possible；　I　returned　in　a　Windsor　coach　to　London　three　days　after　I　had　quitted　it。　　And　now　I　come　to　the　end　of　my　story。　　The　Jews　did　not　approve　of　Lord　D…'s　terms；　whether　they　would　in　the　end　have　acceded　to　them；　and　were　only　seeking　time　for　making　due　inquiries；　I　know　not；　but　many　delays　were　made；　time　passed　on；　the　small　fragment　of　my　bank…note　had　just　melted　away；　and　before　any　conclusion　could　have　been　put　to　the　business　I　must　have　relapsed　into　my　former　state　of　wretchedness。　　Suddenly；　however；　at　this　crisis；　an　opening　was　made；　almost　by　accident；　for　reconciliation　with　my　friends；　I　quitted　London　in　haste　for　a　remote　part　of　England；　after　some　time　I　proceeded　to　the　university；　and　it　was　not　until　many　months　had　passed　away　that　I　had　it　in　my　power　again　to　revisit　the　ground　which　had　become　so　interesting　to　me；　and　to　this　day　remains　so；　as　the　chief　scene　of　my　youthful　sufferings。

Meantime；　what　had　become　of　poor　Ann？　　For　her　I　have　reserved　my　concluding　words。　　According　to　our　agreement；　I　sought　her　daily；　and　waited　for　her　every　night；　so　long　as　I　stayed　in　London；　at　the　corner　of　Titchfield　Street。　　I　inquired　for　her　of　every　one　who　was　likely　to　know　her；　and　during　the　last　hours　of　my　stay　in　London　I　put　into　activity　every　means　of　tracing　her　that　my　knowledge　of　London　suggested　and　the　limited　extent　of　my　power　made　possible。　　The　street　where　she　had　lodged　I　knew；　but　not　the　house；　and　I　remembered　at　last　some　account　which　she　had　given　me　of　ill…treatment　from　her　landlord；　which　made　it　probable　that　she　had　quitted　those　lodgings　before　we　parted。　　She　had　few　acquaintances；　most　people；　besides；　thought　that　the　earnestness　of　my　inquiries　arose　from　motives　which　moved　their　laughter　or　their　slight　regard；　and　others；　thinking　I　was　in　chase　of　a　girl　who　had　robbed　me　of　some　trifles；　were　naturally　and　excusably　indisposed　to　give　me　any　clue　to　her；　if　indeed　they　had　any　to　give。　　Finally　as　my　despairing　resource；　on　the　day　I　left　London　I　put　into　the　hands　of　the　only　person　who　（I　was　sure）　must　know　Ann　by　sight；　from　hav