confessions of an english opium-eater-第2章

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terial　bad　consequences　by　the　necessity　of　interposing　long　intervals　between　the　several　acts　of　indulgence；　in　order　to　renew　the　pleasurable　sensations。　　It　was　not　for　the　purpose　of　creating　pleasure；　but　of　mitigating　pain　in　the　severest　degree；　that　I　first　began　to　use　opium　as　an　article　of　daily　diet。　　In　the　twenty…eighth　year　of　my　age　a　most　painful　affection　of　the　stomach；　which　I　had　first　experienced　about　ten　years　before；　attacked　me　in　great　strength。　　This　affection　had　originally　been　caused　by　extremities　of　hunger；　suffered　in　my　boyish　days。　　During　the　season　of　hope　and　redundant　happiness　which　succeeded　（that　is；　from　eighteen　to　twenty…four）　it　had　slumbered；　for　the　three　following　years　it　had　revived　at　intervals；　and　now；　under　unfavourable　circumstances；　from　depression　of　spirits；　it　attacked　me　with　a　violence　that　yielded　to　no　remedies　but　opium。　　As　the　youthful　sufferings　which　first　produced　this　derangement　of　the　stomach　were　interesting　in　themselves；　and　in　the　circumstances　that　attended　them；　I　shall　here　briefly　retrace　them。

My　father　died　when　I　was　about　seven　years　old；　and　left　me　to　the　care　of　four　guardians。　　I　was　sent　to　various　schools；　great　and　small；　and　was　very　early　distinguished　for　my　classical　attainments；　especially　for　my　knowledge　of　Greek。　　At　thirteen　I　wrote　Greek　with　ease；　and　at　fifteen　my　command　of　that　language　was　so　great　that　I　not　only　composed　Greek　verses　in　lyric　metres；　but　could　converse　in　Greek　fluently　and　without　embarrassmentan　accomplishment　which　I　have　not　since　met　with　in　any　scholar　of　my　times；　and　which　in　my　case　was　owing　to　the　practice　of　daily　reading　off　the　newspapers　into　the　best　Greek　I　could　furnish　extempore；　for　the　necessity　of　ransacking　my　memory　and　invention　for　all　sorts　and　combinations　of　periphrastic　expressions　as　equivalents　for　modern　ideas；　images；　relations　of　things；　&c。；　gave　me　a　compass　of　diction　which　would　never　have　been　called　out　by　a　dull　translation　of　moral　essays；　&c。　　〃That　boy；〃　said　one　of　my　masters；　pointing　the　attention　of　a　stranger　to　me；　〃that　boy　could　harangue　an　Athenian　mob　better　than　you　and　I　could　address　an　English　one。〃　　He　who　honoured　me　with　this　eulogy　was　a　scholar；　〃and　a　ripe　and　a　good　one；〃　and　of　all　my　tutors　was　the　only　one　whom　I　loved　or　reverenced。　　Unfortunately　for　me　（and；　as　I　afterwards　learned；　to　this　worthy　man's　great　indignation）；　I　was　transferred　to　the　care；　first　of　a　blockhead；　who　was　in　a　perpetual　panic　lest　I　should　expose　his　ignorance；　and　finally　to　that　of　a　respectable　scholar　at　the　head　of　a　great　school　on　an　ancient　foundation。　　This　man　had　been　appointed　to　his　situation　byCollege；　Oxford；　and　was　a　sound；　well…built　scholar；　but　（like　most　men　whom　I　have　known　from　that　college）　coarse；　clumsy；　and　inelegant。　　A　miserable　contrast　he　presented；　in　my　eyes；　to　the　Etonian　brilliancy　of　my　favourite　master；　and　beside；　he　could　not　disguise　from　my　hourly　notice　the　poverty　and　meagreness　of　his　understanding。　　It　is　a　bad　thing　for　a　boy　to　be　and　to　know　himself　far　beyond　his　tutors；　whether　in　knowledge　or　in　power　of　mind。　　This　was　the　case；　so　far　as　regarded　knowledge　at　least；　not　with　myself　only；　for　the　two　boys；　who　jointly　with　myself　composed　the　first　form；　were　better　Grecians　than　the　head…master；　though　not　more　elegant　scholars；　nor　at　all　more　accustomed　to　sacrifice　to　the　Graces。　　When　I　first　entered　I　remember　that　we　read　Sophocles；　and　it　was　a　constant　matter　of　triumph　to　us；　the　learned　triumvirate　of　the　first　form；　to　see　our　〃Archididascalus〃　（as　he　loved　to　be　called）　conning　our　lessons　before　we　went　up；　and　laying　a　regular　train；　with　lexicon　and　grammar；　for　blowing　up　and　blasting　（as　it　were）　any　difficulties　he　found　in　the　choruses；　whilst　WE　never　condescended　to　open　our　books　until　the　moment　of　going　up；　and　were　generally　employed　in　writing　epigrams　upon　his　wig　or　some　such　important　matter。　　My　two　class…fellows　were　poor；　and　dependent　for　their　future　prospects　at　the　university　on　the　recommendation　of　the　head…master；　but　I；　who　had　a　small　patrimonial　property；　the　income　of　which　was　sufficient　to　support　me　at　college；　wished　to　be　sent　thither　immediately。　　I　made　earnest　representations　on　the　subject　to　my　guardians；　but　all　to　no　purpose。　　One；　who　was　more　reasonable　and　had　more　knowledge　of　the　world　than　the　rest；　lived　at　a　distance；　two　of　the　other　three　resigned　all　their　authority　into　the　hands　of　the　fourth；　and　this　fourth；　with　whom　I　had　to　negotiate；　was　a　worthy　man　in　his　way；　but　haughty；　obstinate；　and　intolerant　of　all　opposition　to　his　will。　　After　a　certain　number　of　letters　and　personal　interviews；　I　found　that　I　had　nothing　to　hope　for；　not　even　a　compromise　of　the　matter；　from　my　guardian。　　Unconditional　submission　was　what　he　demanded；　and　I　prepared　myself；　therefore；　for　other　measures。　Summer　was　now　coming　on　with　hasty　steps；　and　my　seventeenth　birthday　was　fast　approaching；　after　which　day　I　had　sworn　within　myself　that　I　would　no　longer　be　numbered　amongst　schoolboys。　　Money　being　what　I　chiefly　wanted；　I　wrote　to　a　woman　of　high　rank；　who；　though　young　herself；　had　known　me　from　a　child；　and　had　latterly　treated　me　with　great　distinction；　requesting　that　she　would　〃lend〃　me　five　guineas。　　For　upwards　of　a　week　no　answer　came；　and　I　was　beginning　to　despond；　when　at　length　a　servant　put　into　my　hands　a　double　letter　with　a　coronet　on　the　seal。　　The　letter　was　kind　and　obliging。　　The　fair　writer　was　on　the　sea…coast；　and　in　that　way　the　delay　had　arisen；　she　enclosed　double　of　what　I　had　asked；　and　good…　naturedly　hinted　that　if　I　should　NEVER　repay　her；　it　would　not　absolutely　ruin　her。　　Now；　then；　I　was　prepared　for　my　scheme。　　Ten　guineas；　added　to　about　two　which　I　had　remaining　from　my　pocket…　money；　seemed　to　me　sufficient　for　an　indefinite　length　of　time；　and　at　that　happy　age；　if　no　DEFINITE　boundary　can　be　assigned　to　one's　power；　the　spirit　of　hope　and　pleasure　makes　it　virtually　infinite。

It　is　a　just　remark　of　Dr。　Johnson's　（and；　what　cannot　often　be　said　of　his　remarks；　it　is　a　very　feeling　one）；　that　we　never　do　anything　consciously　for　the　last　time　（of　things；　that　is；　which　we　have　long　been　in　the　habit　of　doing）　without　sadness　of　heart。　　This　truth　I　felt　deeply　when　I　came　to　leave　…；　a　place　which　I　did　not　love；　and　where　I　had　not　been　happy。　　On　the　evening　before　I　left…　…for　ever；　I　grieved　when　the　ancient　and　lofty　schoolroom　resounded　with　the　evening　service；　performed　for　the　last　time　in　my　hearing；　and　at　night；　when　the　muster…roll　of　names　was　called　over；　and　mine　（as　usual）　was　called　first；　I　stepped　forward；　and　passing　the　head…master；　who　was　standing　by；　I　bowed　to　him；　and　looked　earnestly　in　his　face；　thinking　to　myself；　〃He　is　old　and　infirm；　and　in　this　world　I　shall　not　see　him　again。〃　　I　was　right；　I　never　DID　see　him　again；　nor　ever　shall。　　He　looked　at　me　complacently；　smiled　good…naturedly；　returned　my　salutation　（or　rather　my　valediction）；　and　we　parted　（though　he　knew　it　not）　for　ever。　　I　could　not　reverence　him　intellectually；　but　he　had　been　uniformly　kind　to　me；　and　had　allowed　me　many　indulgences；　and　I　grieved　at　the　thought　of　the　mortification　I　should　inflict　upon　him。

The　morning　came　which　was　to　launch　me　into　the　world；　and　from　which　my　whole　succeeding　life　has　in　many　important　points　taken　its　colouring。　　I　lodged　in　the　head…master's　house；　and　had　been　allowed　from　my　first　entrance　the　indulgence　of　a　private　room；　which　I　used　both　as　a　sleeping…room　and　as　a　study。　　At　half　after　three　I　rose；　and　gazed　with　deep　emotion　at　the　ancient　towers　of　…　；　〃drest　in　earliest　light；〃　and　beginning　to　crimson　with　the　radiant　lustre　of　a　cloudless　July　morning。　　I　was　firm　and　immovable　in　my　purpose；　but　yet　agitated　by　anticipation　of　uncertain　danger　and　troubles；　and　if　I　could　have　foreseen　the　hurricane　and　perfect　hail…storm　of　affliction　which　soon　fell　upon　me；　well　might　I　have　been　agitated。　　To　this　agitation　the　deep　peace　of　the　morning　presented　an　affecting　contrast；　and　in　some　degree　a　medicine。　　The　silence　was　more　profound　than　that　of　mid…　night；　and　to　me　the　silence　of　a　summer　morning　is　more　touching　than　all　other　silence；　because；　the　light　being　broad　and　strong　as　that　of　noonday　at　other　seasons　of　the　year；　it　seems　to　differ　from　perfect　day　chiefly　because　man　is　not　yet　abroad；　and　thus　the　peace　of　nature　and　of　the　innocent　creatures　of　God　seems　to　be　secure　and　deep　only　so　long　as　the　presence　of　man　and　his　restless　and　unquiet　spirit　are　not　there　to　trouble　its　sanctity。　　I　dressed　myself；　took　my　hat　and　gloves；　and　lingered　a　little　in　the　room。　For　the　last　year　and　a　half　this　room　had　been　my　〃pensive　citadel〃：　　here　I　had　read　and　studied　through　all　the　hours　of　night；　and　though　true　it　was　that　for　the　latter　part　of　this　time　I；　who　was　framed　for　love　and　gentle　affections；　had　lost　my　gaiety　and　happiness　during　the　strife　and　fever　of　contention　with　my　guardian；　yet；　on　the　other　hand；　as　a　boy　so　passionately　fond　of　books；　and　dedicated　to　intellectual　pursuits；　I　could　not　fail　to　have　enjoyed　many　happy　hours　in　the　midst　of　general　dejection。　　I　wept　as　I　looked　round　on　the　chair；　hearth；　writing…table；　and　other　familiar　objects；　knowing　too　certainly　that　I　looked　upon　them　for　the　last　time。　　Whilst　I　write　this　it　is　eighteen　years　ago；　and　yet　at　this　moment　I　see　distinctly；　as　if　it　were　yesterday；　the　lineaments　and　expression　of　the　object　on　which　I　fixed　my　parting　gaze。　　It　was　a　picture　of　the　lovely　…；　which　hung　over　the　mantelpiece；　the　eyes　and　mouth　of　which　were　so　beautiful；　and　the　whole　countenance　so　radiant　with　benignity　and　divine　tranquillity；　that　I　had　a　thousand　times　laid　down　my　pen　or　my　book　to　gather　consolation　from　it；　as　a　devotee　from　his　patron　saint。　　Whilst　I　was　yet　gazing　upon　it　the　deep　tones　ofclock　proclaimed　that　it　was　four　o'clock。　　I　went　up　to　the　picture；　kissed　it；　and　then　gently　walked　out　and　closed　the　door　for　ever！


So　blended　and　intertwisted　in　this　life　are　occasions　of　laughter　and　of　tears；　that　I　cannot　yet　recall　without　smiling　an　incident　which　occurred　at　that　time；　and　which　had　nearly　put　a　stop　to　the　immediate　execution　of　my　plan。　　I　had　a　trunk　of　immense　weight；　for；　besides　my　clothes；　it　contained　nearly　all　my　library。　　The　difficulty　was　to　get　this　removed　to　a　carrier's：　　my　room　was　at　an　aerial　elevation　in　the　house；　and　（what　was　worse）　the　staircase　which　communicated　with　this　angle　of　the　building　was　accessible　only　by　a　gallery；　which　passed　the　head…master's　chamber　door。　　I　was　a　favourite　with　all　the　servants；　and　knowing　that　any　of　them　would　screen　me　and　act　confidentially；　I　communicated　my　embarrassment　to　a　groom　of　the　head…master's。　　The　groom　swore　he　would　do　anything　I　wished；　and　when　the　time　arrived　went　upstairs　to　bring　the　trunk　down。　　This　I　feared　was　beyond　the　strength　of　any　one　man；　however；　the　groom　was　a　man


Of　Atlantean　shoulders；　fit　to　bear　The　weight　of　mightiest　monarchies；


and　had　a　back　as　spacious　as　Salisbury　Plain。　　Accordingly　he　persisted　in　bringing　down　the　trun