confessions of an english opium-eater-第17章

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As　a　final　specimen；　I　cite　one　of　a　different　character；　from　1820。

The　dream　commenced　with　a　music　which　now　I　often　heard　in　dreams　a　music　of　preparation　and　of　awakening　suspense；　a　music　like　the　opening　of　the　Coronation　Anthem；　and　which；　like　THAT；　gave　the　feeling　of　a　vast　march；　of　infinite　cavalcades　filing　off；　and　the　tread　of　innumerable　armies。　　The　morning　was　come　of　a　mighty　day　a　day　of　crisis　and　of　final　hope　for　human　nature；　then　suffering　some　mysterious　eclipse；　and　labouring　in　some　dread　extremity。　Somewhere；　I　knew　not　wheresomehow；　I　knew　not　howby　some　beings；　I　knew　not　whoma　battle；　a　strife；　an　agony；　was　conducting；　was　evolving　like　a　great　drama　or　piece　of　music；　with　which　my　sympathy　was　the　more　insupportable　from　my　confusion　as　to　its　place；　its　cause；　its　nature；　and　its　possible　issue。　　I；　as　is　usual　in　dreams　（where　of　necessity　we　make　ourselves　central　to　every　movement）；　had　the　power；　and　yet　had　not　the　power；　to　decide　it。　　I　had　the　power；　if　I　could　raise　myself　to　will　it；　and　yet　again　had　not　the　power；　for　the　weight　of　twenty　Atlantics　was　upon　me；　or　the　oppression　of　inexpiable　guilt。　　〃Deeper　than　ever　plummet　sounded；〃　I　lay　inactive。　　Then　like　a　chorus　the　passion　deepened。　　Some　greater　interest　was　at　stake；　some　mightier　cause　than　ever　yet　the　sword　had　pleaded；　or　trumpet　had　proclaimed。　Then　came　sudden　alarms；　hurryings　to　and　fro；　trepidations　of　innumerable　fugitivesI　knew　not　whether　from　the　good　cause　or　the　bad；　darkness　and　lights；　tempest　and　human　faces；　and　at　last；　with　the　sense　that　all　was　lost；　female　forms；　and　the　features　that　were　worth　all　the　world　to　me；　and　but　a　moment　allowedand　clasped　hands；　and　heart…breaking　partings；　and　theneverlasting　farewells！　　And　with　a　sigh；　such　as　the　caves　of　Hell　sighed　when　the　incestuous　mother　uttered　the　abhorred　name　of　death；　the　sound　was　reverberatedeverlasting　farewells！　　And　again　and　yet　again　reverberatedeverlasting　farewells！

And　I　awoke　in　struggles；　and　cried　aloud〃I　will　sleep　no　more。〃

But　I　am　now　called　upon　to　wind　up　a　narrative　which　has　already　extended　to　an　unreasonable　length。　　Within　more　spacious　limits　the　materials　which　I　have　used　might　have　been　better　unfolded；　and　much　which　I　have　not　used　might　have　been　added　with　effect。　Perhaps；　however；　enough　has　been　given。　　It　now　remains　that　I　should　say　something　of　the　way　in　which　this　conflict　of　horrors　was　finally　brought　to　a　crisis。　　The　reader　is　already　aware　（from　a　passage　near　the　beginning　of　the　introduction　to　the　first　part）　that　the　Opium…eater　has；　in　some　way　or　other；　〃unwound　almost　to　its　final　links　the　accursed　chain　which　bound　him。〃　　By　what　means？　To　have　narrated　this　according　to　the　original　intention　would　have　far　exceeded　the　space　which　can　now　be　allowed。　　It　is　fortunate；　as　such　a　cogent　reason　exists　for　abridging　it；　that　I　should；　on　a　maturer　view　of　the　case；　have　been　exceedingly　unwilling　to　injure；　by　any　such　unaffecting　details；　the　impression　of　the　history　itself；　as　an　appeal　to　the　prudence　and　the　conscience　of　the　yet　unconfirmed　opium…eateror　even　（though　a　very　inferior　consideration）　to　injure　its　effect　as　a　composition。　　The　interest　of　the　judicious　reader　will　not　attach　itself　chiefly　to　the　subject　of　the　fascinating　spells；　but　to　the　fascinating　power。　Not　the　Opium…eater；　but　the　opium；　is　the　true　hero　of　the　tale；　and　the　legitimate　centre　on　which　the　interest　revolves。　　The　object　was　to　display　the　marvellous　agency　of　opium；　whether　for　pleasure　or　for　pain：　　if　that　is　done；　the　action　of　the　piece　has　closed。

However；　as　some　people；　in　spite　of　all　laws　to　the　contrary；　will　persist　in　asking　what　became　of　the　Opium…eater；　and　in　what　state　he　now　is；　I　answer　for　him　thus：　　The　reader　is　aware　that　opium　had　long　ceased　to　found　its　empire　on　spells　of　pleasure；　it　was　solely　by　the　tortures　connected　with　the　attempt　to　abjure　it　that　it　kept　its　hold。　　Yet；　as　other　tortures；　no　less　it　may　be　thought；　attended　the　non…abjuration　of　such　a　tyrant；　a　choice　only　of　evils　was　left；　and　THAT　might　as　well　have　been　adopted　which；　however　terrific　in　itself；　held　out　a　prospect　of　final　restoration　to　happiness。　　This　appears　true；　but　good　logic　gave　the　author　no　strength　to　act　upon　it。　　However；　a　crisis　arrived　for　the　author's　life；　and　a　crisis　for　other　objects　still　dearer　to　himand　which　will　always　be　far　dearer　to　him　than　his　life；　even　now　that　it　is　again　a　happy　one。　　I　saw　that　I　must　die　if　I　continued　the　opium。　I　determined；　therefore；　if　that　should　be　required；　to　die　in　throwing　it　off。　　How　much　I　was　at　that　time　taking　I　cannot　say；　for　the　opium　which　I　used　had　been　purchased　for　me　by　a　friend；　who　afterwards　refused　to　let　me　pay　him；　so　that　I　could　not　ascertain　even　what　quantity　I　had　used　within　the　year。　　I　apprehend；　however；　that　I　took　it　very　irregularly；　and　that　I　varied　from　about　fifty　or　sixty　grains　to　150　a　day。　　My　first　task　was　to　reduce　it　to　forty；　to　thirty；　and　as　fast　as　I　could　to　twelve　grains。

I　triumphed。　　But　think　not；　reader；　that　therefore　my　sufferings　were　ended；　nor　think　of　me　as　of　one　sitting　in　a　DEJECTED　state。　Think　of　me　as　one；　even　when　four　months　had　passed；　still　agitated；　writhing；　throbbing；　palpitating；　shattered；　and　much　perhaps　in　the　situation　of　him　who　has　been　racked；　as　I　collect　the　torments　of　that　state　from　the　affecting　account　of　them　left　by　a　most　innocent　sufferer　｛20｝　of　the　times　of　James　I。　　Meantime；　I　derived　no　benefit　from　any　medicine；　except　one　prescribed　to　me　by　an　Edinburgh　surgeon　of　great　eminence；　viz。；　ammoniated　tincture　of　valerian。　　Medical　account；　therefore；　of　my　emancipation　I　have　not　much　to　give；　and　even　that　little；　as　managed　by　a　man　so　ignorant　of　medicine　as　myself；　would　probably　tend　only　to　mislead。　At　all　events；　it　would　be　misplaced　in　this　situation。　　The　moral　of　the　narrative　is　addressed　to　the　opium…eater；　and　therefore　of　necessity　limited　in　its　application。　　If　he　is　taught　to　fear　and　tremble；　enough　has　been　effected。　　But　he　may　say　that　the　issue　of　my　case　is　at　least　a　proof　that　opium；　after　a　seventeen　years'　use　and　an　eight　years'　abuse　of　its　powers；　may　still　be　renounced；　and　that　HE　may　chance　to　bring　to　the　task　greater　energy　than　I　did；　or　that　with　a　stronger　constitution　than　mine　he　may　obtain　the　same　results　with　less。　　This　may　be　true。　　I　would　not　presume　to　measure　the　efforts　of　other　men　by　my　own。　　I　heartily　wish　him　more　energy。　　I　wish　him　the　same　success。　　Nevertheless；　I　had　motives　external　to　myself　which　he　may　unfortunately　want；　and　these　supplied　me　with　conscientious　supports　which　mere　personal　interests　might　fail　to　supply　to　a　mind　debilitated　by　opium。

Jeremy　Taylor　conjectures　that　it　may　be　as　painful　to　be　born　as　to　die。　　I　think　it　probable；　and　during　the　whole　period　of　diminishing　the　opium　I　had　the　torments　of　a　man　passing　out　of　one　mode　of　existence　into　another。　　The　issue　was　not　death；　but　a　sort　of　physical　regeneration；　and　I　may　add　that　ever　since；　at　intervals；　I　have　had　a　restoration　of　more　than　youthful　spirits；　though　under　the　pressure　of　difficulties　which　in　a　less　happy　state　of　mind　I　should　have　called　misfortunes。

One　memorial　of　my　former　condition　still　remainsmy　dreams　are　not　yet　perfectly　calm；　the　dread　swell　and　agitation　of　the　storm　have　not　wholly　subsided；　the　legions　that　encamped　in　them　are　drawing　off；　but　not　all　departed；　my　sleep　is　still　tumultuous；　and；　like　the　gates　of　Paradise　to　our　first　parents　when　looking　back　from　afar；　it　is　still　（in　the　tremendous　line　of　Milton）


With　dreadful　faces　throng'd；　and　fiery　arms。



APPENDIX



From　the　〃London　Magazine〃　for　December　1822。

The　interest　excited　by　the　two　papers　bearing　this　title；　in　our　numbers　for　September　and　October　1821；　will　have　kept　our　promise　of　a　Third　Part　fresh　in　the　remembrance　of　our　readers。　　That　we　are　still　unable　to　fulfil　our　engagement　in　its　original　meaning　will；　we；　are　sure；　be　matter　of　regret　to　them　as　to　ourselves；　especially　when　they　have　perused　the　following　affecting　narrative。　It　was　composed　for　the　purpose　of　being　appended　to　an　edition　of　the　Confessions　in　a　separate　volume；　which　is　already　before　the　public；　and　we　have　reprinted　it　entire；　that　our　subscribers　may　be　in　possession　of　the　whole　of　this　extraordinary　history。


The　proprietors　of　this　little　work　having　determined　on　reprinting　it；　some　explanation　seems　called　for；　to　account　for　the　non…　appearance　of　a　third　part　promised　in　the　London　Magazine　of　December　last；　and　the　more　so　because　the　proprietors；　under　whose　guarantee　that　promise　was　issued；　might　otherwise　be　implicated　in　the　blamelittle　or　muchattached　to　its　non…fulfilment。　　This　blame；　in　mere　justice；　the　author　takes　wholly　upon　himself。　　What　may　be　the　exact　amount　of　the　guilt　which　he　thus　appropriates　is　a　very　dark　question　to　his　own　judgment；　and　not　much　illuminated　by　any　of　the　masters　in　casuistry　whom　he　has　consulted　on　the　occasion。　　On　the　one　hand　it　seems　generally　agreed　that　a　promise　is　binding　in　the　inverse　ratio　of　the　numbers　to　whom　it　is　made；　for　which　reason　it　is　that　we　see　many　persons　break　promises　without　scruple　that　are　made　to　a　whole　nation；　who　keep　their　faith　religiously　in　all　private　engagements；　breaches　of　promise　towards　the　stronger　party　being　committed　at　a　man's　own　peril；　on　the　other　hand；　the　only　parties　interested　in　the　promises　of　an　author　are　his　readers；　and　these　it　is　a　point　of　modesty　in　any　author　to　believe　as　few　as　possibleor　perhaps　only　one；　in　which　case　any　promise　imposes　a　sanctity　of　moral　obligation　which　it　is　shocking　to　think　of。　　Casuistry　dismissed；　however；　the　author　throws　himself　on　the　indulgent　consideration　of　all　who　may　conceive　themselves　aggrieved　by　his　delay；　in　the　following　account　of　his　own　condition　from　the　end　of　last　year；　when　the　engagement　was　made；　up　nearly　to　the　present　time。　　For　any　purpose　of　self…　excuse　it　might　be　sufficient　to　say　that　intolerable　bodily　suffering　had　totally　disabled　him　for　almost　any　exertion　of　mind；　more　especially　for　such　as　demands　and　presupposes　a　pleasurable　and　genial　state　of　feeling；　but；　as　a　case　that　may　by　possibility　contribute　a　trifle　to　the　medical　history　of　opium；　in　a　further　stage　of　its　action　than　can　often　have　been　brought　under　the　notice　of　professional　men；　he　has　judged　that　it　might　be　acceptable　to　some　readers　to　have　it　described　more　at　length。　Fiat　experimentum　in　corpore　vili　is　a　just　rule　where　there　is　any　reasonable　presumption　of　benefit　to　arise　on　a　large　scale。　　What　the　benefit　may　be　will　admit　of　a　doubt；　but　there　can　be　none　as　to　the　value　of　the　body；　for　a　more　worthless　body　than　his　own　the　author　is　free　to　confess　cannot　be。　　It　is　his　pride　to　believe　that　it　is　the　very　ideal　of　a　base；　crazy；　despicable　human　system；　that　hardly　ever　could　have　been　meant　to　be　seaworthy　for　two　days　under　the　ordinary　storms　and　wear　and　tear　of　life；　and　indeed；　if　that　were　the　creditable　way　of　disposing　of　human　bodies；　he　must　own　that　he　should　almost　be　ashamed　t