poor miss finch-第51章

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servant。　Try　as　I　might；　I　was　perfectly　incapable　of　speaking　to　him。

He　felt　no　such　difficulty　on　his　side。　One　of　the　strangest
peculiarities　in　the　humbler　ranks　of　the　English　people；　is　the　sort　of
solemn　relish　which　they　have　for　talking　of　their　own　misfortunes。　To　be
the　objects　of　a　calamity　of　any　kind；　seems　to　raise　them　in　their　own
estimations。　With　a　dreary　enjoyment　of　his　miserable　theme；　the　servant
expatiated　on　his　position　as　a　man　deprived　of　the　best　of　masters；
turned　adrift　again　in　the　world　to　seek　another　service；　hopeless　of
ever　again　finding　himself　in　such　a　situation　as　he　had　lost。　He　roused
me　at　last　into　speaking　to　him；　by　sheer　dint　of　irritating　my　nerves
until　I　could　endure　him　no　longer。

〃Has　Mr。　Oscar　gone　away　alone？〃　I　asked。

〃Yes；　ma'am；　quite　alone。〃

（What　had　become　of　Nugent？　I　was　too　much　interested　in　Oscar　to　be　able
to　put　the　question；　at　that　moment。）

〃When　did　your　master　go？〃　I　went　on。

〃Better　than　two　hours　since。〃

〃Why　didn't　I　hear　of　it　before？〃

〃I　had　Mr。　Oscar's　orders　not　to　tell　you；　ma'am；　till　this　time　in　the
evening。〃

Wretched　as　I　was　already；　my　spirits　sank　lower　still　when　I　heard　that。
The　order　given　to　the　servant　looked　like　a　premeditated　design；　not
only　to　leave　Dimchurch；　but　also　to　keep　us　in　ignorance　of　his
whereabouts　afterwards。

〃Has　Mr。　Oscar　gone　to　London？〃　I　inquired。

〃He　hired　Gootheridge's　chaise；　ma'am；　to　take　him　to　Brighton。　And　he
told　me　with　his　own　lips　that　he　had　left　Browndown　never　to　come　back。
I　know　no　more　of　it　than　that。〃

He　had　left　Browndown；　never　to　come　back！　For　Lucilla's　sake；　I　declined
to　believe　that。　The　servant　was　exaggerating；　or　the　servant　had
misunderstood　what　had　been　said　to　him。　The　letter　in　my　hand　reminded
me　that　I　had　perhaps　needlessly　questioned　him　on　matters　which　his
master　had　confided　to　my　own　knowledge　only。　Before　I　dismissed　him　for
the　night；　I　made　my　deferred　inquiry　on　the　hateful　subject　of　the　other
brother。

〃Where　is　Mr。　Nugent？〃

〃At　Browndown。〃

〃Do　you　mean　to　say　that　he　is　going　to　stay　at　Browndown？〃

〃I　don't　know；　ma'am；　for　certain。　I　see　no　signs　of　his　meaning　to
leave；　and　he　has　said　nothing　to　that　effect。〃

I　had　the　greatest　difficulty　to　keep　myself　from　breaking　out　before　the
servant。　My　indignation　almost　choked　me。　The　best　way　was　to　wish　him
good　night。　I　took　the　best　wayonly　calling　him　back　（as　a　measure　of
caution）　to　say　one　last　word。

〃Have　you　told　anybody　at　the　rectory　of　Mr。　Oscar's　departure？〃　I　asked。

〃No；　ma'am。〃

〃Say　nothing；　about　it　then；　as　you　go　out。　Thank　you　for　bringing　me　the
letter。　Good　night。〃

Having　thus　provided　against　any　whisper　of　what　had　happened　reaching
Lucilla's　ears　that　evening；　I　returned　to　Herr　Grosse　to　make　my
excuses；　and　to　tell　him　（as　I　honestly　could）　that　I　was　in　sore　need　of
being　permitted　to　retire　privately　to　my　own　room。　I　found　my
illustrious　guest　putting　a　plate　over　the　final　dish　of　the　dinner；　full
of　the　tenderest　anxiety　to　keep　it　warm　on　my　account。

〃Here　is　a　lofely　cheese…omelets；〃　said　Grosse。　〃Two…thirds　of　him　I　have
eaten　my　own　self。　The　odder　third　I　sweat　with　anxiety　to　keep　warm　for
you。　Sit　down！　sit　down！　Every　moment　he　is　getting　cold。〃

〃I　am　much　obliged　to　you；　Herr　Grosse。　I　have　just　heard　some　miserable
news〃

〃Ach；　Gott！　don't　tell　it　to　me！〃　the　wretch　burst　out　with　a　look　of
consternation。　〃No　miserable　news；　I　pray　you；　after　such　a　dinner　as　I
have　eaten。　Let　me　do　my　digestions！　My　goot…dear…creature；　if　you　lofe
me　let　me　do　my　digestions！〃

〃Will　you　excuse　me；　if　I　leave　you　to　your　digestion；　and　retire　to　my
own　room？〃

He　rose　in　a　violent　hurry；　and　opened　the　door　for　me。

〃Yes！　yes！　From　the　deep　bottoms　of　my　heart　I　excuse　you。　Goot　Madame
Pratolungo；　retire！　retire！〃

I　had　barely　passed　the　threshold；　before　the　door　was　closed　behind　me。
I　heard　the　selfish　old　brute　rub　his　hands；　and　chuckle　over　his　success
in　shutting　me　and　my　sorrow　both　out　of　the　room　together。

Just　as　my　hand　was　on　my　own　door；　it　occurred　to　me　that　I　should　do
well　to　make　sure　of　not　being　surprised　by　Lucilla　over　the　reading　of
Oscar's　letter。　The　truth　is　that　I　shrank　from　reading　it。　In　spite　of
my　resolution　to　disbelieve　the　servant；　the　dread　was　now　growing　on　me
that　the　letter　would　confirm　his　statement；　and　would　force　it　on　me　as
the　truth　that　Oscar　had　left　us　never　to　return。　I　retraced　my　steps；
and　entered　Lucilla's　room。

I　could　just　see　her；　by　the　dim　night…light　burning　in　a　cornet　to
enable　the　surgeon　or　the　nurse　to　find　their　way　to　her。　She　was　alone
in　her　favorite　little　wicker…work　chair；　with　the　doleful　white　bandage
over　her　eyesto　all　appearance　quite　content；　busily　knitting！

〃Don't　you　feel　lonely；　Lucilla？〃

She　turned　her　head　towards　me；　and　answered　in　her　gayest　tones。

〃Not　in　the　least。　I　am　quite　happy　as　I　am。

〃Why　is　Zillah　not　with　you？〃

〃I　sent　her　away。〃

〃You　sent　her　away？〃

〃Yes！　I　couldn't　enjoy　myself　thoroughly　to…night；　unless　I　felt　that　I
was　quite　alone。　I　have　seen　him；　my　dearI　have　seen　him！　How　could　you
possibly　think　I　felt　lonely？　I　am　so　inordinately　happy　that　I　am
obliged　to　knit　to　keep　myself　quiet。　If　you　say　much　more；　I　shall　get
up　and　danceI　know　I　shall！　Where　is　Oscar？　That　odious　Grosseno！　it
is　too　bad　to　talk　of　the　dear　old　man　in　that　way；　after　he　has　given　me
back　my　sight。　Still　it　_is_　cruel　of　him　to　say　that　I　am　overexcited；
and　to　forbid　Oscar　to　come　and　see　me　to…night。　Is　Oscar　with　you；　in
the　next　room？　Is　he　very　much　disappointed　at　being　parted　from　me　in
this　way？　Say　I　am　thinking　of　himsince　I　have　seen　himwith　such　new
thoughts！〃

〃Oscar　is　not　here　to…night；　my　dear。〃

〃No？　then　he　is　at　Browndown　of　course　with　that　poor　wretched　disfigured
brother　of　his。　I　have　got　over　my　terror　of　Nugent's　hideous　face。　I　am
even　beginning　（though　I　never　liked　him；　as　you　know）　to　pity　him；　with
such　a　dreadful　complexion　as　that。　Don't　let　us　talk　about　it！　Don't　let
us　talk　at　all！　I　want　to　go　on　thinking　of　Oscar。〃

She　resumed　her　knitting；　and　shut　herself　up　luxuriously　in　her　own
happy　thoughts。　Knowing　what　I　knew；　it　was　nothing　less　than
heart…breaking　to　see　her　and　hear　her。　Afraid　to　trust　myself　to　say
another　word；　I　softly　closed　the　door；　and　charged　Zillah　（when　her
mistress　rang　her　bell）　to　say　for　me　that　I　was　weary　after　the　events
of　the　day；　and　had　gone　to　rest　in　my　bed…room。

At　last；　I　was　alone。　At　last　I　was　at　the　end　of　my　maneuvers　to　spare
myself　the　miserable　necessity　of　opening　Oscar's　letter。　After　first
locking　my　door；　I　broke　the　seal；　and　read　the　lines　which　follow。



〃KIND　AND　DEAR　FRIEND；Forgive　me：　I　am　going　to　surprise　and　distress
you。　My　letter　thanks　you　gratefully；　and　bids　you　a　last　farewell。

〃Summon　all　your　indulgence　for　me。　Read　these　lines　to　the　end：　they
will　tell　you　what　happened　after　I　left　the　rectory。

〃Nothing　had　been　seen　of　Nugent；　when　I　reached　this　house。　It　was　not
till　a　quarter　of　an　hour　later　that　I　heard　his　voice　at　the　door；
calling　to　me；　and　asking　if　I　had　come　back。　I　answered；　and　he　joined
me　in　the　sitting…room。　Nugent's　first　words　to　me　were　these：　〃
'Oscar；　I　have　come　to　ask　your　pardon；　and　to　bid　you　good…bye。'

〃I　can　give　you　no　idea　of　the　tone　in　which　he　spoke　to　me：　it　would
have　gone　straight　to　your　heart；　as　it　went　straight　to　mine。　For　the
moment；　I　was　not　able　to　answer　him。　I　could　only　offer　him　my　hand。　He
sighed　bitterly；　and　refused　to　take　it。

〃　'I　have　something　still　to　tell　you；'　he　said。　'Wait　till　you　have
heard　it；　and　give　me　your　hand　afterwardsif　you　can。'

〃He　even　refused　to　take　the　chair　to　which　I　pointed。　He　distressed　me
by　standing　in　my　presence　as　if　he　was　my　inferior。　The　next　words　that
he　said　to　me

〃No！　I　have　need　of　all　my　calmness　and　all　my　courage。　It　shakes　both　to
recall　what　he　said　to　me。　I　sat　down　to　write　this；　intending　to　repeat
to　you　everything　that　passed　between　us。　Another　of　my　weaknesses！
another　of　my　failures！　The　tears　come　into　my　eyes　again；　when　my　mind
attempts　to　dwell　on　the　details。　I　can　only　tell　you　the　result。　My
brother's　confession　may　be　summed　up　in　three　words。　Prepare　yourself　to
be　startled；　prepare　yourself　to　be　grieved。

〃Nugent　loves　her。

〃Think　of　this　discovery　falling　on　me；　after　I　had　seen　my　innocent
Lucilla's　arms　round　his　neckafter　my　own　eyes　had　shown　me　how　she
rejoiced　over　her　first　sight　of　_him；_　how　she　shuddered　at　her　first
sight　of　_me！_　Need　I　tell　you　what　I　suffered？　No。

〃Nugent　held　out　his　hand；　when　he　had　doneas　I　had　held　out　mine
before　he　began。

〃　'The　one　atonement　I　can　make　to　you　and　to　her；'　he　said；　'is　never　to
let　either　of　you　set　eyes　on　me　again。　Shake　hands；　Oscar；　and　let　me
go。'

〃If　I　had　willed　it　soso　it　might　have　ended。　I　willed　it　differently。
It　has　ended　differently。　Can　you　guess　how？〃



I　laid　down　the　letter　for　a　moment。　It　cut　me　with　such　keen　regret；　it
fired　me　with　such　hot　ragethat　I　was　within　a　hairsbreadth　of　tearing
the　rest　of　it　up　unread；　and　trampling　it　under　my　feet。　I　took　a　turn
in　the　room。　I　dipped　my　handkerchief　in　water；　and　bound　it　round　my
head。　In　a　minute　or　two　I　was　myself　againI　could　force　my　mind　away
from　my　poor　Lucilla；　and　return　to　the　letter。　It　proceeded　thus：

〃I　can　write　calmly　of　what　I　have　next　to　tell　you。　You　shall　hear　what
I　have　decided；　and　what　I　have　done。

〃I　told　Nugent　to　wait　in　the　room；　while　I　went　away；　and　thought　over
what　he　had　said　to　me；　by　myself。　He　attempted　to　resist　this。　I
insisted　on　his　yielding。　For　the　first　time　in　our　lives；　we　changed
places。　It　was　I　who　took　the　lead；　and　he　who　followed。　I　left　him　and
went　out　into　the　valley　alone。

〃The　heavenly　tranquillity；　the　comforting　solitude　helped　me。　I　saw　my
position　and　his；　in　their　true　light。　Before　I　got　back；　I　had　decided
（cost　me　what　it　might）　on　myself　making　the　sacrifice　to　which　my
brother　had　offered　to　submit。　For　Lucilla's　sake；　and　for　Nugent's　sake；
I　felt　the　certain　assurance　in　my　own　mind　that　it　was　_my_　duty；　and
not　_his；_　to　go。

〃Don't　blame　me；　don't　grieve　for　me。　Read　the　rest。　I　want　you　to　think
of　this　with　my　thoughtsto　feel　about　it　as　I　feel　at　this　moment。

〃Bearing　in　mind　what　Nugent　has　confessed；　and　what　I　have　myself　seen；
have　I　any　right　to　hold　Lucilla　to　her　engagement？　I　am　firmly　persuaded
that　I　have　no　right。　After　inspiring　her　with　terror　and　disgust　at　the
moment　when　her　eyes　first　looked　at　me；　after　seeing　her　innocently
happy　in　Nugent's　armshow；　in　God's　name；　can　I　claim　her　as　mine？　Our
marriage　has　become　an　impossibility。　For　her　own　sake；　I　cannot；　I　dare
not；　appeal　to　our　engagement。　The　wreck　of　_my_　happiness　is　nothing。
The　wreck　of　_her_　happiness　would　be　a　crime。　I　absolve　her　from　her
engagement。　She　is　free。

〃There　is　my　duty　towards　Lucillaas　I　see　it。

〃As　to　Nugent　next。　I　owe　it　entirely　to　my　brother　（at　the　time　of　the
Trial）　that　the　honor　of　our　family　has　been　save