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第17章

01-the kreutzer sonata-第17章

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wrath。'



〃No; they did not finish。  That other thing was going to begin;

of which he was afraid; and was going to annihilate what they

wanted to say。  I threw myself upon her; still hiding the dagger;

that he might not prevent me from striking where I desired; in

her bosom; under the breast。  At that moment he saw 。 。 。 and;

what I did not expect on his part; he quickly seized my hand; and

cried:



〃'Come to your senses!  What are you doing?  Help!  Help!'



〃I tore my hands from his grasp; and leaped upon him。  I must

have been very terrible; for he turned as white as a sheet; to

his lips。  His eyes scintillated singularly; andagain what I

did not expect of himhe scrambled under the piano; toward the

other room。  I tried to follow him; but a very heavy weight fell

upon my left arm。  It was she。



〃I made an effort to clear myself。  She clung more heavily than

ever; refusing to let go。  This unexpected obstacle; this burden;

and this repugnant touch only irritated me the more。  I perceived

that I was completely mad; that I must be frightful; and I was

glad of it。  With a sudden impulse; and with all my strength; I

dealt her; with my left elbow; a blow squarely in the face。



〃She uttered a cry and let go my arm。  I wanted to follow the

other; but I felt that it would be ridiculous to pursue in my

stockings the lover of my wife; and I did not wish to be

grotesque; I wished to be terrible。  In spite of my extreme rage;

I was all the time conscious of the impression that I was making

upon others; and even this impression partially guided me。



〃I turned toward her。  She had fallen on the long easy chair;

and; covering her face at the spot where I had struck her; she

looked at me。 Her features exhibited fear and hatred toward me;

her enemy; such as the rat exhibits when one lifts the rat…trap。 

At least; I saw nothing in her but that fear and hatred; the fear

and hatred which love for another had provoked。  Perhaps I still

should have restrained myself; and should not have gone to the

last extremity; if she had maintained silence。  But suddenly she

began to speak; she grasped my hand that held the dagger。



〃'Come to your senses!  What are you doing?  What is the matter

with you?  Nothing has happened; nothing; nothing!  I swear it to

you!'



〃I might have delayed longer; but these last words; from which I

inferred the contrary of what they affirmed;that is; that

EVERYTHING had happened;these words called for a reply。 And the

reply must correspond to the condition into which I had lashed

myself; and which was increasing and must continue to increase。 

Rage has its laws。



〃'Do not lie; wretch。  Do not lie!' I roared。



〃With my left hand I seized her hands。  She disengaged herself。 

Then; without dropping my dagger; I seized her by the throat;

forced her to the floor; and began to strangle her。  With her two

hands she clutched mine; tearing them from her throat; stifling。 

Then I struck her a blow with the dagger; in the left side;

between the lower ribs。



〃When people say that they do not remember what they do in a fit

of fury; they talk nonsense。 It is false。  I remember everything。



I did not lose my consciousness for a single moment。  The more I

lashed myself to fury; the clearer my mind became; and I could

not help seeing what I did。  I cannot say that I knew in advance

what I would do; but at the moment when I acted; and it seems to

me even a little before; I knew what I was doing; as if to make

it possible to repent; and to be able to say later that I could

have stopped。



〃I knew that I struck the blow between the ribs; and that the

dagger entered。



〃At the second when I did it; I knew that I was performing a

horrible act; such as I had never performed;an act that would

have frightful consequences。  My thought was as quick as

lightning; and the deed followed immediately。  The act; to my

inner sense; had an extraordinary clearness。  I perceived the

resistance of the corset and then something else; and then the

sinking of the knife into a soft substance。  She clutched at the

dagger with her hands; and cut herself with it; but could not

restrain the blow。



〃Long afterward; in prison when the moral revolution had been

effected within me; I thought of that minute; I remembered it as

far as I could; and I co…ordinated all the sudden changes。  I

remembered the terrible consciousness which I felt;that I was

killing a wife; MY wife。



〃I well remember the horror of that consciousness and I know

vaguely that; having plunged in the dagger; I drew it out again

immediately; wishing to repair and arrest my action。  She

straightened up and cried:



〃'Nurse; he has killed me!'



〃The old nurse; who had heard the noise; was standing in the

doorway。  I was still erect; waiting; and not believing myself in

what had happened。  But at that moment; from under her corset;

the blood gushed forth。  Then only did I understand that all

reparation was impossible; and promptly I decided that it was not

even necessary; that all had happened in accordance with my wish;

and that I had fulfilled my desire。  I waited until she fell; and

until the nurse; exclaiming; 'Oh; my God!' ran to her; then only

I threw away the dagger and went out of the room。



〃'I must not be agitated。  I must be conscious of what I am

doing;' I said to myself; looking neither at her nor at the old

nurse。  The latter cried and called the maid。  I passed through

the hall; and; after having sent the maid; started for my study。



〃'What shall I do now?' I asked myself。



〃And immediately I understood what I should do。  Directly after

entering the study; I went straight to the wall; took down the

revolver; and examined it attentively。  It was loaded。  Then I

placed it on the table。  Next I picked up the sheath of the

dagger; which had dropped down behind the sofa; and then I sat

down。  I remained thus for a long time。  I thought of nothing; I

did not try to remember anything。  I heard a stifled noise of

steps; a movement of objects and of tapestries; then the arrival

of a person; and then the arrival of another person。  Then I saw

Gregor bring into my room the baggage from the railway; as if any

one needed it!



〃'Have you heard what has happened?' I asked him。  'Have you told

the dvornik to inform the police?'



〃He made no answer; and went out。  I rose; closed the door; took

the cigarettes and the matches; and began to smoke。  I had not

finished one cigarette; when a drowsy feeling came over me and

sent me into a deep sleep。  I surely slept two hours。  I remember

having dreamed that I was on good terms with her; that after a

quarrel we were in the act of making up; that something prevented

us; but that we were friends all the same。



〃A knock at the door awoke me。



〃'It is the police;' thought I; as I opened my eyes。  'I have

killed; I believe。  But perhaps it is SHE; perhaps nothing has

happened。'



〃Another knock。  I did not answer。  I was solving the question:

'Has it happened or not? Yes; it has happened。'



〃I remembered the resistance of the corset; and then。 。 。 。 

'Yes; it has happened。  Yes; it has happened。  Yes; now I must

execute myself;' said I to myself。



〃I said it; but I knew well that I should not kill myself。 

Nevertheless; I rose and took the revolver; but; strange thing; I

remembered that formerly I had very often had suicidal ideas;

that that very night; on the cars; it had seemed to me easy;

especially easy because I thought how it would stupefy her。  Now

I not only could not kill myself; but I could not even think of

it。



〃'Why do it?' I asked myself; without answering。



〃Another knock at the door。



〃'Yes; but I must first know who is knocking。  I have time

enough。'



〃I put the revolver back on the table; and hid it under my

newspaper。  I went to the door and drew back the bolt。



〃It was my wife's sister;a good and stupid widow。



〃'Basile; what does this mean?' said she; and her tears; always

ready; began to flow。



〃'What do you want?' I asked roughly。



〃I saw clearly that there was no necessity of being rough with

her; but I could not speak in any other tone。



〃'Basile; she is dying。  Ivan Fedorowitch says so。'



〃Ivan Fedorowitch was the doctor; HER doctor; her counsellor。



〃'Is he here?' I inquired。



〃And all my hatred of her arose anew。



〃Well; what?



〃'Basile; go to her!  Ah! how terrible it is!' said she。



〃'Go to her?' I asked myself; and immediately I made answer to

myself that I ought to go; that probably that was the thing that

is usually done when a husband like myself kills his wife; that

it was absolutely necessary that I should go and see her。



〃'If that is the proper thing; I must go;' I repeated to myself。 

'Yes; if it is necessary; I shall still have time;' said I to

myself; thinking of my intention of blowing my brains out。



〃And I followed my sister…in…law。  'Now there are going to be

phrases and grimaces; but I will not yield;' I declared to

myself。



〃'Wait;' said I to my sister…in…law; 'it is stupid to be without

boots。  Let me at least put on my slippers。'



  

CHAPTER XXVIII。



〃Strange thing!  Again; when I had left my study; and was passing

through the familiar rooms; again the hope came to me that

nothing had happened。  But the odor of the drugs; iodoform and

phenic acid; brought me back to a sense of reality。



〃'No; everything has happened。'



〃In passing through the hall; beside the children's chamber; I

saw little Lise。  She was looking at me; with eyes that were full

of fear。  I even thought that all the children were looking at

me。  As I approached the door of our sleeping…room; a servant

opened it from within; and came out。  The first thing that I

noticed was HER light gray dress upon a chair; all dark with

blood。  On our common bed she was stretched; with knees drawn up。



She lay very high; upon pillows; with her chemise half open。 

Linen had been placed upon the wound。  A heavy smell of iodoform

filled the room。  Before; and more than anything else; I was

astonished at her face; which was swollen and bruised under the

eyes and over a part of the nose。  This was the result of the

blow that I had struck her with my elbow; when she had tried to

hold me back。  Of beauty there was no trace left。  I saw

something hideous in her。  I stopped upon the threshold。



〃'Approach; approach her;' said her sister。



〃'Yes; probably she repents;' thought I; 'shall I forgive her? 

Yes; she is dying; I must forgive her;' I added; trying to be

generous。



〃I approached the bedside。  With difficulty she raised her eyes;

one of which was swollen; and uttered these words haltingly:



〃'You have accomplished what you desired。  You have killed me。'



〃And in her face; thro

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