01-the kreutzer sonata-第17章
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wrath。'
〃No; they did not finish。 That other thing was going to begin;
of which he was afraid; and was going to annihilate what they
wanted to say。 I threw myself upon her; still hiding the dagger;
that he might not prevent me from striking where I desired; in
her bosom; under the breast。 At that moment he saw 。 。 。 and;
what I did not expect on his part; he quickly seized my hand; and
cried:
〃'Come to your senses! What are you doing? Help! Help!'
〃I tore my hands from his grasp; and leaped upon him。 I must
have been very terrible; for he turned as white as a sheet; to
his lips。 His eyes scintillated singularly; andagain what I
did not expect of himhe scrambled under the piano; toward the
other room。 I tried to follow him; but a very heavy weight fell
upon my left arm。 It was she。
〃I made an effort to clear myself。 She clung more heavily than
ever; refusing to let go。 This unexpected obstacle; this burden;
and this repugnant touch only irritated me the more。 I perceived
that I was completely mad; that I must be frightful; and I was
glad of it。 With a sudden impulse; and with all my strength; I
dealt her; with my left elbow; a blow squarely in the face。
〃She uttered a cry and let go my arm。 I wanted to follow the
other; but I felt that it would be ridiculous to pursue in my
stockings the lover of my wife; and I did not wish to be
grotesque; I wished to be terrible。 In spite of my extreme rage;
I was all the time conscious of the impression that I was making
upon others; and even this impression partially guided me。
〃I turned toward her。 She had fallen on the long easy chair;
and; covering her face at the spot where I had struck her; she
looked at me。 Her features exhibited fear and hatred toward me;
her enemy; such as the rat exhibits when one lifts the rat…trap。
At least; I saw nothing in her but that fear and hatred; the fear
and hatred which love for another had provoked。 Perhaps I still
should have restrained myself; and should not have gone to the
last extremity; if she had maintained silence。 But suddenly she
began to speak; she grasped my hand that held the dagger。
〃'Come to your senses! What are you doing? What is the matter
with you? Nothing has happened; nothing; nothing! I swear it to
you!'
〃I might have delayed longer; but these last words; from which I
inferred the contrary of what they affirmed;that is; that
EVERYTHING had happened;these words called for a reply。 And the
reply must correspond to the condition into which I had lashed
myself; and which was increasing and must continue to increase。
Rage has its laws。
〃'Do not lie; wretch。 Do not lie!' I roared。
〃With my left hand I seized her hands。 She disengaged herself。
Then; without dropping my dagger; I seized her by the throat;
forced her to the floor; and began to strangle her。 With her two
hands she clutched mine; tearing them from her throat; stifling。
Then I struck her a blow with the dagger; in the left side;
between the lower ribs。
〃When people say that they do not remember what they do in a fit
of fury; they talk nonsense。 It is false。 I remember everything。
I did not lose my consciousness for a single moment。 The more I
lashed myself to fury; the clearer my mind became; and I could
not help seeing what I did。 I cannot say that I knew in advance
what I would do; but at the moment when I acted; and it seems to
me even a little before; I knew what I was doing; as if to make
it possible to repent; and to be able to say later that I could
have stopped。
〃I knew that I struck the blow between the ribs; and that the
dagger entered。
〃At the second when I did it; I knew that I was performing a
horrible act; such as I had never performed;an act that would
have frightful consequences。 My thought was as quick as
lightning; and the deed followed immediately。 The act; to my
inner sense; had an extraordinary clearness。 I perceived the
resistance of the corset and then something else; and then the
sinking of the knife into a soft substance。 She clutched at the
dagger with her hands; and cut herself with it; but could not
restrain the blow。
〃Long afterward; in prison when the moral revolution had been
effected within me; I thought of that minute; I remembered it as
far as I could; and I co…ordinated all the sudden changes。 I
remembered the terrible consciousness which I felt;that I was
killing a wife; MY wife。
〃I well remember the horror of that consciousness and I know
vaguely that; having plunged in the dagger; I drew it out again
immediately; wishing to repair and arrest my action。 She
straightened up and cried:
〃'Nurse; he has killed me!'
〃The old nurse; who had heard the noise; was standing in the
doorway。 I was still erect; waiting; and not believing myself in
what had happened。 But at that moment; from under her corset;
the blood gushed forth。 Then only did I understand that all
reparation was impossible; and promptly I decided that it was not
even necessary; that all had happened in accordance with my wish;
and that I had fulfilled my desire。 I waited until she fell; and
until the nurse; exclaiming; 'Oh; my God!' ran to her; then only
I threw away the dagger and went out of the room。
〃'I must not be agitated。 I must be conscious of what I am
doing;' I said to myself; looking neither at her nor at the old
nurse。 The latter cried and called the maid。 I passed through
the hall; and; after having sent the maid; started for my study。
〃'What shall I do now?' I asked myself。
〃And immediately I understood what I should do。 Directly after
entering the study; I went straight to the wall; took down the
revolver; and examined it attentively。 It was loaded。 Then I
placed it on the table。 Next I picked up the sheath of the
dagger; which had dropped down behind the sofa; and then I sat
down。 I remained thus for a long time。 I thought of nothing; I
did not try to remember anything。 I heard a stifled noise of
steps; a movement of objects and of tapestries; then the arrival
of a person; and then the arrival of another person。 Then I saw
Gregor bring into my room the baggage from the railway; as if any
one needed it!
〃'Have you heard what has happened?' I asked him。 'Have you told
the dvornik to inform the police?'
〃He made no answer; and went out。 I rose; closed the door; took
the cigarettes and the matches; and began to smoke。 I had not
finished one cigarette; when a drowsy feeling came over me and
sent me into a deep sleep。 I surely slept two hours。 I remember
having dreamed that I was on good terms with her; that after a
quarrel we were in the act of making up; that something prevented
us; but that we were friends all the same。
〃A knock at the door awoke me。
〃'It is the police;' thought I; as I opened my eyes。 'I have
killed; I believe。 But perhaps it is SHE; perhaps nothing has
happened。'
〃Another knock。 I did not answer。 I was solving the question:
'Has it happened or not? Yes; it has happened。'
〃I remembered the resistance of the corset; and then。 。 。 。
'Yes; it has happened。 Yes; it has happened。 Yes; now I must
execute myself;' said I to myself。
〃I said it; but I knew well that I should not kill myself。
Nevertheless; I rose and took the revolver; but; strange thing; I
remembered that formerly I had very often had suicidal ideas;
that that very night; on the cars; it had seemed to me easy;
especially easy because I thought how it would stupefy her。 Now
I not only could not kill myself; but I could not even think of
it。
〃'Why do it?' I asked myself; without answering。
〃Another knock at the door。
〃'Yes; but I must first know who is knocking。 I have time
enough。'
〃I put the revolver back on the table; and hid it under my
newspaper。 I went to the door and drew back the bolt。
〃It was my wife's sister;a good and stupid widow。
〃'Basile; what does this mean?' said she; and her tears; always
ready; began to flow。
〃'What do you want?' I asked roughly。
〃I saw clearly that there was no necessity of being rough with
her; but I could not speak in any other tone。
〃'Basile; she is dying。 Ivan Fedorowitch says so。'
〃Ivan Fedorowitch was the doctor; HER doctor; her counsellor。
〃'Is he here?' I inquired。
〃And all my hatred of her arose anew。
〃Well; what?
〃'Basile; go to her! Ah! how terrible it is!' said she。
〃'Go to her?' I asked myself; and immediately I made answer to
myself that I ought to go; that probably that was the thing that
is usually done when a husband like myself kills his wife; that
it was absolutely necessary that I should go and see her。
〃'If that is the proper thing; I must go;' I repeated to myself。
'Yes; if it is necessary; I shall still have time;' said I to
myself; thinking of my intention of blowing my brains out。
〃And I followed my sister…in…law。 'Now there are going to be
phrases and grimaces; but I will not yield;' I declared to
myself。
〃'Wait;' said I to my sister…in…law; 'it is stupid to be without
boots。 Let me at least put on my slippers。'
CHAPTER XXVIII。
〃Strange thing! Again; when I had left my study; and was passing
through the familiar rooms; again the hope came to me that
nothing had happened。 But the odor of the drugs; iodoform and
phenic acid; brought me back to a sense of reality。
〃'No; everything has happened。'
〃In passing through the hall; beside the children's chamber; I
saw little Lise。 She was looking at me; with eyes that were full
of fear。 I even thought that all the children were looking at
me。 As I approached the door of our sleeping…room; a servant
opened it from within; and came out。 The first thing that I
noticed was HER light gray dress upon a chair; all dark with
blood。 On our common bed she was stretched; with knees drawn up。
She lay very high; upon pillows; with her chemise half open。
Linen had been placed upon the wound。 A heavy smell of iodoform
filled the room。 Before; and more than anything else; I was
astonished at her face; which was swollen and bruised under the
eyes and over a part of the nose。 This was the result of the
blow that I had struck her with my elbow; when she had tried to
hold me back。 Of beauty there was no trace left。 I saw
something hideous in her。 I stopped upon the threshold。
〃'Approach; approach her;' said her sister。
〃'Yes; probably she repents;' thought I; 'shall I forgive her?
Yes; she is dying; I must forgive her;' I added; trying to be
generous。
〃I approached the bedside。 With difficulty she raised her eyes;
one of which was swollen; and uttered these words haltingly:
〃'You have accomplished what you desired。 You have killed me。'
〃And in her face; thro