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第15章

01-the kreutzer sonata-第15章

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Troukhatchevsky; and that between them everything had happened。 

And a feeling of rage compressed my heart; and I tried to quiet

myself。



〃'How stupid!' said I to myself; 'there is no reason; none at

all。  And why humiliate ourselves; herself and myself; and

especially myself; by supposing such horrors?  This mercenary

violinist; known as a bad man;shall I think of him in

connection with a respectable woman; the mother of a family; MY

wife?  How silly!'  But on the other hand; I said to myself: 'Why

should it not happen?'



〃Why?  Was it not the same simple and intelligible feeling in the

name of which I married; in the name of which I was living with

her; the only thing I wanted of her; and that which;

consequently; others desired; this musician among the rest?  He

was not married; was in good health (I remember how his teeth

ground the gristle of the cutlets; and how eagerly he emptied the

glass of wine with his red lips); was careful of his person; well

fed;  and not only without principles; but evidently with the

principle that one should take advantage of the pleasure that

offers itself。  There was a bond between them; music;the most

refined form of sensual voluptuousness。  What was there to

restrain them?  Nothing。  Everything; on the contrary; attracted

them。  And she; she had been and had remained a mystery。 I did

not know her。  I knew her only as an animal; and an animal

nothing can or should restrain。  And now I remember their faces

on Sunday evening; when; after the 'Kreutzer Sonata;' they played

a passionate piece; written I know not by whom; but a piece

passionate to the point of obscenity。



〃'How could I have gone away?' said I to myself; as I recalled

their faces。  'Was it not clear that between them everything was

done that evening?  Was it not clear that between them not only

there were no more obstacles; but that bothespecially shefelt

a certain shame after what had happened at the piano?  How

weakly; pitiably; happily she smiled; as she wiped the

perspiration from her reddened face!  They already avoided each

other's eyes; and only at the supper; when she poured some water

for him; did they look at each other and smile imperceptibly。'



〃Now I remember with fright that look and that scarcely

perceptible smile。  'Yes; everything has happened;' a voice said

to me; and directly another said the opposite。  'Are you mad?  It

is impossible!' said the second voice。



〃It was too painful to me to remain thus stretched in the

darkness。  I struck a match; and the little yellow…papered room

frightened me。 I lighted a cigarette; and; as always happens;

when one turns in a circle of inextricable contradiction; I began

to smoke。  I smoked cigarette after cigarette to dull my senses;

that I might not see my contradictions。  All night I did not

sleep; and at five o'clock; when it was not yet light; I decided

that I could stand this strain no longer; and that I would leave

directly。  There was a train at eight o'clock。  I awakened the

keeper who was acting as my servant; and sent him to look for

horses。  To the assembly of Zemstvo I sent a message that I was

called back to Moscow by pressing business; and that I begged

them to substitute for me a member of the Committee。  At eight

o'clock I got into a tarantass and started off。



 

CHAPTER XXV。



〃I had to go twenty…five versts by carriage and eight hours by

train。  By carriage it was a very pleasant journey。  The coolness

of autumn was accompanied by a brilliant sun。  You know the

weather when the wheels imprint themselves upon the dirty road。 

The road was level; and the light strong; and the air 

strengthening。  The tarantass was comfortable。  As I looked at

the horses; the fields; and the people whom we passed; I forgot

where I was going。  Sometimes it seemed to me that I was

travelling without an object;simply promenading;and that I

should go on thus to the end of the world。  And I was happy when

I so forgot myself。  But when I remembered where I was going; I

said to myself: 'I shall see later。  Don't think about it。'



〃When half way; an incident happened to distract me still

further。  The tarantass; though new; broke down; and had to be

repaired。  The delays in looking for a telegue; the repairs; the

payment; the tea in the inn; the conversation with the dvornik;

all served to amuse me。  Toward nightfall all was ready; and I

started off again。  By night the journey was still pleasanter

than by day。  The moon in its first quarter; a slight frost; the

road still in good condition; the horses; the sprightly coachman;

all served to put me in good spirits。  I scarcely thought of what

awaited me; and was gay perhaps because of the very thing that

awaited me; and because I was about to say farewell to the joys

of life。



〃But this tranquil state; the power of conquering my

preoccupation; all ended with the carriage drive。  Scarcely had

I entered the cars; when the other thing began。  Those eight

hours on the rail were so terrible to me that I shall never

forget them in my life。  Was it because on entering the car I had

a vivid imagination of having already arrived; or because the

railway acts upon people in such an exciting fashion?  At any

rate; after boarding the train I could no longer control my

imagination; which incessantly; with extraordinary vivacity; drew

pictures before my eyes; each more cynical than its predecessor;

which kindled my jealousy。  And always the same things about what

was happening at home during my absence。  I burned with

indignation; with rage; and with a peculiar feeling which steeped

me in humiliation; as I contemplated these pictures。  And I could

not tear myself out of this condition。  I could not help looking

at them; I could not efface them; I could not keep from evoking

them。



〃The more I looked at these imaginary pictures; the more I

believed in their reality; forgetting that they had no serious

foundation。  The vivacity of these images seemed to prove to me

that my imaginations were a reality。  One would have said that a

demon; against my will; was inventing and breathing into me the

most terrible fictions。  A conversation which dated a long time

back; with the brother of Troukhatchevsky; I remembered at that

moment; in a sort of ecstasy; and it tore my heart as I connected

it with the musician and my wife。  Yes; it was very long ago。 

The brother of Troukhatchevsky; answering my questions as to

whether he frequented disreputable houses; said that a

respectable man does not go where he may contract a disease; in a

low and unclean spot; when one can find an honest woman。  And

here he; his brother; the musician; had found the honest woman。 

'It is true that she is no longer in her early youth。  She has

lost a tooth on one side; and her face is slightly bloated;'

thought I for Troukhatchevsky。  'But what is to be done?  One

must profit by what one has。'



〃'Yes; he is bound to take her for his mistress;' said I to

myself again; 'and besides; she is not dangerous。'



〃'No; it is not possible' I rejoined in fright。 'Nothing; nothing

of the kind has happened; and there is no reason to suppose there

has。  Did she not tell me that the very idea that I could be

jealous of her because of him was humiliating to her?'  'Yes; but

she lied;' I cried; and all began over again。



〃There were only two travellers in my compartment: an old woman

with her husband; neither of them very talkative; and even they

got out at one of the stations; leaving me all alone。  I was like

a beast in a cage。  Now I jumped up and approached the window;

now I began to walk back and forth; staggering as if I hoped to

make the train go faster by my efforts; and the car with its

seats and its windows trembled continually; as ours does

now。〃



And Posdnicheff rose abruptly; took a few steps; and sat down

again。



〃Oh; I am afraid; I am afraid of railway carriages。  Fear seizes

me。  I sat down again; and I said to myself: 'I must think of

something else。  For instance; of the inn keeper at whose house I

took tea。'  And then; in my imagination arose the dvornik; with

his long beard; and his grandson; a little fellow of the same age

as my little Basile。  My little Basile!  My little Basile! He

will see the musician kiss his mother!  What thoughts will pass

through his poor soul!  But what does that matter to her!  She

loves。



〃And again it all began; the circle of the same thoughts。  I

suffered so much that at last I did not know what to do with

myself; and an idea passed through my head that pleased me much;

to get out upon the rails; throw myself under the cars; and

thus finish everything。  One thing prevented me from doing so。 

It was pity!  It was pity for myself; evoking at the same time a

hatred for her; for him; but not so much for him。  Toward him I

felt a strange sentiment of my humiliation and his victory; but

toward her a terrible hatred。



〃'But I cannot kill myself and leave her free。  She must suffer;

she must understand at least that I have suffered;' said I to

myself。



〃At a station I saw people drinking at the lunch counter; and

directly I went to swallow a glass of vodki。  Beside me stood a

Jew; drinking also。  He began to talk to me; and I; in order not

to be left alone in my compartment; went with him into his

third…class; dirty; full of smoke; and covered with peelings and

sunflower seeds。  There I sat down beside the Jew; and; as it

seemed; he told many anecdotes。



〃First I listened to him; but I did not understand what he said。 

He noticed it; and exacted my attention to his person。  Then I

rose and entered my own compartment。



〃'I must consider;' said I to myself; 'whether what I think is

true; whether there is any reason to torment myself。'  I sat

down; wishing to reflect quietly; but directly; instead of the

peaceful reflections; the same thing began again。  Instead of the

reasoning; the pictures。



〃'How many times have I tormented myself in this way;' I thought

(I recalled previous and similar fits of jealousy); 'and then

seen it end in nothing at all?  It is the same now。  Perhaps;

yes; surely; I shall find her quietly sleeping。  She will awaken;

she will be glad; and in her words and looks I shall see that

nothing has happened; that all this is vain。  Ah; if it would

only so turn out!'  'But no; that has happened too often! Now the

end has come;' a voice said to me。



〃And again it all began。  Ah; what torture! It is not to a

hospital filled with syphilitic patients that I would take a

young man to deprive him of the desire for women; but into my

soul; to show him the demon which tore it。  The frightful part

was that I recognized in myself an indisputable right to the body

of my wife; as if her body were entirely mine。  And at the same

time I felt that I could not possess this body; 

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