01-the kreutzer sonata-第15章
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Troukhatchevsky; and that between them everything had happened。
And a feeling of rage compressed my heart; and I tried to quiet
myself。
〃'How stupid!' said I to myself; 'there is no reason; none at
all。 And why humiliate ourselves; herself and myself; and
especially myself; by supposing such horrors? This mercenary
violinist; known as a bad man;shall I think of him in
connection with a respectable woman; the mother of a family; MY
wife? How silly!' But on the other hand; I said to myself: 'Why
should it not happen?'
〃Why? Was it not the same simple and intelligible feeling in the
name of which I married; in the name of which I was living with
her; the only thing I wanted of her; and that which;
consequently; others desired; this musician among the rest? He
was not married; was in good health (I remember how his teeth
ground the gristle of the cutlets; and how eagerly he emptied the
glass of wine with his red lips); was careful of his person; well
fed; and not only without principles; but evidently with the
principle that one should take advantage of the pleasure that
offers itself。 There was a bond between them; music;the most
refined form of sensual voluptuousness。 What was there to
restrain them? Nothing。 Everything; on the contrary; attracted
them。 And she; she had been and had remained a mystery。 I did
not know her。 I knew her only as an animal; and an animal
nothing can or should restrain。 And now I remember their faces
on Sunday evening; when; after the 'Kreutzer Sonata;' they played
a passionate piece; written I know not by whom; but a piece
passionate to the point of obscenity。
〃'How could I have gone away?' said I to myself; as I recalled
their faces。 'Was it not clear that between them everything was
done that evening? Was it not clear that between them not only
there were no more obstacles; but that bothespecially shefelt
a certain shame after what had happened at the piano? How
weakly; pitiably; happily she smiled; as she wiped the
perspiration from her reddened face! They already avoided each
other's eyes; and only at the supper; when she poured some water
for him; did they look at each other and smile imperceptibly。'
〃Now I remember with fright that look and that scarcely
perceptible smile。 'Yes; everything has happened;' a voice said
to me; and directly another said the opposite。 'Are you mad? It
is impossible!' said the second voice。
〃It was too painful to me to remain thus stretched in the
darkness。 I struck a match; and the little yellow…papered room
frightened me。 I lighted a cigarette; and; as always happens;
when one turns in a circle of inextricable contradiction; I began
to smoke。 I smoked cigarette after cigarette to dull my senses;
that I might not see my contradictions。 All night I did not
sleep; and at five o'clock; when it was not yet light; I decided
that I could stand this strain no longer; and that I would leave
directly。 There was a train at eight o'clock。 I awakened the
keeper who was acting as my servant; and sent him to look for
horses。 To the assembly of Zemstvo I sent a message that I was
called back to Moscow by pressing business; and that I begged
them to substitute for me a member of the Committee。 At eight
o'clock I got into a tarantass and started off。
CHAPTER XXV。
〃I had to go twenty…five versts by carriage and eight hours by
train。 By carriage it was a very pleasant journey。 The coolness
of autumn was accompanied by a brilliant sun。 You know the
weather when the wheels imprint themselves upon the dirty road。
The road was level; and the light strong; and the air
strengthening。 The tarantass was comfortable。 As I looked at
the horses; the fields; and the people whom we passed; I forgot
where I was going。 Sometimes it seemed to me that I was
travelling without an object;simply promenading;and that I
should go on thus to the end of the world。 And I was happy when
I so forgot myself。 But when I remembered where I was going; I
said to myself: 'I shall see later。 Don't think about it。'
〃When half way; an incident happened to distract me still
further。 The tarantass; though new; broke down; and had to be
repaired。 The delays in looking for a telegue; the repairs; the
payment; the tea in the inn; the conversation with the dvornik;
all served to amuse me。 Toward nightfall all was ready; and I
started off again。 By night the journey was still pleasanter
than by day。 The moon in its first quarter; a slight frost; the
road still in good condition; the horses; the sprightly coachman;
all served to put me in good spirits。 I scarcely thought of what
awaited me; and was gay perhaps because of the very thing that
awaited me; and because I was about to say farewell to the joys
of life。
〃But this tranquil state; the power of conquering my
preoccupation; all ended with the carriage drive。 Scarcely had
I entered the cars; when the other thing began。 Those eight
hours on the rail were so terrible to me that I shall never
forget them in my life。 Was it because on entering the car I had
a vivid imagination of having already arrived; or because the
railway acts upon people in such an exciting fashion? At any
rate; after boarding the train I could no longer control my
imagination; which incessantly; with extraordinary vivacity; drew
pictures before my eyes; each more cynical than its predecessor;
which kindled my jealousy。 And always the same things about what
was happening at home during my absence。 I burned with
indignation; with rage; and with a peculiar feeling which steeped
me in humiliation; as I contemplated these pictures。 And I could
not tear myself out of this condition。 I could not help looking
at them; I could not efface them; I could not keep from evoking
them。
〃The more I looked at these imaginary pictures; the more I
believed in their reality; forgetting that they had no serious
foundation。 The vivacity of these images seemed to prove to me
that my imaginations were a reality。 One would have said that a
demon; against my will; was inventing and breathing into me the
most terrible fictions。 A conversation which dated a long time
back; with the brother of Troukhatchevsky; I remembered at that
moment; in a sort of ecstasy; and it tore my heart as I connected
it with the musician and my wife。 Yes; it was very long ago。
The brother of Troukhatchevsky; answering my questions as to
whether he frequented disreputable houses; said that a
respectable man does not go where he may contract a disease; in a
low and unclean spot; when one can find an honest woman。 And
here he; his brother; the musician; had found the honest woman。
'It is true that she is no longer in her early youth。 She has
lost a tooth on one side; and her face is slightly bloated;'
thought I for Troukhatchevsky。 'But what is to be done? One
must profit by what one has。'
〃'Yes; he is bound to take her for his mistress;' said I to
myself again; 'and besides; she is not dangerous。'
〃'No; it is not possible' I rejoined in fright。 'Nothing; nothing
of the kind has happened; and there is no reason to suppose there
has。 Did she not tell me that the very idea that I could be
jealous of her because of him was humiliating to her?' 'Yes; but
she lied;' I cried; and all began over again。
〃There were only two travellers in my compartment: an old woman
with her husband; neither of them very talkative; and even they
got out at one of the stations; leaving me all alone。 I was like
a beast in a cage。 Now I jumped up and approached the window;
now I began to walk back and forth; staggering as if I hoped to
make the train go faster by my efforts; and the car with its
seats and its windows trembled continually; as ours does
now。〃
And Posdnicheff rose abruptly; took a few steps; and sat down
again。
〃Oh; I am afraid; I am afraid of railway carriages。 Fear seizes
me。 I sat down again; and I said to myself: 'I must think of
something else。 For instance; of the inn keeper at whose house I
took tea。' And then; in my imagination arose the dvornik; with
his long beard; and his grandson; a little fellow of the same age
as my little Basile。 My little Basile! My little Basile! He
will see the musician kiss his mother! What thoughts will pass
through his poor soul! But what does that matter to her! She
loves。
〃And again it all began; the circle of the same thoughts。 I
suffered so much that at last I did not know what to do with
myself; and an idea passed through my head that pleased me much;
to get out upon the rails; throw myself under the cars; and
thus finish everything。 One thing prevented me from doing so。
It was pity! It was pity for myself; evoking at the same time a
hatred for her; for him; but not so much for him。 Toward him I
felt a strange sentiment of my humiliation and his victory; but
toward her a terrible hatred。
〃'But I cannot kill myself and leave her free。 She must suffer;
she must understand at least that I have suffered;' said I to
myself。
〃At a station I saw people drinking at the lunch counter; and
directly I went to swallow a glass of vodki。 Beside me stood a
Jew; drinking also。 He began to talk to me; and I; in order not
to be left alone in my compartment; went with him into his
third…class; dirty; full of smoke; and covered with peelings and
sunflower seeds。 There I sat down beside the Jew; and; as it
seemed; he told many anecdotes。
〃First I listened to him; but I did not understand what he said。
He noticed it; and exacted my attention to his person。 Then I
rose and entered my own compartment。
〃'I must consider;' said I to myself; 'whether what I think is
true; whether there is any reason to torment myself。' I sat
down; wishing to reflect quietly; but directly; instead of the
peaceful reflections; the same thing began again。 Instead of the
reasoning; the pictures。
〃'How many times have I tormented myself in this way;' I thought
(I recalled previous and similar fits of jealousy); 'and then
seen it end in nothing at all? It is the same now。 Perhaps;
yes; surely; I shall find her quietly sleeping。 She will awaken;
she will be glad; and in her words and looks I shall see that
nothing has happened; that all this is vain。 Ah; if it would
only so turn out!' 'But no; that has happened too often! Now the
end has come;' a voice said to me。
〃And again it all began。 Ah; what torture! It is not to a
hospital filled with syphilitic patients that I would take a
young man to deprive him of the desire for women; but into my
soul; to show him the demon which tore it。 The frightful part
was that I recognized in myself an indisputable right to the body
of my wife; as if her body were entirely mine。 And at the same
time I felt that I could not possess this body;