the lifted veil-第7章

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rags。

We　were　married　eighteen　months　after　Alfred's　death；　one　cold；
clear　morning　in　April；　when　there　came　hail　and　sunshine　both
together；　and　Bertha；　in　her　white　silk　and　pale…green　leaves；　and
the　pale　hues　of　her　hair　and　face；　looked　like　the　spirit　of　the
morning。　　My　father　was　happier　than　he　had　thought　of　being　again：
my　marriage；　he　felt　sure；　would　complete　the　desirable
modification　of　my　character；　and　make　me　practical　and　worldly
enough　to　take　my　place　in　society　among　sane　men。　　For　he
delighted　in　Bertha's　tact　and　acuteness；　and　felt　sure　she　would
be　mistress　of　me；　and　make　me　what　she　chose：　　I　was　only　twenty…
one；　and　madly　in　love　with　her。　　Poor　father！　　He　kept　that　hope　a
little　while　after　our　first　year　of　marriage；　and　it　was　not　quite
extinct　when　paralysis　came　and　saved　him　from　utter
disappointment。

I　shall　hurry　through　the　rest　of　my　story；　not　dwelling　so　much　as
I　have　hitherto　done　on　my　inward　experience。　　When　people　are　well
known　to　each　other；　they　talk　rather　of　what　befalls　them
externally；　leaving　their　feelings　and　sentiments　to　be　inferred。

We　lived　in　a　round　of　visits　for　some　time　after　our　return　home；
giving　splendid　dinner…parties；　and　making　a　sensation　in　our
neighbourhood　by　the　new　lustre　of　our　equipage；　for　my　father　had
reserved　this　display　of　his　increased　wealth　for　the　period　of　his
son's　marriage；　and　we　gave　our　acquaintances　liberal　opportunity
for　remarking　that　it　was　a　pity　I　made　so　poor　a　figure　as　an　heir
and　a　bridegroom。　　The　nervous　fatigue　of　this　existence；　the
insincerities　and　platitudes　which　I　had　to　live　through　twice
overthrough　my　inner　and　outward　sensewould　have　been　maddening
to　me；　if　I　had　not　had　that　sort　of　intoxicated　callousness　which
came　from　the　delights　of　a　first　passion。　　A　bride　and　bridegroom；
surrounded　by　all　the　appliances　of　wealth；　hurried　through　the　day
by　the　whirl　of　society；　filling　their　solitary　moments　with
hastily…snatched　caresses；　are　prepared　for　their　future　life
together　as　the　novice　is　prepared　for　the　cloisterby
experiencing　its　utmost　contrast。

Through　all　these　crowded　excited　months；　Bertha's　inward　self
remained　shrouded　from　me；　and　I　still　read　her　thoughts　only
through　the　language　of　her　lips　and　demeanour：　　I　had　still　the
human　interest　of　wondering　whether　what　I　did　and　said　pleased
her；　of　longing　to　hear　a　word　of　affection；　of　giving　a　delicious
exaggeration　of　meaning　to　her　smile。　　But　I　was　conscious　of　a
growing　difference　in　her　manner　towards　me；　sometimes　strong
enough　to　be　called　haughty　coldness；　cutting　and　chilling　me　as
the　hail　had　done　that　came　across　the　sunshine　on　our　marriage
morning；　sometimes　only　perceptible　in　the　dexterous　avoidance　of　a
tete…a…tete　walk　or　dinner　to　which　I　had　been　looking　forward。　　I
had　been　deeply　pained　by　thishad　even　felt　a　sort　of　crushing　of
the　heart；　from　the　sense　that　my　brief　day　of　happiness　was　near
its　setting；　but　still　I　remained　dependent　on　Bertha；　eager　for
the　last　rays　of　a　bliss　that　would　soon　be　gone　for　ever；　hoping
and　watching　for　some　after…glow　more　beautiful　from　the　impending
night。

I　rememberhow　should　I　not　remember？the　time　when　that
dependence　and　hope　utterly　left　me；　when　the　sadness　I　had　felt　in
Bertha's　growing　estrangement　became　a　joy　that　I　looked　back　upon
with　longing　as　a　man　might　look　back　on　the　last　pains　in　a
paralysed　limb。　　It　was　just　after　the　close　of　my　father's　last
illness；　which　had　necessarily　withdrawn　us　from　society　and　thrown
us　more　on　each　other。　　It　was　the　evening　of　father's　death。　　On
that　evening　the　veil　which　had　shrouded　Bertha's　soul　from　mehad
made　me　find　in　her　alone　among　my　fellow…beings　the　blessed
possibility　of　mystery；　and　doubt；　and　expectationwas　first
withdrawn。　　Perhaps　it　was　the　first　day　since　the　beginning　of　my
passion　for　her；　in　which　that　passion　was　completely　neutralized
by　the　presence　of　an　absorbing　feeling　of　another　kind。　　I　had
been　watching　by　my　father's　deathbed：　　I　had　been　witnessing　the
last　fitful　yearning　glance　his　soul　had　cast　back　on　the　spent
inheritance　of　lifethe　last　faint　consciousness　of　love　he　had
gathered　from　the　pressure　of　my　hand。　　What　are　all　our　personal
loves　when　we　have　been　sharing　in　that　supreme　agony？　　In　the
first　moments　when　we　come　away　from　the　presence　of　death；　every
other　relation　to　the　living　is　merged；　to　our　feeling；　in　the
great　relation　of　a　common　nature　and　a　common　destiny。

In　that　state　of　mind　I　joined　Bertha　in　her　private　sitting…room。
She　was　seated　in　a　leaning　posture　on　a　settee；　with　her　back
towards　the　door；　the　great　rich　coils　of　her　pale　blond　hair
surmounting　her　small　neck；　visible　above　the　back　of　the　settee。
I　remember；　as　I　closed　the　door　behind　me；　a　cold　tremulousness
seizing　me；　and　a　vague　sense　of　being　hated　and　lonelyvague　and
strong；　like　a　presentiment。　　I　know　how　I　looked　at　that　moment；
for　I　saw　myself　in　Bertha's　thought　as　she　lifted　her　cutting　grey
eyes；　and　looked　at　me：　　a　miserable　ghost…seer；　surrounded　by
phantoms　in　the　noonday；　trembling　under　a　breeze　when　the　leaves
were　still；　without　appetite　for　the　common　objects　of　human
desires；　but　pining　after　the　moon…beams。　　We　were　front　to　front
with　each　other；　and　judged　each　other。　　The　terrible　moment　of
complete　illumination　had　come　to　me；　and　I　saw　that　the　darkness
had　hidden　no　landscape　from　me；　but　only　a　blank　prosaic　wall：
from　that　evening　forth；　through　the　sickening　years　which
followed；　I　saw　all　round　the　narrow　room　of　this　woman's　soulsaw
petty　artifice　and　mere　negation　where　I　had　delighted　to　believe
in　coy　sensibilities　and　in　wit　at　war　with　latent　feelingsaw　the
light　floating　vanities　of　the　girl　defining　themselves　into　the
systematic　coquetry；　the　scheming　selfishness；　of　the　womansaw
repulsion　and　antipathy　harden　into　cruel　hatred；　giving　pain　only
for　the　sake　of　wreaking　itself。

For　Bertha　too；　after　her　kind；　felt　the　bitterness　of　disillusion。
She　had　believed　that　my　wild　poet's　passion　for　her　would　make　me
her　slave；　and　that；　being　her　slave；　I　should　execute　her　will　in
all　things。　　With　the　essential　shallowness　of　a　negative；
unimaginative　nature；　she　was　unable　to　conceive　the　fact　that
sensibilities　were　anything　else　than　weaknesses。　　She　had　thought
my　weaknesses　would　put　me　in　her　power；　and　she　found　them
unmanageable　forces。　　Our　positions　were　reversed。　　Before　marriage
she　had　completely　mastered　my　imagination；　for　she　was　a　secret　to
me；　and　I　created　the　unknown　thought　before　which　I　trembled　as　if
it　were　hers。　　But　now　that　her　soul　was　laid　open　to　me；　now　that
I　was　compelled　to　share　the　privacy　of　her　motives；　to　follow　all
the　petty　devices　that　preceded　her　words　and　acts；　she　found
herself　powerless　with　me；　except　to　produce　in　me　the　chill
shudder　of　repulsionpowerless；　because　I　could　be　acted　on　by　no
lever　within　her　reach。　　I　was　dead　to　worldly　ambitions；　to　social
vanities；　to　all　the　incentives　within　the　compass　of　her　narrow
imagination；　and　I　lived　under　influences　utterly　invisible　to　her。

She　was　really　pitiable　to　have　such　a　husband；　and　so　all　the
world　thought。　　A　graceful；　brilliant　woman；　like　Bertha；　who
smiled　on　morning　callers；　made　a　figure　in　ball…rooms；　and　was
capable　of　that　light　repartee　which；　from　such　a　woman；　is
accepted　as　wit；　was　secure　of　carrying　off　all　sympathy　from　a
husband　who　was　sickly；　abstracted；　and；　as　some　suspected；　crack…
brained。　　Even　the　servants　in　our　house　gave　her　the　balance　of
their　regard　and　pity。　　For　there　were　no　audible　quarrels　between
us；　our　alienation；　our　repulsion　from　each　other；　lay　within　the
silence　of　our　own　hearts；　and　if　the　mistress　went　out　a　great
deal；　and　seemed　to　dislike　the　master's　society；　was　it　not
natural；　poor　thing？　　The　master　was　odd。　　I　was　kind　and　just　to
my　dependants；　but　I　excited　in　them　a　shrinking；　half…contemptuous
pity；　for　this　class　of　men　and　women　are　but　slightly　determined
in　their　estimate　of　others　by　general　considerations；　or　even
experience；　of　character。　　They　judge　of　persons　as　they　judge　of
coins；　and　value　those　who　pass　current　at　a　high　rate。

After　a　time　I　interfered　so　little　with　Bertha's　habits　that　it
might　seem　wonderful　how　her　hatred　towards　me　could　grow　so
intense　and　active　as　it　did。　　But　she　had　begun　to　suspect；　by
some　involuntary　betrayal　of　mine；　that　there　was　an　abnormal　power
of　penetration　in　methat　fitfully；　at　least；　I　was　strangely
cognizant　of　her　thoughts　and　intentions；　and　she　began　to　be
haunted　by　a　terror　of　me；　which　alternated　every　now　and　then　with
defiance。　　She　meditated　continually　how　the　incubus　could　be
shaken　off　her　lifehow　she　could　be　freed　from　this　hateful　bond
to　a　being　whom　she　at　once　despised　as　an　imbecile；　and　dreaded　as
an　inquisitor。　　For　a　long　while　she　lived　in　the　hope　that　my
evident　wretchedness　would　drive　me　to　the　commission　of　suicide；
but　suicide　was　not　in　my　nature。　　I　was　too　completely　swayed　by
the　sense　that　I　was　in　the　grasp　of　unknown　forces；　to　believe　in
my　power　of　self…release。　　Towards　my　own　destiny　I　had　become
entirely　passive；　for　my　one　ardent　desire　had　spent　itself；　and
impulse　no　longer　predominated　over　knowledge。　　For　this　reason　I
never　thought　of　taking　any　steps　towards　a　complete　separation；
which　would　have　made　our　alienation　evident　to　the　world。　　Why
should　I　rush　for　help　to　a　new　course；　when　I　was　only　suffering
from　the　consequences　of　a　deed　which　had　been　the　act　of　my
intensest　will？　　That　would　have　been　the　logic　of　one　who　had
desires　to　gratify；　and　I　had　no　desires。　　But　Bertha　and　I　lived
more　and　more　aloof　from　each　other。　　The　rich　find　it　easy　to　live
married　and　apart。

That　course　of　our　life　which　I　have　indicated　in　a　few　sentences
filled　the　space　of　years。　　So　much　miseryso　slow　and　hideous　a
growth　of　hatred　and　sin；　may　be　compressed　into　a　sentence！　　And
men　judge　of　each　other's　lives　through　this　summary　medium。　　They
epitomize　the　experience　of　their　fellow…mortal；　and　pronounce
judgment　on　him　in　neat　syntax；　and　feel　themselves　wise　and
virtuousconquerors　over　the　temptations　they　define　in　well…
selected　predicates。　　Seven　years　of　wretchedness　glide　glibly　over
the　lips　of　the　man　who　has　never　counted　them　out　in　moments　of
chill　disappointment；　of　head　and　heart　throbbings；　of　dread　and
vain　wrestling；　of　remorse　and　despair。　　We　learn　WORDS　by　rote；
but　not　their　meaning；　THAT　must　be　paid　for　with　our　life…blood；
and　printed　in　the　subtle　fibres　of　our　nerves。

But　I　will　hasten　to　finish　my　story。　　Brevity　is　justified　at　once
to　those　who　readily　understand；　and　to　those　who　will　never
understand。

Some　years　after　my　father's　death；　I　was　sitting　by　the　dim
firelight　in　my　library　one　January　eveningsitting　in　the　leather
chair　that　used　to　be　my　father'swhen　Bertha　appeared　at　the
door；　with　a　candle　in　her　hand；　and　advanced　towards　me。　　I　knew
the　ball…dress　she　had　onthe　white　ball…dress；　with　the　green
jewels；　shone　upon　by　the　light　of　the　wax　candle　which　lit　up　the
medallion　of　the