the lifted veil-第1章

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The　Lifted　Veil

by　George　Eliot　＇Mary　Anne　Evans＇





CHAPTER　I



The　time　of　my　end　approaches。　　I　have　lately　been　subject　to
attacks　of　angina　pectoris；　and　in　the　ordinary　course　of　things；
my　physician　tells　me；　I　may　fairly　hope　that　my　life　will　not　be
protracted　many　months。　　Unless；　then；　I　am　cursed　with　an
exceptional　physical　constitution；　as　I　am　cursed　with　an
exceptional　mental　character；　I　shall　not　much　longer　groan　under
the　wearisome　burthen　of　this　earthly　existence。　　If　it　were　to　be
otherwiseif　I　were　to　live　on　to　the　age　most　men　desire　and
provide　forI　should　for　once　have　known　whether　the　miseries　of
delusive　expectation　can　outweigh　the　miseries　of　true　provision。
For　I　foresee　when　I　shall　die；　and　everything　that　will　happen　in
my　last　moments。

Just　a　month　from　this　day；　on　September　20；　1850；　I　shall　be
sitting　in　this　chair；　in　this　study；　at　ten　o'clock　at　night；
longing　to　die；　weary　of　incessant　insight　and　foresight；　without
delusions　and　without　hope。　　Just　as　I　am　watching　a　tongue　of　blue
flame　rising　in　the　fire；　and　my　lamp　is　burning　low；　the　horrible
contraction　will　begin　at　my　chest。　　I　shall　only　have　time　to
reach　the　bell；　and　pull　it　violently；　before　the　sense　of
suffocation　will　come。　　No　one　will　answer　my　bell。　　I　know　why。
My　two　servants　are　lovers；　and　will　have　quarrelled。　　My
housekeeper　will　have　rushed　out　of　the　house　in　a　fury；　two　hours
before；　hoping　that　Perry　will　believe　she　has　gone　to　drown
herself。　　Perry　is　alarmed　at　last；　and　is　gone　out　after　her。　　The
little　scullery…maid　is　asleep　on　a　bench：　　she　never　answers　the
bell；　it　does　not　wake　her。　　The　sense　of　suffocation　increases：
my　lamp　goes　out　with　a　horrible　stench：　　I　make　a　great　effort；
and　snatch　at　the　bell　again。　　I　long　for　life；　and　there　is　no
help。　　I　thirsted　for　the　unknown：　　the　thirst　is　gone。　　O　God；　let
me　stay　with　the　known；　and　be　weary　of　it：　　I　am　content。　　Agony
of　pain　and　suffocationand　all　the　while　the　earth；　the　fields；
the　pebbly　brook　at　the　bottom　of　the　rookery；　the　fresh　scent
after　the　rain；　the　light　of　the　morning　through　my　chamber…window；
the　warmth　of　the　hearth　after　the　frosty　airwill　darkness　close
over　them　for　ever？

Darknessdarknessno　painnothing　but　darkness：　　but　I　am
passing　on　and　on　through　the　darkness：　　my　thought　stays　in　the
darkness；　but　always　with　a　sense　of　moving　onward　。　。　。

Before　that　time　comes；　I　wish　to　use　my　last　hours　of　ease　and
strength　in　telling　the　strange　story　of　my　experience。　　I　have
never　fully　unbosomed　myself　to　any　human　being；　I　have　never　been
encouraged　to　trust　much　in　the　sympathy　of　my　fellow…men。　　But　we
have　all　a　chance　of　meeting　with　some　pity；　some　tenderness；　some
charity；　when　we　are　dead：　　it　is　the　living　only　who　cannot　be
forgiventhe　living　only　from　whom　men's　indulgence　and　reverence
are　held　off；　like　the　rain　by　the　hard　east　wind。　　While　the　heart
beats；　bruise　itit　is　your　only　opportunity；　while　the　eye　can
still　turn　towards　you　with　moist；　timid　entreaty；　freeze　it　with
an　icy　unanswering　gaze；　while　the　ear；　that　delicate　messenger　to
the　inmost　sanctuary　of　the　soul；　can　still　take　in　the　tones　of
kindness；　put　it　off　with　hard　civility；　or　sneering　compliment；　or
envious　affectation　of　indifference；　while　the　creative　brain　can
still　throb　with　the　sense　of　injustice；　with　the　yearning　for
brotherly　recognitionmake　hasteoppress　it　with　your　ill…
considered　judgements；　your　trivial　comparisons；　your　careless
misrepresentations。　　The　heart　will　by　and　by　be　still〃ubi　saeva
indignatio　ulterius　cor　lacerare　nequit〃；　the　eye　will　cease　to
entreat；　the　ear　will　be　deaf；　the　brain　will　have　ceased　from　all
wants　as　well　as　from　all　work。　　Then　your　charitable　speeches　may
find　vent；　then　you　may　remember　and　pity　the　toil　and　the　struggle
and　the　failure；　then　you　may　give　due　honour　to　the　work　achieved；
then　you　may　find　extenuation　for　errors；　and　may　consent　to　bury
them。

That　is　a　trivial　schoolboy　text；　why　do　I　dwell　on　it？　　It　has
little　reference　to　me；　for　I　shall　leave　no　works　behind　me　for
men　to　honour。　　I　have　no　near　relatives　who　will　make　up；　by
weeping　over　my　grave；　for　the　wounds　they　inflicted　on　me　when　I
was　among　them。　　It　is　only　the　story　of　my　life　that　will　perhaps
win　a　little　more　sympathy　from　strangers　when　I　am　dead；　than　I
ever　believed　it　would　obtain　from　my　friends　while　I　was　living。

My　childhood　perhaps　seems　happier　to　me　than　it　really　was；　by
contrast　with　all　the　after…years。　　For　then　the　curtain　of　the
future　was　as　impenetrable　to　me　as　to　other　children：　　I　had　all
their　delight　in　the　present　hour；　their　sweet　indefinite　hopes　for
the　morrow；　and　I　had　a　tender　mother：　　even　now；　after　the　dreary
lapse　of　long　years；　a　slight　trace　of　sensation　accompanies　the
remembrance　of　her　caress　as　she　held　me　on　her　kneeher　arms
round　my　little　body；　her　cheek　pressed　on　mine。　　I　had　a　complaint
of　the　eyes　that　made　me　blind　for　a　little　while；　and　she　kept　me
on　her　knee　from　morning　till　night。　　That　unequalled　love　soon
vanished　out　of　my　life；　and　even　to　my　childish　consciousness　it
was　as　if　that　life　had　become　more　chill　I　rode　my　little　white
pony　with　the　groom　by　my　side　as　before；　but　there　were　no　loving
eyes　looking　at　me　as　I　mounted；　no　glad　arms　opened　to　me　when　I
came　back。　　Perhaps　I　missed　my　mother's　love　more　than　most
children　of　seven　or　eight　would　have　done；　to　whom　the　other
pleasures　of　life　remained　as　before；　for　I　was　certainly　a　very
sensitive　child。　　I　remember　still　the　mingled　trepidation　and
delicious　excitement　with　which　I　was　affected　by　the　tramping　of
the　horses　on　the　pavement　in　the　echoing　stables；　by　the　loud
resonance　of　the　groom's　voices；　by　the　booming　bark　of　the　dogs　as
my　father's　carriage　thundered　under　the　archway　of　the　courtyard；
by　the　din　of　the　gong　as　it　gave　notice　of　luncheon　and　dinner。
The　measured　tramp　of　soldiery　which　I　sometimes　heardfor　my
father's　house　lay　near　a　county　town　where　there　were　large
barracksmade　me　sob　and　tremble；　and　yet　when　they　were　gone
past；　I　longed　for　them　to　come　back　again。

I　fancy　my　father　thought　me　an　odd　child；　and　had　little　fondness
for　me；　though　he　was　very　careful　in　fulfilling　what　he　regarded
as　a　parent's　duties。　　But　he　was　already　past　the　middle　of　life；
and　I　was　not　his　only　son。　　My　mother　had　been　his　second　wife；
and　he　was　five…and…forty　when　he　married　her。　　He　was　a　firm；
unbending；　intensely　orderly　man；　in　root　and　stem　a　banker；　but
with　a　flourishing　graft　of　the　active　landholder；　aspiring　to
county　influence：　　one　of　those　people　who　are　always　like
themselves　from　day　to　day；　who　are　uninfluenced　by　the　weather；
and　neither　know　melancholy　nor　high　spirits。　　I　held　him　in　great
awe；　and　appeared　more　timid　and　sensitive　in　his　presence　than　at
other　times；　a　circumstance　which；　perhaps；　helped　to　confirm　him
in　the　intention　to　educate　me　on　a　different　plan　from　the
prescriptive　one　with　which　he　had　complied　in　the　case　of　my　elder
brother；　already　a　tall　youth　at　Eton。　　My　brother　was　to　be　his
representative　and　successor；　he　must　go　to　Eton　and　Oxford；　for
the　sake　of　making　connexions；　of　course：　　my　father　was　not　a　man
to　underrate　the　bearing　of　Latin　satirists　or　Greek　dramatists　on
the　attainment　of　an　aristocratic　position。　　But；　intrinsically；　he
had　slight　esteem　for　〃those　dead　but　sceptred　spirits〃；　having
qualified　himself　for　forming　an　independent　opinion　by　reading
Potter's　AEschylus；　and　dipping　into　Francis's　Horace。　　To　this
negative　view　he　added　a　positive　one；　derived　from　a　recent
connexion　with　mining　speculations；　namely；　that　a　scientific
education　was　the　really　useful　training　for　a　younger　son。
Moreover；　it　was　clear　that　a　shy；　sensitive　boy　like　me　was　not
fit　to　encounter　the　rough　experience　of　a　public　school。　　Mr。
Letherall　had　said　so　very　decidedly。　　Mr。　Letherall　was　a　large
man　in　spectacles；　who　one　day　took　my　small　head　between　his　large
hands；　and　pressed　it　here　and　there　in　an　exploratory；　auspicious
mannerthen　placed　each　of　his　great　thumbs　on　my　temples；　and
pushed　me　a　little　way　from　him；　and　stared　at　me　with　glittering
spectacles。　　The　contemplation　appeared　to　displease　him；　for　he
frowned　sternly；　and　said　to　my　father；　drawing　his　thumbs　across
my　eyebrows　…

〃The　deficiency　is　there；　sirthere；　and　here；〃　he　added；　touching
the　upper　sides　of　my　head；　〃here　is　the　excess。　　That　must　be
brought　out；　sir；　and　this　must　be　laid　to　sleep。〃

I　was　in　a　state　of　tremor；　partly　at　the　vague　idea　that　I　was　the
object　of　reprobation；　partly　in　the　agitation　of　my　first　hatred
hatred　of　this　big；　spectacled　man；　who　pulled　my　head　about　as　if
he　wanted　to　buy　and　cheapen　it。

I　am　not　aware　how　much　Mr。　Letherall　had　to　do　with　the　system
afterwards　adopted　towards　me；　but　it　was　presently　clear　that
private　tutors；　natural　history；　science；　and　the　modern　languages；
were　the　appliances　by　which　the　defects　of　my　organization　were　to
be　remedied。　　I　was　very　stupid　about　machines；　so　I　was　to　be
greatly　occupied　with　them；　I　had　no　memory　for　classification；　so
it　was　particularly　necessary　that　I　should　study　systematic
zoology　and　botany；　I　was　hungry　for　human　deeds　and　humane
motions；　so　I　was　to　be　plentifully　crammed　with　the　mechanical
powers；　the　elementary　bodies；　and　the　phenomena　of　electricity　and
magnetism。　　A　better…constituted　boy　would　certainly　have　profited
under　my　intelligent　tutors；　with　their　scientific　apparatus；　and
would；　doubtless；　have　found　the　phenomena　of　electricity　and
magnetism　as　fascinating　as　I　was；　every　Thursday；　assured　they
were。　　As　it　was；　I　could　have　paired　off；　for　ignorance　of
whatever　was　taught　me；　with　the　worst　Latin　scholar　that　was　ever
turned　out　of　a　classical　academy。　　I　read　Plutarch；　and
Shakespeare；　and　Don　Quixote　by　the　sly；　and　supplied　myself　in
that　way　with　wandering　thoughts；　while　my　tutor　was　assuring　me
that　〃an　improved　man；　as　distinguished　from　an　ignorant　one；　was　a
man　who　knew　the　reason　why　water　ran　downhill。〃　　I　had　no　desire
to　be　this　improved　man；　I　was　glad　of　the　running　water；　I　could
watch　it　and　listen　to　it　gurgling　among　the　pebbles；　and　bathing
the　bright　green　water…plants；　by　the　hour　together。　　I　did　not
want　to　know　WHY　it　ran；　I　had　perfect　confidence　that　there　were
good　reasons　for　what　was　so　very　beautiful。

There　is　no　need　to　dwell　on　this　part　of　my　life。　　I　have　said
enough　to　indicate　that　my　nature　was　of　the　sensitive；　unpractical
order；　and　that　it　grew　up　in　an　uncongenial　medium；　which　could
never　foster　it　into　happy；　healthy　development。　　When　I　was
sixteen　I　was　sent　to　Geneva　to　complete　my　course　of　education；
and　the　change　was　a　very　happy　one　to　me；　for　the　first　sight　of
the　Alps；　with　the　setting　sun　on　them；　as　we　descended　the　Jura；
seemed　to　me　like　an　entrance　into　heaven；　and　the　three　years　of
my　life　there　were　spent　in　a　perpetual　sense　of　exaltation；　as　if
from　a　draught　of　delicious　wine；　at　the　presence　of　Nature　in　all
her　awful　loveliness。　　You　will　think；　perhaps；