crime and punishment(罪与罚)-第116章
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him。 Her terror infected him。 The same fear showed itself on his face。
In the same way he stared at her and almost with the same childish
smile。
〃Have you guessed？〃 he whispered at last。
〃Good God！〃 broke in an awful wail from her bosom。
She sank helplessly on the bed with her face in the pillows； but a
moment later she got up； moved quickly to him； seized both his hands
and； gripping them tight in her thin fingers； began looking into his
face again with the same intent stare。 In this last desperate look she
tried to look into him and catch some last hope。 But there was no
hope； there was no doubt remaining； it was all true！ Later on； indeed；
when she recalled that moment； she thought it strange and wondered why
she had seen at once that there was no doubt。 She could not have said；
for instance； that she had foreseen something of the sort… and yet
now； as soon as he told her； she suddenly fancied that she had
really foreseen this very thing。
〃Stop； Sonia； enough！ don't torture me；〃 he begged her miserably。
It was not at all； not at all like this he had thought of telling
her； but this is how it happened。
She jumped up； seeming not to know what she was doing； and； wringing
her hands； walked into the middle of the room； but； quickly went
back and sat down again beside him； her shoulder almost touching
his。 All of a sudden she started as though she had been stabbed；
uttered a cry and fell on her knees before him； she did not know why。
〃What have you done… what have you done to yourself！〃 she said in
despair； and； jumping up； she flung herself on his neck； threw her
arms round him； and held him tight。
Raskolnikov drew back and looked at her with a mournful smile。
〃You are a strange girl； Sonia… you kiss me and hug me when I tell
you about that。。。。 You don't think what you are doing。〃
〃There is no one… no one in the whole world now so unhappy as
you！〃 she cried in a frenzy； not hearing what he said； and she
suddenly broke into violent hysterical weeping。
A feeling long unfamiliar to him flooded his heart and softened it
at once。 He did not struggle against it。 Two tears started into his
eyes and hung on his eyelashes。
〃Then you won't leave me； Sonia？〃 he said； looking at her almost
with hope。
〃No； no； never； nowhere！〃 cried Sonia。 〃I will follow you； I will
follow you everywhere。 Oh； my God！ Oh； how miserable I am！。。。 Why； why
didn't I know you before！ Why didn't you come before？ Oh； dear！〃
〃Here I have come。〃
〃Yes； now！ What's to be done now！。。。 Together； together！〃 she
repeated as it were unconsciously； and she hugged him again。 〃I'll
follow you to Siberia！〃
He recoiled at this； and the same hostile； almost haughty smile came
to his lips。
〃Perhaps I don't want to go to Siberia yet； Sonia；〃 he said。
Sonia looked at him quickly。
Again after her first passionate； agonising sympathy for the unhappy
man the terrible idea of the murder overwhelmed her。 In his changed
tone she seemed to hear the murderer speaking。 She looked at him
bewildered。 She knew nothing as yet； why； how； with what object it had
been。 Now all these questions rushed at once into her mind。 And
again she could not believe it： 〃He； he is a murderer！ Could it be
true？〃
〃What's the meaning of it？ Where am I？〃 she said in complete
bewilderment； as though still unable to recover herself。 〃How could
you； you； a man like you。。。。 How could you bring yourself to it？。。。
What does it mean？〃
〃Oh； well… to plunder。 Leave off； Sonia；〃 he answered wearily；
almost with vexation。
Sonia stood as though struck dumb； but suddenly she cried：
〃You were hungry！ It was。。。 to help your mother？ Yes？〃
〃No； Sonia； no；〃 he muttered； turning away and hanging his head。
〃I was not so hungry。。。。 I certainly did want to help my mother；
but。。。 that's not the real thing either。。。。 Don't torture me； Sonia。〃
Sonia clasped her hands。
〃Could it； could it all be true？ Good God； what a truth！ Who could
believe it？ And how could you give away your last farthing and yet rob
and murder！ Ah；〃 she cried suddenly； 〃that money you gave Katerina
Ivanovna。。。 that money。。。。 Can that money。。。〃
〃No； Sonia；〃 he broke in hurriedly； 〃that money was not it。 Don't
worry yourself！ That money my mother sent me and it came when I was
ill； the day I gave it to you。。。。 Razumihin saw it。。。 he received it
for me。。。。 That money was mine… my own。〃
Sonia listened to him in bewilderment and did her utmost to
comprehend。
〃And that money。。。。 I don't even know really whether there was any
money；〃 he added softly； as though reflecting。 〃I took a purse off her
neck； made of chamois leather。。。 a purse stuffed full of
something。。。 but I didn't look in it； I suppose I hadn't time。。。。
And the things… chains and trinkets… I buried under a stone with the
purse next morning in a yard off the V__ Prospect。 They are all
there now。。。。。〃
Sonia strained every nerve to listen。
〃Then why。。。 why； you said you did it to rob； but you took nothing？〃
she asked quickly； catching at a straw。
〃I don't know。。。。 I haven't yet decided whether to take that money
or not；〃 he said； musing again； and； seeming to wake up with a
start； he gave a brief ironical smile。 〃Ach； what silly stuff I am
talking； eh？〃
The thought flashed through Sonia's mind； wasn't he mad？ But she
dismissed it at once。 〃No； it was something else。〃 She could make
nothing of it； nothing。
〃Do you know； Sonia；〃 he said suddenly with conviction； 〃let me tell
you： if I'd simply killed because I was hungry；〃 laying stress on
every word and looking enigmatically but sincerely at her； 〃I should
be happy now。 You must believe that！ What would it matter to you；〃
he cried a moment later with a sort of despair； 〃what would it
matter to you if I were to confess that I did wrong！ What do you
gain by such a stupid triumph over me？ Ah； Sonia； was it for that I've
come to you to…day？〃
Again Sonia tried to say something； but did not speak。
〃I asked you to go with me yesterday because you are all I have
left。〃
〃Go where？〃 asked Sonia timidly。
〃Not to steal and not to murder； don't be anxious；〃 he smiled
bitterly。 〃We are so different。。。。 And you know； Sonia； it's only now；
only this moment that I understand where I asked you to go with me
yesterday！ Yesterday when I said it I did not know where。 I asked
you for one thing； I came to you for one thing… not to leave me。 You
won't leave me； Sonia？〃
She squeezed his hand。
〃And why； why did I tell her？ Why did I let her know？〃 he cried a
minute later in despair； looking with infinite anguish at her。 〃Here
you expect an explanation from me； Sonia； you are sitting and
waiting for it； I see that。 But what can I tell you？ You won't
understand and will only suffer misery。。。 on my account！ Well； you are
crying and embracing me again。 Why do you do it？ Because I couldn't
bear my burden and have come to throw it on another： you suffer too；
and I shall feel better！ And can you love such a mean wretch？〃
〃But aren't you suffering； too？〃 cried Sonia。
Again a wave of the same feeling surged into his heart； and again
for an instant softened it。
〃Sonia； I have a bad heart； take note of that。 It may explain a
great deal。 I have come because I am bad。 There are men who wouldn't
have come。 But I am a coward and。。。 a mean wretch。 But。。。 never
mind！ That's not the point。 I must speak now； but I don't know how
to begin。〃
He paused and sank into thought。
〃Ach； we are so different；〃 he cried again； 〃we are not alike。 And
why； why did I come？ I shall never forgive myself that。〃
〃No； no； it was a good thing you came；〃 cried Sonia。 〃It's better
I should know； far better！〃
He looked at her with anguish。
〃What if it were really that？〃 he said； as though reaching a
conclusion。 〃Yes； that's what it was！ I wanted to become a Napoleon；
that is why I killed her。。。。 Do you understand now？〃
〃N…no；〃 Sonia whispered naively and timidly。 〃Only speak； speak； I
shall understand； I shall understand in myself！〃 she kept begging him。
〃You'll understand？ Very well； we shall see！〃 He paused and was
for some time lost in meditation。
〃It was like this： I asked myself one day this question… what if
Napoleon； for instance； had happened to be in my place； and if he
had not had Toulon nor Egypt nor the passage of Mont B
