five tales-第46章
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ral shrinking； sooner than give him pain！ The lessons must continue； for if they did； he was secure。 And lighting his cigar at last； he began trying to shape out how to put it to them all； and explain this strange intimacy； how to veil and wrap it away from the naked truth that he could not bear to be deprived of the sight of beauty。 Ah！ Holly！ Holly was fond of her； Holly liked her lessons。 She would save himhis little sweet！ And with that happy thought he became serene； and wondered what he had been worrying about so fearfully。 He must not worry； it left him always curiously weak； and as if but half present in his own body。
That evening after dinner he had a return of the dizziness； though he did not faint。 He would not ring the bell； because he knew it would mean a fuss； and make his going up on the morrow more conspicuous。 When one grew old； the whole world was in conspiracy to limit freedom； and for what reason？just to keep the breath in him a little longer。 He did not want it at such cost。 Only the dog Balthasar saw his lonely recovery from that weakness； anxiously watched his master go to the sideboard and drink some brandy； instead of giving him a biscuit。 When at last old Jolyon felt able to tackle the stairs he went up to bed。 And； though still shaky next morning； the thought of the evening sustained and strengthened him。 It was always such a pleasure to give her a good dinnerhe suspected her of undereating when she was alone； and； at the opera to watch her eyes glow and brighten； the unconscious smiling of her lips。 She hadn't much pleasure； and this was the last time he would be able to give her that treat。 But when he was packing his bag he caught himself wishing that he had not the fatigue of dressing for dinner before him； and the exertion； too； of telling her about June's return。
The opera that evening was 'Carmen；' and he chose the last entr'acte to break the news； instinctively putting it off till the latest moment。
She took it quietly； queerly； in fact； he did not know how she had taken it before the wayward music lifted up again and silence became necessary。 The mask was down over her face； that mask behind which so much went on that he could not see。 She wanted time to think it over； no doubt！ He would not press her； for she would be coming to give her lesson to…morrow afternoon； and he should see her then when she had got used to the idea。 In the cab he talked only of the Carmen； he had seen better in the old days； but this one was not bad at all。 When he took her hand to say good…night； she bent quickly forward and kissed his forehead。
〃Good…bye； dear Uncle Jolyon； you have been so sweet to me。〃
〃To…morrow then；〃 he said。 〃Good…night。 Sleep well。〃 She echoed softly： 〃Sleep welll〃 and from the cab window； already moving away； he saw her face screwed round towards him； and her hand put out in a gesture which seemed to linger。
He sought his room slowly。 They never gave him the same； and he could not get used to these 'spick…and…spandy' bedrooms with new furniture and grey…green carpets sprinkled all over with pink roses。 He was wakeful and that wretched Habanera kept throbbing in his head。
His French had never been equal to its words； but its sense he knew； if it had any sense； a gipsy thingwild and unaccountable。 Well； there was in life something which upset all your care and plans something which made men and women dance to its pipes。 And he lay staring from deep…sunk eyes into the darkness where the unaccountable held sway。 You thought you had hold of life； but it slipped away behind you； took you by the scruff of the neck； forced you here and forced you there； and then； likely as not； squeezed life out of you！ It took the very stars like that； he shouldn't wonder； rubbed their noses together and flung them apart； it had never done playing its pranks。 Five million people in this great blunderbuss of a town； and all of them at the mercy of that Life…Force； like a lot of little dried peas hopping about on a board when you struck your fist on it。 Ah； well！ Himself would not hop much longera good long sleep would do him good！
How hot it was up here！how noisy！ His forehead burned； she had kissed it just where he always worried； just thereas if she had known the very place and wanted to kiss it all away for him。 But； instead； her lips left a patch of grievous uneasiness。 She had never spoken in quite that voice； had never before made that lingering gesture or looked back at him as she drove away。
He got out of bed and pulled the curtains aside； his room faced down over the river。 There was little air； but the sight of that breadth of water flowing by； calm； eternal； soothed him。 'The great thing；' he thought 'is not to make myself a nuisance。 I'll think of my little sweet； and go to sleep。' But it was long before the heat and throbbing of the London night died out into the short slumber of the summer morning。 And old Jolyon had but forty winks。
When he reached home next day he went out to the flower garden； and with the help of Holly； who was very delicate with flowers； gathered a great bunch of carnations。 They were； he told her； for 'the lady in grey'a name still bandied between them； and he put them in a bowl in his study where he meant to tackle Irene the moment she came； on the subject of June and future lessons。 Their fragrance and colour would help。 After lunch he lay down； for he felt very tired； and the carriage would not bring her from the station till four o'clock。 But as the hour approached he grew restless； and sought the schoolroom； which overlooked the drive。 The sun…blinds were down； and Holly was there with Mademoiselle Beauce； sheltered from the heat of a stifling July day； attending to their silkworms。 Old Jolyon had a natural antipathy to these methodical creatures； whose heads and colour reminded him of elephants； who nibbled such quantities of holes in nice green leaves； and smelled； as he thought； horrid。 He sat down on a chintz…covered windowseat whence he could see the drive； and get what air there was； and the dog Balthasar who appreciated chintz on hot days； jumped up beside him。 Over the cottage piano a violet dust…sheet； faded almost to grey； was spread； and on it the first lavender； whose scent filled the room。 In spite of the coolness here； perhaps because of that coolness the beat of life vehemently impressed his ebbed…down senses。 Each sunbeam which came through the chinks had annoying brilliance； that dog smelled very strong； the lavender perfume was overpowering； those silkworms heaving up their grey…green backs seemed horribly alive； and Holly's dark head bent over them had a wonderfully silky sheen。 A marvellous cruelly strong thing was life when you were old and weak； it seemed to mock you with its multitude of forms and its beating vitality。 He had never； till those last few weeks； had this curious feeling of being with one half of him eagerly borne along in the stream of life； and with the other half left on the bank； watching that helpless progress。 Only when Irene was with him did he lose this double consciousness。
Holly turned her head； pointed with her little brown fist to the pianofor to point with a finger was not 'well…brrred'and said slyly：
〃Look at the 'lady in grey；' Gran； isn't she pretty to…day？〃
Old Jolyon's heart gave a flutter； and for a second the room was clouded； then it cleared； and he said with a twinkle：
〃Who's been dressing her up？〃
〃Mam'zelle。〃
〃Hollee！ Don't be foolish！〃
That prim little Frenchwoman！ She hadn't yet got over the music lessons being taken away from her。 That wouldn't help。 His little sweet was the only friend they had。 Well； they were her lessons。 And he shouldn't budge shouldn't budge for anything。 He stroked the warm wool on Balthasar's head； and heard Holly say： 〃When mother's home； there won't be any changes； will there？ She doesn't like strangers； you know。〃
The child's words seemed to bring the chilly atmosphere of opposition about old Jolyon； and disclose all the menace to his new…found freedom。 Ah！ He would have to resign himself to being an old man at the mercy of care and love； or fight to keep this new and prized companionship； and to fight tired him to death。 But his thin； worn face hardened into resolution till it appeared all Jaw。 This was his house； and his affair； he should not budge！ He looked at his watch； old and thin like himself； he had owned it fifty years。 Past four already！ And kissing the top of Holly's head in passing； he went down to the hall。 He wanted to get hold of her before she went up to give her lesson。 At the first sound of wheels he stepped out into the porch； and saw at once that the victoria was empty。
〃The train's in； sir； but the lady 'asn't come。〃
Old Jolyon gave him a sharp upward look； his eyes seemed to push away that fat chap's curiosity； and defy him to see the bitter disappointment he was feeling。
〃Very well；〃 he said； and turned back into the house。 He went to his study and sat down； quivering like a leaf。 What did this mean？ She might have lost her train； but he knew well enough she hadn't。 'Good…bye； dear Uncle Jolyon。' Why 'Good…bye' and not 'Good…night'？ And that hand of hers lingering in the air。 And her kiss。 What did it mean？ Vehement alarm and irritation took possession of him。 He got up and began to pace the Turkey carpet； between window and wall。 She was going to give him up！ He felt it for certainand he defenceless。 An old man wanting to look on beauty！ It was ridiculous！ Age closed his mouth； paralysed his power to fight。 He had no right to what was warm and living； no right to anything but memories and sorrow。 He could not plead with her； even an old man has his dignity。 Defenceless！ For an hour； lost to bodily fatigue； he paced up and down； past the bowl of carnations he had plucked； which mocked him with its scent。 Of all things hard to bear； the prostration of will…power is hardest； for one who has always had his way。 Nature had got him in its net； and like an unhappy fish he turned and swam at the meshes； here and there； found no hole； no breaking point。 They brought him tea at five o'clock； and a letter。 For a moment hope beat up in him。 He cut the envelope with the butter knife； and read：
〃DEAREST UNCLE JOLYON；I can't bear to write anything that may disappoint you； but I was too cowardly to tell you last night。 I feel I can't come down and give Holly any more lessons； now that June is coming back。 Some things go too deep to be forgotten。 It has been such a joy to see you and Holly。 Perhaps I shall still see you sometimes when you come up； though I'm sure it's not good for you； I can see you are tiring yourself too much。 I believe you ought to rest quite quietly all this hot weather； and now you have your son and June coming back you will be so happy。 Thank you a million times for all your sweetness to me。
〃Lovingly your IRENE。〃
So； there it was！ Not good for him to have pleasure and what he chiefly cared about； to try and put off feeling the inevitable end of all things； the approach of death with its stealthy； rustling footsteps。 Not good for him！ Not even she could see how she was his new lease of interest in life； the inca
