the secret places of the heart-第7章

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t　of　scientific　work　and　some　of　it　has　been　very　good　work。　And　very　laborious　work。　I've　travelled　much。　I've　organized　great　business　developments。　You　might　think　that　my　time　has　been　fairly　well　filled　without　much　philandering。　And　all　the　time；　all　the　time；　I've　been　about　womenlike　a　thirsty　beast　looking　for　water。　。　。　。　Always。　Always。　All　through　my　life。〃　Dr。　Martineau　waited　through　another　silence。　〃I　was　very　grave　about　it　at　first。　I　married　young。　I　married　very　simply　and　purely。　I　was　not　one　of　those　young　men　who　sow　a　large　crop　of　wild　oats。　I　was　a　fairly　decent　youth。　It　suddenly　appeared　to　me　that　a　certain　smiling　and　dainty　girl　could　make　herself　into　all　the　goddesses　of　my　dreams。　I　had　but　to　win　her　and　this　miracle　would　occur。　Of　course　I　forget　now　the　exact　things　I　thought　and　felt　then；　but　surely　I　had　some　such　persuasion。　Or　why　should　I　have　married　her？　My　wife　was　seven　years　younger　than　myself；a　girl　of　twenty。　She　was　charming。　She　is　charming。　She　is　a　wonderfully　intelligent　and　understanding　woman。　She　has　made　a　home　for　mea　delightful　home。　I　am　one　of　those　men　who　have　no　instinct　for　home　making。　I　owe　my　home　and　all　the　comfort　and　dignity　of　my　life　to　her　ability。　I　have　no　excuse　for　any　misbehaviourso　far　as　she　is　concerned。　None　at　all。　By　all　the　rules　I　should　have　been　completely　happy。　But　instead　of　my　marriage　satisfying　me；　it　presently　released　a　storm　of　long…controlled　desires　and　imprisoned　cravings。　A　voice　within　me　became　more　and　more　urgent。　'This　will　not　do。　This　is　not　love。　Where　are　your　goddesses？　This　is　not　love。'　。　。　。　And　I　was　unfaithful　to　my　wife　within　four　years　of　my　marriage。　It　was　a　sudden　overpowering　impulse。　But　I　suppose　the　ground　had　been　preparing　for　a　long　time。　I　forget　now　all　the　emotions　of　that　adventure。　I　suppose　at　the　time　it　seemed　beautiful　and　wonderful。　。　。　。　I　do　not　excuse　myself。　Still　less　do　I　condemn　myself。　I　put　the　facts　before　you。　So　it　was。〃　〃There　were　no　children　by　your　marriage？〃　〃Your　line　of　thought；　doctor；　is　too　philoprogenitive。　We　have　had　three。　My　daughter　was　married　two　years　ago。　She　is　in　America。　One　little　boy　died　when　he　was　three。　The　other　is　in　India；　taking　up　the　Mardipore　power　scheme　again　now　that　he　is　out　of　the　army。　。　。　。　No；　it　is　simply　that　I　was　hopelessly　disappointed　with　everything　that　a　good　woman　and　a　decent　marriage　had　to　give　me。　Pure　disappointment　and　vexation。　The　anti…climax　to　an　immense　expectation　built　up　throughout　an　imaginative　boyhood　and　youth　and　early　manhood。　I　was　shocked　and　ashamed　at　my　own　disappointment。　I　thought　it　mean　and　base。　Nevertheless　this　orderly　household　into　which　I　had　placed　my　life；　these　almost　methodical　connubialities　。　。　。　。〃　He　broke　off　in　mid…sentence。　Dr。　Martineau　shook　his　head　disapprovingly。　〃No；〃　he　said；　〃it　wasn't　fair　to　your　wife。〃　〃It　was　shockingly　unfair。　I　have　always　realized　that。　I've　done　what　I　could　to　make　things　up　to　her。　。　。　。　Heaven　knows　what　counter　disappointments　she　has　concealed。　。　。　。　But　it　is　no　good　arguing　about　rights　and　wrongs　now。　This　is　not　an　apology　for　my　life。　I　am　telling　you　what　happened。　〃Not　for　me　to　judge；〃　said　Dr。　Martineau。　〃Go　on。〃　〃By　marrying　I　had　got　nothing　that　my　soul　craved　for；　I　had　satisfied　none　but　the　most　transitory　desires　and　I　had　incurred　a　tremendous　obligation。　That　obligation　didn't　restrain　me　from　making　desperate　lunges　at　something　vaguely　beautiful　that　I　felt　was　necessary　to　me；　but　it　did　cramp　and　limit　these　lunges。　So　my　story　flops　down　into　the　comedy　of　the　lying；　cramped　intrigues　of　a　respectable；　married　man。　。　。I　was　still　driven　by　my　dream　of　some　extravagantly　beautiful　inspiration　called　love　and　I　sought　it　like　an　area　sneak。　Gods！　What　a　story　it　is　when　one　brings　it　all　together！　I　couldn't　believe　that　the　glow　and　sweetness　I　dreamt　of　were　not　in　the　worldsomewhere。　Hidden　away　from　me。　I　seemed　to　catch　glimpses　of　the　dear　lost　thing；　now　in　the　corners　of　a　smiling　mouth；　now　in　dark　eyes　beneath　a　black　smoke　of　hair；　now　in　a　slim　form　seen　against　the　sky。　Often　I　cared　nothing　for　the　woman　I　made　love　to。　I　cared　for　the　thing　she　seemed　to　be　hiding　from　me　。　。　。　。　〃　Sir　Richmond's　voice　altered。　〃I　don't　see　what　possible　good　it　can　do　to　talk　over　these　things。〃　He　began　to　row　and　rowed　perhaps　a　score　of　strokes。　Then　he　stopped　and　the　boat　drove　on　with　a　whisper　of　water　at　the　bow　and　over　the　outstretched　oar　blades。　〃What　a　muddle　and　mockery　the　whole　thing　is！〃　he　cried。　〃What　a　fumbling　old　fool　old　Mother　Nature　has　been！　She　drives　us　into　indignity　and　dishonour：　and　she　doesn't　even　get　the　children　which　are　her　only　excuse　for　her　mischief。　See　what　a　fantastic　thing　I　am　when　you　take　the　machine　to　pieces！　I　have　been　a　busy　and　responsible　man　throughout　my　life。　I　have　handled　complicated　public　and　industrial　affairs　not　unsuccessfully　and　discharged　quite　big　obligations　fully　and　faithfully。　And　all　the　time；　hidden　away　from　the　public　eye；　my　life　has　been　laced　by　the　thread　of　thesewhat　can　one　call　them？　love　adventures。　How　many？　you　ask。　I　don't　know。　Never　have　I　been　a　whole…　hearted　lover；　never　have　I　been　able　to　leave　love　alone。　。　。　。　Never　has　love　left　me　alone。　〃And　as　I　am　made；　said　Sir　Richmond　with　sudden　insistence；　〃AS　I　AM　MADEI　do　not　believe　that　I　could　go　on　without　these　affairs。　I　know　that　you　will　be　disposed　to　dispute　that。　Dr。　Martineau　made　a　reassuring　noise。　〃These　affairs　are　at　once　unsatisfying　and　vitally　necessary。　It　is　only　latterly　that　I　have　begun　to　perceive　this。　Women　MAKE　life　for　me。　Whatever　they　touch　or　see　or　desire　becomes　worth　while　and　otherwise　it　is　not　worth　while。　Whatever　is　lovely　in　my　world；　whatever　is　delightful；　has　been　so　conveyed　to　me　by　some　woman。　Without　the　vision　they　give　me；　I　should　be　a　hard　dry　industry　in　the　world；　a　worker　ant；　a　soulless　rage；　making　much；　valuing　nothing。〃　He　paused。　〃You　are；　I　think；　abnormal；〃　considered　the　doctor。　〃Not　abnormal。　Excessive；　if　you　like。　Without　women　I　am　a　wasting　fever　of　distressful　toil。　Without　them　there　is　no　kindness　in　existence；　no　rest；　no　sort　of　satisfaction。　The　world　is　a　battlefield；　trenches；　barbed　wire；　rain；　mud；　logical　necessity　and　utter　desolationwith　nothing　whatever　worth　fighting　for。　Whatever　justifies　effort；　whatever　restores　energy　is　hidden　in　women　。　。　。　。〃　〃An　access　of　sex；〃　said　Dr。　Martineau。　〃　This　is　a　phase。　。　。　。〃　〃It　is　how　I　am　made；〃　said　Sir　Richmond。　A　brief　silence　fell　upon　that。　Dr。　Martineau　persisted。　〃It　isn't　how　you　are　made。　We　are　getting　to　something　in　all　this。　It　is；　I　insist；　a　mood　of　how　you　are　made。　A　distinctive　and　indicative　mood。〃　Sir　Richmond　went　on；　almost　as　if　he　soliloquized。　〃I　would　go　through　it　all　again。　。　。　。　There　are　times　when　the　love　of　women　seems　the　only　real　thing　in　the　world　to　me。　And　always　it　remains　the　most　real　thing。　I　do　not　know　how　far　I　may　be　a　normal　man　or　how　far　I　may　not　be；　so　to　speak；　abnormally　male；　but　to　me　life　has　very　little　personal　significance　and　no　value　or　power　until　it　has　a　woman　as　intermediary。　Before　life　can　talk　to　me　and　say　anything　that　matters　a　woman　must　be　present　as　a　medium。　I　don't　mean　that　it　has　no　significance　mentally　and　logically；　I　mean　that　irrationally　and　emotionally　it　has　no　significance。　Works　of　art；　for　example；　bore　me；　literature　bores　me；　scenery　bores　me；　even　the　beauty　of　a　woman　bores　me；　unless　I　find　in　it　some　association　with　a　woman's　feeling。　It　isn't　that　I　can't　tell　for　myself　that　a　picture　is　fine　or　a　mountain　valley　lovely；　but　that　it　doesn't　matter　a　rap　to　me　whether　it　is　or　whether　it　isn't　until　there　is　a　feminine　response；　a　sexual　motif；　if　you　like　to　call　it　that；　coming　in。　Whatever　there　is　of　loveliness　or　pride　in　life　doesn't　LIVE　for　me　until　somehow　a　woman　comes　in　and　breathes　upon　it　the　breath　of　life。　I　cannot　even　rest　until　a　woman　makes　holiday　for　me。　Only　one　thing　can　I　do　without　women　and　that　is　work；　joylessly　but　effectively；　and　latterly　for　some　reason　that　it　is　up　to　you　to　discover；　doctor；　even　the　power　of　work　has　gone　from　me。〃　Section　4　〃This　afternoon　brings　back　to　me　very　vividly　my　previous　visit　here。　It　was　perhaps　a　dozen　or　fifteen　years　ago。　We　rowed　down　this　same　backwater。　I　can　see　my　companion's　handshe　had　very　pretty　hands　with　rosy　palmstrailing　in　the　water；　and　her　shadowed　face　smiling　quietly　under　her　sunshade；　with　little　faint　streaks　of　sunlight；　reflected　from　the　ripples；　dancing　and　quivering　across　it。　She　was　one　of　those　people　who　seem　always　to　be　happy　and　to　radiate　happiness。　〃By　ordinary　standards；〃　said　Sir　Richmond；　〃she　was　a　thoroughly　bad　lot。　She　had　about　as　much　morality；　in　the　narrower　sense　of　the　word；　as　a　monkey。　And　yet　she　stands　out　in　my　mind　as　one　of　the　most　honest　women　I　have　ever　met。　She　was　certainly　one　of　the　kindest。　Part　of　that　effect　of　honesty　may　have　been　due　to　her　open　brow；　her　candid　blue　eyes；　the　smiling　frankness　of　her　manner。　。　。　。　Butno！　She　was　really　honest。　〃We　drifted　here　as　we　are　doing　now。　She　pulled　at　the　sweet　rushes　and　crushed　them　in　her　hand。　She　adds　a　remembered　brightness　to　this　afternoon。　〃Honest。　Friendly。　Of　all　the　women　I　have　known；　this　woman　who　was　here　with　me　came　nearest　to　being　my　friend。　You　know；　what　we　call　virtue　in　a　woman　is　a　tremendous　handicap　to　any　real　friendliness　with　a　man。　Until　she　gets　to　an　age　when　virtue　and　fidelity　are　no　longer　urgent　practical　concerns；　a　good　woman；　by　the　very　definition　of　feminine　goodness；　isn't　truly　herself。　Over　a　vast　extent　of　her　being　she　is　RESERVED。　She　suppresses　a　vast　amount　of　her　being；　holds　back；　denies；　hides。　On　the　other　hand；　there　is　a　frankness　and　honesty　in　openly　bad　women　arising　out　of　the　admitted　fact　that　they　are　bad；　that　they　hide　no　treasure　from　you；　they　have　no　peculiarly　precious　and　delicious　secrets　to　keep；　and　no　poverty　to　conceal。　Intellectually　they　seem　to　be　more　manly　and　vigorous　because　they　are；　as　people　say；　unsexed。　Many　old　women；　thoroughly　respectable　old　women；　have　the　same　quality。　Because　they　have　gone　out　of　the　personal　sex　business。　Haven't　you　found　that？〃　〃I　have　never；〃　said　the　doctor；　known　what　you　call　an　openly　bad　woman；at　least；　at　all　intimately。　。　。　。　〃　Sir　Richmond　looked　with　quick　curiosity　at　his　companion。　〃You　have　avoided　them！〃　〃They　don't　attract　me。〃　〃They　repel　you？〃　〃For　me；〃　said　the　doctor；　〃for　any　friendliness；　a　woman　must　be　modest。　。　。　。　My　habits　of　thought　are　old…fashioned；　I　suppose；　but　the　mere　suggestion　about　a　woman　that　there　were　no　barriers；　no　reservation；　that　in　any　fashion　she　might　more　than　meet　me　half　way　。　。　。　〃　His　facial　expression　completed　his　sentence。　〃Now　I　wonder；〃　whispered　Sir　Richmond；　and　hesitated　for　a　moment　before　he　carried　the　great　research　into　the　explorer's　country。　〃You　are　afraid　of　women？〃　he　said；　with　a　smile　to　mitigate　the　impertinence。　〃I　respect　them。〃　〃An　element　of　fear。〃　〃Well；　I　am　afraid　of　them　then。　Put　it　that　way　if　you　like。　Anyhow　I　do　not　let　myself　go　with　them。　I　have　never　let　myself　go。〃　〃You　lose　something。　You