the beast in the jungle-第4章

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ernatelymeeting　the　eyes　from　in　front　and　mingling　her　own　vision；　as　from　over　his　shoulder；　with　their　peep　through　the　apertures。

So　while　they　grew　older　together　she　did　watch　with　him；　and　so　she　let　this　association　give　shape　and　colour　to　her　own　existence。　　Beneath　HER　forms　as　well　detachment　had　learned　to　sit；　and　behaviour　had　become　for　her；　in　the　social　sense；　a　false　account　of　herself。　　There　was　but　one　account　of　her　that　would　have　been　true　all　the　while　and　that　she　could　give　straight　to　nobody；　least　of　all　to　John　Marcher。　　Her　whole　attitude　was　a　virtual　statement；　but　the　perception　of　that　only　seemed　called　to　take　its　place　for　him　as　one　of　the　many　things　necessarily　crowded　out　of　his　consciousness。　　If　she　had　moreover；　like　himself；　to　make　sacrifices　to　their　real　truth；　it　was　to　be　granted　that　her　compensation　might　have　affected　her　as　more　prompt　and　more　natural。　　They　had　long　periods；　in　this　London　time；　during　which；　when　they　were　together；　a　stranger　might　have　listened　to　them　without　in　the　least　pricking　up　his　ears；　on　the　other　hand　the　real　truth　was　equally　liable　at　any　moment　to　rise　to　the　surface；　and　the　auditor　would　then　have　wondered　indeed　what　they　were　talking　about。　　They　had　from　an　early　hour　made　up　their　mind　that　society　was；　luckily；　unintelligent；　and　the　margin　allowed　them　by　this　had　fairly　become　one　of　their　commonplaces。　Yet　there　were　still　moments　when　the　situation　turned　almost　freshusually　under　the　effect　of　some　expression　drawn　from　herself。　　Her　expressions　doubtless　repeated　themselves；　but　her　intervals　were　generous。　　〃What　saves　us；　you　know；　is　that　we　answer　so　completely　to　so　usual　an　appearance：　　that　of　the　man　and　woman　whose　friendship　has　become　such　a　daily　habitor　almostas　to　be　at　last　indispensable。〃　　That　for　instance　was　a　remark　she　had　frequently　enough　had　occasion　to　make；　though　she　had　given　it　at　different　times　different　developments。　　What　we　are　especially　concerned　with　is　the　turn　it　happened　to　take　from　her　one　afternoon　when　he　had　come　to　see　her　in　honour　of　her　birthday。　　This　anniversary　had　fallen　on　a　Sunday；　at　a　season　of　thick　fog　and　general　outward　gloom；　but　he　had　brought　her　his　customary　offering；　having　known　her　now　long　enough　to　have　established　a　hundred　small　traditions。　　It　was　one　of　his　proofs　to　himself；　the　present　he　made　her　on　her　birthday；　that　he　hadn't　sunk　into　real　selfishness。　　It　was　mostly　nothing　more　than　a　small　trinket；　but　it　was　always　fine　of　its　kind；　and　he　was　regularly　careful　to　pay　for　it　more　than　he　thought　he　could　afford。　　〃Our　habit　saves　you；　at　least；　don't　you　see？〃　because　it　makes　you；　after　all；　for　the　vulgar；　indistinguishable　from　other　men。　　What's　the　most　inveterate　mark　of　men　in　general？　　Why　the　capacity　to　spend　endless　time　with　dull　womento　spend　it　I　won't　say　without　being　bored；　but　without　minding　that　they　are；　without　being　driven　off　at　a　tangent　by　it；　which　comes　to　the　same　thing。　I'm　your　dull　woman；　a　part　of　the　daily　bread　for　which　you　pray　at　church。　　That　covers　your　tracks　more　than　anything。〃

〃And　what　covers　yours？〃　asked　Marcher；　whom　his　dull　woman　could　mostly　to　this　extent　amuse。　　〃I　see　of　course　what　you　mean　by　your　saving　me；　in　this　way　and　that；　so　far　as　other　people　are　concernedI've　seen　it　all　along。　　Only　what　is　it　that　saves　YOU？　I　often　think；　you　know；　of　that。〃

She　looked　as　if　she　sometimes　thought　of　that　too；　but　rather　in　a　different　way。　　〃Where　other　people；　you　mean；　are　concerned？〃

〃Well；　you're　really　so　in　with　me；　you　knowas　a　sort　of　result　of　my　being　so　in　with　yourself。　　I　mean　of　my　having　such　an　immense　regard　for　you；　being　so　tremendously　mindful　of　all　you've　done　for　me。　　I　sometimes　ask　myself　if　it's　quite　fair。　　Fair　I　mean　to　have　so　involved　andsince　one　may　say　itinterested　you。　I　almost　feel　as　if　you　hadn't　really　had　time　to　do　anything　else。〃

〃Anything　else　but　be　interested？〃　she　asked。　　〃Ah　what　else　does　one　ever　want　to　be？　　If　I've　been　'watching'　with　you；　as　we　long　ago　agreed　I　was　to　do；　watching's　always　in　itself　an　absorption。〃

〃Oh　certainly；〃　John　Marcher　said；　〃if　you　hadn't　had　your　curiosity　…！　　Only　doesn't　it　sometimes　come　to　you　as　time　goes　on　that　your　curiosity　isn't　being　particularly　repaid？〃

May　Bartram　had　a　pause。　　〃Do　you　ask　that；　by　any　chance；　because　you　feel　at　all　that　yours　isn't？　　I　mean　because　you　have　to　wait　so　long。〃

Oh　he　understood　what　she　meant！　　〃For　the　thing　to　happen　that　never　does　happen？　　For　the　Beast　to　jump　out？　　No；　I'm　just　where　I　was　about　it。　　It　isn't　a　matter　as　to　which　I　can　CHOOSE；　I　can　decide　for　a　change。　　It　isn't　one　as　to　which　there　CAN　be　a　change。　　It's　in　the　lap　of　the　gods。　　One's　in　the　hands　of　one's　lawthere　one　is。　　As　to　the　form　the　law　will　take；　the　way　it　will　operate；　that's　its　own　affair。〃

〃Yes；〃　Miss　Bartram　replied；　〃of　course　one's　fate's　coming；　of　course　it　HAS　come　in　its　own　form　and　its　own　way；　all　the　while。　Only；　you　know；　the　form　and　the　way　in　your　case　were　to　have　beenwell；　something　so　exceptional　and；　as　one　may　say；　so　particularly　YOUR　own。〃

Something　in　this　made　him　look　at　her　with　suspicion。　　〃You　say　'were　to　HAVE　been；'　as　if　in　your　heart　you　had　begun　to　doubt。〃

〃Oh！〃　she　vaguely　protested。

〃As　if　you　believed；〃　he　went　on；　〃that　nothing　will　now　take　place。〃

She　shook　her　head　slowly　but　rather　inscrutably。　　〃You're　far　from　my　thought。〃

He　continued　to　look　at　her。　　〃What　then　is　the　matter　with　you？〃

〃Well；〃　she　said　after　another　wait；　〃the　matter　with　me　is　simply　that　I'm　more　sure　than　ever　my　curiosity；　as　you　call　it；　will　be　but　too　well　repaid。〃

They　were　frankly　grave　now；　he　had　got　up　from　his　seat；　had　turned　once　more　about　the　little　drawing…room　to　which；　year　after　year；　he　brought　his　inevitable　topic；　in　which　he　had；　as　he　might　have　said；　tasted　their　intimate　community　with　every　sauce；　where　every　object　was　as　familiar　to　him　as　the　things　of　his　own　house　and　the　very　carpets　were　worn　with　his　fitful　walk　very　much　as　the　desks　in　old　counting…houses　are　worn　by　the　elbows　of　generations　of　clerks。　　The　generations　of　his　nervous　moods　had　been　at　work　there；　and　the　place　was　the　written　history　of　his　whole　middle　life。　　Under　the　impression　of　what　his　friend　had　just　said　he　knew　himself；　for　some　reason；　more　aware　of　these　things；　which　made　him；　after　a　moment；　stop　again　before　her。　　〃Is　it　possibly　that　you've　grown　afraid？〃

〃Afraid？〃　　He　thought；　as　she　repeated　the　word；　that　his　question　had　made　her；　a　little；　change　colour；　so　that；　lest　he　should　have　touched　on　a　truth；　he　explained　very　kindly：　　〃You　remember　that　that　was　what　you　asked　ME　long　agothat　first　day　at　Weatherend。〃

〃Oh　yes；　and　you　told　me　you　didn't　knowthat　I　was　to　see　for　myself。　　We've　said　little　about　it　since；　even　in　so　long　a　time。〃

〃Precisely；〃　Marcher　interposed〃quite　as　if　it　were　too　delicate　a　matter　for　us　to　make　free　with。　　Quite　as　if　we　might　find；　on　pressure；　that　I　AM　afraid。　　For　then；〃　he　said；　〃we　shouldn't；　should　we？　quite　know　what　to　do。〃

She　had　for　the　time　no　answer　to　this　question。　　〃There　have　been　days　when　I　thought　you　were。　　Only；　of　course；〃　she　added；　〃there　have　been　days　when　we　have　thought　almost　anything。〃

〃Everything。　　Oh！〃　Marcher　softly　groaned；　as　with　a　gasp；　half　spent；　at　the　face；　more　uncovered　just　then　than　it　had　been　for　a　long　while；　of　the　imagination　always　with　them。　　It　had　always　had　it's　incalculable　moments　of　glaring　out；　quite　as　with　the　very　eyes　of　the　very　Beast；　and；　used　as　he　was　to　them；　they　could　still　draw　from　him　the　tribute　of　a　sigh　that　rose　from　the　depths　of　his　being。　　All　they　had　thought；　first　and　last；　rolled　over　him；　the　past　seemed　to　have　been　reduced　to　mere　barren　speculation。　　This　in　fact　was　what　the　place　had　just　struck　him　as　so　full　ofthe　simplification　of　everything　but　the　state　of　suspense。　　That　remained　only　by　seeming　to　hang　in　the　void　surrounding　it。　　Even　his　original　fear；　if　fear　it　as　had　been；　had　lost　itself　in　the　desert。　　〃I　judge；　however；〃　he　continued；　〃that　you　see　I'm　not　afraid　now。〃

〃What　I　see；　as　I　make　it　out；　is　that　you've　achieved　something　almost　unprecedented　in　the　way　of　getting　used　to　danger。　　Living　with　it　so　long　and　so　closely　you've　lost　your　sense　of　it；　you　know　it's　there；　but　you're　indifferent；　and　you　cease　even；　as　of　old；　to　have　to　whistle　in　the　dark。　　Considering　what　the　danger　is；〃　May　Bartram　wound　up；　〃I'm　bound　to　say　I　don't　think　your　attitude　could　well　be　surpassed。〃

John　Marcher　faintly　smiled。　　〃It's　heroic？〃

〃Certainlycall　it　that。〃

It　was　what　he　would　have　liked　indeed　to　call　it。　　〃I　AM　then　a　man　of　courage？〃

〃That's　what　you　were　to　show　me。〃

He　still；　however；　wondered。　　〃But　doesn't　the　man　of　courage　know　what　he's　afraid　ofor　not　afraid　of？　　I　don't　know　THAT；　you　see。　I　don't　focus　it。　　I　can't　name　it。　　I　only　know　I'm　exposed。〃

〃Yes；　but　exposedhow　shall　I　say？so　directly。　　So　intimately。　That's　surely　enough。〃

〃Enough　to　make　you　feel　thenas　what　we　may　call　the　end　and　the　upshot　of　our　watchthat　I'm　not　afraid？〃

〃You're　not　afraid。　　But　it　isn't；〃　she　said；　〃the　end　of　our　watch。　　That　is　it　isn't　the　end　of　yours。　　You've　everything　still　to　see。〃

〃Then　why　haven't　you？〃　he　asked。　　He　had　had；　all　along；　to…day；　the　sense　of　her　keeping　something　back；　and　he　still　had　it。　　As　this　was　his　first　impression　of　that　it　quite　made　a　date。　　The　case　was　the　more　marked　as　she　didn't　at　first　answer；　which　in　turn　made　him　go　on。　　〃You　know　something　I　don't。〃　　Then　his　voice；　for　that　of　a　man　of　courage；　trembled　a　little。　　〃You　know　what's　to　happen。〃　　Her　silence；　with　the　face　she　showed；　was　almost　a　confessionit　made　him　sure。　　〃You　know；　and　you're　afraid　to　tell　me。　　It's　so　bad　that　you're　afraid　I'll　find　out。〃

All　this　might　be　true；　for　she　did　look　as　if；　unexpectedly　to　her；　he　had　crossed　some　mystic　line　that　she　had　secretly　drawn　round　her。　　Yet　she　might；　after　all；　not　have　worried；　and　the　real　climax　was　that　he　himself；　at　all　events；　needn't。　　〃You'll　never　find　out。〃



CHAPTER　III



It　was　all　to　have　made；　none　the　less；　as　I　have　said；　a　date；　which　came　out　in　the　fact　that　again　and　again；　even　after　long　intervals；　other　things　that　passed　between　them　were　in　relation　to　this　hour　but　the　character　of　recalls　and　results。　　Its　immediate　effect　had　been　indeed　rather　to　lighten　insistence　almost　to　provoke　a　reaction；　as　if　their　topic　had　dropped　by　its　own　weight　and　as　if　moreover；　for　that　matter；　Marcher　had　been　visited　by　one　of　his　occasional　warnings　against　egotism。　　He　had　kept　up；　he　felt；　and　very　decently　on　the　whole；　his　consciousness　of　the　importance　of　not　being　selfish；　and　it　was　true　that　he　had　never　sinned　in　that　direction　without　promptly　enough　trying　to　press　the　scales　the　other　way。　　He　often　repaired　his　fault；　the　season　permitting；　by　inviting　his　friend　to　accompany　him　to　the　opera；　and　it　not　infrequently　thus　happened　that；　to　show　he　didn't　wish　her　to　have　but　one　sort　of　food　for　her　mind；　he　was　the　cau